I was grateful for that, because, even though I thought about Kage all the time, his memory managed to get buried underneath all the obligations. It was easy to drown my emotions in academia. More than ever, I was grateful for school for saving me from myself.
As the weeks passed with no word from Kage, the reality sunk in. I had been right. He didn’t need his space—he’d wanted his life back. I didn’t fit in his life nor he in mine, and he’d made the call to break it off early.
Even though I submerged myself in academia and my shitty part-time job, it wasn’t like I could forget Kage. He still felt like a big part of me, like my soulmate, and he’d ripped himself out of my life. In the quiet moments usually before dawn, I often wondered how I would fill that hole, and I realized I never would. There was no way I ever could. Kage’s absence would be like a missing limb, and I’d just have to find a way to survive without him.
It was evident to me that, even though he might have loved me at first, he didn’t feel it anymore. He’d just disappeared out of my life, and I had to go on.
Honestly, if I didn’t only have two semesters left to get my master’s degree, I would have applied elsewhere to finish out my education. Instead, I hung onto the hope that I would get accepted at a dream university when I applied in the spring. Might as well go for my doctorate, because I was going to be married to my career.
But then…something happened, something unexpected. I was coming home one Wednesday night mid September, and I saw Kage’s truck parked in front of my apartment. He was leaning against it, waiting for me, I supposed. I wondered why he hadn’t texted me or called. Instead, he was there, and I wondered what he wanted.
I was on the verge of tears when I saw him, and I realized that my wounds were still fresh and raw. I forced them back and considered if I wanted to just keep walking…but I knew I couldn’t. For the first time in weeks, I felt whole again. It made no sense, because—for all I knew—Kage had just come to collect his extra toothbrush. Or maybe he had a confession to make. I didn’t know why he was there or what he wanted and yet my heart felt light and my soul felt alive again.
My gait slowed as I got closer. It wasn’t completely dark out yet, and I could see his face. Oh, he was beautiful, and I hadn’t known just how much I’d missed him until I saw him, and that hole in the middle of me gaped wide. Each breath was difficult. The pain was fresh again and I blinked, hoping to hold it at bay until I was alone. I stopped but didn’t say anything. Not talking wasn’t intentional; I simply couldn’t think of what to say. “Can we talk?”
I shrugged. I hadn’t realized I’d been biting my lip until I had to respond. “Sure.”
He took a deep breath. “Want to get a cup of coffee with me somewhere?”
I considered it. I had a lot of studying to do, and the spring and summer semesters, while my grades had been mostly Bs, had been pretty lackluster. I wouldn’t get into a grad school to earn my PhD if I wasn’t getting top grades. Besides, I had freshman essays to grade as well. My heart, though…it overruled everything logical in my head. “Okay. But I have a lot of work to do. I can’t be gone long.”
Wow. I was proud of myself. My words were cold and clipped, not weepy, desperate, and emotional as I’d expected. He nodded and then walked around to the passenger side, holding the door open for me. I took another deep breath, feeling almost light headed, and followed him. I prayed he wouldn’t help me up on the seat like he had in the past, because I didn’t know that I could stand having him touch me. I couldn’t do it.
I was glad I was wearing slacks instead of a skirt, so I was able to climb in myself, and I did it before Kage could even try to help. I sensed rather than saw…frustration maybe.
I sensed a change of heart.
But I wasn’t going to make it easy.
He’d broken my heart and made me believe we were through. Whether he’d done it intentionally or not didn’t matter. I was hurting and I needed some time to adjust.
He didn’t say a word, and I was glad the radio was on low. It was playing some stupid commercial until the DJ came back on and started playing an Avatar song. I focused on it instead of my feelings and tried not to let myself get out of control emotionally with Kage sitting right there. In a few minutes, though, he was pulling into a café, one sure to have coffee. I had no doubt that the coffee would be old, though, and it would probably smell thick and burned and have a layer of oil swirling around on top. The truth was I didn’t want coffee anyway. I took it to mean conversation with Kage, though, and that was what I wanted more than something to drink.
We sat in a booth near the back. Kage ordered coffee but I asked for water with lemon and he asked if I wanted something to eat. I shook my head. I hadn’t been eating much lately, because my appetite had disappeared. I knew it was all part of the larger symptom, but I wasn’t going to tell him that either. The longer I was around him, the more convinced I was that he was getting ready to say goodbye forever. He was going to do it properly instead of like an uncivilized dick.
Well, I could appreciate the effort.
When the waitress left to get our drinks, Kage said, “How have you been?”
My heart started beating faster again and I felt my eyes get watery once more. I wanted to ask him if he really gave a shit. I wanted to lie and tell him I’d never been better, just to see what his reaction would be. But this was Kage…and I’d never lied to him. I couldn’t start now, no matter how this evening played out. I shrugged, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible, but I suspect I looked pathetic. “Okay. It’s been a tough semester so far.”
He blinked twice before looking down at the table in front of me. “Jess…sorry I was gone for so long. I just…needed some time to sort my shit out.”
It took all I had not to let out a chuckle. Man, if I’d gotten a dollar every time I’d heard a guy tell that to my mom, I could have a night out on the town. I clenched my teeth together again, trying to appear outwardly calm, but I was afraid my eyes would give me away. Was he really sorry or was this just the introduction to his long farewell? I forced my breaths to stay even and I nodded, unwilling to say a word. The waitress brought our drinks and set them on the table. I was glad, because I was able to focus on the glass rather than look at Kage. I just couldn’t. I knew I’d start crying or laughing hysterically if I did. So I nodded again, hoping it would encourage him to finish plunging the knife in me so I could go on with the rest of my soulless life.
“You don’t believe me.”
For some reason, that set me off. “Why do you need me to believe you, Kage?”
He shook his head. “I don’t. I want you to believe me, but I guess it’s up to you.” He got quiet then, and that was when I saw the sadness in his eyes, the heartache through those windows to his soul. He blinked again. “It was something I needed to do.” He sipped the coffee and then started talking again. “See, Jess, there’s something you need to understand. Or, at least, I would like to try to help you to understand.
“When I married Fay, I’d never been on my own, and I moved into her home with her, her disabled mother, and her little brother—oh, and her all-but-dead father. Yeah, her mom might have been in a wheelchair, but that didn’t change the fact that she wasn’t—isn’t—a nice person. Did I love Fay? At one point, yes. I know I did. I lost that, though, and stayed for Flynt. He’s a good kid and he deserves a chance, and now that he’s eighteen, he can make his own decisions.” I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah, he’s living with me now. But that’s beside the point. Jess, I went from a foster home to Fay’s to Mark’s…and I wondered in the back of my mind so many things. Did I really love you or were you just some hope I clung to, desperate to be rid of Fay? Did I just love the idea of you?
“You can hate me for being gone all you want, but it gave me the clarity I needed.” He swallowed. “I discovered that, yeah, I love you, and I don’t want to be without you.” I felt my eyes grow wider, and I felt more hope than I had in months. “And I’ll work my e
ntire life to be worthy of you.”
I felt my iron shell melt then as the furnace of his heart worked its way around me. “Oh, Kage,” I said, “you are worthy of me. So you were gone a while. I’ll get over it.”
A slight smile crept over his face. “I don’t think you understand. I, uh…remember when I was reading your thesis?” I nodded. “Fuck. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so dumb. It made me realize I should have stayed in school.”
I reached my hand across the table and touched his. “You’re not dumb, Kage. You’re plenty smart.”
He smirked. “I’m not going to debate that with you, but I guess I was smart enough to come back.” The tears started falling then, and I couldn’t stop them anymore. “Don’t cry, Jess.” He got up and sat next to me in the booth. “I did do something super stupid. I left to get my head on straight. I wanted to be sure I knew what I wanted. And I do. God, I do. I want you, Jess. Forever. I don’t want to be without you. You are the best woman I have ever known, and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you.”
I lost my breath. I hadn’t expected that, but there it was just the same. He wasn’t done talking, though. He saw the spark in my eyes, I think, because he stroked my cheek. “Please say you forgive me, Jess.” I didn’t know if I did, because all his words had taken me by such surprise that I didn’t know what I thought anymore. He must have seen that in my eyes because he said, “Just say you love me.”
That I knew without a doubt. Even if he would have told me we were done forever, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that I did love him to the ends of the earth. I nodded my head. “I do, Kage. I do love you.”
He kissed me then, a kiss full of promise, and it was as though no time had passed. I could feel myself let go of all the fears I had ever felt about him, all the doubts, and even all the anger I’d felt when he left. I not only wanted to believe him; I did. “I don’t know what the future holds, Jess, but I don’t want to do a damn bit of it without you. You are the only person for me. You are the part of myself I hadn’t known was missing until you found me. I had to be sure what I was feeling was for real, and it is, Jess. I think most people spend their whole lives trying to find something like I feel for you, and I can’t lose you.” He kissed me again, a vow, and I knew I would never doubt him again. “Please say you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I had to do a man thing, and now I’m over it.”
I laughed then. “I do. I forgive you.”
My hands were in his and he was looking down at them. “I don’t know how your lease works, but I would love to have you move in. I—”
“I thought you said Flynt had moved in with you.”
“Well, yeah, in the second bedroom. But I have a queen-size bed and no queen to share it with.”
I grinned. “That sounds nice, but I can’t leave my roommates high and dry without a replacement.”
“So you don’t move until they have a new roommate. I can live with that. Wouldn’t you like to be out of that bedroom before it gets cold again?”
“You noticed how my room gets super cold in the winter too?”
“Yeah, but you always curled up close to me then.”
“I still can.”
He stroked my cheek. “You and me, Jess. We can conquer the world.”
I cupped his cheek. “Yeah, let’s do it.”
“Starting now.”
I smiled. “No, not starting now. I have papers to grade.”
“Grade?”
“Yeah. Remember I told you I’m teaching a class this semester?”
He nodded. “Yeah. So…after that?”
I smiled again. “Actually, I think I can pencil you in for a little time before that…and then I’ll work you into my forever.”
“Damn. I like the sounds of that.”
So did I, because Kage was all the man I could ever wish for.
Up next!
Finger Bang
Orgasmic Meditation? Therapeutic?! Kaylee Baker is horrified when her girlfriends suggest a trip to artsy Boulder, Colorado, to check out the latest craze. What her friends don’t know about Kaylee is that she is a little repressed, bordering on frigid, and the idea of a complete stranger bringing her to orgasm—therapeutic or not—is horrifying.
Blaze Donahue has admired Kaylee from afar for quite some time, and part of the reason he’s kept his distance is because he’s had no indication that she might even be interested. But when he’s given the opportunity to offer her his own version of OM with no strings attached, he makes an offer she has a hard time refusing.
When there are undeniable sparks between the two, Kaylee runs, afraid of the overwhelming feelings she has for this gorgeous, sensitive guy. Blaze feels compelled to convince her otherwise but wonders if he’ll be able to crack through the ice surrounding this sweet girl. Can they find true love or will it just be a one-time O?
COMING JUNE 2014
Other books by Jade C. Jamison:
The Bullet Series
Jade loves her rock star series, and the Bullet series has been her most popular thus far. It all started with a little book called
Bullet:
An Epic Rock Star Novel
What if you discover the man you want is toxic?
She’d tasted a little bit of heaven with him, and now they’ve gone through hell and back, but can their relationship take anymore?
Valerie Quinn is a naïve college freshman when she meets on-the-rise rock star Ethan Richards. He’s an idealistic, handsome, reckless young man, but he’s captured her heart. She doesn’t give up on him and eventually his walls crumble down. By the time Valerie has given herself to him completely, she discovers he’s damaged and may be beyond help. Can she save Ethan and their relationship before he implodes, or will he self-destruct and take her with him?
Then Kiss Me
Casey Williams has left a loveless marriage and is trying to rebuild her life. She finds that, even though you can never go home again, you can find lust again, and she finds a love interest in Scott, her coworker. She also discovers his secret, that he’s a drummer for a heavy metal band, and falls hard for him…just in time to find that, between his questionable friends and psychotic maybe-ex-girlfriend, he might not be the right guy for her. But her heart beats like a drum for him, and she finds herself willing to play with fire to get closer.
Quickies
Sexy Short Stories and Other Stuff
Quickies is a collection of miscellaneous words that really don’t fit elsewhere and certainly can't stand alone. A mixture of poetry, short stories, and bite-sized nuggets, Quickies is full of small stuff that won't consume an entire day of your life but that you'll enjoy just the same. Stories like “Drawn to Him” and “Dancing on Air” are hot and sexy...and fun. And there’s also a bonus for fans of Jade's book Bullet—all the stories she wrote for fun for blogs (as well as one deleted scene) are also collected in Quickies. So enjoy Quickies...because sometimes you want it slow and steamy, but other times you want it super-hot, nasty...and quick!
The Nicki Sosebee Series
The character Nicki developed out of Jade’s need to read a strong heroine, and do we mean strong! Nicki has a sailor mouth and can keep up in that department with her rough-and-tough best friend, Sean Ramsey. And don’t get her started talking about sexual freedom. She’s all about it. Granted, it stemmed from a lost opportunity at love (with said best friend), but she appreciates sex as much as any man ever thought of. She’s still finding her way through life too, but she’s figuring it out.
Got the Life (Nicki Sosebee #1)
Nicki Sosebee wants her first headline, but she doesn’t want it to read “Reporter found dead.”
Nicki Sosebee has been working low-paying jobs ever since she finished school, but now that she’s older, she wants more. She’s a novice reporter trying to learn the ropes. Just as she’s getting her career goals on track, though, her love life gets worse and worse. Sure, she has no problems picking up good-looking guys for brief fli
ngs, but relationships? Out of the question. Maybe it’s because Sean, her gorgeous best friend, just can’t see her as more than a buddy. So when Sean encourages her as she pursues her first headline-producing story, Nicki realizes that her life’s pretty sweet…if only she can live long enough to see tomorrow’s front page.
And more! Jade just won’t shut up!
BOOKS BY JADE C. JAMISON
Stating His Case
Fabric of Night
Worst Mother
MADversary
Then Kiss Me
Old House
Quickies: Sexy Short Stories and Other Stuff
TANGLED WEB SERIES
1 Tangled Web: A Steamy Heavy Metal Novella
2 Everything But
BULLET SERIES
1 Bullet: An Epic Rock Star Novel
2 Rock Bottom
3 Feverish
4 Fully Automatic
NICKI SOSEBEE SERIES
1 Got the Life
2 Dead
3 No Place to Hide
4 Right Now
5 One More Time
6 Lost
7 Innocent Bystander
8 Blind
9 Fake
WISHES SERIES
1 Be Careful What You Wish For
COMING LATER IN 2014:
Finger Bang
Inked (an anthology with Jo-Anna Walker, Stacy Gail, Scarlett Metal, and K. Pinson)
Seal All Exits (Tangled Web #3)
Stalk me! I don’t bite (well, not too hard anyway)!
Be Careful What You Wish For Page 19