by Kelly Boyce
Hawk glared at his uninvited companion, wishing Huntsleigh had not chosen to come to White’s at the same time as he. All he wanted was to drink his brandy in silence and mourn the loss of the woman he loved. He was in no mood to put up with his friend’s jabs that he had not done all he could. It was the height of hypocrisy.
“You are hardly one to talk. Did you not do the same thing when Lady Caelie refused you?”
Huntsleigh cleared his throat and straightened in his chair. “I did no such thing.”
“Are you certain? I quite remember Blackbourne indicating that you had slunk away to your bachelor apartments and stayed there until he, Bowen, and your grandfather showed up to roust you out.”
“Blackbourne needs to learn to keep his mouth shut,” Huntsleigh muttered. “And I would point out that his involvement in rousting me was only because he wanted to wring my neck for compromising his cousin. And regardless, my situation was completely different.”
“In what way?”
Huntsleigh pressed a hand against his heart. “I was devastated. I loved her.”
“Well, I love Madalene!” Bloody hell. He sank in his seat as the other patrons of White’s sitting nearby turned to stare upon his declaration. Heat burned up his throat and did not stop until it reached the roots of his hair.
“Well, well, well.” Huntsleigh grinned and God help him, but Hawk wanted nothing more in that moment than smack the damn smile off the earl’s smug face. “I thought as much. I’ve never known you to take such an interest in someone else’s well-being the way you have Miss Cosgrove’s. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”
“How is it that no one has killed you yet?”
“Your guess is as good as mine. But this isn’t about me. If you love this woman as you claim, then you will do whatever you must to convince her of this and make her yours. Although, I would caution against kidnapping her and running off to Gretna Green. You’re likely to be in enough trouble with Bowen as it is having compromised the girl. No point adding insult to injury.”
“And just how do you suggest I do that? She wants nothing more to do with me. Should I rush after her and beg? Fall at her feet and pledge eternal fidelity?”
“Yes. And as it turns out, I am returning to Lakefield Abbey the day after next. That should leave you ample time to pack a bag and determine a proper course of action to convince the young lady you cannot live without her and vice versa. Although, perhaps leave off all this cloak and dagger I need to protect you bit. Women hate being told what to do. Trust me on this. And oftentimes, as I have discovered, they are much better at taking care of themselves than we give them credit for.”
Chapter Twenty-One
The journey home to Northill proved a rather taxing affair, filled with awkward conversation that did little to alleviate the crushing ache in Madalene’s chest. All she really wanted was to find a quiet moment where she might sit alone by a fire and cry until the ache eased. Unfortunately, Mrs. Cleary’s presence did not allow her such a luxury. Nor was her state of mind improved by the older woman’s viewpoint on the topic of Lord Hawksmoor.
“Are you certain turning down his lordship’s proposal is truly the best course of action, my dear?” Mrs. Cleary had wasted no time upon Hawk’s departure from the carriage before she asked the question. Perhaps she hoped Madalene would come to her senses before they were too far away to turn around and go back, should she change her mind.
“It is the only thing I can do, Mrs. Cleary. Please, do not ask me about it again. The matter is best left alone.”
Hawk was not hers to have or to keep. He belonged to a level of society she had no interest in joining. Not that she would be welcomed if she did. Perhaps he did not see this as clearly as she, but eventually he would. After his father passed and he became the new Earl of Ravenwood, he would need a proper lady to be his countess, to give him heirs.
The thought twisted in her stomach until it became a tangled knot. She would have loved to be that woman. To be the mother to his children. To bask in the glow of his love and friendship, his warmth and humor. But that was not the life he had asked her to be a part of. He wanted to protect her out of a sense of misguided responsibility. He blamed himself for his brother’s attack, for Phillip making her a part of his twisted game to teach Hawk a lesson in family loyalty.
In the beginning, she had feared Lord T’s existence. She’d spent the first couple of years after leaving Raven Manor looking into shadows for monsters that might lurk out of sight. But as time wore on nothing happened. No one came after her. No one attempted to harm her. And over time, Madalene had let down her guard, believing what Phillip had said was nothing more than one last, desperate attempt to hurt his brother.
In that, he had proven most successful. Hawk had spent the last five years trying to find a man she thought nothing more than a figment of Phillip’s madness. She’d been wrong. Lord T had been out there. But she hadn’t been his target. Hawk had. He’d taunted Hawk until the poor man spent his life chasing his tail trying to find Phillip’s accomplice. Yet, other than the letters, Lord T had done nothing, obviously lacking Phillip’s fervor for the horrific behavior.
If she married Hawk, wouldn’t she be tying him to a cause that had brought him nothing but misery? If he had told her the truth about the letters earlier, she could have saved him years of torment. Released him from this ridiculous duty that imprisoned him.
No, she must not perpetuate this incessant need he had to keep her safe. As much as the idea broke her heart, it was better that she was out of his life for good. She knew of no other way to force him to let the matter go. Now he could get on with the life he deserved and leave the past where it belonged. In the past.
The trip to Northill took two days. They stopped at an inn overnight and shared a room. Throughout the journey, Mrs. Cleary kept an eye on her, as if, despite her best attempt at remaining stoic, she could sense the tears Madalene held at bay. Tears she would allow to fall once she could be alone and after she informed her father of what had happened.
That was a task she did not look forward to, though it was easier to focus on Father’s disappointment than on the fact she would never see Hawk again. Such a strange sensation. Which was odd, really. She had lived the past five years without seeing him. The only information she’d had of him was from servants’ gossip, snippets here and there that colored a picture of a tormented and unhappy man bent on destroying others.
The truth, as it often turned out, was a far different picture than the one painted by gossip. Yes, he was tormented and unhappy, but for far different reasons than anyone could have ever guessed. Save for someone who had been with him years ago to see the damage inflicted.
The warmth of Northill’s kitchens, filled with the sumptuous aromas of freshly baked bread and roasted chicken welcomed Madalene home. She breathed in deeply of the familiar scents and prayed for strength to get through the rest of this day. If she could make it through today, then surely tomorrow would be easier and then the day after that a bit easier still. It was what she told herself, knowing it to be nothing more than a lie. Still, it was all she had.
“Oh, Miss Cosgrove!” Lady Rebecca rushed down the hallway as they emerged from the kitchens and held out her hands in greeting. “Andrews told us you had arrived. We had not expected you to return so soon, but I am so pleased to have you back. I have sent word to your father to let him know. I expect he will be along shortly. He has missed you something fierce, though he tells me he is happy you are experiencing London proper.”
“Thank you, my lady.” The warm greeting helped bolster her confidence that she could get through this, though she sorely hated to destroy her father’s delusions over her experience in London. “May I present to you, Mrs. Dorothy Cleary. She has agreed to take on my post. I think you will be most pleased with her.”
“If you recommend her, I am certain we will. It is lovely to meet you, Mrs. Cleary,” Lady Rebecca said before turning back to Madalene. “Perhaps you would like to show Mrs
. Cleary to her room and have her settled, then join Mr. Bowen and me in the drawing room so your father might welcome you home?”
“Of course, my lady.” The sooner Madalene could reveal she returned home shrouded in scandal, the better she would feel.
Ah, more lies she told herself.
After settling Mrs. Cleary and ensuring a tray was sent up to her room before she settled in for the evening, Madalene made her way down the staircase to the second floor, her pace slowing as she neared the drawing room door. Despite repeated attempts to find the best way to break the news to Father and the Bowens on what had occurred, she’d finally come to the conclusion that, when it came to bad news, no best way existed.
“My dear girl!” Father crossed the room and embraced her with his one arm and held her close. “How I have missed seeing your smile.”
She forced one now as Father let her go, not wanting to disappoint, but it faltered at the edges and all too quickly the joy in his face slipped away, his brows dipping downward. “Maddie? What is it?”
The love and concern in his voice caused her lower lip to tremble. She pulled the recalcitrant lip in and held it with her teeth, taking a deep breath before releasing it and answering her father’s question.
“I’m afraid I have some unfortunate news, Father.”
“Oh dear,” Lady Rebecca said from her position on the sofa.
Mr. Bowen stepped forward, his face arranged in its usual serious manner. “Should we leave you alone then?”
Madalene shook her head. “No. What I must say will concern you as well, as you have the right to know and decide what you wish to do.” How she loathed that what had happened might taint the Bowens’ opinion of her, and by association, her father.
“Very well, then.” Mr. Bowen motioned toward the short sofa opposite him and his wife. Father led her over and sat down next to her, holding her hand. They had been through much together, and they would get through this as well, of that she had no doubt. But it grieved her to cause him pain, nonetheless.
“I’m afraid I have been involved in an incident that has caused a bit of a…scandal.” The last word stuck in her throat and she had to force it out.
“Maddie?” Father squeezed her hand.
She glanced down at where their hands were clasped and drew on his strength. “It is something of a long story, and I feel I should begin at the beginning so you understand what happened at the end. But it goes back several years, so please bear with me.”
Madalene drew in a long breath and wound the clock back to her time at Raven Manor. She told them of the friendship that had developed between her and Hawk and the kindness he had shown her. The unkindness shown to him by his family.
“I believe our friendship benefited him as much as it did me and though I knew it was unorthodox and beyond the bounds of propriety, I did not want to take it away from him. Some days it felt as if our time together was all he had. And other days, it was all I had.”
She continued on until she reached the fateful day that had changed everything. With halting words, she told the horrid tale of Phillip’s attack, sensing her father’s distress and wishing she could protect him from such. But she could not alter the truth, nor did she stop in the telling of it. If she did, she feared her ability to tell the tale would be forever lost.
“He saved me, you see,” she said of Hawk’s actions that night. “And for that, I beg you to forgive him for what he did both that night and for what came later.”
“Later? Is he involved in this scandal you speak of?” Mr. Bowen asked.
Madalene took a fortifying breath. She didn’t feel quite right revealing Hawk’s secrets, but she needed them to understand. Though hurt that he kept the letters from her and his recklessness that left her ruined, he had saved her from Phillip, and for that she would be forever grateful.
“Yes. But first I must have your promise you will not speak of how Lord Hawksmoor’s brother truly died.”
“Of course not,” her father said, sliding an arm around her shoulders and pulling her tight, as if he could keep her safe from something that had already happened. “If Lord Hawksmoor had not killed his brother then, I would surely do so now. He deserved nothing more than what he got. I hope the man rots in the deepest pits of hell. Beg your pardon, my lady.”
“Think nothing of it, Mr. Cosgrove. I echo those sentiments,” Lady Rebecca said, her silvery eyes burning with anger. How strange to find so many champions. How comforting. “Tell us, Miss Cosgrove, how does this tie into the scandal you speak of?”
Madalene told them of Hawk’s mission, to find the man Phillip claimed would come for her and finish what he had started. The guilt he carried for what his brother had done, and the need he had to protect her. Once she laid the foundation, she revealed the latest turn the story had taken: Hawk’s proposal.
“He proposed?” Lady Rebecca’s anger changed in a blink into wonder and…delight?
“Yes, but I declined.”
Lady Rebecca frowned. “You do not share his feelings? I had been so certain there was a spark between you during his stay here.”
Madalene blushed. Had it been so obvious? Had everyone seen it? “I cannot claim not to have feelings for Lord Hawksmoor, but it was not tender feelings that were the impetus behind his proposal.”
“Then what was?”
It was Mr. Bowen who answered his wife’s question. “He wished to protect you. He considers you to still be in danger.”
“Yes. I recently discovered that Phillip’s accomplice has been sending Lord Hawksmoor taunting letters, though I believe their impetus is to drive him mad and have little to do with a desire to cause me harm.”
Mr. Bowen’s brow dipped. “He received a letter while staying here. Was that—”
“Yes, from the mysterious Lord T,” Madalene said.
“But you do not wish to marry him?” Mr. Bowen tilted his head. “Why is that?”
“Oh heavens, Marcus!” Lady Rebecca swatted her husband’s arm. “Because she wishes to marry for love, not out of some misplaced sense of duty. And well she should want such.” She turned her attention to Madalene. “I take it he did not speak of love when he made this proposal?”
“He did not.”
“Tsk. Men.” She leaned back into the sofa and shot her husband a pointed look.
“What have I done?”
“If you will recall, husband dear, your own proposal to me was steeped in duty and honor and also had nothing at all to do with love.”
“I loved you dearly,” he corrected her, though looked a bit sheepish as he added, “I simply forgot to mention it. And perhaps Lord Hawksmoor did as well.”
Lady Rebecca straightened and looked across the narrow table between the sofas to Madalene. “Do you think this could be true? Men are not all that astute in knowing what we need to hear, after all.”
Her father took her hand once more and squeezed. “She does have a point, Maddie. I made a total mash of my proposal to your mother. I was so tongue-tied I believe I ended up comparing my love for her to that which a stallion feels toward his favorite filly. It’s a miracle she ever said yes.”
Madalene smiled but her heart remained heavy. “Lord Hawksmoor is rather single-minded in his quest to marry me. He wishes to protect me, nothing more. He has indicated such repeatedly and mentioned nothing else in his attempts to convince me to accept.”
I need you.
She shook the memory off. Need did not equal love.
“My dear,” Father said, pulling her away from her memories. “I see nothing in this that leads to scandal. I assume he proposed in private?”
“Yes. He pulled me aside at a party given by Mr. and Mrs. Dunhill. When I declined him, I returned to the party thinking that was the end of it. However, he had followed and then he—”
She stopped. Her face burned and her throat constricted. Could she say the words in front of Father? The Bowens? Heavens, even the memory of it made her blush! The touch of his lips upo
n hers and she had responded to him instantly despite all the reasons she shouldn’t have. Was it any wonder he thought there was a chance she would say yes? She loved him. That she could not deny. But she wanted his love in return, not his protection.
Mr. Bowen leaned forward, one dark eyebrow elevated. “What did Hawksmoor do?”
“He kissed me,” she whispered.
“Kissed you?” Father’s voice filled with anger.
Madalene nodded. “In front of everyone present.”
“I will kill him,” Mr. Bowen stated flatly.
“All due respect, sir,” Father answered. “But you will need to stand in line behind me.”
Madalene shook her head and gave both men a stern look. “Nobody is killing anyone. Please, do not hold it against him. He was desperate and his motives were honest even if his actions were somewhat reprehensible.” Now who felt the need to protect whom?
“Reprehensible? That is a gross understatement, my dear.” Father shook his head. “And I thought him a good man.”
“He is a good man,” she insisted. “Just misguided and reckless in his actions.”
Her father gave her a dubious look. “Where is he now? I should like to have a word with this good man.”
“London, I suppose, but Father, you must leave the matter alone. If you make a big to-do over this, it will only serve to fuel the scandal further. If left alone, I suspect the ton will soon forget and it will fade in the collective memory of society. After all, I am nobody to them. Please, I wish to put this episode behind me.”
If only saying the words would make it so. It wouldn’t, of course. All that had happened between them could never be boiled down to that one moment in time. Despite her claims, despite her anger at the way Hawk had kept the existence of the letters from her, had tried to force her into accepting his proposal, she could not forget that kiss. She could not forget the taste of his desperation to do whatever it took, nor her own to give whatever he needed, to see him at peace.
In the end, that was the worst of it. Loving him enough to want to give him everything, yet loving herself enough to know the cost would be too high. Neither of them would ever be truly happy with such an imbalance between them. Once she was safe and the threat of any reprisal from the elusive Lord T ended, Hawk would be strapped with the guilt of having coerced her into marriage with a man who did not truly love her, knowing he could never give her what she needed. And she would be saddled with the knowledge that he had married her out of duty, and not because he had wanted to.