I smiled, because on his Wall was my window of opportunity to spend a day with him.
I looked into his eyes.
His profile picture was still the one of him in the Infinity Club on the day he met his girlfriend.
What if I take my chance to spend the day with him and end up totally humiliated by him? I thought, as I remembered the harsh words of his reply to my insanely long email..
I sighed and, feeling shivery, jumped off the bed to turn the air-con off. I then opened the patio doors to let in a less chilly, gentle breeze through the voile curtain instead. As I headed back to the bed, the door opened and William walked in, followed by Richard who dropped the beach bag on top of the pile of suitcases. I hushed them, pointing to Elyse.
‘Get your swimming shorts and goggles…here’s your towel,’ Richard said to William.
And then he stood by the patio doors, watching him go and find Henry, Steve and Maddy – they were sitting by the edge of the pool.
‘I’m nipping to the loo. You can tell me how the trip went it a sec,’ I said.
I walked back out to find Richard with his reading glasses on, looking at the laptop I’d left open on the bed.
‘I presume this is Steve’s laptop
‘Yeah…Maddy lent it to me,’ I said, while I attempted to slyly turn it away from him.
‘Then why is Anthony Hope on the screen?’
I squirmed, ‘He’s just giving everyone a chance to go to some posh event at his boss’s house somewhere in Surrey…it’s all in aid of charity. I was just having a nosey at it…nothing important.’
Richard pulled it back in his direction and continued to stare at Anthony’s photograph. The event was going to start off with champagne and canapés in the grounds of the house, and included a hot air balloon ride mid-afternoon, and then in the evening a formal sit down dinner, while Anthony and his band, and a few other bands, performed. The best bit about it was that a comment on his Wall had indicated that his girlfriend was unable to make it.
‘He really does love himself doesn’t he,’ Richard stated after studying Anthony’s photo. ‘Are you sure you don’t fancy him?’ he then said.
‘I don’t fancy him. And he doesn’t love himself, he’s probably no vainer than me,’ I said, while also staring at the photo.
He looked good on it – you could see the faint stubble which emphasised his jawline.
‘Anyway…he’s got a girlfriend – she’s Irish. Look…I’ll show you the pictures if you don’t believe me,’ and just like I did with Maddy, I forced him to view some of Anthony’s photos.
‘Why are they always posing together, do they think they’re the Beckhams? God he really loves himself…just look at him pose…! But I still think you fancy him,’ he said, in a teasing tone and definitely not the tone of someone suspecting an online game with another man. Unless it was a double bluff?
‘Well, for your information, I don’t fancy him. Anyway, what do you think about his girlfriend?’
‘She looks quite attractive. Nice hair I suppose,’ he said, before finishing off the last of my Evian.
‘Attractive? You wouldn’t like her…she’s tall,’ I said bitterly and slammed the laptop shut.
‘Christ…why are you being so nasty?’ he snapped.
I wasn’t exactly lying to Richard when I said I didn’t fancy Anthony. Because, technically, I didn’t fancy him - I foolishly believed myself to be in love with him, and that by definition is different.
By the pool, I felt myself sinking into the thick cream mattress, shaded by one of the bamboo parasols. The soft breeze floating over my almost bare flesh made it feel like Anthony was delicately caressing my body. The tingling sensation of the air became the tingling sensation of his lingering kisses.
Should I take the chance and go to the event?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Early morning sunshine made its way through the roof light windows.
It was good to be back in my own bed.
I turned on to my other side and the red glow of light on my eyelids vanished once I’d buried my head under the covers.
The electric-blue dress scooped elegantly round my neck, dropped low at the back and fitted perfectly around the bodice area and was encrusted with tiny beads. The fabric was light and floaty and trailed slightly longer behind me. I caught a glimpse of my blue shoes as I strode past a few people that sat at different tables in the garden. I didn’t really notice their faces. The house was a grand country estate, like the house of our former boss at Opus, and there was only me and Anthony – no Richard.
I walked towards the glass doors heading from the terrace. Anthony was wearing his sunglasses and grinned at me.
I continued to make my way towards him; head slightly lowered, eyes looking up. I was smiling and hiding my shyness behind my hair as it fell forward.
As I got closer to him, he appeared to get taller, and then he spoke: ‘I can’t believe it’s you…you actually did it, Little N,’ and he pulled me to him, holding me securely. I could smell his aftershave – but I knew I would forget the scent the minute the dream was over.
Feeling pressure from the mattress against my hip, I turned over again and pulled the quilt even tighter round my body, replaying the dream once more, only this time, when I got to the door, his girlfriend unexpectedly breezed through it and stood towering above me. Her presence engulfed me like an oppressive dark shadow and I was unable to break through it and reach Anthony. Her cascading dark hair and sleek black dress made her look elegantly gothic. Her force had left me weakened and damned. I opened my eyes.
A few hours later, I found myself at Wonderland down the road, trying to kill yet another day of the school holidays with Maddy.
I sat and watched Elyse play with the diggers in the sand pit and, for a little while, I crouched down next to her. I drew an eight with my finger and retraced it several times over. Then I wrote cuckold.
Why would somebody send a single poisonous text and then never bother us again?
Who on earth would have such a morbid interest in us?
I got up and sat on the bench where I was more comfortable, and discreetly observed all of the women around me watching over their own children – at least half were grandparents.
The sullen mood I’d managed to pull myself into followed me back home. I stood reading through William’s rules that he’d recently posted on his bedroom door; painstakingly written in fountain pen.
READ BEFORE YOU ENTER
No girls allowed.
Boys rule.
Girls suck.
Boys rule the world.
Did you know that girls sob most of their life?
My mum can’t sing at all
Neither can my little sister
I walked back downstairs, thinking about William’s emphasis on boy’s ruling; he’d listed it twice. As for girls spending most of their lives sobbing? I tried to think of the number of times William had ever seen me cry – it was very few. Surely he meant Elyse; she was allowed to cry, she was four. And does William really think my singing is that awful?
Richard having finished work early noticed the particularly miserable look on my face. He followed me through to the kitchen then asked if William and Elyse had played me up.
‘No…they’ve been fine,’ I said, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl.
‘So what’s up with you then?’
‘Nothing,’ I lied and took a bite from the apple.
‘Do you want tea, I’m having one?’ he said as he pulled a mug down from the cupboard.
‘No, thanks. Actually…I’m not fine. Have you read the notice on William’s door?’
‘Yeah, it’s quite funny isn’t it?’
‘Yes it is but…Richard – I don’t have any choices in my life – that is what is really bothering me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Even if I didn’t want to be here, I have no choice in the matter. I couldn’t support myself.’
‘That’s ridiculous. Thousands of women live as single mothers,’ he said, pouring the hot water into the mug.
‘Yeah, but their kids might suffer…’
‘So…don’t you want to be here?’
‘I’m just saying that l feel trapped.’
‘You’re being ridiculous.’
‘I’ve never married, because I like my door open. But my door isn’t really open. The reality is that I am trapped. Even if I wanted to leave I couldn’t. And it’s that bit that eats at me. The fact I don’t have a choice. All I really wanted was financial independence. And I don’t have it.’
‘You’re just being stupid,’ he said.
‘I had a crush on Ilex’s Administrator…James,’ the confession dropped from my mouth.
Perhaps I was offloading one guilt to help ease the other.
I’d suddenly gone off the apple.
‘A crush? Did you have sex with him?’ The unfinished tea was now left stewing on the side. His eyes had a look of fear and his brow had knotted.
‘No, it was just a crush. A stupid feeling – like I wanted to kiss him, that’s all. I’m over it now…the crush is long gone.’
Richard’s face eased, ‘Well, I guess a crush is harmless. Why didn’t you tell me at the time? You didn’t kiss him did you?’
‘Of course not. But I told Maddy about it.’
‘When?’
‘When you were thinking about retiring. I promised her then I’d talk to you…but I’m a bit slow getting round to things and I’m sorry.’
‘What’s me retiring got to do with it?
‘I was scared about you retiring.’
‘But I’m not retiring…really. You know full well that if the court case doesn’t get dropped, the bank doesn’t behave reasonably, and the Inland Revenue continue to drag their heels over the tax scheme, then I might as well go bankrupt, walk away from it all and live off my pension funds that they can’t touch, until I’m out of it. But I’m not giving up. I’m simply finding the most logical way through all the dross. So…this James thing, is this what has been eating away at you?’
‘Perhaps. I don’t know,’ I said, still hating to hear Richard mention the possibility of bankruptcy, even though I knew it made financial sense.
‘Well, perhaps the crush thing was my fault. I pretty much left you to deal with the Ilex Drapes thing on your own. I wasn’t really there for you when I should have been.’
‘But you’re dealing with stuff that I’m not dealing with now. Yes, I admit it still does make me wonder why the hell you got us in so deep, and why you never saw the credit crunch coming,’ then I stopped myself. I hated myself for throwing it back in his face. Because I knew he did everything with the best of intentions even if he did take risks I would never have taken. But then I could never achieve what he had.
‘Maybe it was just the stress at the time,’ he said.
Then he laughed before teasing me about wanting to kiss a 21-year-old. I think he was secretly relieved that he was dealing only with a crush.
‘I think you’re right – we need to get away together. Just the two of us,’ he added.
‘I’ll speak to Mum about having William and Elyse,’ I said.
‘Good…all I want is you back. You’re just so cold. You freeze when I go near you. It’s like you’ve got an emotional wall around you,’ he said.
‘I know and I’m sorry. But you seem to suddenly want an affectionate lapdog – and I have never been that.’
‘Yes, I do love that about you. But a bit more affection would be nice right now.’
‘I am trying, but you can’t turn a natural cat into a dog because it suits you.’
‘Just give me a hug now and then,’ and he grabbed me. ‘Look, you’ve frozen again. You need to sort yourself out…otherwise you will end up as a single mother,’ he said, suddenly.
I turned away then walked out of the kitchen, trying not to let him see me crying. I needed to sort out the rest of the things for a camping trip with Maddy. I took the list from my handbag as I walked upstairs. Most items had already been ticked, but I still needed a bottle opener. I didn’t want to go into back into the kitchen so I got Richard’s Swiss Army knife from the bedside drawer instead, that had a bottle opener on amongst other things. I put the list in my cream jacket pocket. I was still wiping tears away as I tried to carry on normally. How bad could taking just one day be?
Richard was shouting something up to me, so I hung my head over the banister.
‘By the way the police were here earlier,’ he said matter-of-factly.
‘The police?’ I questioned. It surely had something to do with the text message I thought optimistically. Why hadn’t he mentioned it earlier?
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I’m not sure whether I was baffled or incensed by Richard. Baffled probably had the slight edge. He was quite right to point out that I sometimes walked around as though I had blinkers on, but as far as my car went, I got in and drove, I got back out and I locked it. I’d also been parked at Wonderland on the edge of a row which meant I didn’t even see my car from the front or back, only the side which is probably why I hadn’t noticed my registration plates were missing. The police had knocked on our door after the local petrol station had reported a drive off from one of the pumps. Apparently in the hours leading up to the fuel theft someone had nabbed my plates specifically for the job. Fortunately CCTV footage and vehicle registration documents proved we were not party to the crime. But the bugbear I had with Richard was the fact that there had been a police officer stood in our house, drinking our tea and Richard had been given the perfect opportunity to report, or at the very least quiz the officer about a text message being sent without a number trace to his phone.
And Richard had not taken that opportunity.
It was irrelevant to me that the officer had told him that there had been a spate of make-offs triggered by rising fuel prices in the recession.
‘Besides, the police have got far more important things to deal with than isolated text messages of no significance,’ Richard said while trying to change the batteries to William’s remote-control Ferrari. I could see he was using the wrong screwdriver but said nothing.
‘You know I care about that text. I don’t care that my car is without reg plates,’ I said petulantly. ‘The two have to be connected – my car could have been targeted deliberately.’
‘Don’t be daft. Why can’t you just forget about that fucking text?’
‘I still think you were behind that text, Maddy is right.’ I snapped.
‘You can think what you want. You’re wrong. I’m going out with the dog,’ he said slamming down the screwdriver and disappeared into the utility followed by Blue. I felt bad, almost evil for even thinking ill of Richard and let out a helpless sigh before sorting out William’s Ferrari with the right screwdriver. I drove the car at the wall in frustration and stopped before it smashed against the skirting board.
I shook my head as I stuffed the front page of the Daily Mail into the study drawer. The headline had read: “Curious and Curiouser.” and it also featured a cartooned version of the Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling looking like Alice in Wonderland. It was the paper’s response to the budget having a chance of pulling the country out of the mire. I saved it because it made me feel safe in that I wasn’t the only one feeling like they were surrounded by madness. I looked at my watch –9:30 and I needed to go, I was meeting Maddy in twenty minutes. I dragged Blue off our bed, checked that all the doors were locked and got in my car, heading for Gossips.
The door creaked when I pushed it open, and I breathed in the comforting smell of homemade cakes and pastries; my empty stomach rumbled. I could see Maddy at the farthest table; her hair was pulled back and her face was bereft of make-up, as she had just done the school run only one off from wearing her PJs which she frequently did. But she still looked a lot calmer and more fresh-faced that she had in a long time.
Steve h
ad finally been given a June trial date. The charges, as expected had been dropped against Maddy. For most people this probably would have been a terrifying prospect, but it was the limbo that had been slowly killing them, and at least now they would soon be able to plan their life again.
I ordered my favourite cheese and mushroom omelette and a pot of tea and made my way over to her.
‘We might be off to some posh event in Surrey,’ I said as I pulled the chair out. I had a big grin on my face.
‘What?’
I explained the charity event to her and the way that I had booked the tickets.
‘Let me get this right. You have paid Anthony Hope three hundred quid for three charity tickets just so you can spend the day with him. But instead of booking them as yourself…you’ve done it as Nell Gwyn?’ she said, leaning back, as though madness was catching.
‘That’s right.’
‘So…how the hell is he supposed to know it’s you?’
‘If my instincts are right, he will get that Nell Gwynn is an alias for me. I left a hint on my Facebook and I did mention the old book in that letter I sent to him.’
‘And if he doesn’t get it?’
‘Then I’m wrong about him playing a game with me,’ I said.
‘So…when do you get the tickets?’
‘They’re e-tickets, so by email…the event isn’t until late August.’
‘You’re crazy,’ she said, as she tried to get a third cup of tea from her pot. ‘Why are you so convinced that he’s playing this game with you? I’m not,’ she said with narrowed eyes.
‘I accept I might not be interpreting everything right but there are too many coincidences…other than when he’s promoting some gig or other, the coincidences are continual. Things like me recently calling his short Rome trip a bit of a ROME-ance and he went and posted a video of a skier calling it taking the piste. Get it?…I was taking the piss out of him.’
‘I get it,’ she said with a sigh and stirred the tea-bag around the pot.
‘And when you called me a vain cow, he went and found a picture of a cow. And when I put Richard on the front of one of my photo albums he went and became a Fan of your old man is an ass-hole,’ I said.
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