“He probably thinks of you like a brother.”
He moved his head a little. “I think I’m like a father to him. If that’s not scary.”
I smiled and looked back up at him. “Not scary at all. I’m sure he looks up to you.”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure that’s such a great idea.”
“Why not? You hold a steady job. You’re a sweet guy. You have good friends.”
“I cheated on my wife.”
“Does he know that?”
“I’m sure he does by now. Fay’s no doubt into phase two of her effort to poison the kid.”
“But he knows you. Won’t your past—your track record—speak for itself?”
“I can only hope.” He sighed and shifted. “Mind if I use your facilities?” He sat up.
“Oh, sure. But, uh, you’ll want to put your pants on.”
He grinned as he stood up. “Afraid I’ll scare your roommates?”
I laughed. “You think your beast will do that?”
“Oh, beast. I like that.” He stepped into his jeans and I got up and pranced over to my dresser. I opened the top drawer and pulled out one of my longer t-shirts.
“You want something to drink?”
“Yeah.”
“Anything in particular?”
“Whatever you’re having.” We stepped out of my bedroom and I showed him where the bathroom was. I tiptoed to the kitchen. I wasn’t in the mood for alcohol. I knew it would knock me out and I wanted to talk longer. If he was ready to sleep, then I’d settle in, but I was hoping we could talk longer. So I grabbed two glasses and poured water in them and then made my way back to my room.
Kage was already inside, and he stood, relieving me of one of the glasses. I kicked the door closed, careful to not slam it because I still didn’t want to disturb Steph’s sleep. I walked over to the bed and set my water on the nightstand. Kage took a drink of his and asked me to set it on the nightstand too since it was on my side. I sat on the bed crosslegged and smiled at him. He smiled back and brushed my cheek with his hand. “What did I do to deserve you, Jessica?”
I cocked my head, squeezing his hand between my jaw and shoulder. “What makes you think you don’t deserve me?”
He let out the air he’d been holding in his lungs. “I guess that’s a shitty way to put it. I’m just not used to having someone sweet like you in my life.”
Wow. So the bitchy side of Fay I’d grown to know was apparently who she was all the time. “You think I’m sweet?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You’re thoughtful and…I haven’t seen one side of bitchiness out of you, even when you should be.”
I laughed. “When should I be a bitch?”
He wasn’t smiling back. “When that asshole grabbed you at the bar.”
I inhaled. “That really bothered you, didn’t it?”
He frowned. “Just because you shouldn’t have to put up with that shit.”
“It’s fine. I slap guys when they grab my boobs.”
I could see disbelief in his eyes. “They have the balls to do that?”
“It’s the liquor talking.”
He nodded. “I suppose.”
I looked down at my hands. “She treated you pretty badly, huh?” It was rhetorical, but I thought there was no harm in acknowledging it. Kage—he was the sweet person there, something he hid well underneath his aloof untouchable exterior. Fay hadn’t appreciated him at all. I could see that.
He shrugged. “I just don’t think we were meant for each other. We were both miserable, and I think we made things worse because we didn’t admit it.”
“But there had to be something, right? You loved each other at one time. Maybe that’s what you need to remember.” I could see in his eyes that he was beating himself up. That was when I knew he could feel the regret as deeply as I did. He had an additional pang, though, and that was one of feeling like he’d been a shitty husband. I was just a whore who needed money.
He tried to smile but it didn’t work. It reminded me of when my sister, then twelve, had gone to the dentist and needed a filling. The dentist had used Novocain to deaden the nerves and her cheek stayed numb for hours. Her smile was lopsided, no matter how hard she’d tried to make it full. I’d teased her about it. Kage, though—his smile seemed lopsided, as though his emotions were pulling one side down. It hurt me to see him in pain like that. I hoped talking would help. I saw a look of stone pass over his face, as if he was finding resolve inside himself. He said, “You’d think so. But you know what? Just a few days and I already have unbelievable perspective. She…she was a master manipulator, Jessica.” He nodded, just a little, but enough. “You know why we got married?”
I tilted my head. “If I had to guess, it was for the usual reasons—love, adoration…or hot sex.”
He chuckled. That was nice to see. “Well, sex had a little to do with it. Two weeks before graduation, she told me she was pregnant.” I raised my eyebrows. Oh…so that’s what he meant when he’d called her a master manipulator. “I loved her or thought I did. I wanted to do the right thing. It was more than that, though. I hadn’t had anyone close in my life for a long time, so the thought of being a dad, even though I was too goddamn young, was appealing. I wanted to be a dad. I thought I wanted to be a husband. We rushed it and got married right after graduation. And then her dad died. It wasn’t long when I was asking about our baby. She said she’d lost it, but I knew better. I knew right then that she’d lied to me. There’d never been a baby. By then, though, I could see that Flynt needed someone. He didn’t have anyone. Fay had never been close with him and his dad was gone. I’d always liked the kid, but living with him for a month made me feel responsible for him. What kind of asshole would I have been if I’d left him? Fay has always cared about one person and one person only—herself. The poor kid would’ve been in foster care within a year, because his mom couldn’t care for him…and no way in hell was I going to let him go through that.”
I stroked his cheek. “I’m the sweet one?”
He smiled and grabbed my wrist. “You repeat that, I’ll have to bend you over my knee.”
I laughed again, too loudly, probably pissing off my poor roommate. “Oh, really?”
He shook his head and brought my wrist to his lips. “I guess I can’t regret Fay, because Flynt’s a neat kid, and I feel like I’ve helped shape him into the man he’s become. How can I say that was a bad decision?”
“I don’t think you can.”
“What about you, Jessica? I feel like I know you, but really…I don’t know anything. Tell me how you got to this point in life.”
How much did I want to tell him? My life hadn’t been perfect but I felt the way he did. I couldn’t regret the steps I’d taken to get to where I was. It was the butterfly effect at work in my life. I wondered—if I’d done just one tiny thing different anywhere along the way, would I have lost this time I had with Kage? If anything in my childhood had been different, would I have felt the need to escape my mother? And what if I hadn’t had that kick ass English teacher my freshman year in high school, the one who encouraged me and convinced me I was smart, even though I was the kid from the trailer court with all the strikes against her? What if I had gotten a work study job at the library on campus instead of working at a bar, convinced I could make more in tips than minimum wage, even though I could get some studying done at the job at the college? All those what ifs, each representing a fork in the road, a time in my life where I’d made a decision. Some of those decisions, when I’d made them, hadn’t seemed significant or life altering, but as I lay in my bed with Kage next to my side, I contemplated my past. One tiny move, and he wouldn’t be here. One tiny difference at any step along the way, and I might have missed having the love of my life be with me.
It would have been a very lonely life.
Chapter Thirteen
MY HEAD WAS buried in my past, and I marveled at how my choices had brought me into Kage’s arms. The reflection had made me q
uiet, though. Kage touched the middle of my forehead with his index finger. “Penny for your thoughts.”
I smiled. I hadn’t heard that phrase in a long time. It was one my grandpa had used a lot, and then he’d urge me to give my “two cents’ worth.” He’d chuckle then, telling me he had doubled his money in that short amount of time. But I looked at Kage, his green eyes burning through me. He always seemed so intense, even when his voice was quiet and tender, as though he had to do everything in life at one hundred and ten percent. I loved that. It was a passion for life, a zeal I had never had, not with my fuck-it-all attitude. A guy like Kage—I could see how he could change my life for the better. He could help me find that silver lining I was often too pissed off or cynical to look for.
Kage could help me love life.
And that was in spite of the fact that I was beginning to suspect he’d had as bad, if not worse, a childhood than I’d had. He wore a mask, one of quiet solitude, but as I was getting to know the man inside, I was discovering that he had so much to share. How had he stayed with Fay so long, considering he was day to her night? It made no sense.
No, that wasn’t true. The man that life had shaped Kage into also made him the sweet guy who wanted to nurture Fay’s brother, so much so that he sacrificed his own happiness. It made my heart ache just thinking about it.
So I smiled at him, this man whose soul ran deep, this man I was beginning to love more than I’d ever thought possible when considering my Grinchy heart. I knew I could tell him anything, and yet I had no idea how or where to start. “There’s nothing spectacular about my childhood. Believe me.”
His finger traced the side of my face along the hairline down to my jaw. “I doubt that. Your childhood helped shape who you are today.”
I shrugged. “Let’s just say I’m happy to be here.”
He smiled. “I’m happy you’re here, too.”
I lay down on the bed and rested my head on the pillow, pulling the blanket over my legs and torso to warm my body up again. “I grew up with a mother who didn’t care much about me. She and my dad got divorced when I was little. I can’t even remember when they were together. But I do know there were two other things more important to my mom than me—her boyfriend, whoever that happened to be at the time, and my little sister. It was always clear to me that I wasn’t high on mom’s list of priorities.”
Kage frowned and lay next to me. He ran his hand over my hair and I closed my eyes, relishing the feel. But he didn’t say a word. “I tried so hard. And every once in a while, she’d act proud of me for something I did. That just encouraged me to try harder. It made me realize how desperate I was for her love and affection…the attention I hardly ever got. And, because of that, I believe I’d probably be just like her if it wasn’t for the English teacher I had my freshman year in high school. Mrs. Cone—she saw something in me and nurtured it. Thanks to her attention and encouragement that first year in high school, I took her creative writing class. And my junior year, she talked me into taking the ACT test and she helped me apply for scholarships my senior year. If I hadn’t gone to college, I’d probably be living in the trailer next to my mom, waiting tables and barely dodging a pregnancy bullet.”
Kage’s eyes searched mine. “You really think so?”
“I do. My mom didn’t give a shit about school. Neither did dad. I think my grandma and grandpa thought it was a great idea, but they didn’t live close to us. They really didn’t have a lot of influences over my life choices. Mrs. Cone, though…I knew she cared. I knew she wanted to see me succeed, and instead of trying to make my mom proud, I started trying to make Mrs. Cone proud. She’s the one who told me I needed to go to college, to make a better life for myself.”
“Do you feel like you have?”
“Oh, God, Kage. You have no idea.” I blinked a couple of times. How much should I tell him? I trusted him. I just didn’t know if he wanted to hear it all. So I decided I’d tell him a little, enough to give him a taste of what I was missing. “Like I said, my mom was all about my little sister. Don’t get me wrong. I love Jennifer. But she’s spoiled and she has my mom wrapped around her finger. She always got what she wanted. Part of me was okay with that. I love my sister and have tried not to let it bother me. And it doesn’t now that I’m not around it and can’t see it. But every once in a while, my mom managed to find a real winner of a boyfriend—now and then, one of them would be particularly abusive, usually verbally. There were a couple of grabby guys too, ones who I guess thought I was part of a package deal. But I’d tell my dad, and that’s when he’d usually come in handy. I know dad loved me, but he wasn’t part of my life. I don’t know if it was because he was avoiding mom or maybe, because he couldn’t always afford child support, maybe he thought he wasn’t worthy to spend time with me. I have no idea. But I don’t miss the dysfunction that was my family. And I love school. I feel like my brain has grown.” I saw the amused look in his eyes. “Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times I sit in some of my classes and we’re talking theory…and I’m surrounded by so many academics who just blow me away and make me feel stupid in comparison. But then I’ll write a paper that I know is worthy and I look back at my high school years and know that I’m way smarter than I used to be.”
He smiled. “Smarter? Or have you just gained more knowledge?”
Ah…that was one of the things I was growing to love about this man. He wasn’t just a pretty face. There was so much behind those eyes. That question—it said so much. I didn’t know if he was referring to his own street smarts and common sense. I did know that there was no animosity behind the question. But I considered it. “Well, maybe a little of both. I definitely know more than I did a few years ago. But I feel smarter too, like I can analyze things better than I used to. I try to consider all the facts.” Except when it came to my emotions. I remembered how I’d felt about Kage the day before, worried and jealous and sick to the pit of my stomach. Maybe when my emotions became involved, I had little control. I didn’t want to say that, though. I didn’t need him thinking I was another crazy woman latching onto him. I stroked his chest with my fingers. “But enough about me. Tell me about this band of yours.”
“What do you want to know?”
I grinned. “I want to know the next time you have a concert. I want to see you play.”
“We don’t play nearly as much as we should. But we have a show next month.”
“Where?”
“Here in Pueblo, for a change. Usually we have to go to Denver or the Springs to play.” I knew, now that I’d lived in Pueblo for several years, that the Springs meant Colorado Springs, a larger city north of Pueblo, less than an hour away. Pueblo was a decent-sized city, but Colorado Springs had a larger population, and that probably translated to bigger crowds.
“Do you care if I watch?”
“The show?”
“Yeah.”
“I’d love that.”
I bit my lower lip and traced his nipple again like I had been earlier. My voice was low when I said, “I bet you’re hot as hell onstage.”
He smiled and took a deep breath. “You trying to make me feel self-conscious about being up there?”
I grinned back and looked in his eyes. “I think you’re hot as hell no matter what you do.” That was all it took for him to take me in his arms once more to make sweet love to me. By the time we were finished, I was ready to sleep, but I rolled over and turned on my iPod, nested in its dock, so we could listen to music while we dreamed. And my dreams were of him, no doubt because I was in his arms all night.
* * *
I awoke early afternoon, only because I heard Steph and Lindsey talking in the kitchen. I glanced at the clock next to the bed. It was a little after one. I rolled over so I could face Kage and kissed his chest. I didn’t know what plans he had for the day, but I had lots of reading to do and a paper to write, not to mention another shift at the bar.
I decided to let him sleep, but I padded to the kitchen weari
ng the t-shirt from the night before and my fuzzy black slippers. Oh, and panties. I didn’t want my roomies to see my cootch. I’m pretty sure they appreciated my thoughtfulness.
“Morning,” I said, making my way to the coffee pot.
“Afternoon,” Lindsey corrected. She had a history textbook on the table in front of her, but it was shut tight.
Steph, normally quiet about those sorts of things said, “Holy shit, Jessica. Sounded like you had a great time last night.”
I was pouring creamer in my coffee and turned around, my eyebrows halfway up my forehead, a huge grin on my face. “Oh, my God, Steph. You didn’t just say that!” Lindsey was giggling, a look of shock on her own face too.
“I think I need to get myself a boyfriend too. I might settle for the battery-operated kind.”
Lindsey laughed even harder and said, “You did not just say that!”
I was speechless for one of the first times in my life. Steph was a great gal—we loved her—but she was the timid one of the bunch. In fact, she’d been an ABD student for over a year, and Lindsey and I were beginning to think she’d never finish.
Oh, ABD. That’s All But Dissertation. The woman had finished her coursework well over a year earlier and was now just working a job and working on her thesis. Frankly, the thought scared me, that I’d get to that point and then never get my master’s degree because I’d choke, unable to write the biggest paper of my life. I knew Steph was working on it, conducting research and such, but I didn’t want to be in school forever. I wanted there to be a definite end to my studies.
I couldn’t think that way. I would finish. I had to. Steph had never seemed to be in a hurry about anything. She and I were very different. In fact, Lindsey was the one who had invited Steph to a roommate before I had moved in. I liked Steph okay, though. I’d never had any problems with her.
Be Careful What You Wish For Page 9