‘What if … what if the flame grows into a raging fire and finally burns the house down?’ he replied, sliding down to her bare full breasts pressed against his chest. He licked and kissed the tiny strawberry mark above the right nipple. It made her shiver in delight.
‘We need to talk,’ Akash said, as he kissed the tip of her shoulder and looked into her eyes.
‘Not tonight, please. Tonight I just want to make love. Let’s be naughty,’ Sagarika replied, lying on her back and slightly thrusting her ripe and full breasts upwards. ‘Tomorrow. Promise. We’ll talk.’
Akash knew there was no point trying. He began to gently suck the nipple closer to his mouth and let his tongue flick on the strawberry mark. Sagarika closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure.
35
‘What does this relationship mean to you?’ Akash asked Sagarika as soon as she slid into a chair at breakfast the next morning. The night had been a long and passionate one, but it was now time for some hard talk.
‘Can I at least take a sip of the coffee before you begin?’ Sagarika replied. She poured herself some and let the cup warm her fingers. She took a sip.
‘I don’t know, Akash. Do you?’
‘No. I don’t.’
Akash realized it had been easy rehearsing the conversation on the balcony, alone. But the actual talk was proving to be far from easy.
‘We can’t just go on like this … have great sex when convenient. I agree, that’s how it started but somewhere along the way…’ Akash paused, looked at Sagarika, hoping she would reaffirm what he was saying.
‘Do you love me?’ Sagarika asked. ‘Do you see a future ahead for us?’
He hadn’t anticipated this question, not in this direct a manner. He faltered: he didn’t have a clear answer.
She nodded. ‘I agree, it can’t go on like this. But…’
‘But what, Cheeni? Did you think this is how it’s going to be forever? You and I meeting whenever convenient for you after you have completed your wifely obligations? Lie to your husband and have a friend covering for you?’
Sagarika winced. The words hurt, but they were true.
‘We can’t continue like this,’ he said.
‘You make me feel like I’m the slut in this relationship,’ Sagarika snapped. ‘You were in it for fun too. Just sex and conversation – those were your exact words.’
‘Cheeni, I’m not denying that … because that’s what it was in the beginning. But since you asked me about the future, why don’t you tell me: can you leave Rishab? Can you give up your life with him, for this?’ Akash swept his hand towards the room.
‘Before I answer, I need you to tell me if you’re ready to commit to this relationship. Do you want to? I cannot leave Rishab unless I’m convinced that it’s no longer just about the sex and conversation. I need to believe that you’re committed to me … to us,’ she said. ‘Are you?’
Akash was silent. There were no easy answers in this world. He barely made enough money to get by himself. How could he add Sagarika to his life? The life she led, would it not be a huge downgrade for her? And the biggest dilemma was: did he even want to change his life and make Sagarika a part of it? Was he ready to commit? He really didn’t have an answer.
‘Let’s give each other some time. What say?’ Akash asked, finally.
She nodded. Her eyes said something else.
Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t go.
Akash stood up and pulled Sagarika out of her chair, into his arms. She held on to him tightly. He buried his head in her dense curls. How would he ever let go?
‘I’m very fond of you, Cheeni. You are the most special thing in my life,’ he said.
Sagarika smiled back. Her eyes were moist.
‘I know, Chikoo. You are my sweet, stupid Chikoo. My favourite. In the whole world.’ She ran her fingers through his soft and silky hair. She wanted him to tell her to leave Rishab and be with him. But he didn’t. Something deep inside told Akash that it was the end of the road for them.
‘Akash, I don’t…’ Sagarika started to say.
‘Don’t say anything, Cheeni.’
Their future remained undecided. Akash was to leave for Delhi that evening for a freelance project.
‘I’ll be in Delhi for ten days,’ he told her. ‘I’ll look up my folks and maybe go to the hills for a bit; haven’t been away in a while. I could be gone for a month.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ Sagarika said. She checked her purse and took out her car keys. ‘I will use the time to paint,’ she said, not looking at him. Just the idea of him gone for over a month made her feel sad, empty and lonely.
Both acted as if it were a normal day. But the shadow of the big decision loomed large and neither wanted to think about it. They hoped that time would help resolve everything.
Akash didn’t walk her to her car as he normally did. He hugged and bid her goodbye at his apartment door.
That day when they went their own ways, dismissing their relationship as a mere flash of passion that had gone on for too long, they couldn’t have been more wrong. Little did they know that they would not be seeing each other for a very long time – and this absence, distance and the sense of loss it brought with it would change their relationship in more ways than one.
Sometimes you need to lose everything to recognize what matters the most.
36
I will not allow her to do this to me. Everyone will laugh at me.
Rishab was a mess and could barely focus at work. The intense workout in the gym hadn’t helped. The image of Sagarika with a man, possibly the one man he wanted her to avoid, was maddening enough. What drove him over the edge was his inability to confront her – it would reveal his devious web of deceit and control.
I had everything under control. She forgot the past. I kept everything away from her. Took her away from a familiar environment. Everything was going fine. Why is it all slipping out of control now?
The voice in his head was getting louder. He had snapped at a number of people at work. By the end of the day he felt even more miserable, realizing he needed some release. He called Deepa.
‘Reaching your place in thirty. Be there.’
A mortified Deepa was in the middle of a seaweed massage. She sprung out of it, yelled for a towel and headed for a shower ignoring the protest of her masseur. She didn’t want to piss off Rishab further, though she hoped she had redeemed herself somewhat by sending him Sagarika’s photograph with that man. She was pleased with herself at having bribed Sagarika’s driver and gathered information about her whereabouts.
‘Pour me a stiff one,’ Rishab said as soon as he entered Deepa’s hotel room. ‘I had a very lousy day.’ He plonked himself on the sofa and started undoing his tie. Deepa handed him a glass of scotch on the rocks and held out a plateful of food.
‘Wheat crispies with hummus … just the way you like it,’ she said, smiling and tilting her head. She sat next to him, pushing one elbow back and thrusting her cleavage up. The tight strappy top clung to her firm breasts, perky and aroused. She wanted him to know, rather, see, the effect he had on her.
Rishab allowed himself a smile. His first in days.
Why can’t Rika forget everything and seduce me a bit?
He hadn’t come to terms with her refusal to get intimate. It felt like a rejection – she was rejecting him. Nobody rejected Rishab; he had left that phase far behind.
‘Rishab, you aren’t listening to me,’ Deepa said seductively. ‘I think I dropped an olive … take it out for me. Please…’
‘Where have you dropped it?’
She pointed towards her cleavage. She had popped an olive between her breasts and teased him to get it out using his tongue. She even smeared some hummus on her navel and made him lick it. She knew how to get a man in the mood and make him forget everything. By the time she tore out the strappy top and poured some whisky on her breasts, Rishab was hungrily devouring her.
A few minutes later, while savo
uring her dusky naked body, his mind snapped.
Is this how Rika is with him? Taunting, seducing and seductive? Why doesn’t she like me? What have I not given her? What have I deprived her of? She’s mine. She can’t be anyone else’s. SHE IS MINE AND ONLY MINE.
‘Rishab, you are hurting me. Stop,’ Deepa said suddenly, gasping.
Rishab’s thoughts were in a different orbit though. The body was Deepa’s, but the woman he thought he was pounding was Sagarika. ‘I want to hurt you,’ he said. ‘I will hurt you. You bitch. You can’t leave me. You wouldn’t.’ His eyes blazed with anger as he thrust deeper and deeper into her, pulling her hair, slapping her across the face and pinching her skin till she screamed.
Deepa tried to push him away and pelted his back with punches which he barely felt. He was too powerful for her. She began howling in pain. The more she cried and begged him to stop, the more he enjoyed punishing her.
She began praying for it to end.
37
Meet me again. Please. I leave tonight.
Sagarika sat alone in her apartment in Gurgaon looking at Akash’s message, aching to agree but worried about the consequences.
Akash sent her another message:
We’ll have a quick lunch. Please.
He wanted to see her again. Though they had decided to give it some time, he couldn’t help thinking about Sagarika, her company, her smile, her full-throated laughter, the way she flung her arms around him, their bodies blending, kissing, making passionate love, sometimes slow, sometimes wild and lying in each other’s arms…
Back in Mumbai, he often walked around the city aimlessly, visiting the same places he and Sagarika used to frequent. Sometimes he’d board a local train and travel till the last stop and return. Every now and then he daydreamed about walking down a road and suddenly meeting her.
Can that happen? Will I ever see her again? If I do what will I say to her?
Every day he promised himself that he would not think of her, he would not miss her. ‘She walked away. So will I,’ he reasoned. But as the days passed and all attempts to contact her failed, his resolve waned. The worst time of the day was twilight. The gradual fading of light, the approaching darkness – it only meant more melancholy and loneliness.
He had finally accepted the truth: he was in love with Sagarika. And she had left without even a goodbye. He had often wondered if he had been too harsh on her; he felt he may have crossed the line by accusing Sagarika of using him for kicks.
For him, the months that followed had been a slow decline into misery. But the day he spoke to Sagarika on Facebook and came to know she was still there, somewhere, things had changed. God had decided to give him another chance. And after meeting her at the flower show, he realized he wanted to see her again.
For Sagarika, the meeting with Akash had made at least one thing clear: he was someone special. Of all the people she had met since the day she woke up from coma, she had felt most comfortable and at peace with him. His arms, the scent of his perfume, his warm embrace – this is what home must feel like, she thought.
She tried to remember what Dr Sharma had told her: ‘Sometimes you need to forget everything to recognize what matters most.’
Is Akash the most important thing in my life? Is this why all the memory flashes I have are about him? The scent of the perfume which drives me crazy … it’s the scent of his perfume. The scent of my past…
The excitement and tension made for a heady cocktail and she texted him back:
Ok. Let’s meet.
38
She has taken care to dress up. That’s a good sign.
Akash stood near the entrance of New York Pub, a watering hole in the Grand Foyer building in Gurgaon. From where he stood, he could see Sagarika come up the escalator and walk towards him.
In fitted black trousers, a tomato-red jacket and a printed scarf wrapped around her neck, she almost looked like the earlier Sagarika. But only from a distance. As she came nearer he could sense her nervousness. She was clutching her purse tight and kept looking around herself as if to make sure nobody was following her. Akash felt a lump in his throat which he gulped down and forced himself to smile. When he waved at her she offered half a smile and walked faster towards him.
‘Is it safe for us to meet … like this?’ she asked him nervously. ‘What if Rishab…’
‘Nothing will happen,’ Akash said, reassuringly. ‘This pub gets packed only in the evening. Now it’s almost empty. Nobody comes here at this time. And stop worrying so much, Cheeni. I’m here with you.’ Smiling, he held her elbow and led her inside.
After placing their order, Akash looked at her wistfully. This woman in front of him was the love of his life and he had taken a bit too long long to realize it.
‘So tell me,’ he said, ‘what does a person who has forgotten everything do all day? Do you wake up in the morning and mutter like some Bollywood heroine of yesteryears … Main kaun hoon, main kahaan hoon?’
Sagarika didn’t know if he was serious or teasing her, but both of them burst into laughter. He took her palm in his and asked about her health. He heard her patiently. He could see that she felt at ease talking to him. Sagarika also felt that it was relaxing being in his company.
‘Tell me about us,’ she asked. ‘How did we meet?’
Akash knew this was a question that must have been bothering her since the day they met at the flower show. A born storyteller, he narrated their story beautifully. She now felt sad at the thought of him going back to Mumbai.
‘I wish you weren’t leaving so soon,’ she said.
Akash reached out and held her. He could only imagine what she was going through.
Then Sagarika remembered the thing she’d decided to ask him.
‘Do you know Deepa? Deepa Chowdhury? She’s my cousin. Rishab brought her to the hospital. She visited me often in Mumbai and called me regularly in Gurgaon till a weird thing happened,’ she said.
‘I don’t remember you ever mentioning any Deepa. You spoke about all your family members, friends, Roohi in particular, but never any Deepa.’
‘Roohi … does she have a lot of tattoos? And a funny haircut?’
‘Yes, she had lot of tattoos. I don’t know about her haircut. I haven’t meet her.’
‘Why didn’t you meet my best friend?’ Sagarika asked him. Akash had no answer to this question.
How do I tell her that we were lovers? And she was a married woman having a clandestine affair with me.
In his narration of the story of how they met, Akash had carefully left out some key details.
‘Akash, I may have lost my memory but not my understanding of the situation. I realize the nature of the relationship we shared…’ Sagarika said, at a loss for words, afraid to look him in the eye.
‘We loved each other a lot, Sagarika. We were best friends first and then the rest happened. Please don’t think less of yourself, me or what we shared.’ It tore him to think that she was embarrassed by the truth of their relationship.
‘Listen,’ he continued, clearing his throat. ‘All this is secondary. First and foremost is your memory loss. Why aren’t you remembering more? It’s been over a year. This is cause for worry. And by the way,’ he said, after a pause, ‘I don’t trust your husband.’
Sagarika couldn’t tell him that she felt the same way. She didn’t even trust Deepa any more. The way she rushed away that day at the mall and how she had not received any calls from her after that.
Rishab is keeping her isolated so that she has no help from anyone and is compelled to depend on him. She’s vulnerable, has forgotten everything and that psycho is taking advantage of that. Who is this Deepa?
Akash felt sick in the stomach even thinking about it. He decided not to mention anything to Sagarika lest it scared her. But he decided to do a few things of his own to help her.
‘So here’s the thing: I’m not going back to Mumbai, as was the original plan,’ he said. ‘I’ve thought a lot about it an
d I’ve decided to stay back. I’m going to connect with your best friend and ask her to come here with your mother. It’s time you’re surrounded with people who love you and care for you.’
Sagarika was a little taken aback by this information. She was relieved to know that Akash would be around, but she wasn’t sure about how she would be in the company of her mother and Roohi. What new revelations about her past would come to the surface, she wondered.
‘Cheeni, everything will be all right,’ Akash assured her. ‘You have nothing to fear or worry about. I want you to do something for me. When you go back home, message me the names of the medicines you consume every day. I want to know what you’re being fed.’
‘Why? Am I being poisoned or drugged?’ she asked, alarmed at the thought of such a possibility.
‘I didn’t say anything like that. I just want to know if your pills have any side effects. Just relax. Don’t worry.’
‘What I hate about the whole thing is being so dependent,’ Sagarika said. ‘On Rishab, on you, on others. I don’t like being taken care of like this.’
Akash decided to steer away the conversation. He explained to her carefully what to say when Rishab asked her about her day. He was certain Rishab was paying the driver and the maids to keep an eye on Sagarika.
‘I have a small gift for you, Cheeni. Please don’t refuse.’ Akash took out a beautiful silky from his bag and handed it to her.
‘It’s beautiful. Feels so soft.’ Sagarika caressed the fabric.
‘It’s a Satya Paul. You loved buying these. Quite a collection you had.’
‘I … it’s…’ Sagarika was hesitant to accept it, but couldn’t tear her eyes away from the scarf.
‘Please don’t refuse. I bought it for you.’
As the two departed after lunch, Akash saw her walk towards the escalator. She turned back to wave at him. She had wrapped the scarf around her neck. He waved back. He wanted to rush up to her, hug her tight and not let her go. He wanted to whisk her away to Mumbai, the city where their memories lay. But he knew all that would have to wait.
A Forgotten Affair Page 13