But I thought of the way he’d moved straight for me when he entered the room, the way he’d pulled me into his arms, urgency evident in every line of his body.
He’d been turning to me for comfort. Somewhere, in the recesses of my memory, Ella’s voice echoed.
Dylan doesn’t lean on anyone, ever. Drives me nuts.
He was here now. I could let him lean on me.
“Dylan.” Hesitantly, I laid my hand flat on his cheek. His stare darted to mine, wary and hot at the same time.
Tilting my head up, I moved until my lips just barely grazed his own.
I heard his harsh intake of breath, sensed rather than felt his body tense.
I pulled back, looked down at where he was watching me with something akin to awe. In that moment I felt powerful in a way I never had before.
It only took the smallest movement of my head to bring my lips down on his again. He held perfectly still as I slid my mouth over his.
I wanted him to move, to kiss me back. Wanted him to forget about what was weighing on his mind.
Keeping my lips on his, I slid my hands between our bodies, inching my fingers down the hardness of his chest.
His breath stuttered against my lips as I gathered the hem of his T-shirt. He was tensed like an arrow in a quiver, and I knew he was holding back.
Waiting for me to make sure I knew what I was doing.
Holding my breath, I eased out of the kiss, then pulled his shirt up. When I got it up to shoulders his hands intercepted my own, tugging the shirt the rest of the way up and over his head.
“Wow.” I breathed out on a half laugh as I placed my hands on Dylan’s shoulders, tracing the hard lines that I had seen but not had much chance to touch.
“Kaylee.” Dylan’s voice was a strangled plea as my hands slid between his pectoral muscles, then down to dance over the flat planes of his abdomen.
I didn’t respond with words, instead communicating with my questing fingers, which never stopped moving. I slid them over his stomach, back up his sides, then down again to his hips.
My eyes on his, I slowly, slowly slid a finger beneath the waistband of his jeans. His eyes went dark, the color of a forest, and a surge of need rolled over me in a slow wave.
I gasped when, his moves slow but so sure that I was taken by surprise, he took me by the waist and lowered me to the bed.
“I want to lose myself in you.” His voice was tight with need. “Will you let me be in control?”
My heart stuttered in my chest. I knew what he was asking.
I’d had sex before. I liked sex, and I wasn’t ashamed to enjoy it.
But Dylan was... different. It meant more, with him.
I didn’t know if I was ready for it.
My body tensed under Dylan’s hard, poised frame. I opened my mouth to tell him that I wasn’t ready to go all the way.
“I won’t do more than you want me to.” His biceps flexed as he braced himself above me.
I wanted to do everything. But this was a situation in which past Kaylee was going to have to be the boss.
I nuzzled my face into the space between his neck and shoulder, inhaling the smell of him, trying to burn the scent into my mind.
Then his lips were on mine again, consuming, devouring. I gave myself over to sensation as his lips travelled over my cheeks, my jaw, my neck, my shoulder.
His lips were dry and warm, leaving sparks in their wake.
When his hand slipped up to cover my breast over my bra, I moaned and arched into the touch. When he pulled the cup of my bra down so that the plump mound was naked to his eyes, to his touch, I couldn’t stop the shivers that skated over my skin.
“You taste so good. So sweet.” He murmured into my hair. His fingers caught the elastic that held my hair back, loosening the curls so that he could comb his fingers through it.
I began to pant when he rolled his fingers over my nipple. I writhed beneath him, wanting something, anything.
I’d never felt like this before. Never been so consumed with need.
He could have done anything he wanted, and I would probably have been happy about it.
“I need—” I rocked my hips up against his. I could feel the evidence of what he wanted, pressing into the softness of my belly.
“Let me.” Bracing himself on one arm, Dylan moved his hand from my breast. He danced his fingers over my ribs, my stomach, then lower.
“Okay?” He watched me intently as, slowly, he moved his fingers to the heated space between my legs.
“Yes. But... just there.” I nodded, a frantic noise escaping my mouth.
“I heard you the first time.” Slowly, paying incredible attention, he rubbed his fingers over the denim of my jeans. The sensation was drugging, and my head fell back in surrender.
“Yes.” Dylan’s voice was hoarse as he watched me from beneath heavy lids. “Yes. I want you to let go.”
I shuddered, my pulse kicking into high gear. My breath caught as the sensations washed over me.
I cried out, arching against his taut frame. And all I could see as I fell over the edge were those eyes, green ringed with hazel.
Eyes that saw nothing but me.
***
I was a bit embarrassed by the depth of my reaction. Turning to the side, I tried to look away, to gather my thoughts.
Slowly, Dylan lowered himself down beside me. He caught my chin so that I couldn’t look away.
“Thank you,” he said, the words scratchy. I felt like I should chuckle, should make some quip about how I should be thanking him.
I didn’t want to lessen the meaning of his words. He’d let me give him something, and I was humbled.
“Let me...” My eyes on his, I reached for the button at the waist of his jeans. His skin was tacky with perspiration, and my fingers caught and pulled.
He closed his eyes, let me run my fingers beneath his waistband. Then, with a great groan, he clasped me around the wrist and pulled my hand away.
“This is perfect. Just like this.” He ran a hand down my arm, leaving chill bumps in the wake of his touch.
The way he looked at me—I loved it. And it scared the hell out of me. I felt naked, exposed.
I was closer to him in that moment than I’d ever been to anyone in my life... and that included my twin.
It didn’t sit well. No matter how beautiful what we had just shared was, panic made its presence known. Like sugar left too long in the pan, it changed from smooth caramel to scattered, hard grains, skittering over my skin.
I felt closer to him than I ever had to Ella. Ella, the person I’d shared a freaking womb with.
What kind of a person did that make me? And at the same time, how could I just run, just bolt, after what he’d told me about his week?
Tentatively, I ran my hand over the solid stretch of his bicep. His tattoo peeked out from between my spread fingers, and somehow the design emphasized the flaws in my ruined nail polish.
“Jax is having a party tonight.” I kept my tone light. “We should go.”
“He’ll have another party, another day. Tomorrow, if we ask him to.” Dylan’s voice was lazy, content. He adjusted us so that I was cradled in the crook of his elbow.
“Isn’t Nick coming home? With his girlfriend?” I insisted. I tried to keep my body from stiffening, but knew that Dylan had noticed my unease. “Shouldn’t you go?” I almost said ‘we’, but it sounded too much like we were a couple.
“I’d rather stay here, with you, honestly. It’s been a long week away.” Propping himself up on his elbow, he looked down at me. I squirmed and tried not to look away.
“Kaylee, what’s up?” He suddenly sounded concerned. “Shit, I’m sorry. I went too far. Fuck.”
“No!” I sat bolt upright. I couldn’t let him think that. “No. I loved... what we just did. Really.” I managed a tense smile.
“Then what’s going on? Why are you so intent on getting out of here?”
Because if I stay here I’ll
fall in love with you! I wanted to scream at him. Instead I shrugged, pulling my sister’s nonchalance around me like a cloak.
“You know. I just can’t resist a good party.”
“Don’t.” Dylan spoke sharply, irritation making his features sharp.
“Don’t what?” I tried to appear innocent, but my heart sank. He’d seen right through me.
Why was I even doing this?
“Don’t try to be like Ella.” Something dark coated his words. That darkness poked at my anger.
Damn it, I was sick of people trying to tell me who and what I should be. Sure, it was weird that, for all intents and purposes, I’d once let my dead sister swallow my own personality. But I’d done what I had to do to survive, to keep on plodding along.
And I wasn’t unhappy with the traits that had lingered. I was me, I was Kaylee. And no one was going to tell me anything different.
“Isn’t that what you want?” I finally snapped. “Ella was the one you always wanted. I don’t even know why you asked me out that night. It would have been better for everyone if you hadn’t.”
I hadn’t realized until that moment just how mad I was at him. I’d given in and eaten the forbidden fruit, sure.
But he was the serpent in the garden who’d provided it.
I expected him to be angry, to yell, to leave. Instead a strange look crossed over his face. He huffed out a breath, raking his fingers through hair that was messed from my fingers.
“Is that really what you think?” His voice seemed extra quiet, since I’d expected him to yell.
I hesitated; I’d always been so sure about this very thing, but right now, with that look on his face, I suddenly wasn’t so sure.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” I asked. Awkwardly I adjusted my bra, then sat back on my heels. “I mean... you never really paid me any attention. Not until the end. And then it was too late.”
Dylan was silent for a long moment. Absentmindedly, he reached out and traced a finger over a tear in the knee of my jeans.
“I never wanted Ella that way. Never.”
I furrowed my brow. He sounded like he was telling the truth, but...
God, they’d been so close. They’d done everything together. I’d always assumed that that had expanded to some kind of romance.
“The only reason I started hanging out with her in the first place was to get close to you.” His voice was wry, quiet, but the words were powerful enough to have my jaw dropping.
“No way.” I didn’t buy it. “The two of you were more like twins than she and I were. You did everything together. You were perfect for one another.”
“No.” Dylan shook his head to emphasize his point. “Don’t get me wrong; I was happy to find a friend in Ella. And I loved her, the way you love a friend.”
My breath caught in my throat. Oh God, I wanted to hear these words so badly. It seemed like I’d been waiting forever.
“But Ella and I were way too much alike to ever have worked that way. She knew it, and I knew it.” He smiled, one side of his mouth curling up higher than the other. “I did kiss her once.”
Jealousy was a whip landing a blow on my belly. I must have looked stricken, because he hastened to continue.
“I did it because I didn’t think I was ever going to have you. This, uh, this sounds kind of sick. But... you guys looked a lot alike. And Ella and I got along well enough. One night after a few beers I gave it a shot.”
“And?” If he told me that they’d slept together, I was going to be sick.
“And it was hard to kiss when neither of us could stop laughing.” He grinned, and relief washed over me.
I wouldn’t begrudge him the memory.
“You said you were friends with Ella because of me.” I whispered. I almost felt like my twin was looking over my shoulder, listening to our conversation. “Why?”
The look Dylan cast my way was incredulous.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” The finger rubbing over my knee lifted to trace over my cheekbone.
“You represented everything I wanted to be.”
My lips parted with disbelief.
“Dylan, I’m...” I trailed off, not sure how to phrase the thoughts that were tumbling through my mind.
What he had just said had floored me. And he was looking at me with such raw openness in his eyes...
I had to make him understand.
“Dylan, I’m not that girl anymore.” I said carefully, and a shadow darkened his face. I felt my stomach roll over with nausea. “I... I can’t change back, just for you.”
The shadows from his face dissipated, leaving it carefully blank. I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my temples as he sat up and reached for his T-shirt.
“I’ve never asked you to be anything other than who you are. You, Kaylee, here and now.” He cast me a measured look as he stood.
“I’m going home to grab a shower. I’ll see you at the party. Since you’re so different now, I’m sure you wouldn’t dare to miss it.”
Chapter Nine
The bottle of beer was icy cold in my hands. I rolled it back and forth, watching as my fingers left marks in the condensation that beaded on the amber colored glass.
“Why so sad, Kaylee Ann?” From the corner of my eye I watched as Jax hiked himself up to sit beside me. My legs dangled from workbench that had been cleared to provide extra seating; Jax was tall enough that his heavy boots brushed the floor even from a seated position.
“I’m not sad. I’m sulking.” Pursing my lips, I took a long swig from my bottle, then wrinkled my nose. Beer was never my beverage of choice, but I sure seemed to be drinking a lot of it now that I was in Fish Lake.
“Isn’t it the same thing?” Jax nudged my sneakered foot with his booted one.
“Nope.” I tried to smile, but Dylan’s parting words were still echoing through my head.
Why was I trying so hard to assure everyone that this was me now? Did it really matter?
Not really, at least not according to Dylan.
I’d been watching him surreptitiously all night. Apart from a nod in greeting when he’d come in, damp from his shower and so beautiful that he made my eyes water, he hadn’t acknowledged me even once.
“Well?” Jax followed my stare out to the crowd of people. Some were dancing, most were drinking, all seemed to be having a good time.
All, except for Dylan and I.
“Can’t you guess?” I curved my lips into a wry smile, looking up at Jax. “God, why couldn’t I have just fallen for you? Life would have been so much simpler.”
Jax snorted into his beer, wiping foam from his lips as he laughed. “Oh, honey, I guarantee it wouldn’t be any easier. I’m not your type.” He looked out at the herd of people too, and I thought, though I couldn’t have been sure, that his gazed lingered on Nick and his new girlfriend.
“What is your type?” I asked, curious. There had been rumors about Jax and this girl or that in our teens, but I’d been a couple of years younger and hadn’t paid much attention. Still, I couldn’t remember him ever having a steady girlfriend.
Jax looked at me, eyebrows raised, looking like he was about to tell me to mind my own business. Then he shrugged and took a swig of his beer.
“Men,” he said finally, as simply as if he was saying that he liked oranges better than apples. “Men are my type.”
“Oh.” I blinked into my bottle of beer. I wasn’t entirely surprised—the idea had been percolating in the back of my mind ever since I had seen him gently rebuff the flirtations of the gorgeous Maddy.
But still, I wasn’t entirely sure what to say. So I went with what was on the tip of my tongue.
“Man. I thought I had problems.” I sucked in my breath as soon as I’d said it, but Jax guffawed instead of being offended.
“I don’t have problems, Kaylee girl.” Taking my empty beer bottle from my fingers, he tossed it towards the bin of empties that was dangerously close to overflowing. Sliding down from t
he workbench, he clasped me around the waist and lifted me down, too.
“My closest friends all know, and I came to terms with it years ago. Now all I have to do is find that special person and hold on.” Nodding with a crooked smile, Jax waded off through the people, his stride aiming for Nick.
I was left standing alone on the concrete, my brow furrowed as I turned Jax’s words over in my head.
Find that special person and hold on.
My feet were moving before I could stop to over think it. I pushed through the people, some of whom I knew, more that I didn’t. More than one mutter of “crazy bitch’ reached my ears, but I ignored them.
Dylan was standing at the edge of the shop, one hand stuffed in the pocket of his jeans, the other wrapped around a can of Budweiser. A girl who face poked vaguely at my memory was standing next to him in full flirt mode, her tanned breasts and taut abdomen displayed by her teeny blue tube top.
She glared at me as I halted right in front of the two of them. I scowled right back. I was a couple of years older than she was, if memory served, and I’d undoubtedly gone through a hell of a lot more shit in life. She wasn’t going to win a show down with me, but she was welcome to try.
“I’ll find you later,” the girl pouted at Dylan in what she probably thought was a seductive manner, pushing her chest out and simpering a little. I threw up a little in my mouth, not literally of course.
But even as she slinked away, waggling her butt, I wanted to shake her. No matter how much I’d changed, how much of a flirt I was now, I’d always maintained that confidence was the sexiest thing a girl could have.
I might have struggled with my own rule, but I tried.
Turning back to Dylan, I raised an eyebrow at him, my heart hammering.
He smirked.
“Can we talk?” I was going to say what I wanted to, whether he agreed or not, and so I was already starting when he nodded.
“Look. You don’t like that I’m not the same person I used to be, that I’m more like Ella now. I don’t like that you judge me for it.” My words came out in a rush. His eyes narrowed, a muscle in his jaw clenching, but he nodded.
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