“Is that where the PSTD came from?”
“Yeah, while I was in the hospital, I had a great counselor who got me through that.”
“How did you get to forgiveness?”
“This was the woman who gave me Becca and Sarah. Also, she wasn’t in her right mind. I always separated her into two women. There was Mom and Junkie Mom.”
“Didn’t Barry help with raising Becca and Sarah, or was he too high as well?”
“After I got out of the hospital, they cleaned up their act. I think that the whole thing with my fall and Barry’s beating and the cops really shook them both. That lasted for five years. Then they both fell off the wagon. The girls were five, and I was nineteen. I contacted child protective services and petitioned for guardianship. By then, I had a full-time job working as a waitress. With food stamps and other government services, I could care for them, so I was granted guardianship.
“That’s the real pain.” Josie whispered.
“Because of all the sacrifice? Because you had to put your own life on hold?” he asked.
Josie laughed joyously. “No, having Becca and Sarah come live with me is the best thing I ever did. It was betraying Mom like I did that still tears me up inside.”
“Baby, she betrayed you!” He lifted her chin, and wiped the tears from her face with the edge of his shirt.
Josie’s chin trembled, and a sob broke out. “She came to visit me at the restaurant where I worked. She begged me to send the girls back to her. It was when they were seven. She said that they were the only hope she had of getting and staying clean. She was clean, Sam, but I couldn’t trust her.” Josie choked on another sob. Sam had to fight his own tears, knowing that Josie had been too young to be forced to make such harsh decisions. “She said she would fail and die if I didn’t give the girls back to her. I told her that I couldn’t, that their welfare came first, and if she really loved them, she would see that, but she kept begging me. The owner of the restaurant finally had to escort her out.” Josie was sobbing. Even after she finally quieted, she didn’t continue.
“Finish it, love.”
“I got a call two months later. I had to go and identify her body. She’d been found in an alley. She had OD’d. I killed her, Sam.” She wasn’t sobbing like she had been before. She seemed resigned to her self-conviction. Sam watched as tear after tear dripped down her face.
“You didn’t. I promise.” There was that phrase again.
“You don’t understand, Sam. I did what I had to do. I did kill her. And I would do it again. It took me a lot of years to learn to live with this and make my peace with it. But I did the right thing. All I have to do is look at Sarah and Becca to know I did the right thing. Sam, I did the only thing I could in a really bad situation. That’s how I can promise you it’s going to be all right.” Then this magnificent, strong, and beautiful woman cupped his cheek and leaned up to kiss him with tear-slicked lips, and he drank her in.
“It was different for me.” Sam started. He could see it clearly in his head. “I was in charge. It was my job to make sure we all came home alive.”
Josie rested her head against his heart, not saying a word, just snuggling closer, so that she could listen. “We were on a road we had driven countless times, but we were cautious. Just because we had done it before, didn’t mean it wasn’t dangerous. We were behind another Humvee, and we watched as it hit an IED that had been planted overnight. It was a big one. The truck flew up almost a foot, and we knew the troops inside were going to be in bad shape, if they weren’t dead.” Sam could see it clearly in his mind’s eye. The three men and one woman in that vehicle had been under his command. He had been driving the second vehicle. He slammed on the brakes, and told the others to stay put. Then he went to see if there were any survivors.
Sam had told them to stay in the vehicle for a reason. It was obviously an ambush. If there was an IED, there were going to be snipers. The others stayed back to cover him, as he ran a zigzag pattern to get to the injured rig.
It always amazed Sam just how much blood could come out of the human body. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. Mac and Rhonda were gone, but Leroy and Nathan were still alive. Nathan was conscious.
“I’m trapped, Sam!” Nathan was yelling, as he was obviously temporarily deafened from the explosion. Sam checked out what his friend was saying, and saw that the front seat had his friend pinned against the interior of the Humvee. When he tried to pull the top seat away from the wall of the vehicle, the bottom pressed into Nathan’s injured legs, causing him to groan in pain.
“Stop!” Nathan yelled. “Go see about Leroy.”
Sam moved back and when he started to pull Leroy out, he screamed. He had a bad head wound. It was a wonder that he was even conscious. No wonder he was screaming in pain. If they didn’t get him to a MASH unit quick, he wasn’t going to make it.
“You have to take him, man. Getting me out is a two-man job,” Nathan gasped. Sam gave a sharp nod.
“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.” Sam watched his friend since boot camp flip him the bird, as he dragged Leroy out of the destroyed Humvee. The first sniper bullet rang out as he hefted Leroy over his shoulders. He pushed the radio mic on his shoulder. “Phil, cover me, I’m coming back. Dan, find a crowbar. We’re going to need it to pull out Nathan.” With that, Sam started the zigzag pattern back to his Humvee, praying that Leroy would make it, and that they would be able to get Nathan out of the damaged vehicle.
Almost to the rig, Dan darted out in front of him, with a crowbar in his hand. Sam sped up. He ran around the back side of the Humvee and dumped Leroy into the backseat, ignoring his screams of pain.
“Phil, do you have a bead on them?” Sam yelled, wanting to know about the snipers positions.
“Lieutenant, they keep moving position. I think there are three of them, on the roof across the plaza.” Sam looked up, and then ducked as a bullet whizzed by his head.
“Ah, fuck!” Phil yelled.
Sam turned to see what had so upset Phil. Looking over, Sam saw that Dan was lying in the dirt. Half of his head was missing.
Another bullet pinged the windshield of Sam’s Humvee.
“I got him!” Bret called out, referring to one of the snipers. Now they were down to just two snipers shooting. Sam decided that he’d try to get back to Nathan. When he turned to tell Arnold, the man grabbed his arm.
“Look!” Arnold pointed to the wreck, and Sam saw men dragging Nathan out of the ruined Humvee, while surrounded by four more insurgents.
“Ah, Jesus, he’s still alive,” Phil groaned. It was every soldier’s worst nightmare. Sam couldn’t believe how badly this day had turned out. The last two soldiers who had been caught in this village had been held and tortured for days, before being filmed giving a confession that they were American spies intent on killing Afghan women and children. They were then beheaded on camera, for the soldier’s families to see back home in the States.
“Bret, keep trying to take out those goddamn snipers. Arnold and Phil, the three of us will try for the men holding Nathan,” Sam ordered.
As Bret kept shooting, the two insurgents who weren’t holding Nathan knelt down, pulled out automatic rifles, and started firing at them. Sam watched in horror as Arnold was hit in the shoulder.
“I’m fine,” Arnold yelled. But Sam knew he wasn’t. Phil read Sam’s intention to retreat, and he begged him to keep trying.
“We’ve got to save Nathan. Lieutenant, Arnold is fine.”
Maybe, but Leroy wasn’t. Sam had to get them out of there! He took one more look at Nathan as the insurgents dragged him away, trying to think of another solution.
“We can’t leave him!” Phil protested.
“I’m in command, Marine,” Sam clipped out. “Get your ass into the backseat, Bret, you’re driving.” Sam looked out across the plaza one last time, Nathan and the insurgents were gone, leaving only the snipers behind.
“Let’s get out of here,” Sam ro
ared. Bret dove into the driver’s seat, hauling Arnold with him. As Sam was getting into the backseat with Phil he heard another bullet whine by his head. He remembered thinking that it was another close call, right before he passed out.
“Josie, a month later they told me that Nathan had been tortured and killed. They found his body a week later. At least he hadn’t been forced to make one of those videotapes.”
“Sam, you did the only thing you could do.”
“Baby, you don’t get it. Unlike you, I didn’t do the only thing in a bad situation. I could have made different decisions. Leroy didn’t live.”
“You’re right, you could have made a different decision, but you don’t know how it would have turned out. It could have turned out better. Nathan, Dan, or maybe Leroy could be sitting with us today, or I could be sitting her alone. My situation was black and white, yours was gray, and you can’t beat yourself up for making a decision that could have gone ten different ways. It was war.” She paused, and he could tell she was thinking of the right way to say something.
“You don’t think you deserve anything good, because you don’t think you deserve to be here, right?” He couldn’t meet her eyes. She eased off his lap.
“I love you, Sam. But I can’t love you enough for both of us. Let alone for something as complicated as what the three of us are considering. But I do have a question for you. If you’d been able to extract Nathan successfully, would you want him to think he didn’t deserve to be here?” She let her hand drift through his hair as she walked away. He continued to sit on the pier and finished drinking his beer, watching the sunset, giving thought to what she had said.
A couple of hours later, Sam wandered back into the house. He made himself a sandwich and found Chance in his office.
“Did you take Josie home?” Sam queried.
“Yep.”
“How was she?”
Chance looked up from his computer. “Worried about you. We both are.”
Sam pulled up the office chair. “She’s pretty remarkable. I know you probably had her background checked before she came out here.” Sam watched Chance, and saw that tiny little flutter of his eyelashes, which always told him when he had hit a nerve. “So you know about her mom?”
“Yeah, she had it pretty rough growing up.” Chance tacitly admitted to having Josie investigated.
“I want to tell you what she shared with me.” Sam told Chance Josie’s story. He wasn’t surprised to see his friend’s sorrow and anger, and finally his pride.
“You know I love her,” Chance admitted softly.
“Fuck, dude, I knew that as soon as you started having the master suite built. That’s sure as hell not just lust.” Sam took the last bite of his sandwich.
“How about you? Do you love her?” Chance asked.
“It’s more complicated than that. I’m damaged goods. You guys are good together, you two make sense, but I don’t see where I’m bringing anything good to this situation.”
“That wasn’t the question, Sam.”
“Of course I love her,” he bit out. “I’m just not convinced I’m the right man for her.”
“Then let’s just take this one day at a time. I think she really needs both of us. But let’s just see what tomorrow brings, okay?” Sam wanted to argue, but Chance had that look, that “What the hell let’s give it a try” look that had gotten Sam into trouble countless times throughout his teens.
“Okay, we’ll just take it day by day. But if I see that I’m hurting Josie, I’m backing out.”
“Hell, if you’re hurting Josie, I’m kicking you out,” Chance assured him. Sam nodded, satisfied.
Chapter 14
“This guacamole is to die for,” Kara said as she scooped another spoonful into her flour tortilla and rolled it up. Karen and Josie watched in wonder as the statuesque blonde ate her fourth burrito. This was after having eaten a plate of steak fajitas.
“Are you pregnant?” Karen asked. Josie watched as Kara choked on her mouthful of food, and then took a large swallow of her margarita.
“What? What in the hell made you ask that question?” Kara demanded as she dumped the rest of the food down on her plate and glared at her friend. Josie had been having a really good time on her girl’s night out. She had hired a newly graduated Fate Harbor boy who had just gotten his degree in restaurant management. He wanted to spend the first year out of college staying with his parents, before looking for a job in one of the big cities, so he was a perfect fit. As a result she, Kara, and Karen had one of Kara’s brothers drop them off at the ferry at Fate Harbor, so they could come to this Mexican Restaurant near the ferry stop in Snoqualt. They knew there was going to be a lot of drinking involved in tonight’s festivities, so no driving was allowed.
But as the night wore on, it became clear that something was bothering Kara, and Karen had had enough.
“I’ll tell you why I’m asking that question. You’ve been a moody bitch for two months, and you’ve probably gained fifteen pounds. So, are you pregnant?”
“Jesus, Karen, how could you even ask me that? Do you think I’d be drinking if I was pregnant?” Josie saw how hurt and offended Kara was, and immediately stepped in to try to smooth things over.
“Oh, sweetie, she doesn’t mean it. I think that’s Karen’s blockheaded way of asking what’s wrong.” Josie scooted her chair closer to Kara, put her arm around her, and glared at the smaller blonde who was now looking ashamed.
Karen reached over and grabbed Kara’s hand. “I’m sorry, Kara. I don’t know why I said that. It’s probably just sour grapes,” she admitted. Josie and Kara both stared at her and waited. “The guys and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last five months, and it hasn’t happened for us, and…” Karen’s voice trailed off. Both Kara and Josie looked over at Karen and immediately scooted their chairs around the table, so that they could surround her in hugs. Karen waved them away. “Stop. That wasn’t the reason for tonight’s gathering. We’re here to dish the dirt on Josie’s perverted love life.” Karen gave a devilish giggle.
Josie looked between the faces of her two friends, and realized that both of them were in pain. She might not know what was going on with Kara, but there was something. The least she could do would be to tell them what was going on between her, Sam, and Chance. What’s more, she desperately needed to confide in someone—she needed advice.
“Are you sure you want to talk about me?” Josie asked tentatively.
“Yes,” they both said simultaneously. They exchanged surprised glances and laughed.
“Well, okay, then, because Chance and Sam are driving me absolutely crazy!”
“Of course they are, they’re men,” Karen exclaimed. “Let me guess, Chance is driving you crazy, and you want to kick Sam’s ass.” Josie’s eyes widened at Karen’s accuracy.
“How’d you know?”
“I’ve known those two for a couple of years now, and Chance reminds me a lot of Jace. They both could sell ice to Eskimos.”
“Inuits,” Kara corrected.
“Huh?” Josie looked over at Kara.
“The correct term for the Native Americans of Alaska are Inuits,” Kara stated. “Anyway, their of the Tligit people.”
“Oh, you have it bad,” Karen groaned.
“What are you talking about?” Josie asked Karen. Obviously, the margaritas had gone to her head, because keeping up with the conversation was giving her whiplash.
“Kara is in lust or love or deep like with two hot Native Americans or Inuits from Alaska. Their names are Ben and Quinn Shotbrook. I thought they were moving down here?” Karen questioned Kara.
“Look, I really can’t talk about it okay? Suffice it to say, a woman can only be told she’s not wanted so many times before she knows it’s true.”
“Kara, is that the reason for the serial dating? You’ve been on more dates than one of those dating shows.”
“Karen, I’m begging you, please just drop it.” Kara motioned the waitre
ss for another round of margaritas. “You were telling Josie how Jace and Chance were alike.”
“Oh, yeah. Chance and Jace are both manipulative, and are always trying to get us to do what they want. Therefore they drive us crazy. And since I always want to kick Dale’s ass, it only stands to reason that you want to kick Sam’s ass.”
Josie smiled. “Well, that’s definitely true about Chance. He bought me a whole wardrobe, so I would stay at their house.”
“Really?” Kara said in awe, her new margarita forgotten. “Did he get the sizes correct?”
“He got everything correct. I love it all. He even had a part of the house renovated so that there is this big master suite for the three of us.” Josie plopped her head on the table, and bounced it three times. The other girls laughed. When she looked back at them, she laughed as well.
“How do you say no to something like that?” Josie asked, clearly bewildered.
“It’s easy if you don’t love them,” Karen said.
“How can I not love Sam and Chance? They’re Sam and Chance. They are the best men I’ve ever met, and they make me feel so special, like I matter…” Josie trailed off.
“They make you feel loved,” Kara said wistfully.
“They make me feel loved. I never thought that would happen for me,” Josie said softly.
Kara and Karen both raised their glasses. “Welcome to Fate Harbor and the wonderful world of polyamorous relationships.”
Josie slowly picked up her glass and clicked it with the other women, realizing that there were more ramifications to her lifestyle choice than she had originally considered. If she was serious about this, and it seemed she was, she was going to have to have a serious talk with her sisters.
* * * *
“Let us in, Josie. We’re just going to stand here on your porch all night, if necessary.” Josie sat on her couch and hugged her pillow harder. The sound of Chance’s voice hurt. He sounded so comforting, and she just needed a hug, but not right now. First, she had to get her head together. She wasn’t ready to face them. She’d be ready tomorrow. Tomorrow would be much better. She just needed a little more time.
Trusting Chance [Fate Harbor] (Siren Publishing Ménage Amour) Page 15