I paused, trying to clear a path to the truth in my mind, hidden as it was in emotion.
“I think he actually cares about me. Me, not me as Ella.” I remembered, for the millionth time, the way he’d come to me that afternoon when he needed comfort.
But I still couldn’t forget the way he’d looked at me three years ago. A feeling that strong couldn’t just disappear, and I said so.
Mom sniffed, then tangled her fingers in my own again. “He might have been mad, Kaylee, but I doubt it was at you. He was probably mad at himself, at me and your dad, at Ella’s other friends. At Ella. You were just the one who was there. And if he hasn’t figured out by now the truth of it all, then he’s an idiot.”
Surprised, I barked out a laugh, then tentatively squeezed my mom’s fingers in return. She smiled, almost shyly, and I was both bemused and astounded.
“When did you get so wise?” I asked, tongue in cheek. The entire situation was surreal—if someone had told me even a month ago that I would soon be having a talk like this with my mother, I would have had some bitter comment in retort.
Mom smiled at me sadly. “If it took this long for me to be wise, I’m kind of a sucky mom.”
“No.” The word was out of my mouth before I could even think. I took my time with my next words, thinking them through before speaking.
“You know what? I’m happy I came home.”
Chapter Eleven
Joel knocked on the door at seven the next morning. I heard the sound through the window I’d left open in hopes that Dylan would again find his way up the apple tree.
I was disappointed but not surprised that he didn’t.
“I came to say goodbye.” Joel said without preamble when I opened the door. My entire body clenched with anxiety.
“Not goodbye forever though, right?” I sounded sad, and I was. Joel was one of the most important people in the world to me. I would always regret not being able to give him everything.
But as I watched him rub hands over eyes that were shadowed, I knew I’d done the right thing. I’d caused him enough grief.
And if he wanted to say goodbye permanently, well, I owed it to him not to cling. No matter how much it would hurt to lose him as a friend.
When he finally spoke, he sounded weary, but the anger from the night before was gone.
“No, not forever,” he agreed, and the heart that had sunk began to float back up. “But we can’t talk for a while. We need that break, like you said.”
I nodded, my fingers toying with the hem of my pajama top.
“Last night... it was kind of a wakeup call for me.” He frowned at me, and I had to try hard not to look at the floor.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and meant it with all my heart. “I handled that poorly.”
“So did I,” he admitted, causing me to look at him. “I had no right to barge into that party and get mad at you because you were with another guy. I didn’t even have the right to be here, not after you’d told me we were done.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, Joel.” My voice sounded small. “I care about you more than you’ll probably ever know. But... we’re just not right for one another. How many times have we broken up and gotten back together in the last two years? Seven? Normal couples don’t do that.”
To my surprise he laughed, though the sound was hollow.
“No, they don’t,” he agreed, and I felt a measure of relief. “And after I get over the hurt of losing you, I’ll probably understand that better.”
We were silent for a moment, and I was unsettled by the depth of what I was feeling. I wasn’t in love with Joel, but we’d had a long journey.
It hurt to let him go.
“When do you leave?” I asked quietly.
“I’m heading to the airport now.” Taking off the baseball cap that partially shielded his face, he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked as sad as I felt.
“Can I hug you?” I asked, the back of my throat clogging with tears. I hated crying, but these tears were warranted.
“Of course.” Joel opened his arms and I folded myself into them, inhaling the familiar scent of his laundry detergent. A thin track of hot tears burnt a path down my cheeks, but even with the pain I felt relief.
Being in Joel’s arms didn’t feel the same as when I was with Dylan. Even if Dylan and I never got our shit together, at least Joel and I were no longer chasing something that wasn’t meant to be.
Released from the hug, eyes (mostly) dry again, Joel and I looked at each other.
“Bye, Kaylee.” He said finally, making his way down the steps, his sneakers slapping against the wood.
“Bye, Joel,” I whispered, leaning my burning forehead against the doorjamb. I was pretty sure we’d be friends again, at some point in our lives, but he was right. We needed that space.
As I went back into the house I had an epiphany of sorts. Relationships were precious, and the people they were with even more so. They were growing, ever changing things, and they needed to be tended to so they didn’t atrophy and die.
I had found a final green bud in the relationship with my mother last night, and another with Joel just now. But there was another person whose connection with me was severely frostbitten, and I needed to tend to it.
Needed to do it now.
Feeling antsy but sure that he wouldn’t be up yet, I tapped out a text to Jax.
Where does Dylan live?
***
The address that Jax gave me was for a little house on the edge of town. Small with white panelling, it had a neatly kept yard, complete with a dog run along the chain link fence.
I would have thought that I’d come to the wrong place, except that Dylan’s truck was parked in the concrete driveway. Further back I could see the vintage bike he’d bought back when we were teenagers.
I’d already made my decision, and my car was packed. But I’d wanted to come here, to try to set things right before I left.
I thought I saw a shadow at the window as I squared my shoulders and opened the gate. But then I was at the front door, my pulse kicking into hyper speed as I listened to the heavy footfall inside.
Dylan looked at me through the screen door for a long moment before propping it open with his foot. His lean body filled the door frame, and it was all I could do not to run my hands over him, to claim him as mine.
“Can I come in?” It hurt just to get the words out. How had all of this gone so spectacularly to shit in just twenty-four hours?
He looked me up and down, the stare assessing, measuring. I wished I knew whether he was playing it cool, or if he genuinely no longer cared.
Maybe all of this had just been too much trouble for him. Maybe he was just done.
“I can’t talk to you right now.” There was no acid in his words, but his tone didn’t leave any room for argument. My belly flopped over, making me nauseous.
It was over. Over before we’d even really figured out what it was.
“Goodbye, Dylan.” From the corner of my eye I thought I saw him move like he was about to say something, but I’d already turned and was walking away.
He didn’t call after me, didn’t follow me. The tears clogged my nose, clouded my eyes as I climbed into the driver’s seat of my Focus, but I shook them off, refusing myself even one backward glance.
I wasn’t going to cry. This sucked the big one. But I’d been through worse, and I was still here.
I would get through this too.
***
Twenty minutes later, I was driving down the road that connected a string of small towns in the Cascades. I had the radio blasting, a song by Oily Murs blasting, competing with the pain in my mind.
A blast that sounded like a gunshot reverberated through the air in my car. I shrieked as my car jerked to the right, bucking and trying to spin out of control.
I wrestled with the steering wheel, adrenaline slicing through my veins. Through pure dumb luck I managed to keep the small car from spinning and finall
y, finally, came to a halt on the shoulder of the road.
“Mother fucker!” Hands shaking, I shifted into park, then just laid my head on the steering wheel, trying to catch my breath. Without any conscious thought, a thread of giggles bubbled out of my throat, and I laughed like a loon for a full minute, all alone in my car, high on adrenaline.
Finally, cautiously, I looked into my side view mirror and checked for traffic before scrambling out of the car. I had barely rounded the back end when the problem was made obvious.
“Shit.” I’d blown a tire, the culprit likely the massive shard of green glass that I could still see glittering in the rubber.
I scowled down at the flat and considered throwing a tantrum, just because it would feel good. Today was not going to go down in history as the best time I’d ever had, and this was just the rancid cherry on top.
I growled to myself as I popped the trunk of my hatchback and shoved aside my suitcase. I had a spare and a jack, and I knew how to change a tire... in theory.
Thankfully, when I’d gotten the car at eighteen I’d taken notes in a precise hand in a spiral notebook that was secreted with the spare. I followed them haltingly and got that part of the car hoisted up.
Then I tried to loosen the lug nuts.
“Fuck.” They were on there but good. I tried again, and again, hanging the entire weight of my body off of the torque wrench.
No dice. They were rusted on, or seized up, or something. This tire wasn’t budging.
Red faced and sweaty, I chucked the torque wrench into the grass and yelled out loud, just because it felt good. My voice was lost in the empty sky.
I was about halfway to Frenchglen, where my dad lived and where I went to collect the paperwork once a week for my job. Frenchglen wasn’t much bigger than Fish Lake, and I was pretty sure that the only shop there was at the Chevy dealership.
I was torn. I’d had another long talk with a surprisingly coherent Mom, and had decided that, since I needed to have a visit with my dad anyway, I would go stay there for a few weeks. It would be a good chance for me to be away from Dylan, away from the memories of the house.
I planned to clear my head on a few things. I still needed to do that, but I knew without a doubt that Jax would give me a hell of a lot better price than the dealership.
“Whoever is up there, could you throw me a break? Just one tiny little break?” I hollered at the sky as I leaned into the passenger’s side of my car and pulled out my cell and my now warm bottle of grape soda.
After texting Jax, I hoisted myself up onto the hood of my car to wait. The metal was hot to the point of discomfort beneath my butt, and seared the skin revealed by pink shorts.
Twenty minutes later I heard the growl of an engine. I scrambled down off the hood, pulling the hem of my tight white tank top down when it rode up.
When I saw the vehicle pulling off to the shoulder of the road, I cursed for what felt like the millionth time in the past forty-five minutes.
Jax had sent Dylan. Jax was an evil, manipulative, conniving bastard who didn’t understand that he was playing games with my heart.
When Dylan swung himself out of the cab of his truck, the sun glistened off of that golden hair, and emphasized the contrast between the ink of his tattoo and the paler skin underneath.
Just looking at him made my chest hurt. And as my ribs seemed to squeeze the air out of my lungs, I tapped into an anger that I hadn’t known was there.
“Get back in the truck.” I ordered, planting my hands on my hips. “I’d rather sit here with a flat than have you help me.”
Ten minutes ago I would have even told myself that this was an overreaction. But it suddenly all flooded through me, all the emotions.
It wasn’t fair to blame me for Joel showing up in Fish Lake. I hadn’t had anything to do with that.
And, like my mom was starting to hammer into my head, it wasn’t fair to blame me for Ella’s suicide either. If she hadn’t done it that night, she would have another time. I would always have enough grief without piling that on top of it.
To my consternation, Dylan stalked right past me. Squatting, he looked around, then finally up at me.
“Where’s the torque wrench?” His voice was gruff.
I glared, and opened my mouth to tell him where he could put the damn torque wrench. He held up his hand and all but bared his teeth at me.
“You have a flat, I’m here to fix it. Just get the damn wrench.” I could feel his eyes following me as I stomped across the dry grass to retrieve the tool.
“Here.” I thrust it into his outstretched hand, then turned away, crossing my arms over my chest.
I heard the clang of metal as he applied the torque wrench to the lug nuts, heard his faint grunt as he applied force.
Trying to get the tire off had left me red-faced and winded. When Dylan spoke again, I twisted to look over my shoulder and saw that he hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“Since we’re stuck here, we’re going to talk.” His voice was firm.
I watched through narrowed eyes as he pulled the shreds of rubber away and replaced it with the spare.
“I gave you a chance to talk earlier. You didn’t want to.” I spat out the words and realized just how hurt I was by his actions. Damn it, he could have at least heard me out.
“I was mad at you. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for a civilized discussion.” He went to work replacing the lug nuts, and the slightest bit of red hazed my vision.
“Yeah. About that,” I started, turning back around to face him fully. “You know what? I handled it poorly. I should have told you that Joel had shown up. But you have no right to get so mad at me over something I didn’t do. I was never with both of you at the same time. Never. No matter what you think, I’m not that kind of girl.”
Dylan winced, and I felt a stab of triumph as my point drove home.
“That was a cheap shot,” he admitted, dusting his hands off on his thighs and standing. “But I wasn’t mad about that for long.”
“You shouldn’t have been mad about it at all.” I furrowed my brow when he took a step closer. I swore I could feel the heat, radiating off of him in waves.
He stepped closer, then closer still. He leaned in until I was overwhelmed by his scent, teased out by the hot sun.
“The idea of you belonging to someone else drove me insane.”
If any other guy had said this to me, I would have been running. But when Dylan said it, I shivered, the words punching straight through to my gut.
I wasn’t going to touch that one. I couldn’t, not without feeling a part of me shattering.
“Well, if you got over it so fast, then what the hell did you have your panties in a twist about today?” I wanted to back up, to get away from his overwhelming presence, but I didn’t want to give in.
He hesitated a moment before replying.
“Your mom called me this morning.” A hint of that anger he claimed to be over trailed back into his words. “We had a very interesting conversation.”
“What?” I gaped, my mouth hanging open like a fish. My mom had called Dylan? She’d seemed more coherent last night than I’d seen her in years, but it was still spectacularly weird.
Abruptly Dylan turned away, paced a few steps, then ruffled his hand through his hair.
“I can’t believe you thought that I blamed you for Ella’s death.”
His words took the wind right out of my lungs. I wheezed, hugging my arms to my stomach, and blinked up at him, trying to catch my breath.
“You—that night-—the way you looked at me—” I couldn’t keep up with the thoughts jumbling up my brain. “You were so angry. Scary angry. It’s burned into my mind.”
“Fuck.” Dylan swore, turning away to pace a few more steps before whirling back to face me.
“I never knew that that’s what you thought.” Those amazing eyes of his looked tortured, and I had to clench my hands into fists to keep from reaching out to soothe him.
&n
bsp; “What else was I supposed to think? It was the truth.” My throat constricted, and it hurt to swallow.
That was when I saw pity in Dylan’s eyes. He made his way back to me in several long strides, cupping my face in his hands and brushing the lightest of kisses over my lips.
“I was furious, Kaylee, but not with you.”
“Who, then?” My skin burned beneath the touch of his hands.
“I was mad at myself, for not doing something to stop her.” His breath misted over my lips, and I wanted to close my eyes to bask in the sensation.
But I wanted to look at him, to watch the stark honesty that was playing out over his face.
“And more than that, I was pissed at Ella for doing what she did. She had problems, but instead of accepting all the help that was available to her, she took the easy way out. She crushed so many people by doing it. And I’ll never be able to forgive her for that, no matter how much I might miss her.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I knew I probably looked like a fish, but I didn’t care.
God, but he was so right.
A giant sob like sound escaped my throat as I buried my face into his T-shirt. He slid his hands from my cheek to my waist, pulling me in tight, holding me close.
Though strange, animal like cries shook my body, my eyes remained bone dry. Still he held me as I heaved, letting me lean on him the way I’d done for him the day before.
When I’d finally quieted, he lifted me up, carried me to the spot on the hood of my car where I had been sitting earlier. Pulling me toward him, he wrapped my legs around his waist, then pulled me to him for a kiss.
And another one. And then yet another. Though I couldn’t hold back the moan, and though I could feel his erection through his jeans and my shorts, all we did was kiss, holding on to one another like we would drown if we let go.
Minutes might have passed, or maybe an hour. Finally we drew our lips apart, and just leaned on one another in silence, watching the sun move across the sky.
“Where do we go from here?” He finally asked, and I understood the multiple meanings of his question.
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