“Wow. That’s amazing.” I smiled. “Thanks so much, Tyson.”
He cleaned his hands with a dishtowel, and the side of his perfect mouth lifted into his signature grin.
“My pleasure.” He turned away from me and wiped some water from where he’d been working on the floor. “You know if you need anything, all you have to do is call, right?”
Again, his eyes fell on me, making my chest feel tight.
I nodded. “I know.”
And I did.
I knew no matter what, Tyson would always be there, but that didn’t mean I wanted to call him. I didn’t want to bother him, and I hated feeling dependent on him.
“Good.” He grinned. “Well, now that my job here’s done, I guess I’ll head back to my place.”
He stepped around me, moving to leave the kitchen, but even though I was still hurt by him, I felt bad sending him home so early in the morning—especially since he still had his own room in the house.
Not to mention, the idea of sleeping in the house alone freaked me out. I’d stayed here alone many times before, but it was different now. The house didn’t feel as safe as it used to, and sometimes, it didn’t even feel like home anymore.
“Tyson,” I called his name, making him pause. “You should stay in your old room tonight. You’re exhausted. It’s late. The last thing any of us needs is another car accident.”
His eyes connected with mine, and even though I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I let him see me, and I knew he could see everything I was thinking—the pain I was still feeling.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded; swallowing my nerves and making the pit of my stomach feel weak. “I’m sure.”
Tyson went to his room, and after turning everything off and making sure the doors were locked, I went to mine. But I didn’t go to sleep. Instead, I did the same thing I did every night … I let the wall drop and felt everything I couldn’t feel during the day. I laid there, and I cried.
My pillow soaked up my tears and muffled my cries, but still, it wasn’t long before I heard a soft tapping on my door.
I sat up in bed and wiped quickly at my tears before Tyson opened my bedroom door and stepped inside my room.
He didn’t speak. He didn’t even turn on a light. Instead, he crept across my room, crawled into the bed beside me, and wrapped his large arms around my body.
I wasn’t sure why I allowed it, but his warmth unraveled me, making be break once again. I cried harder than I had since the first night without my parents. I cried for everything—their loss and the loss of my life. I cried for Brian and for Tyson and all the things I’d seen. I let it all go, and he held me close the entire time.
“It’s okay,” he whispered into my hair. “Let it out. I’m here. I’ll never leave you.”
Tyson had never held me that way, but then again, Tyson was doing many things these days that were unlike him. I was seeing him in a whole new light—some of that light not showing good things. Suddenly, memories of New Year’s Eve washed over me, and I was seeing him and her all over again.
I clenched my eyes tightly, trying to fight the visions of his pleasured expression and his hands on her flesh, but they played behind my lids like a horror movie.
I hadn’t gotten closure for that night. Soon after I had returned to New York, I was being called home because my parents were dead. Part of me knew I needed to get my frustrations about that night out just as much as I needed to cry for my parents.
“What’s wrong with me, Tyson?” I asked into my pillow.
His arms tightened around me, and when he breathed, his breath rushed over the back of my neck.
“You’re sad, but I promise it’ll get better.”
“No.” I sniffed. “I mean why her? Why not me?” I asked, knowing he’d understand my questions right away.
I felt him go tense behind me, and I knew he understood I was talking about New Year’s Eve—I was talking about seeing him have sex with another girl after pushing me away.
“It wasn’t you, it was me,” he answered.
I chuckled sarcastically through my tears. “Yeah … It’s not you, it’s me. Typical letdown, right?”
“No. It’s the truth, Nicole. It’s not you.”
Another round of tears escaped my lids when I closed my eyes. “It’s me, Tyson. It’s always been me. I guess I’m not good enough for you or something. I threw myself at you, and you made me leave so you could screw another girl. Am I that unattractive?”
He’d once told me I was beautiful. The look in his eyes made me believe him, but slowly, I was falling apart. I saw myself differently than I always had, and what I was seeing was a run-down girl with a broken smile.
He sucked in a breath with my words. “You’re not serious.”
I nodded, debating whether I should turn and face him.
“I’m serious. I’m a mess—a crazy mess.”
“Nicole, you’re perfect.”
He’d said that before, but obviously, he was only being nice.
If I was so perfect, then why was he constantly pushing me away?
Why was I not good enough?
I shook my head; any words I might have wanted to say got stuck in my throat.
“It’s the truth. I’m sorry for what you saw that night. I’m so sorry, but you have to know, it doesn’t matter what girl I was with, she was always you. Whenever I was with them, I’d close my eyes and see you. I held you, I kissed you, and I drowned myself in you so many times I lost count, but no matter what her name was, she was you.”
Tears pooled in my eyes, and I tried to pull away from him, but he held me firm.
“I even called her Nicole,” he admitted.
I gasped, remembering him calling her by my name, but thinking that we’d shared the name.
“Her name wasn’t Nicole?” I asked, feeling the tears rush over my face.
“I have no idea what her name was. She told me, but it didn’t matter. You’re all I saw.”
“Then why not just be with me? It’s all I wanted then.”
Then.
I wasn’t sure if I still wanted him, but I had to admit that it felt like he was healing tiny parts of my broken heart with his words.
“Because you deserve better than me.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but the words stalled on my tongue when I felt his nose nudge the back of my neck. His breath bathed my skin with heat, sending chills down my spine.
“In my mind, you’re mine,” he whispered, sending another shockwave over my body. “You’ve always been mine, but the truth is, I don’t deserve you.”
His words broke my heart. He didn’t know how wonderful he was. Even with a broken heart, I knew he was a good guy with a beautiful spirit.
Why couldn’t he see the same?
“You are good, Tyson,” I whispered into the dark space in front of me. “I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.”
“No. There are things about me you don’t know. I know I’m not good. I know my soul is black, and the last thing I want to do is ruin you, but I can’t control myself with you. I want to. I try so hard, but I just can’t.”
My heart was drilling inside my chest, making me feel dizzy even though I was lying down.
What if I want you to ruin me?
The words whispered through my mind, but I couldn’t voice them. Already, he’d pushed me away so many times. I wasn’t sure I could take it once more.
“What is it about you? What do you do to me?” he asked.
I shuddered, his breathy words making the hairs on the back of my neck prickle.
The shiver that moved through me made my entire body shake. Without knowing it, I’d needed him to take my mind off all the bad, and he’d come into my room and done just that.
All I could think about was his words and the way he felt behind me—holding me—keeping me safe from the sadness in the house.
“Tyson.” I whispered his name and moved closer t
o him, hoping his mouth would touch my skin.
He didn’t disappoint.
He pressed his warm lips against the skin beneath my ear, and my body shook with weakness.
“I know one day you’ll find someone,” he whispered. “And I know it’ll kill me when that happens. But I want you to be happy with all the things you deserve in life. I’m not one of those things.”
I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. He didn’t pull away, but he adjusted his arms around me, pulling me even closer.
“You don’t think I deserve you?” I asked.
He sighed against my cheek, his sweet breath rolling over my lips. “You’re a good person, Nicole. You deserve good things. I’m not a good thing.”
Turning in his arms once more, I faced him. A tiny bit of moonlight moved over his face, allowing me to see him.
“Why do you think that? What happened to you to make you this way?”
I’d never come right out and asked, but I knew even before the question left my lips that he wouldn’t answer. Tyson never let anyone in, and I wasn’t any different.
His fingers moved to my cheek, the pads of their tips lightly feathering my skin. His eyes settled on mine, and then he said something that shocked me.
“I killed my father.”
TWENTY
Tyson
THE SECOND THE words left my mouth, I wanted to pull them back and swallow them. I’d never said it out loud before, and saying it made it feel even worse.
I was a murderer—a vile creature—a taker of life, yet I was here holding the woman I loved more than life itself.
She wasn’t safe with me.
What if I hurt her?
What if the darkness in me took over and I took her away from this world too?
It could happen.
Obviously, I was capable of it.
Her eyes moved over my face, watching my expression as if she weren’t sure if I was serious.
I was.
“Your father overdosed, Tyson. That had nothing to do with you. You shouldn’t blame yourself.”
I shook my head. Sure I’d lose her forever after my confession, I forged ahead because the moment felt right. I’d harbored a deadly secret for seven years, and it was slowly eating me up inside.
Maybe if Nicole knew the truth about me, she’d understand I wasn’t purposely trying to hurt her. Maybe, she’d see I was really protecting her … from me.
“No.” I shook my head. “I did it. He asked me to shoot him up, so I did, but once he was out of it and lying on the couch, I gave him more. I knew what I was doing, Nicole. I killed him.”
The moonlight spilling in through her window reflected in the pools of tears in her eyes. Sinking her teeth into her lip, I could see her debating on how to respond. Something close to fear touched her expression, and it sickened me. I never wanted Nicole to be afraid of me.
“You said before he was a bad man,” she whispered. “What did he do to you to make you kill him? Because I know you, Tyson, and I know you’d never hurt another human being unless you absolutely had to.”
The memories reared their heads with her questions, flashing through my mind and knocking the breath from my lungs.
Needles.
Fingers.
Pain.
My father.
Needles.
I gasped and clenched my eyes tightly.
I could never tell her the disgusting things they did to me. She’d never look at me the same. Her mind was too innocent to know the horrors of the terrible things that went on outside her safety zone, and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin her views about people and life.
“I can’t tell you,” I said, hoping she’d let it go.
I should’ve known better. I’d let her in just a tiny bit, and she was running with it. Nicole wasn’t one to let things go, and I knew she’d continue to pry until I told her everything. Releasing such a horrid detail about my life meant she’d want to dig deeper, but I wasn’t sure how deep I was willing to let her go.
“Did he beat you?” she asked her voice soft and calming.
I nodded, and her eyes watered a bit more.
I didn’t want her crying for me. She’d done enough crying.
That was the reason I’d come to her room. I could only lie there so long and listen to her cries before instinct took over, and I knew I needed to hold her and make it better.
What I hadn’t planned on, though, was opening up about my past and releasing details that could potentially send me to prison.
I trusted Nicole would keep my secret, but I worried she’d never feel safe with me again. That was the last thing I wanted.
“Among other things,” I answered.
Her eyes widened, and her lips trembled. I hated upsetting her, but Nicole had always wanted in—she’d always wanted to know me, and I felt like my talking was taking her mind off the things making her sad.
Whatever I had to do to make her stop thinking about her parents for a just a while … I’d do it.
“I’m sorry those things happened to you, Tyson, but you had to do what you had to do. Something tells me if you hadn’t killed him, he would have killed you.”
I nodded.
It was the truth.
I wasn’t sure how much longer I would’ve survived the life I was living. I was small and fragile, and mentally, I was a mess. I still was. But I know if my father or his ‘friends’ didn’t kill me, it wouldn’t have been long before I killed myself if it meant getting away.
“You’re not bad, Tyson. You’re a survivor. You’re brave.”
At that, I felt tears prickle my eyes.
I shook my head.
“I’m not. He told me. They all did. I’m dirty, Nicole. I’m so fucking dirty.”
I was cracking, and it was unexpected. Things were getting out of hand. I’d gone to her room to comfort her, but here she was, comforting me—making me open up—taking in my darkness even though I’d fought with it the most over the years.
Her palm touched my cheek, and I jumped, the memories being too fresh and close to the surface to handle any touching.
“Let me,” she whispered. “I’d never hurt you. Not ever.”
She moved her thumb over my cheek, and I closed my eyes, loving and hating her touch at the same time.
“Who is they, Tyson?” she asked.
I was so lost in her touch I didn’t understand the question.
“What do you mean?”
Again, her thumb swept over my cheek. “You said they told you that you were dirty. Who are they?”
I swallowed and closed my eyes.
Answering her question would mean opening up completely—it would mean stripping all of my walls down and letting her walk through and take a tour of my mind. I couldn’t do that.
But then I opened my eyes and looked into hers. The love I saw there was the same love that had been there for the past seven years. From the first moment I’d laid eyes on Nicole, I knew she was special. She didn’t disappoint … ever.
I could trust her. Technically, I’d always trusted her, and I knew, even if my mind tried to trick me, she’d never hurt me.
The words rolled over my tongue, only getting stuck once before bouncing from my lips.
“My father’s dealers. When he couldn’t afford to pay them, he let them use me for payment.”
I didn’t say any more.
She didn’t need the details of the things they did to me. I could see it in her eyes. She understood what I was saying. A tear slipped from her eye and rushed over her cheek. Reaching up, I caught it. It was mine. She’d cried that tear for me.
“I’m sorry you went through that,” she whispered. “But they were wrong, Tyson. They were the dirty ones … not you.”
She leaned up and over me, forcing me onto my back. Then her hands cupped my cheeks, and her eyes captured mine.
“You’re everything to me,” she said. “You always have been. For most of my life, I’ve
wanted to see all of you, and now that I can, I know one thing.”
“And what’s that?” My voice cracked.
“You’re amazing. I love you, Tyson,” she whispered, making my heart slam to a stop.
She looked me dead in my eyes when she said it, and no matter how badly I knew I should, I couldn’t look away from her.
Then I opened my mouth to say the thing I’d wanted to say from the first moment I saw her, but I’d never told anyone I loved them. Not in my entire life. I wasn’t even sure if I knew how to say it. I just knew I felt it, and the feeling was so overwhelming I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
She smiled down at me. “You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know.”
I’d just opened my heart and soul to her—I’d admitted that I’d killed the man who made me—and still, she was smiling at me and confessing her love. It was the most real moment of my life—the most beautiful.
Reaching up, I cupped her cheek and felt the warmth of her flow through my body. My eyes moved over her face, taking in her perfect nose and landing on her luscious lips, and I knew I had to taste them.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” I warned.
Her face lit up seconds before I leaned up and pressed my lips to hers.
TWENTY-ONE
Nicole
TYSON HAD BEEN sexually and mentally abused when he was younger. I’d always known that. All the signs over the years pointed to that, but hearing him say it was crushing. For years, I wanted Tyson to let me in, and he’d finally done just that.
What started out as him comforting me turned into so much more. And as he kissed my lips and ran his hands down to my waist, I knew things had shifted between us yet again.
The anger I’d felt toward him miraculously disappeared, even if the hurt of seeing him with someone else was still there. But the more he kissed me, the more everything else faded away, and the more my body and heart responded.
He kissed me hard, turning us until my back was against the mattress, and he was leaning over me. He broke the kiss, allowing me to take a deep, needed breath, and then he pressed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes.
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