Saving the Game

by Karen Frances

  “Lee. Lee, wake up.” I hear a soft, tender voice, but I must be dreaming. “Lee, please.”

  I feel the couch move beside me. I open my eyes to see Jess sitting beside me, worry etched around her beautiful eyes and suntanned skin. How? Why? She doesn’t say anything, just reaches out and wraps her arms tightly around me, pulling me close, and I cry. I’m glad she’s here; I need her. Movement in the room catches my eye. Fran and Fletcher. Fran must’ve called Jess. They stand to the side, watching me. I blink a few times, my eyes adjusting to the brightness of the room. Jess and Fletcher must’ve come straight here from the airport.

  “Ssh, it’s okay. I’m here for you always.” As she whispers the words, I find it weird that the tables have turned. It wasn’t that long ago I was sitting with her in my arms, rubbing her back, telling her everything would be okay.

  Pulling out of her hold, I wipe away my tears and take a deep breath.

  “You and me, we need to talk, don’t you think?”

  I nod in response.

  “Jess, honey, if you’re all okay, I should go to Logan,” Fletcher says nervously.

  “Go on, run along. Don’t let me hold you back,” I snap.

  “Lee, I’m sorry, but there’s . . . He’ll need me as much as you need Jess.” Jess and I look at each other. He stopped himself from telling us something. He bends, kisses Jess, and leaves. I want to chase after him and demand that he tell me what he was about to say, but I don’t have the energy. If I’m meant to know, I’m sure someone will tell me.

  “What was all that about?” Fran asks.

  “I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll find out,” Jess replies with a frown. “Now that Fletcher is away, you and I need to talk.”

  “I’ll go and make some tea,” Fran says, walking away.

  “I didn’t want to tell you yet. I wanted to tell you in my own time, when I had my head in the right place. And also because . . .”

  “Don’t even go there. My past shouldn’t be a factor in you not telling me. I’m your best friend and you’ve been there for me when I needed you through some of the darkest days of my life, and I want to be here for you through all of this. For all hospital appointments if Logan isn’t man enough to be there. Lee, you’re not alone and you never will be.” She cuddles me and I cry again. I’m blaming my hormones. “Now, I believe you have something to show me?”

  I pick up the scan picture and hand it to her. Tears fill her eyes as she takes in every last detail before her, and I know her mind has travelled back in time to the day she got her first scan. I remember she was so happy. Had so much to look forward to. Then, months later, it was all cruelly taken away from her in a vicious attack by a man she thought she loved.

  “Jess . . .”

  “I’m fine. My best friend is going to be a mum. I’m going to be an auntie. This is exciting. This baby boy or girl is going to be spoiled rotten and loved so damn much. Now, you need to tell me all the details and don’t leave anything out, especially about Logan. Everything that’s happened since I left on Saturday, and everything from before, and don’t you dare try to tell me that nothing has happened between you.”

  What can I say? She knows me well. Fran comes back into the room with mugs of tea and chocolate biscuits. She sits opposite us and I tell them almost everything from Saturday night. I leave out the intimate details; they don’t need to know those. And I don’t need reminders in my head.

  I tell them the little things from the very first meeting with Logan; the night he and Fletcher turned up at the apartment launch when the four of us went out for dinner afterwards. I tell her how easy he can be to talk to. How comfortable I feel around him. How, when we’re alone, he makes me feel so special, as though I’m the only person in the world that matters. I tell her about my secret jealous meltdowns, when I’ve seen him in the papers with another girl on his arm.

  My body starts to tremble as I talk about how Logan wanted to go out on a date at the weekend. How easy everything seemed between us until I blurted out that I’m pregnant. My friends sit quietly, taking in my news, Jess rubbing my shoulder at the right times when I feel myself getting upset.

  By the time I finish talking, I’m a blubbering, snotty mess. “I love him.”

  “Oh, honey, we know you do. You might think I’ve been too wrapped up in my own life, but I have noticed the looks between you when we’re all together. You’ve not got a good poker face.”

  Jess’s comment has me smiling. My mum says the exact same thing.

  Shit.

  “What are you thinking?” Jess asks, studying my face.

  “How the hell am I going to tell my parents?”

  “You’ll need to do it soon, before news gets out,” Fran says, and straight away my body sinks under the meaning of her words. The media. They will have a field day with this.

  “Fran’s right. You have to tell them before they hear it from someone else. If you want, I can come with you when you do.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Now, as for you and Logan, things will work out.”

  “Jess, how do you know? You can’t say that.”

  “I can and I have. He loves you just as much as you love him.”

  “Don’t take offense, either of you, but if he did he would be the one sitting here with me, talking about the future, discussing hopes and dreams and planning for our baby.”

  Jess gives me a sympathetic look. I know I’m right; if he felt the same he would be here with me. Instead, he’s probably doing what he does best and losing himself in some girl.

  My tears fall.

  Logan

  I PUT MY foot down and sped away from her as fast as I could. I didn’t want to go home so I just drove. Of all the places to come, I come here. It’s been years since I came out here. I wander aimlessly along the darkened footpaths and surprise myself that I’m heading in the right direction.

  The moonlight shines down over the headstones and the soft glow leads the way. It’s strange; the last time I was here was during the day and it was all overgrown and neglected, but now in the darkness, it feels accessible and well-kept.

  What brought me here?

  Fear.

  I sink to my knees. Lee loves me and she’s having a baby. What the hell? For a normal man, this would be a lot to take in, but for me . . . I’m struggling. So many crazy thoughts in my head and none of them make sense to me.

  ‘I’m sorry. I wish I could turn back time.’

  I can’t change the past, but I can change the future. I can’t go through that again. Although, something about this time feels different. It should though. Back then, I was young and stupid at eighteen years old. Not a lot has changed except I’ve gotten older. I’m still stupid and thoughtless.

  My phone buzzes and I take it from my pocket. Fletch. I don’t answer. Instead, I stuff it back in my pocket. I don’t want to speak to him. Hear all his happy news when my life has been turned upside down. At the start of the night, I was happy. Not now. Not when Lee’s news brings back so many memories.

  Will I be forever haunted by my past and my mistakes?

  Back then, I felt worthless when my life came crumbling down around me. It was all my fault and I’m doing the same again. History is repeating itself. I pushed Nikki away when she told me she was pregnant. I was just making a proper name for myself in the world of football. I didn’t believe her when she told me she was having my baby. We were young and inseparable for months before we discovered she was pregnant. We thought we were in love and she hated me for turning my back on her, even though it was only for a short time.

  After the shock, I got used to the idea of a baby, even started to get excited about it. I decided that maybe Nikki and I could have more. We got back together and started planning our future; a future for three. It wasn’t an ideal situation but we made the most of it. Nikki seemed so happy.

  We had fun planning every last detail for the nursery, from the soft yellow walls, to cots, bedding; you name it, we
had everything a new baby could need and more.

  I was out celebrating with the lads after a big win. It was two weeks before Nikki’s due date. I should’ve gone straight home after the game, not out drinking. It was the end of the night and I couldn’t get a taxi so I called her. She said she would come and pick me up, but she never made it.

  If she had stayed at home that night, she would still be here and my baby would be almost eight years old. A car hit hers not long after she left to come and get me.

  “Nikki, I’m sorry,” I say as tears roll down my face as I read the inscription.

  Our beloved daughter

  Nikki Clarke

  Taken before your time.

  Reece Walker

  God chose to keep you in heaven

  with your mummy.

  I can’t read any more. This is why I don’t come here. It breaks my fucking heart every damn time.

  It was my fault they died and I’ve had to live with that knowledge every single day. I was a selfish pig that night and I’ve been the same ever since. Selfish. Never allowing anyone to get close until now. So what is so different about Lee?

  “Nikki, this doesn’t seem the right place to admit how I feel about Lee, but I do love her, probably more than I’ve ever loved before. She’s what dreams are made of. But I have to walk away this time and stay away. There’s no way I would survive if I lost her too.”

  Christ, look at the state of me. A grown man sitting in a cemetery in the dark of night, sobbing like a baby.

  “You’re late! Where the fuck have you been? I was calling you last night,” Fletch shouts as I enter the empty dressing room.

  “Out,” I state flatly. From the look on his face, he knows about Lee and he knows I walked out. But he will know why I’ve done what I needed to do.

  Fuck, can I not do anything without everybody knowing? Why is he in here? I’m late; big deal. Sitting down, I change from my trainers to my football boots. I take my time; I’m in no rush. The boss probably knows my business too and will moan at me for being late.

  “Logan, you are pushing your luck. Move it. The team is waiting on you.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Why didn’t you answer my calls last night?”

  “You know why. I needed to be on my own. Lee’s news was a lot to take in.”

  Fletcher sits down beside me. “I’m here for you when you want to talk. But you should talk to Lee.”

  “Lee hasn’t to know!” I shout, rising to my feet.

  “She has the right to know. Let her make that decision for herself. You can’t make it for her. Jess stayed with her all night. You broke her heart by walking away.”

  “What was I supposed to do? Stick around and wait for history to repeat itself? I can’t sit back and wait for something bad to happen to the girl I love because, if it did, I wouldn’t survive. Not this time. I’ve done what’s best for everyone, especially Lee.”

  He rises to his feet and stands before me, smirking. Right now I hate that look on his face. “What the hell are you smirking at?”

  “You just said you love Lee.”

  “So what?”

  “You love her and she loves you. You have to tell her your fears, your past. You have to give her the opportunity to make up her own mind on it.”

  “I can’t. I know she loves me. I love her enough to let her go and make a life for herself and the kid.”

  He pushes me against the wall; the anger reaches all the way to his eyes. “You are a fucking fool if you let her go. You’re passing up the chance of happiness, and for what? To go back to your old ways, bedding everyone that flutters their eyelashes at you? It’s time to grow up, Logan. That night was a freak accident and it wasn’t your fault.”

  “Fletcher, you have thirty seconds to get out of my face before I do something I’m going to regret.”

  He doesn’t move. Fuck him. I step closer to him, closing the space between us. He remains still.

  “Fletcher. Go.” I give him the opportunity to move but he doesn’t take it. And he says I’m a fool. I push him away.

  He still stands there, smirking. “Go on then. Hit me. I know you’re itching to lash out, but it won’t change a thing. It was an accident. It’s not your fault. You have to put it where it belongs. In the past. Lee is your future and you deserve to be happy. So does Lee. It’s time to grow a set.”

  With his words, I lunge at him, punching him in the face, then in the stomach. He bends over in pain and I regret it instantly. I offer him my hand, which he takes, but he quickly pushes against me.

  “That is all you get. Now get outside on that pitch and get your head in the game before you lose everything. I’ll give you time to sort yourself out and then you need to tell Lee because, if you don’t, I’ll tell her. That girl thinks she’s done something wrong.”

  “She has! She’s fucking pregnant.”

  I don’t see his hand until it’s too late and it connects with the side of my ribs.

  “It takes two to make a baby.”

  “Fletcher! Enough.” The voice belongs to Peter.

  It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is, there is always a club open, music pumping. I never hung about to find out what Peter was going to say. I took off after I changed my clothes. My first stop was a bar in the city centre. I should’ve gone somewhere I wouldn’t be recognised, but what the hell. It doesn’t make any difference. There’s nowhere I go that I don’t have people stopping for autographs or pictures.

  I’ve drifted from one pub to another, drinking what must be equivalent to my own body weight in alcohol, but only now is it starting to hit me.

  Something brought me here tonight, but I’m not sure what. I stand at the bar with a bottle of beer in my hand and scan the floor. Who would’ve known a nightclub would be this busy on a Thursday night. Do these people not have work tomorrow? Who am I to judge? I don’t intend going to training in the morning.

  My eyes focus on a group of girls sitting in a booth, laughing and drinking. They look as though they would be interested in a good time. I order a bottle of champagne and send it over to them.

  As the barman leaves their table, a blonde with her back to me stands and turns to face me. Oh, fuck. Why her? Why fucking me?

  She smiles, strutting toward me wearing a white dress similar in style to the one Lee was wearing on Saturday night. Although, Lee looked so much better, even though she was ill. This bitch walking towards me causes so much trouble.

  “Logan, what a surprise,” she says, leaning in to kiss me, but I turn my head to the side and she kisses my cheek.

  “Chantelle.”

  “Are you on your own? Where’s Fletcher?” She looks around. Is she still pining for him? Surely not.

  “He’ll be with his fiancée.”

  “His what? Since when?” Me and my mouth. There’s no way she’ll keep this news to herself. Fuck. I should warn Fletch because this is bound to make front page news. I don’t reply to her question; I’ve already given her enough ammunition.

  “Yes, I’m on my own.”

  “In that case, I think you should come and join us. I’m sure the girls would like to thank you personally for the champagne.”

  “No, thanks. I’m just going to have another drink then head home.”

  “I don’t think you will. A player like you doesn’t come into a nightclub on his own for no reason.” She slips her hand around my waist and purrs in my ear. “You came in here tonight looking for something, and you’ve found it.”

  I look at her. “And you’re it?”

  “You know I am and, what’s more, I know I can show you a good time.” I swear this girl must charge by the hour because no self-respecting girl would offer herself on a plate. That’s the most reasonable explanation I have for Chantelle’s behaviour, past and present. She must be a prostitute.

  “I don’t know, sweetheart. No one I know seems to be that impressed by what you have to offer.” She takes a step back, her mouth falling
open and she throws her hand up to her chest, acting surprised at my words. “What? Don’t pretend my words have hurt you. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot worse. Why don’t you go back to your friends and leave me alone to finish my beer in peace?”

  “If that’s what you want, but I don’t think you do. You look like a man who needs to forget.” She reaches her hand out to my face and her long fingers trace my skin.

  She is not what I want.

  “Don’t.” I grab her hand roughly and pull it away from my face. “I don’t want you. Never have and never will. Now run along.” Please run along. The amount of alcohol I’ve consumed today and her offering herself is a dangerous combination. And I don’t want to go down that particular path with her.

  Her face turns a lovely shade of red. I’ve made her angry. Well, good. Maybe now she’ll piss off back to her friends.

  “If that’s how you want to play it, fine. I’ll leave you alone to drown your sorrows, but take this.” She slips a piece of paper into my back pocket. “I’m sure you’ll need me later. I’ll be waiting on your call. See you later, handsome.”

  With that, she sashays back toward her friends.

  There’s not a hope in hell of me calling her. Ever.

  Lee

  JESS OPENS MY front door, bends, and picks up my mail. I would’ve happily left it all lying there until whenever I feel like looking at it, because tonight, I don’t want to deal with anything. I’d like to open a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows, but I can’t. I’m not bloody allowed to.

  The apartment looks and feels cold, or maybe it’s just me. I’m sure the damp day outside isn’t helping, the dark sky and rain leaving everything inside looking grey. “I feel bad.”

  “What, sick?” Jess asks, her voice laced with concern. She stops in the hallway and waits.

  “No, not sick. All this time we’ve spent together since last night and I’ve not even asked about you and Fletcher, or had a proper look at that amazing ring.”