by Liz Miles
Odessa hands me the plate. I look at her for a moment. She is perfect. I drink the milk and know that I will have a mustache. I look at Odessa and want to say, “I love you.” I want to tell her how no one else would bring me a glass of milk. I want to tell her everything, but she starts talking. Odessa says, “Make sure you don’t leave that plate in the closet. I don’t want your mother finding it and thinking I’ve lost my mind. I don’t want bugs in there. Bring it out and put it in the dishwasher. Don’t stay in there all day or you’ll lose your color.” I nod and she closes the door.
I’m hiding and I’m eating a cream cheese and cucumber sandwich and having my head examined. I’m in the neighborhood of my soul and getting worried. I’m trying not to hate myself so much, trying not to hate my body, my mind, the thoughts I think. I’m hiding in the linen closet having a sex change. I’m in here with a pad of paper writing things I’ve thought and then unthought. Thoughts that seemed like incest, like they shouldn’t be allowed.
I’m trying to find some piece of myself that is truly me, a part that I would be willing to wear like a jewel around my neck. My foot. I love my foot. If I had to send a part of myself to represent myself in some other country, or in some other way, I would amputate my foot and send it wrapped in white tissue on a silk-embroidered cushion. I would send my foot because it is me, more me than I’m willing to let on. There are other parts that are also good—hands, eyes, mouth—but after a few months I might look at them and not see the truth. After a few years I might look at them and think of someone else. But my foot is mine, all mine, the real thing. There is no mistaking it. I look at it; I take off my sock and it screams my name.
I could go on for hours demonstrating how well I know myself through my foot, but I won’t. It’s embarrassing. The foot, my foot, that I wish to wear on a ribbon around my neck is an example of grace twisted and trapped. Chunks of bone and flesh conforming to the dictum: form follows function. It’s a wonder I’m not a cripple.
I’m hiding in the linen closet, writing a declaration of independence. I’m in the closet, but the worst is over. There is hope, trapped inside my foot; inside my soul there is possibility. I’m looking at myself and slowly I’m falling in love. I’ve figured out what it takes to live forever. I’m in love and I’m free.
I want to throw the door open and hear an orchestra swell. I want to run out to the Fat Club ladies and tell them, “Life can go on, I’m in love.”
I’ll stand in the living room, facing the sofa. I’ll stand with my arms spread wide, the violins reaching their pitch. I’ll be sweating and shaking, unsteady on my feet, my wonderful, loving, lovable feet. At the end of my proclamation my mother will let her glasses fall from her face and dangle from the cord around her neck.
“Miss Dramatic,” she’ll say. “Why weren’t you an actress?”
The fat ladies will look at each other. They’ll look at me and think of other declarations of love. They’ll look and one will ask, “Who’s the lucky man?”
There will be silence while they wait for a name, preferably the right kind of name. If I tell them it isn’t a man, their silence will grow and they’ll expect what they think is the worst. No one except my mother will have nerve enough to say, “A girl then?”
I’ll be forced to tell them, “It’s not like that.” One of the ladies, the one the others think isn’t so smart, will ask, “What’s it like?”
I’ll smile, the orchestra will swell, and I’ll look at the four ladies sitting on the sofa, the sofa covered with something modern and green, something that vaguely resembles the turf on a putting green.
“It’s like falling in love with life itself,” I’ll say.
My mother will look around the room. She’ll look anywhere except at me.
“Are you all right?” she’ll ask when I stop to catch my breath. “You look a little flushed.” I’ll be singing and dancing.
“I’m fine, I’m wonderful, I’m better than before. I’m in love.”
I’ll sing, and on the end note cymbals will crash and the sound will hold in the air for a minute. And then swinging a top hat and cane, I’ll dance away. I’ll dance down the hall toward the den.
I want to find my father in the den, the family room, watching tennis on television. I want to catch him in the middle of a set and say that I can’t wait for a break. I want to tell him, “Life must go on.”
He’ll say that it’s match point. He’ll say that he’s been trying to tell me that all along.
“But why didn’t you tell me what it really means?”
“It seems pretty obvious.”
And then I’ll tell him, “I’m in love.” There will be a pause. Someone will have the advantage. My feet will go clickety-clack over the parquet floor and he’ll say, “Yes, you sound very happy. You sound like you’re not quite yourself.”
“I’m more myself than I’ve ever been.”
I want to find Odessa. “Life will go on,” I’ll tell her. “I’m in love.” I’ll take her by the hand and we’ll dance in circles around the recreation room. We’ll dance until we’re dizzy and Odessa will ask me, “Are you all right?”
I’ll only be able to mumble “Ummmm, hummm,” because my grin will have set like cement. I’m hiding in the linen closet writing love letters to myself.
Acknowledgments
“Girl Jesus on the Inbound Subway” © 2011 by Matthue Roth. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Young Stalker’s Handbook” © 2011 by Sarah Rees Brennan. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Lost in Translation” © 2011 by Michael Lowenthal. Originally published in a slightly different form in Queer 13: Lesbian and Gay Writers Recall Seventh Grade, ed. Clifford Chase (New York: Rob Weisbach Books, 1998). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Confessions and Chocolate Brains” © 2011 by Jennifer R. Hubbard. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Iris and Jim” © 2006 by Sherry Shahan. Originally published in ZY22YUA, 2006. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Last Will and Testament of Evan Todd” © 2011 by Saundra Mitchell. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Headgear Girl” © 2011 by Heidi R. Kling. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Never Have I Ever” © 2011 by Courtney Gillette. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Dirty Talk” © 2011 by Gary Soto. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of BookStop Literary Agency, LLC, and the author.
“Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder” © 2011 by Jennifer Knight. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Somebody’s Daughter” © 2011 by Shelley Stoehr. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Margo Ferkel’s Two-Hour Blitz of Badness” © 2011 by Jill Wolfson. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of BookStop Literary Agency, LLC, and the author.
“Nude Descending a Staircase” © 2011 by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Originally published in a slightly different form in She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders (New York: Broadway, 2003). Printed by permission of the author.
“Scrambled Eggs” © 2011 by Liz Miles. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Rules for Love and Death” © 2002 by Ellen Wittlinger. First published in One Hot Second: Stories About Desire, ed. Cathy Young (New York: Knopf, 2002). Printed by permission of the author.
“Cool Cats and Melted Kisses” © 2011 by Luisa Plaja. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Orange Tootsie Pop” © 2011 by Cecil Castellucci. First publicat
ion, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Team Men” © 2002 by Emma Donoghue. Originally published in One Hot Second: Stories About Desire, ed. Cathy Young (New York: Knopf, 2002). Printed by permission of the author.
“Pencils” © 2011 by Sara Wilkinson. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Yours Truly” by A. M. Homes. Originally published in The Safety of Objects by Amy M. Homes (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1990). Reprinted by permission of the publisher.
Author Biographies
Jennifer Finney Boylan is the author of numerous books, including the young adult series, “Falcon Quinn” as well as the bestselling memoir, She’s Not There. She is a regular contributor to the New York Times, as well as an ongoing contributor to Conde Nast Traveller magazine. As well as being professor of English at Colby College in Waterville, Maine, Jenny is the Hoyer-Updike Distinguished Writer at Ursinus College in Collegeville, Pennsylvania. She serves on the judging committee of the Fulbright Scholars, administered by the U.S. Department of State. Jenny has been a frequent guest on a number of national television and radio programs, including The Oprah Winfrey Show. She lives in Belgrade Lakes, Maine, with her family.
www.jenniferboylan.net
Sarah Rees Brennan was born and raised by the sea in Ireland, where her teachers valiantly tried to make her fluent in Irish (she wants you to know it’s not called Gaelic), but she chose to read books under her desk in class instead. After college she lived briefly in New York and somehow survived in spite of her habit of hitching lifts in fire engines. Since then she has returned to Ireland to write. Her Irish is still woeful, but she feels the books under the desk were worth it. The Demon’s Lexicon, her first novel, received three starred reviews and was a Kirkus’ Best Books, an ALA Top Ten Best Books, and a Best British Fantasy Book. It was followed by The Demon’s Covenant, and the trilogy will conclude with The Demon’s Surrender.
www.sarahreesbrennan.com
Cecil Castellucci is the author of novels and graphic novels for young adults. Her short stories have appeared in numerous anthologies. Recent books include a YA novel, Rose Sees Red, and picture book, Grandma’s Gloves. In addition to writing books, she writes plays, makes movies and occasionally rocks out.
www.misscecil.com
Emma Donoghue (who despises sport in all forms) is the least qualified person in the world to write a story about footie, but when she had a notion to retell the Bible story of David, Jonathan, and Saul it seemed to her as if a boys’ soccer team (all hormones and bruises) would be the perfect setting. So she got a good friend to help her with the technical details for “Team Men,” and apologizes for any errors. Born and raised in Dublin, Emma started coming out of the closet at fourteen, the scariest truth-or-dare period of her life. These days she lives in Canada with her girlfriend and their two small children, and is lucky enough to do nothing but write for a living. Her books of fiction include fairy tales (Kissing the Witch), historical novels (Slammerkin, Life Mask and The Sealed Letter), and contemporary ones (including Stirfry, Hood and Landing). Her bestselling novel Room, a horrifying tale told through the eyes of a five-year-old boy, was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize and the Governor General’s Awards.
www.emmadonoghue.com
Courtney Gillette is a writer, teacher, and lover of milkshakes. Her work has appeared in Tom Tom Magazine; No, Dear; The Queerist; and Spinner.com, among others, as well as the Lambda Award-winning anthology The Full Spectrum: A New Generation of Writing About Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning and Other Identities, edited by David Levithan and Billy Merrell. In 2009 she became a Literary Death Match Champion. Her most favorite thing in the world is Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls, a non-profit organization whose mission is to teach and empower girls. She lives in Brooklyn, and rides a sweet blue bicycle.
courtneygillette.wordpress.com
A. M. Homes has received many awards for her writing, including Fellowships from the John Simon Guggenheim Foundation, the National Endowment for the Arts, NYFA, and The Cullman Center for Scholars and Writers at The New York Public Library, along with the Benjamin Franklin Award. She is the author of the novels, This Book Will Save Your Life, Music for Torching, The End of Alice, In a Country of Mothers, and Jack, as well as the short-story collections, Things You Should Know and The Safety of Objects, which was adapted into a film. She is also a Contributing Editor to Vanity Fair, Bomb, and Blind Spot. Homes was a writer/producer of the hit television show The L Word and wrote the television adaptation of her first novel, Jack, for Showtime.
Born in Washington, D.C., Homes now lives in New York City.
www.amhomesbooks.com
Jennifer R. Hubbard lives and writes near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She is a night person who believes that mornings are meant to be slept through, a chocolate lover, and a hiker. Her short fiction has appeared in literary magazines such as Willow Review and North American Review, and her short non-fiction has appeared in AMC Outdoors. Her first book was the contemporary YA novel The Secret Year. She blogs at writerjenn.livejournal.com.
www.jenniferhubbard.com.
Heidi R. Kling is the author of Sea, a story of hope after tragedy set in the aftermath of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, which was an IndieNext pick that sparked the popular #sealove campaign on Twitter. She contributed an essay to A Visitor’s Guide to Mystic Falls, where she peers into the complicated relationship of the undead Vampire Diaries brothers. Getting paid to re-watch episodes of hot, shirtless bloodsuckers? Definitely a perk. She lives in Palo Alto, California, with her trauma-psychiatrist husband, two wildly entertaining children, and an old, tired dog. A former actress and children’s theater director/playwright, she is writing a “Romeo and Juliet with magic” fantasy series, while remembering to be grateful, each and every day, that she didn’t have to wear headgear to high school.
heidirkling.com
Jennifer Knight has been an avid reader and writer since she was young, but never imagined herself as an author until her college days, when she stumbled upon an unfinished book idea amid her failed attempts at picking a major. That first idea was ultimately a bomb, but it got her going in the right direction—one that led to the publication of her debut novel, Blood on the Moon. Ever since, she has preferred to write for teens, claiming that they are the most enjoyable and challenging audience available—not to mention that it gives her the opportunity to relive (and redeem) her own disastrous high school experiences with good humor and a healthy smattering of sarcasm. Jennifer lives in South Florida with her family, where she spends every available moment lost in her head, dreaming about what comes next.
Michael Lowenthal grew up near Washington, D.C., where the truth often seems in short supply, and was inspired to tell stories as truthfully as possible, even—especially!—when the truth requires making things up. He is the author of the novels Charity Girl, Avoidance, and The Same Embrace, as well as stories and essays that have been widely anthologized. He lives in Boston, Massachusetts, and welcomes dares.
www.MichaelLowenthal.com.
Liz Miles’s first writing commission was to examine and report on the quality of the food, beer, and atmosphere in London pubs—a tough beginning! Since those heady, tortuous days, she has discovered yet more joy in writing a wide range of books, from comic-strip stories about cream-bun fights to biographies of Louis Pasteur and Will Smith. Her only distractions from writing and reading (books, blogs, and tweets) are watching movies and eating New York cheesecake.
Saundra Mitchell has been a phone psychic, a car salesperson, a denture-deliverer and a layout waxer. She has dodged trains, endured basic training, and hitchhiked from Montana to California. She teaches herself languages, raises children, and makes paper for fun. She is also a screenwriter for Fresh Films and the author of Shadowed Summer and The Vespertine. She always picks truth; dares are too easy.
www.saundramitchell.com
Lu
isa Plaja was born in Glasgow and spent her earliest years in Sicily and her school years in the suburbs of London. As an Italian girl in England and an English girl in Italy, she was a mixed-up girl all over the place. She believes that school days might not be the happiest days of your life but they definitely have their uses as a writer’s resource and well of fascinating characters and conflicts. She now lives in Devon and is the author of several novels for teenagers, including Split by a Kiss, Swapped by a Kiss and Extreme Kissing.
www.luisaplaja.com
Matthue Roth is a novelist and performance poet. He has filmed for HBO’s Def Poetry Jam and Rock the Vote, performed with Deepak Chopra and Carlos Santana, and completed three national tours with his own brand of poetry that isn’t quite hip-hop and isn’t quite storytelling, but still manages to be funny and sweet and brutal, and brutally honest.
Matthue’s first novel was Never Mind the Goldbergs—a coming-of-age tale of a teenage Orthodox Jewish girl who stars on a television sitcom—and his second was the memoir Yom Kippur a Go-Go. He is also the author of the novels, Candy in Action, featuring supermodels who know kung fu, and Losers, which is about teenage Russian Jewish immigrants and geeks who want to take over the world. “Girl Jesus” is a sequel to Losers.
Matthue writes for the Forward, Bitch Magazine, and the San Francisco Bay Guardian, and he keeps a secret online journal.