by M. E. Nesser
“I better go,” I said.
“Yeah, you better.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I don’t want you to, either, but if I don’t go inside, my mom might come out.”
“I can’t wait to see you again,” I confessed.
“Me either, B. Tonight was amazing.”
And I did the most difficult thing ever. I turned away from this fabulous girl and went home.
21
I couldn’t wait for physics the next day. I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Last night had been magical. Bryce was so fantastic. I couldn’t believe we’d talked for so long, and I still felt like we had so much more that we needed to talk about. He was such a hard worker, in school and in his sport. He seemed really respectful of other people and his family. It made him that much hotter, and I knew it was going to be really important when he met my dad. I’d never brought a boy home before, so I had no clue how my dad would react, but I did know that he’d better be polite. Holy crap, I was already thinking about introducing him to my dad. This was insane!
At one point at the diner, he’d reached over and held my hand. That simple touch had made my heart race and my palms sweat. He seemed nervous, too, and his hands were a little sweaty, but he didn’t let go. When he rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand, I thought I was going to combust.
I had never been in love, but if this was what it was like, then sign me up! My feelings of insecurity were flying out the window. I was experiencing a mix of excitement and lust, a myriad of emotions I’d never felt in my entire life. Everything about being with him was intense. All I knew is that I wanted to be with him every minute of every day.
I was useless in every class that day, remembering every little detail of our night together. Everything around me seemed different. The sky was brighter. Everyone seemed happier. School wasn’t so annoying. I spent most of the day feeling like I was flying on a cloud. I couldn’t wait to be with Bryce again. My daydreaming was getting very sexual in nature. Our make out session in the kitchen ignited a whole new mix of sensations in me. This was definitely an exciting time in my life.
I knew a little bit about sex, but not enough that the prospect of having sex for the first time didn’t terrify me. I was actually on birth control and had been for almost a year, because I had really bad periods and the pill made them so much better. I’d hated every minute of the exam I had to have before my doctor would write the prescription. I hated it when the doctor looked at me. It was so humiliating. She knew I was petrified and tried to make me feel more comfortable, but I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She mentioned that the pill didn’t protect against sexually transmitted diseases and warned me to use condoms with any new—or multiple—partners. Trust me—that was the least of my worries. All I wanted was for the lady to get her head out of my crotch and let me put my clothes back on. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to get into that profession.
I thought the comment about multiple partners was a pretty lousy thing to say. I had no desire to whore around. Who did she think she was, lecturing me that way? It wasn’t her place to make assumptions about me. My sex life, or lack thereof, was none of her damn business. I wondered for a moment if my mom had asked her to say something to me. I kind of doubted that she did, though. My mom was always straightforward and honest with me. And even if she did talk to the doctor beforehand, that didn’t mean the doctor had to say anything. The whole visit had just sucked. But I was on the pill. That was a good thing, because I could totally see myself doing it with Bryce Collins.
I’ll never forget the drive home from that doctor’s appointment. My mom and I had a really honest, but awkward, conversation.
“Did you like Dr. Hartmon?” my mom asked me.
“She was ok, I guess” I murmured.
“Did the exam hurt?” she continued.
“Kind of. It was just so freaking embarrassing!” I yelled.
“I know, baby. It’s not my favorite thing to do either, but it is part of being a woman,” she tried to explain.
“Well, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to do that as a profession. It felt degrading. I didn’t like having my feet in the stirrups. I definitely didn’t like her hands in me or her head so close to that area. I’m not looking forward to doing that again.”
We drove for a few minutes in silence when I got the nerve to ask her a question that I had been thinking about.
Mom, can I ask you something?” I asked her timidly.
“Of course. You can ask me anything,” she said.
“How old were you when you went to a gyno?”
“I was sixteen, just like you. I had been dating a boy named Thomas for several months. We were pretty crazy about one another. We talked about taking our relationship to the next level. I knew my parents would kill me if I got pregnant. I went with a girlfriend to a clinic about an hour away from our house. They didn’t charge very much, which was important since I didn’t have much spending money. I remember how nice everyone was. The inside of the facility was painted yellow and someone had drawn a mural of children playing with flowers on one of the walls. It was a happy scene, and it made me feel more comfortable being there. The doctor that examined me was a man. I remember feeling embarrassed, probably like you felt today. He told me all about my different birth control options. I decided on a pill. I don’t remember him advising me to use condoms if I went on the pill, though. Did Dr. Hartmon say anything to you about using them?” she asked me.
“Yeah. She said I had to be careful, because there were a lot of STD’s I needed to be worried about. But what if both people are virgins?” I asked shyly. “Would condoms still be necessary?”
“It’s probably better to be safe than sorry. It’s also an added source of protection against pregnancy. You know, I’m really glad we’re having this talk, Katie. You know you can always come to me with any questions, right?” she asked me lovingly.
“I do. This conversation is just a little weird for me,” I admitted.
“You know what baby? It’s a little weird for me too.”
22
I’d dated a lot of girls, but I never went all the way with any of them. I’ve felt my fair share of boobs, and I’ve even touched a couple of girls between their legs, but that seemed so much more intimate; I didn’t do it with every girl I made out with. It was cool to figure out what kinds of things made a girl feel good. I had never put my mouth on a girl down there, because I never liked any of them enough to try it, but I could see myself doing it with Katie.
A few of the girls I made out with gave me hand jobs or blowjobs. Getting blowjobs from girls I didn’t really care about was strange, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how good it could feel. I always wondered why a girl would want to do that to me when we weren’t dating and didn’t even know each other very well, but it was pretty tough to say no. It never seemed right to the rational side of my brain, but after a few beers, the other side always took over. I had always fantasized about a girl I loved sucking me off, because then it would actually mean something.
Getting a hand job is just awkward. I freaked out every time it happened, because I worried that my mom would find the mess in my boxers and figure out what I had done. Whenever a girl would jerk me off, I would offer to do the laundry, but she would never let me do it. It was so embarrassing to think she might notice the remnants on my pants after a night out.
The next couple of weeks were amazing. Katie and I saw each other whenever possible. I couldn’t believe how smitten I was becoming. She was so vivacious and bright and beautiful. We spent a lot of time kissing, but we never took it further than that. I knew she was a virgin, and I didn’t want to pressure her into something she wasn’t ready for. And, to be honest, I was pretty scared about doing it for the first time myself. I told her that I had more experience than she had, but it took me a while to admit that I was a virgin. The whole idea was emasculating; I was afraid she would think less of me if she knew the tru
th. Still, I was happy I’d waited to have sex. My ultimate goal was to have sex with Katie, and she was worth the holding out for, even if I had to wait until we got married. I knew Katie had to be my first—and possibly my only: she was everything I had ever wanted in a girl.
We spent a lot of time making out, and every time, I went home and masturbated in the shower. My mom asked me why I’d started showering at night, and I made up some bullshit excuse about not liking the pressure in the showers after squash practice. I had masturbated more since I’d met Katie than I had ever in my life. I didn’t want to take advantage of her, and I didn’t want to rush her into anything she wasn’t ready for, so I would enjoy every minute I could kissing and touching her. Then I would go home and relieve all of the incredible tension building in my loins. My orgasms were more intense, now, because I had a face and a body to fantasize about. I wondered whether she fantasized about me, too.
23
I may not have had much sexual experience before this point in my life, but all our make out sessions were killing me. I had never had an orgasm, but I knew that the crazy feelings between my legs were leading up to something incredible. The only thing I wanted in this entire world was to have sex with Bryce. It was really sweet that he wanted to take things slowly. He treated me with so much respect that I thought I was going to die. But I wanted him to do all sorts of naughty things to me. I wanted to touch his penis and watch it get really big. I wanted to suck on it and listen to him moan and gasp in ecstasy. I wanted him to be so horny that he couldn’t help but ravish every inch of my body. I was totally getting over being nervous about having sex with him, because I knew it would be the most amazing feeling in the world. I needed more than Bryce was giving me. He was being such a gentleman. It was so frustrating. He was careful to touch me only outside my clothing. I craved his touch on my skin. I wanted him to be a savage and assault my body with his hands and his mouth—and especially with that bulge. God, I needed this boy so bad. All of these new feelings were so intense; sometimes I thought I was being possessed.
One night, we went to the drive-in movie theatre. We had been dating for almost two months, and we both knew that we were completely infatuated with each other. We were watching some action film; I think it was one of the Fast and Furious movies. We started kissing, and before I even realized what was happening, he reached under my skirt and put his hand under my panties. He had never touched the skin beneath my panties before, and the sensation was indescribable. He was touching me with such care and in such a gentle way that I felt compelled to push his hand against my body to quell the ache that was throbbing between my legs. I know he was trying to take it slow, but I didn’t want him to. I needed him to touch my body and ignite all the passion that I knew was building inside of me. I was in pain. I needed him to apply more pressure to the unrelenting itch that plagued me. I wanted this boy more than anything I’d ever wanted in my entire life. If he didn’t start asserting himself with his body, I was going to figure out a way to show him what I knew I needed. I may have been a virgin, but I couldn’t take all this tantalizing foreplay. I needed to have sex with him. I was ready to have sex now, in the car. Hell, I would have done it in the front seat and not cared if anyone saw us.
“Is this okay?” he asked me.
“It’s better than okay. I’ve been waiting a long time for you to touch me there,” I admitted.
“I don’t want to scare you, Katie,” he said sweetly.
“B, the only thing that scares me is that you’ll stop,” I told him.
He began to rub my lips, and the feeling was delicious. I couldn’t help the sounds that were escaping from me. I started pulling at his hair and kissing him harder. He pulled closer to me so I could feel his erection against my thigh. My heart was racing. My neck was hot and flushed. I could feel the blood racing through my body. I was finally about to find the release I had been waiting for.
Suddenly, there was a banging on the door. We pulled apart and tried to look through the foggy window. It was a couple of Bryce’s buddies standing outside the car. He rolled the window down and said, “Hey, what’s going on?”
His one friend Jimmy said, “There’s a bunch of us with chairs on the lawn under the maple tree. We brought some booze. Scott told me that you were coming tonight. I saw your car and wanted to ask you guys to join us.”
“Uh, yeah…. sure. We can join you,” Bryce said hesitantly.
“Hey Katie, how’s it going?” Jimmy leaned in the window to acknowledge me.
“Things are great Jimmy. We’ll meet you there in a sec,” I told him. It was the last thing I wanted to do. The spell was broken, however, and I knew we had to hang out with them. That’s what we did.
24
My friends had the worst timing ever! I’d finally gotten the nerve to touch Katie between her legs, and they had to come banging on my door. I could tell she was annoyed, too, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. We got out of the car and joined them. We did have a good time, but I was thoroughly disappointed. I’m pretty sure she felt exactly the same way.
As we were driving home, Katie said, “I had fun tonight, B. Thanks for asking me out.”
“Sorry the guys interrupted us.”
“That’s ok. I liked hanging out with your friends. Jimmy is really funny. His impressions of all those different movie actors were hysterical. I can’t believe he’s going to Harvard for medicine. He doesn’t seem serious enough to be a doctor,” she said.
“Oh yeah, he’s wicked smart. He’s also so much fun to hang out with. He can find humor in the strangest things. He also loves messing with us. One time, we were sitting around a bonfire. He found two worms in the dirt and went into this long explanation about how worms mate. Then he put one of the worms on top of the other and told us to watch while they do it. We all sat there in silence just staring at these two worms. After a few minutes, he was laughing so hard that snot was running out of his nose. Of course, we believed him when he said they’d mate. It was hysterical. Of course we bought his story. He’s supposedly the smartest one in our friend group.”
“That’s really funny. Well, I had a blast. I hope I can hang out with them again.”
I was psyched that all of my friends liked Katie. She was casual and funny around them. I was proud that she was mine. But was she totally mine? I hadn’t officially asked her out yet, and I knew I had to take care of that little detail. There was no way she would say no to being my girlfriend—right? Things were just too great between us.
After the incident at the drive-in, I knew I needed to ask her to be my girlfriend. It was part of the whole dating ritual. I needed to know we were exclusive. It seemed childish, since it was obvious she was as obsessed with me as I was with her. I didn’t really know why it was so important for me to hear it from her lips. But it totally was.
I wanted the moment that I asked her to go out with me to be incredibly special. I’d lie awake at night thinking about the best place to do it. I called my brother Blake, who was a senior at Yale, and asked his advice.
“You must like this girl, huh? You’ve never called me about a girl before.”
“I’ve never felt this way about any girl before. I want to ask her out, and I want it to be special. Where should I ask her?”
“Since we’re from Connecticut,” Blake said, “There’s only one place to go. It’s where I went with Cindy.”
My brother gave me some great advice. I agreed with him that I would take her to Block Island the following Sunday. The island had an area called The Bluffs that had always seemed really romantic to me; I agreed with Blake that it was the perfect place to go. That would make the moment even more memorable.
I knew about this place because my buddies and I had gone to the Mohegan Bluffs once and actually seen people hanging out there completely nude—it was that secluded. It made me pretty nervous watching them. I felt like such a voyeur. The guys had a fun time making fun of the naked couples. I secretly wished that I w
ere a part of one of the couple’s that we saw that day. They looked so happy and in love. I hoped I’d find a girl to take there someday, and now I finally had. I didn’t know how I felt about being nude, but I loved how private the area was.
Now I had to decide what kind of gift to get her when I asked her out. A ring seemed a little presumptuous at this point in our relationship. I thought about making her a tape of the music that we liked to listen to. We listened to a ton of music when we hung out. We never turned the television on. There were too many things to talk about. And, of course, there was always a lot of kissing and touching going on.
I decided that after practice, I’d go to a store and try to find her a necklace. I’d worked a lot during the summer and saved a fair amount of money, so I could afford to get her something decent.
My brother had told me about a shop in Greenwich that had unusual stuff for sale, so I went there on Saturday to see what they had. I found a sterling silver necklace with a pendant that reminded me of an abstract kitten. Kittens are soft and sweet, and they purr. Katie was soft and sweet, and she purred when I kissed her. I wasn’t sure how she would react to this necklace, since neither or us owned a cat, but it seemed perfect to me. I only hoped she understood what the necklace meant and didn’t think it was corny. I had tried out the pet name “Kitten” once or twice, and she giggled when I called her that, so I thought this would be perfect.
When I got home from the store, I called her. “Hey Katie how are you today?”
“I’m great Bryce. I was hoping you’d call me! What have you been up to all day?” she asked.
“Not much,” I told her. “I had practice and then ran some errands. What have you been up to?”
“My mom’s sister Sandy just had a hysterectomy, so we went up to the hospital to see her for a couple hours. She had the surgery yesterday. There were a few complications, so she probably won’t be allowed to go home until Monday. They thought she had cancer, but the tumors were benign. Everyone’s ecstatic with the news. It has been pretty scary. Remember I told you about Aunt Sandy and Uncle Jack? They have the house on Long Island with the huge sixty foot Catamaran sailboat?”