“Will you let her?”
“That’s what I’m not sure about. I feel as if forgiving her would mean being disloyal to you.”
A week ago, he may have thought so, too. But this wasn’t about him anymore. He was finally at peace with their past. Didn’t Amelia deserve the same?
“You should talk to her,” he said. “I didn’t want to believe it either, but she really has changed.”
His mother gasped softly. “Don’t tell me you still have feelings for her.”
The idea made him chuckle, because other than sympathy for her and her son, he didn’t feel much of anything for her. “Not at all. And I wouldn’t consider your speaking to her as disloyal. In fact, I think it would be good for both of you.”
“She broke your heart.”
“Only because I let her.” And now it looked as if he might be in a similar situation with Julie. Would he chase her down, only to have her break his heart? He’d been patient these past weeks, but his patience was wearing very thin. Either she loved him or she didn’t. He needed to know if they had a future together.
When he got to the club he took a seat at the bar, ordered a beer and settled in to watch the basketball game playing on the television. He’d had three beers when his phone rang. It was Julie. But he had no idea what to say to her.
He ignored the call, turned the ringer off on his phone and ordered a scotch
The bartender, who knew he normally didn’t have more than a beer or two, regarded him with growing concern. “Everything okay?” he asked.
“I should think that’s pretty obvious,” Luc said, swirling the scotch in his glass. Then he drained it in one swallow, set the glass down a little too forcefully and tapped the bar for another.
“Not until you hand them over,” the bartender said, holding out his hand.
Without argument Luc dug his keys out of his pocket and dropped them in his hand. He was no stranger to the end result of drinking and driving. He’d seen it far too many times to make the same mistake himself. If he had to he would walk home.
Everything was getting a bit fuzzy, so Luc wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there or how many drinks he’d consumed when Drew sat down at the bar beside him.
“Hey,” Drew said, gesturing to the bartender for a beer.
“Hey,” Luc replied.
Drew took a long pull on his beer when it arrived, then set it down on the bar and asked Luc, “You want to talk about it?”
“About what?”
“Whichever sorrows you’re drowning with that scotch.”
Trying to drown, and failing miserably. In fact, Luc felt even worse than he had when he walked in the door. “You gonna make me guess?” Drew asked.
“I’m in love with Julie.” He’d never said that out loud before, and hearing those words come out of his own mouth was a little surreal. So he said it again. “I am in love with Julie.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
He laughed bitterly. “Drew, I would give anything to go back to way things were before, when I didn’t know what I was missing. When being her best friend was enough. But being with her has changed me, and now I can’t change back.”
“What makes you think you have to?”
“She doesn’t love me.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Okay, she isn’t in love with me.”
“Have you told her that you’re in love with her?”
“She won’t give me the chance. I tried to talk to her about it today and she refused to listen. She wants things to stay just the way they are now. I’m worried that if I push her too hard, it will only drive her away.” He used to believe that he could think his way out of any situation but this one had him stumped.
“So what are you going to do?”
“If I knew that, I wouldn’t be sitting here. Maybe I shouldn’t do anything yet. Maybe I should give her more time. Just keep doing what we’ve been doing. Everything was perfect until I brought it up today.”
“It seems to me that if things were perfect, you wouldn’t have had to bring it up.”
He’d be damned if Drew wasn’t spot on. As close as Luc and Julie were, emotionally and physically, he wanted more. Being Julie’s friend just wasn’t enough now. But was he willing to risk their friendship?
Maybe he didn’t have a choice.
Looking thoughtful, Drew said, “Maybe what you need to do is shake her tree a little, see what falls out.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Nudge her out of her comfort zone. See what she does.”
“And how would I do that?”
He shrugged. “She’s your wife. You know her better than anyone. You’ll think of something.”
Luc thought he knew her. Now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe all this time he’d only been letting her see what she wanted him to see.
Maybe deep down he didn’t know her at all.
Sixteen
Sunday was supposed to be Julie and Luc’s special day, but he spent the majority of it in bed nursing a hangover. They had planned to have breakfast at the diner, then check out the recently reopened organic produce store to buy fresh flowers. After their food settled they would take a long walk in the park. Then maybe they would head back home for some afternoon “exercise.” Later he would take her to dinner, then it was back home to make love again.
Instead Luc spent Sunday in bed nursing a hangover. It didn’t take a genius to know why Luc had gone out and gotten hammered.
She knew that sleeping in his bed had been a bad idea. She should have listened to her instincts. She’d given him the wrong impression, led him on. She’d made him fool himself into believing that he was in love with her. But men confused sex with love all of the time, right? Or was it the other way around?
Either way, she would be sleeping in her own bed from now on.
She and Luc barely said two words to each other all day. She slept in her own bed that night, though she didn’t do all that much sleeping. Luc didn’t even try to talk her into staying with him, and when she kissed him good-night his lips felt so cold. So passionless. She knew that in a day or two he would realize what a huge mistake he’d almost made thinking they should take their relationship to the next level. He would realize that they were better off as just friends, then everything would go back to normal. Everything would be okay.
The kind of baggage Julie carried around wasn’t so easily shed. And the idea of opening those bags and rooting through the traumatic events of her childhood made her feel sick to her stomach.
* * *
Monday dragged by, and every time Julie tried to see or call Luc he was too busy to be disturbed. He was still upset. She got that, but he was going to have to let it go at some point, so they could get back to being best friends. One day of the silent treatment had taken its toll. She missed him. She just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. Friends with benefits. Hell, if it meant restoring their friendship to its previous, uncomplicated manifestation, she would even be willing to end their physical relationship. Though that would seriously suck.
Tonight, she decided. After dinner she would take him aside and offer to have that talk he wanted. Now that he’d had a few days to think it over, she was positive he would agree that it was best for both of them if they just kept going the way they had been.
The only bright spot of the day was when she stopped in Tommy’s room to find Amelia next to her sleeping son’s bed, tears in her eyes.
Julie’s heart sank. Was his infection worse? Would they be postponing the surgery? “What happened?”
Amelia turned to her and smiled. “His white count is back to normal. They’re going ahead with the surgery tomorrow morning at seven a.m.!”
Julie was thrilled for Amelia and Tommy, but her happiness deflated like a balloon when she realized what that meant for her and Luc. With such a delicate surgery on his schedule, the last thing Luc needed was to be distracted by their marital issues. That conversation they were supposed to have would have to wait.
The day of Tommy’s surgery, Julie left Houdini in Elizabeth’s capable hands and drove to the hospital early, intending to spend her morning waiting with Amelia in her son’s room.
She’d heard Luc getting ready for work, but stayed in her room until after he left. She didn’t want to risk a confrontation on this very important morning. Besides, after having two whole days to think about it, he would come around. She knew he would. He just needed time to realize the mistake he’d made letting his heart overrule his head. Then they could go back to being best friends.
* * *
Julie stopped in the cafeteria for coffee and doughnuts on the way up, and by the time she got to Tommy’s room they had already wheeled him out for surgery. Amelia was sitting cross-legged on her air mattress, looking surprisingly well-rested and calm.
Julie handed her one of the coffees and offered her a doughnut. “I figured you could use this. One cream, two sugars, right?”
“You’re a goddess,” Amelia said, taking them from her. “How are things going?”
Julie sat in the visitors chair by the window. “Good.”
“Luc came in to see me a little while ago,” Amelia told her, and at the mere mention of his name Julie’s heart dropped. It had been doing that a lot—pretty much every time she thought of him or heard someone say his name. “He explained what will happen during the surgery, and what to expect when Tommy is out of recovery,” Amelia was saying, and Julie struggled to stay focused, but all she could think about was her looming conversation with Luc. “I’m still nervous of course, but I know that Tommy is in good hands. I’m more concerned about the pain he’ll be in afterward, and the physical therapy he’ll go through.”
Speaking of being nervous...
She and Luc had barely talked since Saturday. What if he’d had enough? Would he back out on their deal and ask her for a divorce?
Of course he wouldn’t. But it didn’t hurt to prepare herself for the worst. Everyone should have a backup plan.
How could things go from blissful perfection to so unbearably confusing so damned fast?
Julie left briefly to get them lunch from the cafeteria, and when she came back, Amelia was beaming.
“You just missed Luc.”
Down her heart went into her stomach again.
“How did it go?” she asked, even though Amelia’s relief was explanation enough.
“The surgery was a success and Tommy is in Recovery and doing great.”
“That’s wonderful news,” she said, hugging Amelia. With the surgery over and declared a success, it was time to talk to Luc.
After Tommy had been returned to his room and settled in, Julie went by Luc’s office, almost hoping he wouldn’t be there. But he was. He sat at his desk, chair turned toward the window, his back to her, hands folded in his lap.
It took all of her courage to step inside and close the door, and if Luc was aware of her presence, he didn’t let on.
“Hey,” she said, so nervous that her hands were trembling.
“Hey,” he replied, not turning around. Not even moving.
“Can we talk?”
He swiveled around to face her. He wasn’t smiling. He wasn’t frowning, either. His features looked frozen in a nonexpression, his eyes blank. “About what?”
“This thing happening between us.”
“You mean love?”
She cringed.
He shook his head, looking so disappointed. “You can’t even stand to hear me say it, can you?”
“It’s not that. I just...”
“Don’t bother trying to explain. I know you well enough to recognize when you’re running away.”
She could understand why it might look that way. But she didn’t want to go anywhere. “I’m not, I swear.”
“You just don’t trust me.”
Why would he think that? After all they had been through. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? Then tell me why you kept your condo?”
She bit her lip, unsure of how to answer, to make him understand.
“Speechless?” he asked. “Always have a backup plan. Isn’t that what you’ve always told me? I just never imagined you would need a backup plan from me.”
To deny it would be a lie. And it sounded horrible when he said it like that.
He leaned forward in his chair. “I know you better than you know yourself, Julie, and maybe that’s the problem. I got too close and now you’re running scared. You don’t trust me.”
“I do, it’s just... Can’t we just go back to the way things were before? When we were best friends?”
He sighed and sagged back into his chair. “We can’t unring the bell. And I can’t go on pretending that everything is okay. Because it’s not.”
She felt utterly sick inside. “I don’t want to lose you. You mean more to me than anything.”
“Just not enough to love me.”
He was breaking her heart. “Luc—”
He held his hand up to stop her. “Sorry, that was a low blow. It was uncalled for. Like you said so many times before, you feel what you feel. Or don’t feel. And the fact of the matter is that I love you and you don’t feel the same about me.”
“If we could just talk about this—”
“There’s nothing to say. My mind is made up.”
Her heart dropped so violently she could barely breathe. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to agree with her. He’d always been on her side, but now, when she needed him most, he was just going to do what? Divorce her?
“W-what are you saying?” she asked, her voice so wobbly her words were barely understandable.
“We can’t be together anymore,” he told her. “Not like before.”
“Are you saying you want a divorce?”
“I made you a promise, one I intend to keep. We can go on living like a married couple, but it would be best if we saw each other as little as possible. That will be much easier if you take the spare room downstairs.”
She could hardly believe this was happening. He was ending their relationship, just like that? “So that’s it? We’re not even friends anymore?”
“That’s it,” he said, that damned blank look on his face. He could have the decency to show a little emotion, to feel angry or hurt. Something.
“What about work? Are you firing me?”
“No, but I think that after you establish your citizenship, you should consider looking for another position. It would be easier on everyone.”
Then what reason did she even have to stay in Royal? She’d had such grand plans for making Royal her home, and suddenly now they were unraveling around her. Maybe she would be better off in South Africa after all. Maybe it would give her the chance to make a new start.
Julie was a nervous wreck for the next few days, praying she didn’t run into Luc, then feeling so cold and empty inside when she didn’t. Luc was really good at making himself scarce.
How was it that just a week ago everything was
fine. She was happy, he was happy. Why did he have to go and ruin everything?
That wasn’t fair and she knew it. This wasn’t his fault. It was all her. But she missed him, in a way she had never missed anyone. She woke up lonely and went to bed feeling sick. When she was able to sleep, which wasn’t often, he tormented her in her dreams. He preoccupied her mind until she could barely think of anything else.
What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she such a mess?
She tried her best to keep her feelings to herself, to put on a good face, but she must not have been very convincing because Amelia confronted her Sunday afternoon at the hospital.
Tommy was working with his physical therapist and making impressive progress, so Julie and Amelia went down to the cafeteria for lunch.
“I am not going to miss this hospital food,” Amelia said, glaring with contempt at her overcooked burger and soggy fries. Julie pushed her tuna salad around the plate but couldn’t make herself take a bite.
“You’ve been unusually somber this last week,” Amelia said.
So much for putting on a good face. She felt like an empty shell, as if losing Luc had sucked everything she loved about life right from her. The days seemed to have no point. Food lost its flavor and not even sleep was an escape from the harsh reality of how horribly she had screwed things up. Why hadn’t she just told Luc that she loved him?
Because it would have been a lie, and no matter how much she missed him, he deserved someone who could love him with her whole heart. Someone who trusted him the way she never could.
“I thought I would give you time to work it through before offering an ear,” Amelia said, “but we have to leave tomorrow. Could you at least assure me that you’re okay?”
Julie put her fork down, feeling hollowed out and cold. A nonperson. “To be honest, I’m not sure if I am.”
Amelia’s brow knit with concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She hadn’t intended to tell Amelia about her pretend marriage, but there was no way to explain the situation without telling her the whole truth. Besides, not telling her seemed dishonest somehow. “If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to say anything to anyone. And I mean no one.”
More Than a Convenient Bride Page 14