Sometimes I was never sure whether her moral high ground was the result of her coming from a broken home; her mum moved to New Zealand after being divorced from Maddy’s dad.
‘I am aware of that,’ I said.
The laptop had been left open on the Proceeds of Crime Act. The lack of control over their situation had her spending hours studying the finer details of the Act so that she could try to stay one step ahead. This was all driving her mad. As a consequence, I was becoming as familiar with POCA as she was with a complete stranger called Anthony Hope.
‘Can you get Facebook up for me please?’ I asked. She pulled it up for me and slid the laptop back my way.
I signed myself in and pulled up Anthony’s Profile.
Loads of people had left messages for him, wanting to know what his news was – just like me.
‘Look at them all,’ I said. ‘If I’d left a Status like that, probably only five people would be remotely interested – one of which would be you.’
Maddy just laughed and handed me a mug of tea.
I sat and read every single message running over several pages while Maddy had a bit of a tidy up before her cleaner arrived. I left another message on my Facebook Wall, saying I liked the picture of the Jackass in a paper crown.
I took a few moments to ponder if he’d posted this picture to look like the prince, jack or knave on a pack of cards. I didn’t really know for sure.
‘He can’t have gone to sleep at all last night,’ I said.
Maddy raised her eyebrows.
Why doesn’t he seem to sleep much at night? I silently wondered, as I imagined him in boxers and a loose T-shirt, sitting propped up in his bed playing on his laptop. I also imagined him with a couple of books by his bedside, like I always had.
‘He’s probably like you Maddy…gets midnight munchies and insomnia from all the nicotine.’
‘I’ve never been able to sleep…it’s nothing to do with nicotine…you ask my dad what I was like as a kid…Mum and Dad tried everything with me,’ she said, while blowing her cigarette smoke out of the kitchen window.
‘Why is he posting Status Updates in a weird language in the early hours,’ I said, while still looking at them.
Anthony says he can’t help but wonder…
Anthony says: Es gibt Grobe Macht in wortern, wenn sie zu viele von ihnen zusammen nicht festmachen.
It looked German to me, but I couldn’t be entirely sure. It was as though he was trying to cryptically tell me something. But what? I scribbled the words down on the back of an envelope that was lying around.
‘How’s your German?’ I asked, while taking a bite from the toast Maddy had now placed in front of me.
‘Non-existent, why?’
‘These Updates definitely look German to me. Do you have any German friends that I don’t know about?’
‘No but I have a Belgium friend.’
‘Hmmm…right well – I’ll find an online translator. God I hate your laptop. Everything’s there but it’s all in the wrong place. Where’s the search bit gone?’
‘God, you’re ungrateful. I let you play on my laptop and you slag it off,’ she took it from me. ‘There…you’re in now.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Any luck?’
‘No…it’s not going anywhere.’
The whole thing had frozen.
She took the laptop off me.
‘Internet’s gone down…keeps doing this lately…you’ll have to wait a bit,’ she said calmly.
I didn’t feel calm.
‘Why now? What is it with the bloody Internet today? I swear this Status is something to do with me.’
‘You’re mad,’ she said.
‘I need to know what it says…what if he’s going home or…he’s getting engaged?’
‘Oh, what a shame that would be,’ she said.
I pulled a face at her.
Maddy just shook her head and simultaneously closed her eyes. So I continued with my spoken thought-processing.
‘It could just be a message to a German friend,’ Maddy offered, as I sat frantically trying to get the Internet back up.
‘No…because they would have replied to it…they wouldn’t just ignore it…surely? None of his friends’ names sounded particularly German either. I’ve looked through them already. But it might not even be German. I could be completely wrong. Oh…I don’t know. I wanted to show you his New Year photos with his girlfriend as well,’ I said.
The fact they had looked so good together had really hurt, which was why I’d been trying to stay off Facebook for the past week.
The Internet came back up.
I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly pulled the album up for Maddy.
‘I still prefer him in casual clothes, rather than suits. Suits are definitely for businessmen,’ I said, as I looked at the first picture.
But he still looked edgy, even in a suit. He was like the baddy in a movie: you should really be attracted to the good guy, but the more dangerous-looking bad guy just has that sexual edge.
‘Here…look at them properly then,’ I said, forcing her to look at the album taken at a Black Tie event in some hotel somewhere. They were posing like they’d been shot for Hello magazine.
‘Yeah, they’re nice typical New Year photos of a new couple. She’s no prettier than you though,’ Maddy said, while scrutinising them.
‘Oh, come on. She looks gorgeous on these pictures and she’s tall.’
‘So what? Do you want to be tall? I know I don’t. I love being small…Steve hates tall women, says they look like men.’
‘I like being petite…most of the time,’ I said, as I thought that now and since the arrival of this girl wasn’t one of those times in my life.
‘What does she do for a living?’ Maddy asked.
‘Dunno…her Facebook has privacy settings…besides, men don’t care whether women have a brain or not…and she’ll have a sexy Irish accent,’ I said, changing direction to strengthen my argument.
Lately I was not only disliking being small, but was also hating my bland English accent, which was the result of hundreds of pounds spent removing an accent which was only useful if you planned to appear as a guest on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
‘So what? She could have a funny voice…?’
‘Yeah I know that…but…she’s younger than me.’
‘And…therefore lacks life experience and conversation,’ she shot back.
‘Funny, that’s what older women used to say to Richard having never met me. Anyway she has long dark hair…look, you’re just not getting it,’ I said, laughing at her resignedly.
It didn’t matter what negative comment I could throw at her, she would throw a positive one back to make me feel better. This was probably what I needed from her, because my own confidence was dwindling by the day.
‘If he ends up back in New York we could both lose him,’ I said, feeling a dull ache, which was staring to feel like an emotion attached to me like some clingy lapdog these days. But strangely it was as though I knew I couldn’t have him and was getting used to him having this girl around. If Anthony Hope’s old novel was to mean anything, then she had to be the one my Anthony Hope finally marries. I wanted it to be her rather than anyone else, even if I was insanely jealous. But until he did get married I considered it fair game to fantasise about being with him on that isolated beach, twiddling a wedding ring that had never remotely interested me until now. Lately, I’d also started daydreaming about us sitting somewhere quiet in the open country, and in between sensual kisses we were sketching the scene before us; comparing our work to see who had drawn it better.
Thinking of kissing Anthony and the betrayal involved also reminded me that I’d forgotten to tell Maddy about Richard finding the paper with all the things about number eight, our birth dates and references to the old novel. I filled her in on the whole uncomfortable tale.
‘So, rather than tell the truth…you’ve now got to write a whole fuckin
g book,’ she said, after I’d finished filling her in on the details.
‘Great…so we’re all going to be in a book…written just to cover your ass. You could write a book on how to complicate your life with words. I’m pretty sure I would have come up with a far easier excuse.’
‘Yeah…well, I might really write a book. I could write a whole fucking book on you and Steve alone,’ I said, teasingly.
‘Another good excuse not to get a job…that could keep you busy for another couple of years…probably take you into retirement if you drag it out,’
‘Ha ha.’
‘Anyway – so that was it? Richard just accepted that as an explanation?’
‘Yeah pretty much.’
‘No fucking way Steve would’ve.’
‘Richard did. But anything is plausible with me. To suddenly announce I’m going to write a book is no different from me suddenly announcing I’m quitting my job to go to university. He’s used to me.’
While I gave her every last detail on my latest debacle, her Internet went down again. I was reluctant to head home, because waiting for it to come back up was like Richard sitting and watching the football scores come in on a Saturday afternoon. I didn’t want to miss it – I wanted to get that strange Status translated. But while I was waiting I decided to make use of my time and pulled from my bag the broadband letter.
I impatiently worked my way through the endless touch phone options, until I eventually got to a human being, only to be told that the account had been cancelled. A new direct debit (Richard must have set up, not me) had failed to go through before Christmas and delays with the mail meant the payment reminder letters hadn’t reached us.
‘A week?’ I heard myself almost scream down the phone. ‘You are telling me that you have input the wrong account number into your system, cancelled my account without considering the effect of Christmas holidays, and now you’re telling me you’re going to take a week to sort your errors,’ I said. ‘I need my Internet. I can’t do my work without the Internet, this is going to cost me money,’ I lied, in utter despair but my lie got me nowhere. It was going to take a week and that was it.
I put down the phone with force and then looked sheepishly at Maddy, hoping she would understand why I was feeling so demonstrative.
‘I want to kill Richard. Why did he have to change the bank?’
‘I’ll be seeing a fair bit of you over the next week, then?’
I eventually tore myself away from Maddy’s laptop and went back home.
The day wore on and after tidying up, I noticed that Elyse’s rainbow paints were still on the table. I picked up the sponge brush and ran it along three of the colours, drawing a sweeping eight on a piece of paper. Then I had an idea and pulled out the telephone directory from one of the kitchen drawers; we may not have the Internet, but we did have a fax machine.
Language Courses & Schools, Tutoring I read.
I dialled the number at the top of the list and a young girl answered.
‘Is there anyone there who can speak German?’ I asked. ‘Or a language similar to German? I added in desperation.’
‘No, sorry. There are no tutors here right now.’
I thanked her and then continued looking down the list of possibilities, until I eventually found a lady who actually spoke German, rather than wanting me to sign up for an entire course. She sounded mature and kind.
‘I wonder if you could help me?’ I began. ‘I’ve received an email from a potential German client and I’m not quite sure if I’m translating it correctly. It is very short. I could fax it through to you…?’ Fingers crossed she would say yes.
‘No, problem,’ she said and gave me the fax number.
I painstakingly wrote the words out:
Es gibt Grobe Macht in wortern, wenn sie zu viele von ihnen zusammen nicht festmachen.
Then sent the fax. I’d almost forgotten how to use one; it had been that long.
I had a reply an hour later:
Doing a literal translation word for word isn’t possible and strangely it is as though it has been put through one of those on-line translators, from English to German. But in this case, reading between the lines, it appears to be a quotation by Josh Billings which I took liberty to check on the Internet for you: “There’s great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.”
Strange thing for a potential German client to send to you?!?
But hope this helps.
Kind regards, Maureen.
Cringing at her comments, I sent anther fax back thanking her, and then looked at the words.
Great power in words – does he mean great power in my words?
If you don’t hitch too many together – my letter was rather long – is that what he means?
So…my numbers may mean something to him after all? Perhaps there is power in my numbers?
But then, on the other hand, he’s in a band and a band sings lyrics – what if he’s leaving the band and finally going home? If a member leaves there won’t be so many hitched together and he might be saying that they’ll be better off without him…
I was no nearer deciphering the message even if I now knew what the German translated as.
15:30. He would be rehearsing now, if he was still in the band…damn, how the hell was I going to survive a week without my Internet?
By the time Richard came home from work I was pacing around like an addict gone cold turkey.
‘Why are you behaving so over-the-top about your Internet?’ Richard said, laughing. ‘Are you sure you’re not having cyber-sex on there or something?’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ I said, moving the fruit bowl four inches to the left. Did you mess with my Internet account deliberately?’ I finally snapped.
‘Christ…no I didn’t. Sometimes there’s no talking to you.’ he said and left me alone in the kitchen to stew.
I was totally incapable of sitting down and chilling out. If the pacing had been constructive it wouldn’t have been so bad. But it wasn’t – it was totally aimless. I was doing nothing more than moving things around from place to place. Even the reminder letter from the finance company, asking Richard for a fifteen thousand pound balloon payment went from the top of the fruit bowl into the drawer, where I couldn’t see it.
The next day I was back at Maddy’s, but being subjected to heavy cigarette smoke two days on the trot had started to block my sinuses, giving my head a heavy, underwater feeling – but I was happy to tolerate it.
The laptop was on the arm of the sofa. I was still waiting to find out what was happening with Anthony. I’d even checked the band website; but there was nothing on there about anyone leaving.
Maddy went to fetch Steve’s laptop. She logged onto her Facebook and we posted messages to each other, whilst sat no more than two feet apart. Maddy’s friend Ivana also logged on from her home and joined in with us to finalise arrangements for her birthday bash. I managed to lose the best part of the day at Maddy’s, munching my way through chocolates and biscuits, as though I was on a stakeout! Just before I left I caught Anthony’s next update…
Anthony’s found out he’s going to be an uncle…big sis is having a baby! Mom is going nuts with joy.
Was that it? I thought.
‘Surely that can’t be his big announcement?’ I said out loud, but Maddy was too busy on Steve’s laptop to notice what I was looking at on hers.
I felt glad that he was going to be an uncle, but his joy reminded me of yet another reason why I could never be with him: I knew that he would make a great dad someday but I didn’t want any more children.
Anthony needed to be with someone younger than me.
I left a Status Update, which said…f ANTastic news! X.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
On the day that Richard got his new car, I tried my best to think of something nice to say about it.
‘It’s got heated seats, and take a look at this Sat Nav…it’s loads better than the Merc’s
,’ Richard said, as William and Elyse bounced around on the back seats.
‘Yep…it looks good,’ I said, barely registering it.
‘And now Blue will be able to come on days out with us…we can all go out as a family.’
I nodded, half-heartedly.
‘I couldn’t expect your mum and dad to take out a huge lease on a car…and I still think this is better…it’s more useful…with kids you need a practical car,’ he said.
Mum and Dad had to take out a lease on Richard’s behalf, because of all the financial gloom hanging over him with the bank and legal case – he couldn’t get finance on a new car at a reasonable rate and his Mercedes had been sold; the cash from it having been sent to the finance company.
A few days or so later I had to take my own car on a trip to the other side of the city, to sign a legal document. I followed a car with the Christian fish symbol stuck to the back bumper for the latter part of the journey. It struck me that I now honed in on them; even the AIDS and breast cancer awareness ribbons were in the shape of a fish.
At the solicitors I waited in reception and then was shown in to an office.
‘I just need to explain all the legal ins and outs,’ the solicitor said, from behind a stack of green boxes. ‘You do know that the document is so that the bank can have the second charge on your house?’
‘Yes…I do.’
‘So, this form gives the bank the power to repossess and sell your house and they can do this without negotiation.’
I knew that if I refused to sign the form, Richard would be completely stuck. So…I signed the document, wondering how the hell I’d managed to get my life into this state. Everywhere I turned I had no choices and everything was so damn compli- cated.
I handed the solicitor the cash for his services and, once outside the building, I decided that I may as well sort out Richard’s Valentine card while I was near some shops.
It was always hard to buy Richard cards, as he was not My Husband; he was technically still somebody else’s.
In the end, I selected the same as usual, one saying: To The One I Love. It had two cute bears on the front, hugging each other and said little which was how I felt.
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