by Angela L.
I suddenly felt so alone, yet I was mad at the same time.
I was mad that my mom couldn’t make it past my fifth birthday and the only memory I had of her is her rocking me in her chair. It saddened me even more that I couldn’t have that for the rest of my life.
I was mad that my dad never remembered my birthday or cared about how I was doing. I was mad that he left me with Raya.
I was mad at Alaric, at the universe, for bringing him into my life, for making me feel like my heart had sunk deeper than the Titanic and for ripping him away from me faster than a torn-off bandage. Because at the end of the day, I found myself needing him even more. I found myself loving him.
I loved him. I loved him so much, and it was just pathetic, because he was just a stranger who I barely even knew.
I was mad at myself for falling for him and, most of all, I was furious at myself for just…being me.
Sitting there with the curtains closed and the tears rolling, I wanted to run away from this, but unfortunately, you can’t run away from yourself. That was one demon I’d be stuck with for the rest of my life.
****
Benji didn’t show up to school today. Apparently, he called in sick, so I went over to drop off his homework.
Even though I rang the doorbell four times, no one answered, so I just walked in. His door wasn’t locked. I went over to his place too often; I knew the whole house like it was the back of my hand. He had two floors with the main bedrooms and bathroom on the second floor and the kitchen and living room on the first with an extra bedroom for guests, I guess.
“Benji? Hello?” I called out.
Silence.
Well, kind of. Benji’s dog, Roy, was barking loudly. From the kitchen window, I could see Roy trying to break free from the chain around his neck that was connected to the dog house, all for the attempt to catch a nearby squirrel that was running around the tree.
“Benji? Dude? Hello?” I called out a few more times. I went upstairs to his room, and along the way, I tripped over a rubber dog toy and almost fell down the stairs. I could see empty beer bottles in almost every trash can in his house.
“Hey,” I said and knocked on his door. I learned my lesson with knocking after I once accidently walked in on my dad and Raya having a moment together.
No one answered so I just assumed Benji (if he was even there) was decent. I saw a lump under the blue bed covers, and I could make out Benji’s stomach moving up and down from beneath the covers as he breathed heavily.
The curtains were closed and the room looked like it hadn’t been cleaned for months. But hey, it was Benji, after all. I once found a half-eaten hot dog under the bed that was beginning to grow mold on the buns.
The lump suddenly moved.
“Got your homework here, buddy,” I said and flopped the stack of paper onto his desk. I was trying to see where I should put it since there was no space to fit the paper, so I just decided to lay it on top of his pile of pens.
“You actually sick?” I said and threw a ball that was lying on his desk at him. It bounced once and rolled off against his back.
“Nah,” the lump said. Benji’s voice was cracked.
“You sure sound like you’re sick,” I said.
Benji turned around. He wasn’t sick. He was beaten up.
He had two black eyes, a bloody lip, and who knew how many other bruises were on his body. More than half of his face was bruised, reminding me of those punching bags that people with anger issues used to release their stress.
“Yeah. Not sick,” Benji said once he saw my horrified expression.
“Who did this?” I said. I sat in his chair.
“My dad. He got drunk again” was all that Benji said before he rolled onto his side again with his back facing me.
“Again?” I asked.
Benji nodded. “Wish I had your drunk dad. At least he didn’t turn into the Hulk.” Once he said it, he looked like he regretted it. After all, my drunk dad was dead. “Sorry.”
“It’s all right,” I said.
“You know you didn’t have to get me my homework, right? We both know I’m not going to do it.” He grinned. His mouth looked crooked, but then again, his whole face looked pretty messed up.
I laughed. “Yeah, I know.”
“I’m so hungry.” He bent over.
I went down to his kitchen. I realized there was nothing in his fridge. Literally nothing. I guess this explained why Benji had been eating at the grill and crashing at Jacob’s place for dinner these past few days.
“Nothing here,” I yelled. “I’m pretty hungry, too. I can phone up Donna at the grill and see if she can bring us anything.” I didn’t know if Benji was up for it. He didn’t seem like he wanted anybody to see him like this. I didn’t blame him. If my face was black and blue, I would never go outside, but he needed to eat.
“Sure, tell her to meet at the tree house,” he yelled back from upstairs, and within half an hour, the gang was together in a confined room with the smell of rich burgers in the air.
“I don’t get how you people can put ketchup on fries,” Jacob handed Donna the ketchup bottle. “You can’t taste the real flavors in the fries with all that ketchup.”
“Dude, it’s literally fried potato with salt. Not much flavor but potato and salt,” Donna said and grabbed the bottle from Noelle.
“Exactly. Potato and salt. Best combo, ever.” Jacob swallowed.
“Guys, you’re all eating it wrong. You got to put the fries in the burger,” Benji said and stuffed his burger in his mouth.
“I don’t get how you can stuff that whole thing in plus the fries inside. You just made the whole burger bigger and messier,” Noelle said. She had to wipe her mouth every time she took a bite since the burger was just so big.
“How’s your face?” Donna turned the attention to Benji and nudged him.
“Fantastic,” he said with two black eyes.
“That’s the spirit.” Donna patted him on the back.
“Ow,” Benji said and flicked her fingers away.
“Parents. They are a pain sometimes,” Donna said.
“Yeah, but hey, you just got to suck it up,” Noelle said. “They are our parents, after all. Pass me the ketchup again. Thanks.”
“Wow. How much ketchup do you people eat?” Jacob said. “Just keep it there. I don’t need it.”
“Give me some of those chocolate nut things.” Donna pointed at the container near Noelle.
“More?” Noelle asked as she held up the scoop.
Donna nodded.
Chapter Twenty-One
(November 7, 1992, in Missouri)
It was Noelle’s birthday. Technically, it was tomorrow, but we always celebrated it a day early or a day late because Noelle thought her birthday was bad luck. The superstition started in middle school. On her eleventh birthday, she broke her arm. On her twelfth birthday, she lost her pet hamster. On her thirteenth birthday, the teacher found out she cheated on her previous exam. And so on.
We were all gathered at the grill in our usual booth situated in the back corner. We sat there so often that the table’s bottom was filled with Benji’s chewed-up blueberry gum and you could see the dents on the seats made by Donna’s favorite black studded shorts.
“Wow. I’m seventeen.” Noelle sighed.
“Are you feeling old yet?” I joked.
“Sure.” Noelle chuckled. She sipped her soda before accidentally knocking it over, spilling the contents all over the table.
“Noelle!” Donna said and quickly grabbed tissues to clean it up. “I’m on my shift today. It would help if you didn’t create a bigger mess.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I’ll cover for your shift sometime,” said Noelle.
“Wait, you’re working here now?” I asked her.
“Yeah. I got the job just last week.”
“Since when did you care about working?” Jacob asked.
“Yeah. You do realize you’re known for being l
azy?” Benji snickered.
“I need the money, and my mom isn’t helping so I thought, why not?” Noelle said.
“Don’t we all need the money.” Benji sighed. “When I go broke, I just go to my dad’s wallet and try to take out enough scrap without him noticing.”
“Let’s not forget you’re rich, Mr. Spoiled,” Noelle said and rolled her eyes.
“We should do something special. You’re seventeen, which means only one more year until you’re legalized as an adult,” said Jacob.
“There’s got to be something you want to do,” I said and leaned against the counter.
“Guys, seriously. This is enough. Without you guys, I would have been spending today like any other of my birthdays. Alone,” Noelle said.
“Your mom?” Donna asked.
“Either in some scumbag’s bed or searching for a scumbag to get in her bed,” Noelle said.
“Parents,” I murmured.
“At least they gave birth to us,” Benji said.
“And the minute we had our first breath they screwed us over,” I said.
“Whatever, I love my parents,” Jacob said.
“We all love our parents at the end of the day, dude. But it’s clear that we got parents who should probably learn how to use a condom and read a book about ‘how to take care of baby,’” Donna said.
“Sure, I hardly see them, but they’re decent parents,” Jacob said. It was true, though. Out of all of us, he had the most normal childhood.
“Do they know you’re gay?” Donna asked.
I could see Benji’s expression stiffen when Donna mentioned Jacob being gay. He was still trying to get used to it, as it had only been two days since Jacob announced it.
I could still remember the shock on Benji and Donna’s faces when he told them. Of course, Noelle and I acted like we were surprised just to play along. Benji almost choked on his chips and Donna had to ask him if he was positive a dozen times. But in the end, Jacob was basically family, and we didn’t care if he was gay or not.
Jacob shook his head.
“Speaking of family…there is actually something I want to do,” Noelle said. We all stopped talking and looked at her.
The good part about our group was that if you did anything out of the ordinary, half of us wouldn’t question it. I didn’t know if it was because we were all stupid and crazy, or because we understand the issue, or because we were just looking for a bit of fun, but we were all in when someone comes up with a stupid idea that would most likely send half of us behind bars. I guess it was just our special bond.
Donna dropped her shift and we headed downtown. We didn’t know where we were going or what we were going to do; we just followed Noelle to wherever she was leading us. Jacob was the only one who asked what was going on, but Noelle just told him to shut up.
It was getting late, but the dim streetlamps were enough for us to see where we were going. We passed the school, passed Jacob’s place, until Noelle brought us to a stop at this nicely mowed lawn in front of a big house with dark green walls somewhere not far from the local laundry place. I should have known what she was going to do, and believe it or not, I was willing to do it even though I’d told her to think twice before.
“Guys, let’s tear this house down,” Noelle said, emotionless. She walked over to the bushes and picked up a few stones before handing each of us a rock.
“What? This house?” Jacob looked at her as if he thought she had gone crazy like a madman. “We’re literally standing on a random guy’s lawn, preparing to throw rocks at his windows. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?”
Even though all three of us were tight, Noelle never told Jacob about her habits, mainly because he would have given Noelle lectures if he found out they had put her behind bars. A bunch of his uncles had rotted and died in prison. So we’d never brought it up.
“Are you with me or not?” Noelle said.
“Let’s break the windows, then,” Benji said while rubbing his hands together, trying to keep warm. The night was colder than ever now that summer was gone. Even I felt chilly beneath my thick sweater and jeans.
“The night’s still young. I got all my friends here and I just need one more person,” Noelle said.
The rest of us looked at each other, shrugged, and just gave each other the why-the-heck-not look.
We went around the yard, searching through corners of dirt until we managed to create five piles of large rocks.
“Before we cause mass destruction that we’ll most likely regret later, let me just ask you this; what exactly did this guy do to you?” Jacob asked curiously.
“It’s a long story,” she said.
“Fine,” Jacob said, knowing not to pressure her into answering.
“Okay, on the count of three, we launch,” said Noelle, getting ready to throw. “One…two…three!”
Five rocks were launched, shattering the first window all at once, creating a piercing echo that washed over the quiet neighborhood. The glass showered all over the ground and if the windows had feelings, you could almost hear them weeping as they fell into pieces.
“Do we keep going?” Jacob asked. There were still three perfectly intact windows.
“Yep,” Noelle said and fiercely threw a large rock at the second window, which only created a small hole in it.
“Wow. You must really hate this guy,” Benji said.
“I don’t,” Noelle said with a emotionless expression, not bothering to explain anything further.
One rock was thrown so hard that it broke not only the glass but also the wooden cupboards inside the house that were on the other side of the wall. The pans and plates crashed down onto what looked like the kitchen floor. Another rock landed on a table, which probably left some nice gouges on the smooth surface.
It was amazing how the guy who lived here didn’t hear the entire racket because even the dog next door began to start barking.
We threw what seemed like fifty rocks in total. We continued to do this until all the windows were broken. In the end, the pieces of glass were all over the grass, bushes, and dirt. The dim light from the street lamps reflected onto the glass, making it look like the stars on the sky.
“Guys, in a few hours my birthday’s going to be over. This, by far, is the best birthday I have ever had,” Noelle said as she looked at us, smiling. “You guys know why? Because I got you idiots to spend it with.”
“Happy seventeen!” we yelled and all went in for a hug at the same time.
“When I ring the doorbell, I want you guys to scram, okay?” Noelle said.
We nodded and we did exactly that. After she rang the doorbell, Jacob and I ran into the nearby bushes and Benji took Donna behind a truck.
“Noelle!” I whispered loudly just enough so that she could hear me. I wanted her to pause at least and think before she did something worse, but it was already too late for that. She looked back to see if we were all hidden, and then turned around again. She was facing directly at the closed door.
“What is she doing?” Benji whispered to me.
“She’s being fearless,” I answered.
The door swung open and a man appeared with only a pair of shorts and a white T-shirt on. He cursed a few times when he saw what we did to his windows before a familiar woman appeared behind him. Noelle’s mom always looked young and pretty. Ageless even.
Noelle didn’t look like her at all, and I wasn’t not saying Noelle wasn’t pretty. It was just that her mom looked decent-pretty while Noelle looked scary-pretty.
“Wait, isn’t that her mom?” Benji whispered. “What’s going on?”
“Yeah. Shush,” I said. I wanted to hear what Noelle was saying.
“Happy birthday to me, Mom!” Noelle said with a grin on her face. I didn’t see the rock in her hands until she threw it into the house. I wondered what she broke because it sounded like something big shattered onto the ground.
Noelle walked away as her mother and the man looked at her, hor
rified and completely shocked.
“You hoe!” her mom yelled and threw a piece of rock she found on the ground in her direction. She had horrible aim. The rock landed twenty feet away from Noelle’s body.
“The irony!” Noelle said without looking back and flashed her mom the finger. “I love you, too!” I could already see her mom getting the phone out to call the cops.
When the rest of us escaped and caught up with Noelle, we were all laughing hysterically. I think half of us were still confused with exactly what had happened, but I knew why Noelle did what she made us do.
I looked back at the destroyed house as we walked away.
I could see the guy that was with her mother. He stood in front of the broken windows, almost in tears as he grabbed a piece of glass from the ground. The cops were probably going to get us for ruining the guy’s house; all of us were out of our minds, but we didn’t care. We were all together, totally wrecked, but we were fine.
The stars were shining brightly and the moon seemed to hover above us like a guardian angel, guiding our way into the lonely night. A sudden chill ran down my spine after a late autumn wind blew against my body, causing me to shiver.
For a moment, I had that certain urge to just scream out, “Screw you,” mainly because I couldn’t do it to Raya or else she would kick me out, but I held it in and just enjoyed the moment.
I guess this was why I admired Noelle. She had guts. She had the balls to spark a little flame and to cause destruction instead of being put down.
I looked at each and every one of us as we walked down the streets.
Jacob, who was very, very gay and still hadn’t come out of the closet yet with his parents.
Noelle, who had no dad and a dysfunctional mother.
Benji, who had gotten himself into more trouble than anyone and got beat up at home.
Donna, who was living paycheck to paycheck just to help support the rest of her family.
And me. No parents, just a stepmother with a new baby sister coming along the way.
We weren’t bad, just very screwed up. But in this world, wasn’t everybody a little screwed up?