by Liz Miles
Imbusyshopping: Honey-child, you should be in bed, safe. Home-sweet-home. Call a taxi or your mommy, young lady.
Whoop! I’m vodka’d! I’m Casper-less!
@Imbusyshopping: Ooh Busy-wizzy, the street’s all shiny, jeweley in the rain.
@Ramraidit: I’m dancing down the street. Here’s one for you …
@Ramraidit: I’m listening to Avalanches—“Frontier Psychiatrist.” LOL
Oh …
feeling sick
callin taxi …
Ramraidit: Do you want my address Babe? You can rest your pretty little vodka-shot body right here next to me.
[Signs out]
• • •
[Signs in]
No college. Taking day off. Feeling ill.
Lonely.
No Casper. No dad.
Sorry but I’m crying. I’m doing it. Public crying. Alone. What’s happening? Oh *sort of laughing* I’m sipping a Campari. Missing Casper. Missing my dad. That’s what’s happening.
Tooley14: We’re all lonely.
@Tooley14: I know. But I lost my guy forever last night. And Dad’s gone.
Tooley14: You’re lonely because you think no one loves you any more?
Tooley14: Love’s an illusion. A fog people hide in.
@Tooley14: A fog? It didn’t feel like a fucking fog. It felt nice.
@Tooley14: Are you a nice guy? Or are you like Casper? Or maybe you’re like Ramrod?
TinyDeeDee: AMY, what have you been doing?? You DID go home in the taxi didn’t you? (just read your last-night tweets!!)
@TinyDeeDee: I think I’m losing it, Dee. Tiny sweet Dee. *thumping head*
Halibut4: Oh! I’ve got a humble hangover cure. Bloody Mary: tom juice, horseradish, shot of vodka, squeeze of lemon, 2 drops Tabasco, celery stick x
@Halibut4: Thank you, Hal. But I’m sipping something like an anemic Bloody Mary already. I don’t like tomato juice.
Halibut4: *blushing and bowing*
TinyDeeDee: What happened? (I don’t think you should have more vodka, campari … whatever)
@TinyDeeDee: What happened? Casper took Her over to the bar. He bought Her a drink and They laughed. Cosy. I split (threw my drink at Her).
TinyDeeDee: I’m sure you’ll get flowers, chocs, another apology.
@TinyDeeDee: Ha! I got a text. Quote: “OK Amy: as you can’t trust me it’s over. And a bit of advice: cut down on the cocktails.”
@TinyDeeDee: And you know what! I saw them leaving together. Dee, I’ve had it. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
@TinyDeeDee: Yep. Pa gone. Casp gone. Nothing. I’m gone.
TinyDeeDee: Oh Amy.
@Tooley14: So what do YOU suggest, huh? Bet you’re listening.
Tooley14: Yes, I am. Follow me. Give up and follow me.
@Tooley14: I do already.
DM from Tooley14: Follow me.
DM from Tooley14: Look out your window.
@Tooley14: Christ. Is that you on the bike? Is that a Harley?
DM from Tooley14: I’m going on a fast ride to the mountains. You coming? I mean fast. I mean … there’s nothing to lose, is there?
@Tooley14: How’d you know I lived here?
@Tooley14: You look like something out of a movie *laughing*
DM from Tooley14: Okay … I’m dun waiting. See ya.
@Tooley14: Well I’m busy anyway *looking to see how much Campari I can get through before Mom gets home*
Oh god. Fuck *chucking empty bottle in shute* Closing down. Finito.
• • •
TinyDeeDee: Oh Amy. Answer my DMs. Please. Please.
TinyDeeDee: Where are you?
TinyDeeDee: Please, please, Amy. I’m worried about you.
Imbusyshopping: Honey, if you DM your address I’ll send you a little pressie (floaty lilac skirt, so pretty—so your color).
Imbusyshopping: This book, too, says: “Run from any guy that strengthens a weakness in you!” So you did right with Casper honey! Okay luvvy?
Halibut4: I can send you some links about various detox recipes? If you want. Not that I’m saying you need them or anything.
Ramraidit: Hey! Where are you, Cutest-Little-Butt in the Twittersphere? Beach holiday? Tanning yourself up for me?
• • •
TinyDeeDee: Amy, it’s been 2 weeks! PLEASE could you text me. I’ve just emailed my number.
Imbusyshopping: Please come back, sugar. We miss you.
Halibut4: I hate it when people disappear. Have you disappeared?
DM from Tooley14: Brave. You’re brave. You realized what I said was true. Didn’t you? You’ve escaped, haven’t you? Where are you?
• • •
@Halibut4: No, Hal. I haven’t disappeared. Not yet. But I am about to. Cheers! *sips a Bloody Mary you would be proud of*
@TinyDeeDee: Sorry, Dee. I’ve been coping with stuff. I had bullshit in my head about Casper.
@TinyDeeDee: Yeah, the blonde was an OLD friend from when they were Maddi’s age. Seems he was telling the truth, apparently.
I won’t get Casper back. But I’m not upset. Because I know now, I’m natural lonely. I like being lonely.
I’m lonely in my head. I have my cocktail friend. But thanks anyway to all of you. *big hugs*
@Ramraidit: Cheers! And bottoms up! *opens another mini Campari*
@Imbusyshopping: Cheers! Here’s to the dollar stores *knocking back anti-sad medication*
Tooley14: So where do you go from here, Amy? The bottom of the bottle?
Tooley14: Is that the best escape?
DM to @Tooley14: Okay. Where can we meet? Do you “not care” enough to meet me? Do you?
DM from Tooley14: You were scared of me before. When I had the bike.
DM to @Tooley14: Well maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t care any more. Not now.
DM to @Tooley14: Anyway, a miserable saddo like you is my last non-hope. *smiling a bit* Come up two flights and push open the door on the right.
Tooley14: I don’t have to smile at your mom, do I?
@Tooley14: She’s taking Maddi to school. *laughing* I’ll start scrambling us some eggs.
Tooley14: Okay. I’m on my way.
Rules for Love and Death
BY ELLEN WITTLINGER
THE NEWS HIT the high school Monday morning before the end of first period. Danny Bommarito had been killed in a car wreck Sunday night on Route 55 on his way home from Nicole Nesbit’s house. As soon as Mr. Simonson announced it over the P.A. system, somebody started screaming in the hallway outside my geometry class. Ms. West put her hand over her mouth and leaned against the chalkboard while Mr. S. said that any friends of Danny’s who were upset could leave class to talk to a counselor or the school nurse.
I bet Danny didn’t know how many friends he had. In about a minute there were throngs of kids moving through the hallway, holding on to each other, sobbing like mad. Since Danny was a senior and most of the kids in my geometry class are only sophomores, hardly any of us knew him that well, but there were a few girls crying, and Will Jasper, who was on the football team with Danny, put his head down on his desk. I had never spoken a word to Danny Bommarito—at least, not out loud—but I had intended to, eventually. As soon as I figured out what to say.
Danny was in my study hall last year. He sat with the other juniors and seniors who did things: Peer Leaders, International Relations Club, student government. He was not just a jock—he did everything. If I got there early enough to get a seat at the right table, I could spend most of the period watching him without anybody noticing. I especially loved watching him laugh at jokes. Sometimes I even snickered along with him, which made the kids at my table stare at me like I was possessed. He had a really happy laugh that kind of exploded out of him.
When the bell rang, Danny would lean back in his chair and stretch out before he got moving, like school didn’t rule him the way it did the rest of us. One time I stayed sitting in my seat too while everybody else grabbed their books and stampeded out of
there. Suddenly Danny turned his head and looked right at me, like he’d known I was there.
“Hey,” he said, and gave me a wink. That’s all. “Hey,” and a wink. Then he pulled himself out of his chair and went to catch up with one of his friends. I couldn’t believe it. He knew I was there. He saw me, he spoke to me—he winked.
I went over and over it in my mind—it seemed like we had a secret now, Danny and I. Isn’t that what a wink means? Or maybe it meant, I know you watch me. That might be okay too … if he knew I was interested. But the year was almost over by then, and there wasn’t really time for another wink.
At the beginning of this year I made my friend Violet go with me to a few Peer Leaders meetings, although I didn’t tell her why. She had a boyfriend already, and I thought it might seem childish to her that I was following around some guy I barely knew. I didn’t realize Danny’s girlfriend, Nicole, was president of Peer Leaders. Ugh. They constantly found excuses to touch each other, like it was normal to give somebody a neck massage every time they blinked. I could never get up the nerve to speak to him, so I don’t know if he remembered me from study hall or not. I was working on a question I could ask him, but Vi and I quit the group when we found out the freshmen and sophomores had to do fundraising.
“Not me,” Violet said. “I’m in high school! I’m not selling candy bars door-to-door like some second grader!”
It’s not like Danny Bommarito was the only good-looking upperclassman; he was just the one who seemed right to me. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I heard him laugh I’d get chills down my back. He had dark wavy hair that was always a little too long in the front—not perfect, you know, but perfect. And he seemed like a guy who’d be nice to you, if you ever actually knew him.
So when Mr. Simonson said there was this car crash last night … Well, it couldn’t be true because I never even had a chance to talk to Danny Bommarito … and I was in love with him.
In a few minutes Mr. Simonson was back on the air. “It’s clear to me that it will be difficult to conduct regular classes today in light of the tragedy that has befallen us.” That’s the way he talks. “I am dismissing classes for the remainder of the day. However, I urge those of you who need comfort to seek out our excellent staff here at the school.” He ended by begging us to drive carefully, but by that time we were halfway to our lockers and nobody was listening any more.
I stared into my locker, but I didn’t know what to take out of it. Ms. West hadn’t even given us any homework yet—there was nothing to do. A group of freshmen girls huddled together on the floor nearby, getting in everybody’s way. They were consoling each other and trying to squeeze out a few tears. One of them kept ripping tissues out of a little plastic package and passing them to the others. God, they probably wouldn’t be able to pick Danny out of a line-up.
“Casey! Can you believe this?” Violet came tearing around the corner. “It’s not even nine o’clock yet and we’re out of school! We should go someplace and do something!”
I shrugged half-heartedly. “Don’t you want to hang with Burt?” Vi has been my best friend since kindergarten, but last year she also began to be Burt Baldwin’s girlfriend, and it definitely got in the way of our friendship. We could never make plans until she’d checked with Burt to see what he wanted to do. She said rule number one was: Never neglect a girlfriend for a guy, unless you’re in love with the guy. Then, apparently, anything is permissible. And, of course, Violet is in love.
She gave me a little tap on the back. “Don’t be like that. I don’t always hang with Burt. Besides, I just saw him and he says he’s going back home to sleep.”
“Not a bad idea,” I said.
“Casey, this is a free day!We have to do something. It’s like a present!”
Is that what it was like? How thoughtful of Danny to give us all a present. Even before I slammed my locker and started hightailing it to an exit, the tears began to creep down my cheeks. Violet was behind me, so she didn’t notice right away.
“Why are you running?” She caught up with me as I headed out the back cafeteria door and almost fell over a girl lying motionless face down on the bottom step. My God, had everybody been in love with Danny Bommarito?
There weren’t many people coming out this way—it was the exit to the teachers’ parking lot, and they were probably still inside, meeting in small groups, all their hands over all their mouths. They probably knew all the details by now: where exactly it had happened, whether anybody saw it, who else got hurt, whose fault it was. I kept imagining Danny’s green Honda flipped over on its back like a turtle, wheels spinning. I tried not to think where that meant Danny had been. Trapped inside the car? Thrown out on to the highway? Had he known he was going to die? Thinking about it made me put my hand over my mouth.
I made it to the corner where the trees started before Violet caught sight of my face.
“Are you crying?”
I wasn’t making a sound—no sniffing, no hiccuping, nothing. I just let the silly water leak out silently.
“I didn’t even think you knew Danny Bommarito!” Violet said. “Did you?”
I shook my head. “No, but I might have someday.”
“What, you mean, like, you had a thing for him?”
I sighed. “Sort of.”
Violet put her arm around my shoulder. She actually is a good friend when she’s available. “Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t even know!”
I swiped at the tears with the sleeve of my jacket. “It wasn’t like you and Burt. But I thought it might be someday.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this!”
I shrugged and gave a mucusy sniff, wishing I didn’t sound so pathetic. “You’re always so busy with …”
“I wish you’d stop saying that, Casey. We’re still best friends—we’re supposed to tell each other everything.” Rule number two.
“There wasn’t anything to tell. I just thought … I thought I’d talk to Danny someday, and … I don’t know. He winked at me once. I just thought I’d get to talk to him.” I could feel another downpour building behind my eyes.
Violet sucked in her breath. “You really liked him, didn’t you?” I nodded and she hugged my shoulder tighter. “Oh, poor Casey! He is really cute. Was, I mean. God, I’m glad I didn’t know him very well. It would be awful to have a friend who died young like that. It gives me goosebumps to think of it.”
We stopped at the corner of Edgewood and Harrison and shivered, even though it was a warm Indian-summer day. I found a half-used tissue in my pocket and blew my nose. “Where are we going? Home or downtown?”
“Well, if you feel like it we could go to the Pancake Palace and get some breakfast? I didn’t have time to eat before I left home this morning. And there’s something I want to talk to you about, too. If you’re okay.” She gave me a slippery little grin and I had an idea what the topic was going to be. The last thing I was in the mood for this morning was tales of weekend lust in Burt’s family room while Burt’s family was somewhere else. But what choice did I have? Violet is my best friend. There are rules, you know.
• • •
We got a booth in the back corner so we could have some privacy. It was amazing how many other kids from school showed up. I guess grief makes you hungry. I ordered the special—two scrambled eggs, bacon, home fries and a biscuit—while Violet, who had already eaten a bowl of cereal this morning, ordered a cup of coffee and an English muffin.
“I thought you were hungry,” I said. “You aren’t getting nuts about your weight again, are you?”
“Don’t worry so much. It’s just hard to eat when you feel like this.”
“Like what?”
She sucked in her breath and fluttered her hands in front of her chest to indicate that they were ready for take-off, I guess. Vi can be a real drama queen. She likes to give you a big build-up before she tells you anything, which makes even ordinary stuff seem important. I don’t have that talent, or maybe I jus
t don’t think anything that happens to me is that important.
“What?” I repeated.
Violet leaned across the table to whisper to me. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m so excited.”
“Why? Tell me, already.”
The slippery grin returned. “We did it. Last night!” She spoke so quietly I had to read her lips, but then, the words were pretty simple to understand.
It’s not like I was shocked or anything. I knew they’d been heading for it—Burt, especially, had been heading for it. Violet had been changing her mind practically every day: do it, don’t do it, do it. I guess she’d finally made up her mind.
But on the other hand, I was shocked. This was Violet, who I’d known since forever, who took dancing lessons with me at Ms. Patty’s, who slept in my bunk with me at Camp Nashatoga on the nights the camp staff told ghost stories, who went with me the first time I visited my father after he moved out, who never told her mother it was me who gave her that botched haircut in the seventh grade. It was bad enough she had a boyfriend and I didn’t—but now she’d taken it one giant step further. Into the mysterious territory of sex: a faraway land to which I’d certainly never be able to follow her. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.
“Can you believe it?” she said. “I wasn’t going to, but then, I don’t know, nobody’s ever home at Burt’s, and all of a sudden there didn’t seem to be a reason not to.”
“You had a few hundred reasons last week,” I reminded her. “Like whether you were in love or not, for one.”