by M. E. Nesser
When we were called back into the room, Katie changed into a hospital gown. The doctor, a beautiful Asian woman named Dr. Shan, came in and congratulated us on our pregnancy. She seemed very sweet and had the most sincere smile. I liked her instantly. Next, she wanted to give Katie an internal exam. I hadn’t really known what that entailed. Now that I do, I give women a lot of credit. That speculum thing looked like a torture device. I had a hard time watching the doctor stick that thing inside of Katie. It looked cold, hard, and downright creepy. Lastly, she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound. This was interesting. She took this large apparatus that looked like a giant dildo out of a sterile compartment next to the table Katie was laying on. She proceeded to put a condom over the device. Then she put some lubricant over the entire thing to make it more comfortable as she inserted it into Katie’s vagina. It was petrifying and fascinating at the same time. Once it was fully inserted, we could not only see a small walnut sized blob that supposedly was our baby, we could hear the heartbeat. It was such a defining moment. We were both so overcome with emotion that we couldn’t speak.
That’s when the tears came. This was real. We were having a baby. It was exciting—and also scary as hell. Thankfully, Katie had some experience babysitting. She was pretty comfortable with the whole infant thing. Me, on the other hand? I don’t think I had ever held a baby in my entire life.
“You did it Katie. You made a baby!” I said happily.
“We did it B. I can’t believe it. We’re having a baby!” she said.
As the doctor removed the device, I put my head on Katie’s breasts and hugged her. She buried her face on my head and hugged me back. There were no words to express our joy. This beautiful woman that I loved with all my heart was having my baby.
We had a lot of decisions to make. The big question was whether to stay where we were living. We had two bedrooms. The second bedroom was an office, but there was definitely room for some baby stuff. We loved living near work. It was convenient, especially with the long hours we both put in. We also had a few years before we would have to worry about schools. So we decided to stay close to our jobs for the time being. We loved our place, and neither of us was ready to move. There were no restrictions about having a baby in our building, which was helpful. Some of the complexes in Manhattan didn’t allow kids.
Day care was our next issue. Katie’s firm was so large that they had actually built a day care facility on the twelfth floor. Katie felt torn between taking advantage of that and having a nanny come to our apartment. I wasn’t really comfortable having a stranger in our house, but I felt like it was a decision Katie should make. After weeks of deliberation, she decided to have the baby go to the day care. Some of the other moms had convinced her that it would build the baby’s immune system and help with socialization. That made me laugh. Aren’t infants like amoebas? They just lie around for the first couple of months, don’t they? How do we factor socialization into their repertoire when they can’t even walk or talk? But who was going to question a mom? Not me, that’s for sure.
Our next dilemma was whether to find out the baby’s sex. I liked the idea of being surprised. Katie liked the idea of being prepared. We went back and forth for weeks. She finally agreed with me that there are few surprises in life, so the sex of the baby would be a secret until the big day. Score one for the daddy! Oh Christ, I was going to be a daddy. That concept hadn’t grown any less daunting.
The subsequent debate about naming this unborn entity was constant and annoying as hell. She wanted to name a boy after me. The idea of someone calling a baby “Brycey” made me wince. I wasn’t keen on having a baby named Junior, either. It always made me think of someone inferior, or small. I liked solid names, like Jack. Naming a girl was even harder. Katie liked old-fashioned names like Alice. I thought Alice sounded old. We were at an impasse with the whole name thing.
Since we were still practicing Catholics, we both were steadfast in our desire to have the baby baptized. That thrilled both of our parents. We were going to ask my brother and his wife to be the baby’s Godparents. We also decided that we would have the baby baptized in the church that we’d been married in. It was the only place that felt right.
Katie had mixed feelings about whether or not she would have the baby naturally. That was totally up to her, but after going to a few birthing classes, I told Katie that I’d want the strongest drugs on the market. That shit looked horrifying! In this day and age, there had to be a better way.
Now all we had to do was wait. We counted the weeks. We ate even healthier than before. Katie had stopped drinking alcohol when she’d learned about the pregnancy, and I gave it up, too. She read baby books to me, and we talked about the future for hours. Our lovemaking didn’t slow down; it just got more creative. As her belly got bigger, we had to adjust positions continually and use a lot of pillows to cushion all of her body parts. It was a lot of fun having sex while she was pregnant. I didn’t know why any couple would abstain. Her hormones were in overdrive through the entire pregnancy, and I took full advantage of it. We laughed a lot more during sex. It made our bond even better and our love even stronger.
59
I was giving a presentation to a few of the partners when I was interrupted by a painful sensation in my stomach. I was able to talk through it, but it scared me—I was only thirty-six weeks pregnant; it was too soon for me to be going into labor. A few minutes later, I felt more cramping.
The next thing I knew, a gush of water rushed downs my legs. As professionally as I could, I told my colleagues that my assistant had all of the information they would need. It appeared that I was about to have a baby, so I needed to conclude the meeting. I sat down and called for one of the drivers to take me to the hospital.
My second call was to Bryce. His secretary said that he was in a meeting and that she would leave him a message. I asked her politely but sternly to put me through to him. She repeated that she would be more than happy to relay a message to him when the meeting was over. I asked her again, and she told me no. At this point, I was starting to panic as my stomach was cramping and I was looking at the water all over the floor. I lost all composure and yelled, “Andrea, I am having a fucking baby. Please put him on the goddamn phone!”
It took about two seconds for Bryce to pick up the phone. I told him that I was on the way to the hospital and that my water had broken. At this point, I estimated that the contractions were about three minutes apart, so I knew I didn’t have much time. We agreed to meet at the hospital.
Bryce was waiting for me as they wheeled me up to the maternity ward. He ran in looking frenzied and sweaty. He had loosened up his tie and was carrying his suit coat.
“Did you run the whole way here?” I asked.
“Pretty much. I didn’t want to miss a thing,” he replied breathlessly as he kissed me firmly on the lips. He grabbed my hand and pushed the hair out of my face.
“How do you feel,” he asked me.
“I’m scared, B,” she admitted.
“Don’t be scared. You’re one of the strongest women I know. You’ve got this. Besides, I’ll be right here by your side the entire time.”
Three members of the staff helped me onto a hospital bed. The doctor put my legs up in stirrups as the next contraction came.
“Oh Lord, here comes another one,” I screamed. I panted through about a minute of stabbing pains. As the pains subsided, Bryce looked white as a ghost.
“Don’t wimp out on me now, B. I need you to be strong.”
“I’m here, Kitten. I just hate seeing you in so much pain.”
“It’s all right. Just hold me, please.”
When the doctor examined me, she told me that I was dilated ten centimeters: it was time to start pushing. I’ll admit it—I had never been this scared in my entire life. I had read all of the books and watched countless videos, but it wasn’t the same as being in the moment. The moment was terrifying, and I wasn’t sure I could do it.
Bryce m
ust have sensed my fear, because he started whispering in my ear, saying how much he loved me. He also kept reassuring me that I was a strong woman and I would be able to do this. His encouragement was exactly what I needed. He had always made me feel powerful when I doubted my own strength.
Forty minutes later, Jackson Bryce Collins was born. He was a little over five pounds, and just over eighteen inches long. He started screaming as soon as he came out. When he started to wail, we looked at each other and burst out laughing. We couldn’t believe how loud this tiny baby was.
Bryce kept telling me how proud he was of me and how well I did. I felt empowered and full of love. I also felt a lot of pain, and the most intense exhaustion of my life. But none of that mattered. We’d made a baby. I had never felt such joy.
60
I was thrilled to bring Katie and Jack home from the hospital. Katie wanted to try breastfeeding, and I was glad she did. The baby figured out how to latch on eventually and was nursing every two to three hours. It was hard at first, but they have people who specialize in breastfeeding, and they helped Katie and the baby learn how to do it. I hadn’t known breastfeeding was so complicated—I’d always thought a woman just shoved her boob in a baby’s mouth. I had been very misguided with that notion. Apparently, there is a science to it.
Katie’s mom stayed with us for the first week to help out. She was such a Godsend. She cooked for us and did the laundry. She watched the baby so Katie could nap. She told us that breastfeeding didn’t come easy for her either. I know that made Katie feel better, because she was feeling defeated when it didn’t come naturally. My parents came by to see the baby at the hospital, but they said they’d give us a week or two to adjust to the newborn before they came to visit us again.
I wanted to take over with some of the feedings, and Katie didn’t seem to mind. She said she would introduce the bottle, filled with her breast milk, after a few weeks. She had scheduled to take eight weeks of leave, and my company was kind enough to let me take a month. I don’t remember much about the first two weeks. I insisted on getting up with Katie when she nursed in the middle of the night. I also insisted that she let me change Jack’s diapers so she could get as much sleep as possible.
After a couple of weeks, we started to develop a routine. We took long walks through the city. We took turns going to visit different family members’ homes to show off the baby. We napped when the baby did. It was wonderful being together as a family, twenty-four hours a day. I didn’t think it was possible to love Katie more than I already did, but this baby created an even stronger bond that was incredibly intense. I never knew I had this much love in my heart. I loved this baby and this woman more than anything in the world.
During the third week, Jack fell asleep at around seven one night, and I decided to climb into bed and read a book. I heard Katie get into the shower, and I didn’t think anything of it. I never heard the shower finish, but somehow I sensed that she was standing at the end of the bed. I looked up to see her standing there, completely naked. Her boobs were much larger than normal, and most of her baby weight was gone. Her hair was down and brushed. She was smiling at me.
“You have that naughty look on your face, Kitten,” I commented.
“I feel naughty.”
“Isn’t it too soon?” I questioned.
“I don’t care, Bryce. I miss you, and I need you to make love to me,” she pleaded.
“But what if I hurt you?” I asked.
“You’ll hurt me if you turn me away.”
I got out of bed, tossing my book recklessly onto the floor. We hadn’t been intimate in almost a month, and I couldn’t wait to make love to her. I held her face in my hands and kissed her gently.
“Are you sure?”
“Take your clothes off, B. I’ve missed you.”
I removed my sweats and T-shirt in an instant. We started hugging and kissing and rubbing our hands all over each other. I cupped her ass in my hands and pulled her closer to me. My erection was obvious, and I could feel her heart starting to race. As our kissing became more passionate, I felt something strange on my chest. We pulled back and saw that she was leaking breast milk everywhere. Our laughter got really loud, but we quickly remembered the baby; we didn’t want to wake him up. I threw her back on the bed and sucked the milk off her midsection. It didn’t taste like normal milk, but I was so turned on by the wonderment of this woman’s body. I kneaded her breasts, and the milk went everywhere, making a mess on the sheets.
“Fuck the sheets,” I told her.
“Fuck me,” she said.
I crawled up her body and started kissing her with an energy that I hadn’t felt in weeks. I adored and admired this amazing woman, and I knew I’d never get enough of her. I shifted my body to her side so I could stroke her while I kissed her. She was so wet and ready for me. I still needed to make sure she was fully satisfied before I found my release. I also wanted her body completely ready so I didn’t hurt her. She had told me the day before that she was no longer bleeding down there. I guess I should have picked up on her comment as a suggestion, but I hadn’t wanted to rush her.
I was throbbing so hard for her, but I wasn’t about to let go until she came at least once. I picked up the pace with my hand on her clit until I felt her starting to buck her hips toward me. I knew what she needed. I thrust one finger in to test the water. She moaned with delight. I stuck a second finger in to make sure she felt no discomfort. She moaned even harder. As I plunged my fingers deeper and deeper, I used the palm of my hand to encircle the front of her. That was all it took to get her to her release. As she started to scream, I completely drowned out her sounds with my mouth so we didn’t wake the baby. This was a new twist to our lovemaking.
She wasn’t satisfied with my fingers inside of her. She needed more. I could feel her restless body wiggle her way beneath me. She didn’t need to say anything. I knew what she needed. But I was nervous to plunge too hard or too deeply. As quickly as possible, I shifted our positions so she was on top. I wanted her to be the cruise director on our ride. She understood completely and thanked me.
She sat up, and I watched the milk drip from her gorgeous, engorged breasts. Being messy made our first post-baby lovemaking session that much more erotic. She grabbed my penis and started pumping it so it was completely primed for her. We stared into each other’s eyes with so much love that it was almost painful. I felt her slowly lower herself onto me, but I couldn’t stop looking in her eyes. Part of me was watching to see if she flinched and felt any pain. The lower she got, the bigger she smiled. She lowered her torso onto mine, and our kissing resumed. One of my hands held on to her hips and urged her to ride me harder. My other hand massaged her breast and enjoyed the hot, wet sensation that was going everywhere.
Katie held one hand behind my head, and I felt her other hand reach under my ass to urge my hips closer to hers. We found our rhythm, and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I loved it when she was on top of me. She said her orgasms were always the most intense this way. It was the perfect way to resume our sexual connection.
I could feel her panting more loudly as she started to ride me harder. God, I had missed having Katie on top of me. It didn’t take long for us to both find that beautiful moment of ecstasy together. We were one again. Our passion had been reignited.
61
I loved being a mom. I loved being a wife. But I also loved being an attorney. By the time eight weeks had passed, I was ready to get back to work. Bryce had gone back to work after four weeks, and I was starting to go a little stir-crazy without him around.
It was scary to drop Jack off that first day, but we had gone in for a few hours the week before and hung out so I could see how the daycare was run. The staff was amazing. It was expensive, but it was worth it.
Going back to work was a Godsend for me. I needed the mental stimulation as well as the adult interaction. When I went to pick Jack up, I was so thrilled to see him. Every night, Bryce and I spent t
he evening fawning over him. When he went to bed, we spent some quality time fawning over one another.
The next couple of years were a blur. Our jobs were as demanding as ever, and we were both finding incredible success. Jack started walking and then talking, and before we knew it, he was ready for preschool. We enrolled him in a grossly overpriced private preschool, and he seemed to thrive there. I loved seeing his personality emerge. He was bright and enthusiastic and full of questions. We had decided that Jack was enough for us—neither of us wanted another child. I was so glad we were in agreement about this.
We talked about moving out of the city, but it didn’t make any sense with both of our offices in Manhattan. Fortunately, there was an excellent private school nearby that we could easily afford. When Jack turned four, we moved to a larger apartment. It had three bedrooms—we could have an office, and Jack could have a bigger room.
When Jack was five, Bryce decided to introduce him to the game of squash. He bought him a small racquet and took him to the health club he played at. Jack loved hitting the ball. He loved chasing after it even more. It was adorable to see the two of them play together. After an hour, Jack would be completely wiped out and begging for ice cream—for some reason, ice cream after squash was a package deal.
As Jack got older, we enrolled him in soccer. He preferred squash, but we kept him enrolled because it was great for his endurance. We also enrolled him in squash lessons with a local pro twice a week. He saw all of the trophies in our office from Bryce’s days of stardom in the sport, and he wanted to be like daddy. It was the cutest thing ever.
He wanted to spend all of his time on the court, but we were adamant that school came first. We also expected him to remain committed to the soccer team he was on. He played a forward position on the soccer team and always played the entire game. That meant he ran a lot. Running was a good thing. It made him that much faster and stronger on the squash court.