The thing to remember, in our quest to do right by our children and by ourselves, is that while we struggle to conform to an ideal or to achieve a goal, our life is happening around us, without our noticing. If we are too busy or too anxious to pay attention, it will all be gone before we have time to appreciate it.
The irony is, of course, that by thinking about mindfulness, I could just be setting up another unattainable goal, another way to fail at this impossible of jobs. A Good Mother is a mindful mother. A distracted mother, what is she? Surely you know by now: a Bad Mother.
But still, perhaps it’s worth the risk.
Even if I’m setting myself up for failure, I think it’s worth trying to be a mother who delights in who her children are, in their knock-knock jokes and earnest questions. A mother who spends less time obsessing about what will happen, or what has happened, and more time reveling in what is. A mother who doesn’t fret over failings and slights, who realizes that her worries and anxieties are just thoughts, the continuous chattering and judgment of a too busy mind. A mother who doesn’t worry so much about being bad or good, but just recognizes that she’s both, and neither. A mother who does her best, and for whom that is good enough, even if, in the end, her best turns out to be, simply, not bad.
* The program’s called Making Math Real. It’s incredible. Sitting in the room during one of his sessions, I learned my six times table for the first time in my life.
Acknowledgments
With profound gratitude to the Mesa Refuge in Point Reyes, California.
To Mary Evans.
To Meredith Maran, Peggy Orenstein, Sylvia Brownrigg, Nancy Johnson, Peter Barnes, Daniel Handler (whose idea this was in the first place), Cheri Hickman, and Sharon Chabon.
To Kate Moses, Camille Peri, Emily Nussbaum, Lauren Kern, Daniel Jones, Lori Leibovich, Gary Kamiya, Tom Dolby, Melissa de la Cruz, and Ilena Silverman.
To Carmen Dario, Xiomara Batin, Megan Cody, Erin Gepner, and Simone Cohen.
To Phyllis Grann, Jackeline Montalvo, Alison Rich, Julie Sills, and Steve Rubin.
And especially to my mother, Ricki Waldman, and to my husband, Michael Chabon. They are responsible for what’s best in me.
Readers’ Guide
Questions for Discussion
The author begins by quoting some of the unattainable definitions of being a “good mother” that doom women to fail in the pursuit. What are some definitions of “good mother” that you’ve come across in your experience? How do you think society defines a good mother? Do you agree with the author that these expectations are generally too high?
What do you consider a responsible, attainable ideal of a modern mother?
Are you familiar with any of the blogs the author mentions—Salon, UrbanBaby, or other similar sites? What is your experience with them?
What do you think of the author’s declaration that she loves her husband more than her children? Is there a hierarchy in your household among spouse, children, home, self? Do you think there is a right way to organize affections within a family?
Discuss the idea of being honest with one’s children. How far do (or would) you take this in your home? Where would you make exceptions?
The author concludes by saying that her parenting goal, rather than to be “good,” is to be “mindful.” Can you summarize your parenting goals in a single word (or phrase)? Do you think it is important to have a guiding principle like this?
The author describes her evolving relationship with her mother-in-law as having been initially tainted by jealousy (her own), and then improving as the children were born. Have you gone through anything like this? Do you think the mother-in-law was as guileless as the author claims in this evolution?
In reference to Zeke’s ADHD diagnosis, the author discusses her feelings that the facts of family are sometimes disappointing when compared to our unrealistic expectations. What are your expectations for your children? Which ones derive from your children themselves and which from your and your spouse’s traits and experiences? Are you fair to your children with regard to your expectations? Do you think the concept of “fairness” applies here?
Discuss the author’s difficult experience with Rocketship. Why does she choose to include such a detailed description of the events in this book? Do you consider the decision to terminate the pregnancy to be a parenting decision? Were any of the events and decisions she shares surprising or helpful to you?
The division of labor in the household is an important theme in the book—in terms of both the author’s actual experience and the statistical information she cites. How does this play out in your family? Do you and your partner discuss these issues, or just let them determine themselves? What are your jobs in the home?
The author describes at length her feminist upbringing, and how her home in liberal Berkeley, California, helped shape her outlook on motherhood. Similarly, how did your upbringing, either liberal or more conservative, contribute toward who you are as a parent?
What do you make of the author’s opinions on optimism vs. pessimism? What are the relative benefits of each? Does one’s optimism or pessimism play into the idealized role of a “good mother”?
Are there any passages in the book you would like to share (or have already shared) with your partner or friends?
What lessons do you take from the book? Were any passages particularly meaningful to you? What do you think is most useful about the book, and about the author’s philosophy?
Why do you think the author chose to write this book? Do you think it was successful in its aims?
AYELET WALDMAN is the author of Daughter’s Keeper and Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, Salon, New York, Elle, Vogue, and other publications. She and her husband, the novelist Michael Chabon, live in Berkeley, California, with their four children.
DOUBLEDAY
Copyright © 2009 by Ayelet Waldman
All Rights Reserved
Published in the United States by Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.doubleday.com
DOUBLEDAY and the DD colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
A version of Bad Mother appeared in New York magazine. Portions of Bad Mother were originally published in another form in the essay “Motherlove,” which was originally published in the collection Because I Said So: 33 Mothers Write About Children, Sex, Men, Aging, Faith, Race, and Themselves, edited by Camille Peri and Kate Moses (New York: HarperCollins, 2005). “Breast Is Best” and “Legacy” first appeared, in different form, in Salon. “Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle,” “My Mother-in-Law, Myself,” “Drawing a Line,” “So Ready to Be the Mother of a Loser,” and “Baby Lust” originally appeared in Salon. “My Mother-in-Law, Myself” appeared in I Married My Mother-in-Law, edited by Ilena Silverman (New York: Riverhead, 2006). Portions of “To Each His Own Mother” first appeared in Cookie. “Darling, I Like You That Way” originally appeared in Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: True Tales of Love, Lust, and Friendship Between Straight Women and Gay Men, edited by Tom Dolby and Melissa de la Cruz (New York: Dutton, 2007). Elements of “The Life I Want for Them” first appeared in Child and on All Things Considered.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Waldman, Ayelet.
Bad mother : a chronicle of maternal crimes, minor calamities, and occasional moments of grace / by Ayelet Waldman.—1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Waldman, Ayelet—Family. 2. Authors, American—21st century—Biography. 3. Authors, American—21st century—Family relationships. 4. Motherhood—United States. I. Title.
PS3573.A42124Z46 2009
813′.54—dc22
[B]
2008036543
eISBN: 978-0-7679-3216-5
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