I wanted Nicole, but it was more than obvious to me now that I was too sick for her. I could never be what she wanted, even if she did accept my blackness. It was selfish to take from her when I could never give in return.
Twenty minutes later, I emerged from my room, but only because I had an apartment full of people—some I didn’t know—and most I didn’t trust. Being around others was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t shut the party down … not when the guys were having such a good time.
“Hey, man, it’s about time you joined the party again.” Nate winked.
The guys at the table beamed up at me, obviously thinking I’d left the room to get laid. If only they knew. They’d never understand if I told them I turned her away. They’d think I was crazy, and they’d be right. I was insanity as its finest—sick and demented—broken and black.
I sat at the table and joined the card game. My hand was shit, so I set my cards on the table and watched the people in the room. It was amazing how easily people lived their lives without worry—without sadness—without haunted memories that would never release them.
The minutes ticked by, and soon, the room came alive with the chants of a countdown.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
I sat in the corner and watched everyone live their carefree lives as they brought in the New Year—a new chance. It was supposed to be a time for new beginnings, but I couldn’t start over. I was trapped in the same place I’d always been—locked inside my mind with no way out.
All around me, there were smiles and laughter, drunken jokes and joy, but I wasn’t a part of any of it. It was my apartment … my party, but I’d checked out the minute Nicole left.
I wanted to be lighthearted like they were. I wanted to step away from all the bad and disappear into the sea of goodness they seemed to be swimming in. So when a girl I didn’t know came by with two hands full of shots, I took one and downed it fast.
The liquid burned my throat, choking me and making me gasp, but as soon as I could breathe again, I grabbed another. Followed by another and then another. My throat was raw from the liquid’s fire, but I pushed through, willing to feel its pain in order to bring forth the numbness that helped me survive.
I drank hard, downing shot after shot and chasing them with beer. It wasn’t the smartest move, but I knew it would work. I didn’t want to feel anything, and I knew the shots would make that happen. Either that or I’d die in my sleep from alcohol poisoning. Either way, I was free.
The room began to swim in front of me, the table tilting right before my eyes. My face went numb, and my lips began to tingle. Thankfully, my heart followed, and the breaks didn’t hurt anymore. All feeling went away, and I found myself laughing and smiling with everyone else.
My body was still strung tight, begging for a release I knew only Nicole could give me, but it was too late for that. She was long gone, and even if she weren’t, I was back to having a clear mind. I was back to understanding that being inside Nicole was never a possibility. I wasn’t good enough for that pleasure.
The party thinned as people began to go home, but the guys and a few stragglers stayed behind, playing poker and having a great time. The shots kept coming, and at one point, I knew I should stop myself, but I’d used my last bit of control when I’d asked Nicole to leave my room.
So when a blonde who was eyeing me throughout the night came and sat on my lap at the table, I was too drunk to tell her to get off me. I did manage to keep her hands off my body, but I couldn’t do anything about her grinding her ass against my hardening dick. I was too out of it—too into it.
I tried to keep my cock down, but it was human nature. I hadn’t had sex in a while, and between the way she was rubbing against me and the amount of alcohol in my system, I was a lost cause.
Things moved fast and in flashes of cognition. One second, I was at the table with Nate and the guys, losing all the money I’d won earlier in the night. And the next, I was lying in bed while a blonde who looked remarkably like Nicole straddled me.
She tugged at my jeans, pulling them down over my hips and exposing my hard flesh to the cool air of my bedroom. I didn’t stop her. Instead, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and imagined it was Nicole.
When I felt soft kisses move across my hip, it was Nicole kissing me. When I lost my fingers in long blond hair as she began to suck me off, my fingers were tangled in Nicole’s hair. And when I grabbed her hips and helped her settled over me, it was Nicole’s hips I was grabbing.
It was Nicole’s body I was entering—her warmth—her everything. I closed my eyes and let her take over completely. Her fingers moved under my shirt, skimming my scars and bringing tears to my eyes with the memories that rushed forth, but I didn’t stop her. I couldn’t. My body was too heavy—my mind too foggy from the alcohol.
She rode me fast and hard, her breathy pants filling my room as she pushed me closer and closer to the edge. My fingers bit into her hips as I helped guide her up and down—over and over again until I was leaning up moaning in pleasure.
“You’re so amazing,” I said, looking up into the blonde’s face, but it was Nicole’s eyes staring back at me.
“You feel so good,” she breathed.
She moved faster, her body tugging sweetly at mine until I felt my balls tightening in pleasure.
“Nicole,” I whispered. “You’re everything … everything.”
“My name’s Melissa.”
I heard her say the words, but I struck them from my memory instantly. There was no Melissa. There was only Nicole.
And then my body took over, shutting my mind down as I came harder than I ever had. I heard myself repeating her name as I released.
Nicole.
Nicole.
Nicole.
But when I came down from my high and opened my eyes again, Nicole wasn’t on top of me. I leaned up on my elbows, freaked out by what had happened to me. I’d lost my mind—my insanity won out. I looked at her unfamiliar face until I couldn’t look at her anymore and I had to turn my head. When I did, my eyes moved to my bedroom door.
Standing there with tears flowing down over her cheeks was Nicole. She swiped at her tears before turning and running away.
“Shit! Nicole,” I called out, tossing the woman on top of me to the side.
I jumped from the bed and yanked my jeans back over my hips. The room shifted and spun, making me grab onto the dresser by the bedroom door. Once I could see straight again, I ran into the living room only to find that everyone from the party had left.
I saw the back of Nicole, her blond hair swishing against her shoulders, seconds before she was out the front door, slamming it behind her.
I followed, tripping over trash on the floor and fighting the dizziness that seemed to be crushing me, but when I made it to the parking lot outside my place, I’d just missed her as she pulled away.
She was gone.
She’d obviously seen what I’d done.
And like I’d promised before I asked her to leave, I’d hurt her once again. I’d continue to hurt her. It was what I was good at. It was all I knew. I didn’t even have to try. I just had to exist.
She’d never speak to me again, of that I was sure, and I couldn’t blame her. I’d never been worthy of her time—of her. And now, after seeing me at one of the lowest points of my life, she probably realized that exact thing. She probably realized everything I’d been trying to tell her for the last few months.
I was black—tainted and disgusting—contagious. And if she stayed close to me for too long, she’d catch whatever it was I had, and her life would be ruined. I never wanted to see that happen.
FOURTEEN
Nicole
I SAT IN the car for a while, not ready to go home and not ready to go back inside Tyson’s apartment. I watched from the driver’s seat as the party goers slowly left, trickling out like a slow leak, stumbling and drunk from a good time.
>
It was wrong to leave this way. I wanted to at least check on him and make sure he was okay. It was going to be hell to return to New York, but I knew it was going to be even worse if I didn’t go inside and see that he was okay.
Finally, I climbed from my car and started inside his apartment. The door was cracked open, and when I pushed on it, it revealed no one was inside. The apartment was a mess, bottles and red Solo cups littering the space.
Good.
I wanted to be alone with him so we could talk things out, and I could leave on good terms.
I closed the door behind me and worked my way through his place. A noise sounded from his bedroom so I started in that direction. I was sure I’d find him back there completely unaware that his front door had been wide open.
His bedroom door was open, the lights inside his room on, and when I stepped through the doorway, the tiny pieces of my heart that’d he put back together earlier in the night shattered.
He was having sex with another woman. She bounced on top of him, her hands touching him all over without complaint, as he stared up at her as if he were in a daze and she was the most amazing creature he’d ever seen.
The air punched from my lungs, and I doubled over, sure I was going to be sick. Then I heard him whisper my name, and I knew he’d seen me standing there. But when I looked up, he was still staring at her—still gazing into her eyes in pleasure.
He repeated my name, and I realized he was talking to her. Her name was Nicole, too, and he was crying that name out in pleasure, stabbing me each time until I felt dead inside.
I was glued to the spot, even though I wanted nothing more than to run away and never look back. I couldn’t look away as he moaned in pleasure and repeatedly called out her name—my name. And then he came, and a look of absolute rapture moved over his face.
I’d never forget that look for as long as I lived. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d see that look.
And then he was looking at me, and I regained my ability to move.
I ran until I couldn’t run anymore. I didn’t remember going through his apartment. I couldn’t remember the trip from his apartment to my dad’s car. And the drive home was also a mystery. It was as if I’d gone from standing in his doorway to lying in my bed with tears draining down the sides of my face and staining my pillow.
My phone buzzed, a single text message lighting up my screen.
I’m sorry.
Tyson had been wrong about one thing. Earlier in the night, he’d promised he’d hurt me. He didn’t hurt me. He destroyed me—murdered me—took the girl I once was and choked the life from her body. Nothing was left but a shell of what I’d been—a shell going through the motions of life.
I LIED TO my parents and told them I had to go back to New York early to meet with my advisor. I hated to lie to them. It wasn’t something I often did, but if I didn’t get away from all things Tyson, I was going to snap.
I managed to find an early flight, leaving out on New Year’s Day, which I’d heard was next to impossible.
“I’m not sure I like this very much,” Mom complained. “What’s so important at this meeting that you have to travel on a holiday?”
Tugging my suitcase behind me, I pulled my jacket tighter around my waist to keep the cold air out.
“I’m not sure. She didn’t say,” I lied once again.
“I was hoping for at least one more family dinner before you left to go back to school. It’s not often I have all three of you together anymore. Tyson works a lot, and now, you’re in New York.”
I felt terrible that my cowardly decision to run away from the things that hurt me was hurting my mom, but it was too late to back out now. I was going to be boarding soon, and I’d already lied on top of lies to get to that point.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
It was the only thing I could say. It wasn’t like I could explain the situation. And even if I could’ve, I wouldn’t have wanted to.
I’d never been more grateful that I’d earned my parents trust over the years and because of that, they didn’t push for more information as we waited together until it was time for me to board.
Once they called for my flight, we said our goodbyes through tear-filled eyes, and I walked away from my parents feeling as though something strong was pulling me back. It was the strangest feeling, but I pushed through and put one foot in front of the other.
As I handed my ticket over to the attendant, I heard my father calling out my name. I turned to face him as he jogged up to me with a worried expression.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I just wanted to tell you one more thing before you left.”
He was out of breath from running, and I nodded and waited until he caught his breath and was able to speak again.
“We don’t know what happened, but we know you’ll survive. Whatever it is you’re running from, just know your mom and I will always be here for you. We love you.”
I fell into his arms once more, breathing in his security, knowing that my father was one of the few people in my world I could trust explicitly. It hurt to leave my family, but for the first time since I started school, I was happy to get away.
My dad was right. I was running. And if it were up to me, I’d never see the person I was running from ever again.
“I love you, too, Dad. I’ll call you when I’m settled.”
He kissed me on the cheek and leaned back with a smile. His blue eyes twinkled back at me full of pride. It was a look reserved only for me.
“Okay, sweetie, have a nice flight.”
I walked away with a weight on my chest and the breath being squeezed from my lungs. I thought my situation with Tyson was weighing me down, but it was something much bigger—something that would rock my world so completely I didn’t know if I’d ever breathe again.
FIFTEEN
Nicole
A CAR ACCIDENT.
That was what took my parents away from my brother and me. I’d barely gotten settled in after the holidays. I was barely making it through my choreography and classes, my mind so full of all things Tyson and the things that had gone down during my winter recess.
But everything seemed so small and insignificant once I received the call that wrecked my entire life.
I thought it was my dad calling. He usually called every day to check on me. I thought I’d have an in-depth conversation about my classes, and he’d update me on everything going on back home. I thought Mom would pop on after I talked to Dad, and she’d proceed to tell me all about her new crafty project before instructing me to call if I needed anything.
That wasn’t what I got.
Instead, I got my fourteen-year-old brother, Brian, bawling uncontrollably as I tried to pick through his mumbled words. But once his words began to clear and I could understand what he was saying, my mind went empty and black, shutting down to protect itself from destruction.
Mom.
Dad.
Dead.
A head-on collision with an eighteen-wheeler took my parents. They were pronounced dead at the scene.
“Come home, Nikki. Please come home,” he cried. “There are police officers here. Tyson’s on his way, but I need you, Nikki. Please.”
The thing about our little family was, it was exactly that … little. As in, there were no grandparents or aunts and uncles. There was only Mom, Dad, Brian, and me. There was no one to come to our house in Charleston and keep an eye on Brian while I made the proper preparations to go home. No one but Tyson and he was the last person in the world I wanted to bother.
Home.
I needed to get home as soon as possible.
I was the oldest, and the only person left in the world that Brian could depend on. I didn’t want to think about what steps I needed to take next, but I knew things were about to get bumpy in our lives. I would have to deal with everything, but first, I needed my brain and my heart to understand what was happening.
“I’ll be there as fast as I can,” I muttered
into my cell. “I’m coming, Brian.”
And when my cell went black, I dropped it on my bed and let out the breath I’d been holding.
I stood in the middle of my room, staring out the window at the buildings across the way. The situation was real. I wasn’t having a nightmare. My parents were dead, and Brian needed me. He needed me to be calm and collected. He needed me to get home and take care of him, but before I could do that, I had to break.
And that was how Amber found me. Apparently, I’d called her. I didn’t remember calling her, but she was there, holding me as I bawled on the floor. Sobbing as I grasped a teddy bear my parents had bought me when I was five. Like a baby, I cried and hugged my teddy, not ready to deal with everything I knew was coming my way over the next few days.
My parents were all we had. We were closer than any other family I’d ever met. My dad was my guidance, and my mom was my best friend. I could tell them anything. They were always there for everything. I wasn’t sure I could survive without them, but I knew I had to at least try. I had to be present, and I had to get through this.
For Brian.
Using the emergency credit card my dad had given me, I booked a flight back home and packed a bag. Something in the back of my mind whispered that I should take everything I owned, but I didn’t have time for that.
“Are you sure you don’t need me to come back with you?” Amber asked, wringing her hands with tears in her eyes.
My parents were like parents to her, accepting her and understanding her ways of life even better than her own parents who had forbade her every dream.
My parents loved Amber, and seeing as how I could tell she was only being strong for me, she loved them.
“No. You have that exam coming up. Mom and Dad would want you to ace it.” I tried to smile, knowing what I was saying was right.
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