by Marilyn S
_____
I did it. But now I am having second thoughts. What if she gets really mad? It seemed like a good idea while I was doing it, but now I am thinking about how mean she can be and how horrible it was when she was mad at me on Thursday. I wonder what she will do? What if she gets REALLY mad? I think I better go fix it.
_____
Oh G-d, I think I may be in trouble. When I went up to make the bed I saw I had made bit of a mess on their duvet so I got a damp cloth but that just made a wet spot so I was going to get a towel to try to dry it but they came home right then. Luckily I was already downstairs but there is a big wet spot on the duvet and this diary was on the couch and I just know I looked guilty. I just hope they don't...
Someone is coming up stairs!
_____
I feel sick. It was awful. She was really angry and she has taken Kendal away and she did it all in front of Ryan which just made me want to die. When she pounded on my door and I answered she grabbed my hair and dragged me into my bedroom. Then she told me to get my vibrator and when I had him she grabbed my hair again and pulled me down stairs and into their apartment and then up to their bedroom. Ryan was sitting in the chair and I was so aware of him watching when she pulled my hair until my face was right over the wet spot.
"What is THAT?" she demanded and what was I supposed to say. I couldn't think of what to say.
After she asked a few times I finally managed to say "I made a mess"
"On MY bed?!" she yelled and I nodded. I think I was crying by then. I don't remember. Then she asked me what I had been doing, over and over again but I couldn't say it. Not with Ryan there. So I just cried harder which made me feel more stupid. She finally gave up and said she knew what I had been doing, "jerking off" and made me admit it and then called me a dirty little slut and told me to clean it. I couldn't even tell her that I already had so I went and got the cloth again and a towel. I could feel them watching me and wished I was dead. I must have been beet red.
I feel like I want to throw up. Why was I so stupid? It is bad enough about Mrs Barnabas, but that he was watching it all, too, is just too much.
Oh, this is crazy. I have got to stop this. I don’t understand what is happening to me. How could I have been doing that in their bed? I mean, it is just totally crazy. I feel totally obsessed. It can’t be good for me. But do I want to stop? Could I stop if I wanted to? I feel like she has a hold on me. I think I would have to move. I don’t want to move. No, you don’t want to stop. You are loving this. G_d, I hate myself. It just keeps getting crazier and I feel totally out of control. But I think I like feeling out of control. I think my problem is that I do not feel as if she is in control. Like she does not know when to stop. When enough is enough. I wish she would just go slower. It is all just too much for a little person to take all at once.
It's crazy. I am going to give my notice. It is almost the end of the month. I wish I didn’t have to live here for another 60 days, but I will just have to be strong. And besides, I really don’t want to move right away. It will be better to have some time to get used to the idea.
Sunday, March 26, 2000
I am so confused. It all made perfect sense last night but now it is all confusing again.
I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with her talking to me through the wall saying “Marilyn, are you awake? Are you listening? Marilyn, Ryan is fucking me up the ass, Marilyn”
I mean, who wants to be woken up like that. It wasn’t just that she was telling me, it was the sing-songy tone. Like teasing. Well that, and she was grunting the whole time.
I tried putting my hands over my ears but then...
well I don’t know why but I took them off. I guess I wanted to hear what she was saying even more than I didn’t want to hear. I don’t even remember going into the bedroom, but most of what happened I was right at the wall.
She kept telling me how good it felt, then she asked if I wanted to know a secret. She kept asking until I finally yelled “no! Go away!” but she just said “yes you do. You want to know this secret.” And I suddenly realized how well she knows me cause yes, I really did want to know her stupid secret. And I knew I would not like whatever it was but I wanted to know anyway, just so I could not like it. She wouldn’t tell me until I asked her though and I was damned if I was going to do that. But she just kept talking and talking and finally I just asked her to shut her up.
She said that she had Kendal and he was “titty fucking” her and pretty soon he was going to go down on her and wasn’t it unfair that she had two boys and I didn’t have any and did I miss my boyfriend.
She is such a bitch!
Then she started asking me if I was playing with myself, which I wasn’t. Well, I mean obviously I wasn’t but I wasn’t even grinding. She may know a lot about what I am thinking, but she does not know that cause she kept asking if I was fingering myself. It felt really good that she could be wrong about something. She kept bugging me to tell her if I was until, like always, I just snapped and told her to shut her up. But then she started telling me to. Oh, and also how good Kendal felt cause I could hear him. She said she likes thinking of me alone and desperately fingering myself while she was getting fucked by both her husband and my boyfriend. She also said that Ryan likes to think of it too and would I like to show him how I do it.
Well I had been grinding a little up until then but picturing having to do it in front of him, having him see that I can’t even do that right, suddenly I didn’t care if she won and I rolled over and started humping my wrist feeling totally pathetic and it took a long time, but finally she kept asking if I would like it, telling me it was okay to admit it, and stuff until I screamed “yes” and started crying and then she came and then he came.
Maybe 10 minutes later, the phone rang. It was her. She told me I had been a good girl and asked me if I had come. I was so drained I didn’t even care about telling her I didn’t. She was being very nice to me and asked if I was not able to without Kendal and I just told her not usually. I felt so empty that it just did not matter what I told her. She told me it was okay that I had not come because they had both come huge and that was the important thing, but that she would let me use Kendal later if I wanted. And what did I say? “Thank you, Mrs Barnabas”
Thank you for letting me use my own vibrator. And the thing is, I meant it. It actually felt like she was doing something nice for me.
G_d, it's Oscars night and I am supposed to go over to Dee’s in time for the Red carpet and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. Oh well, maybe it will be good just to get out of here.
_____
She just called to ask if I would like to use Kendal. No. No, I really don’t. At the moment I feel like I don’t care if I ever use him again.
Monday, March 27, 2000
I worried all day about how I would face her, but when I got there it just seemed to be fine. I made tea, rubbed her feet, we talked about the Oscars. Ryan was there but even that was okay. A few times I would think about what happened yesterday and how weird it was to be talking to them now like nothing had happened, but it was okay.
Greg came by my office today and we had a long talk about the Oscars. I told him I had not really gotten into American Beauty and that it just seemed like the director had a video of a plastic bag and wrote a movie around it. He was totally shocked. He thought it was one of the best movies ever made. He said that every character is a part of each of us and that it makes you question human nature and the difference between fantasy and reality and how instinct leads us toward something while our brains are leading us somewhere else. Huh? Maybe I need to see it again. While he was talking I was thinking I could really use some advice on fantasy and reality and my instinct leading me places my brain thinks is a really bad idea.
I like Greg. It was very nice of him to come by. He says we should get an office Oscar pool together for next year.
Tuesday, March 28, 2000
Got my period toda
y.
Mrs Barnabas said it has been much more peaceful since Kendal has been staying with her. But she told me that any time I want to use him, I just have to ask. That is just so crazy. Like I am supposed to just go down and knock on the door and say “Please, Mrs Barnabas, may I borrow my vibrator to go masturbate?” What, and am I supposed to bring it back when I am done? I just don’t understand how she thinks this makes any sense at all. It is not just not fair, it is retarded. There can’t be another woman on the planet that is supposed to...
to ask her landlady if she can borrow her own vibrator. Aaaa! Thank G_d I don’t feel like using him.
Wednesday, March 29, 2000
While I was rubbing her feet she asked me if I found it difficult to ask to use Kendal. I told her I didn’t think I could so she asked if it would be easier if she just told me when I could. I said yes. I mean, it is easier. But I won’t necessarily feel like it when she tells me to and it is still going to be totally embarrassing.
I haven’t figured out if I should give notice or not. It hasn’t been so bad this week. Well, except that I have not been able to use my vibrator all week. I’ve thought about buying a new one but she would just take that one, too.
Thursday, March 30, 2000
When I finished washing up the tea things I asked her if that would be all – funny, I don’t even remember when that started, I don’t think she ever told me to, it just seemed natural – and she told me to come over to her chair and then told me to kneel. She patted my head and told me I had done a good job and earned a treat, and then handed Kendal to me and told me to into the bathroom. I said thank you and even though I wanted to scream, I just did as I’d been told. As I left the room she said “have fun”. It was like a dagger in my back. But I did it. I sat on the edge of the tub and thought about how disgusting I am that I let her do these things to me and how she could hear that I was doing exactly what she had told me, and the more disgusted I got the more excited I got until came.
I felt terrible afterward. I washed him off and went back out and gave him back to her and left without saying a word. I still feel horrible.
Friday, March 31, 2000
She had me kneel beside her again - I like kneeling there, it feels good – and held out Kendal, but then asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t exactly want to, but I didn’t not want to either. I couldn’t make myself say “yes”, but I didn’t want to say “no” so I just knelt there like an idiot looking at Kendal, trying to decide what to say and thinking about when I used to be able to use him whenever I wanted. Finally she got impatient and said she did not have all day and did I want to go to the bathroom or not. I just nodded and took him and left.
Okay, if I am going to be honest with myself, I can say I feel horrible and disgusted with myself when I am in there doing it like a trained seal – and I really do feel awful – but the truth is that I feel really great, too. I don’t know how I can feel both those things at once, but I do. I don’t even know why I feel so good. Maybe...
It feels like fresh air. Like the dirty thoughts I have always had are somehow not so bad because she being mean to me. That doesn’t make any sense. But that is what it feels like. When I went back to give her Kendal again, she asked me if I had a nice time and I nodded, but I was suddenly filled with a feeling of deep gratitude and said “Thank you, Mrs.
Barnabas”. I am not even sure for what. Not for letting me masturbate in her bathroom. Maybe for giving me some small nice thing for all the bad things she does to me. Or maybe for being mean and nice to me in the way I seem to like it. Even though I hate it too. That does not make any sense. But I am beginning to think that none of this makes any sense and that I have to just stop trying to make it. I just know that when I thanked her, I really meant it.
I am not going to give my notice this month. I will give it one more month and then decide.
April
Saturday, April 01, 2000
“Are you awake, Marilyn”?
“Yes, Mrs Barnabas”
“Are you playing with yourself, Marilyn?”
“No, Mrs Barnabas”
“I want you to start. I am going to suck Mr Barnabas’ cock and I want to think about poor girls who don’t get any cock while I do it.”
“Yes Mrs Barnabas”
That is how my day started. I didn’t argue, I didn’t even hesitate. I just answered her questions and then rolled over and started rubbing when I was told to, imagining her sucking his cock and how pathetic I must seem to them.
Then she asked if I was fingering my clit and I said no and she asked why and I told her. Just like that. I didn’t think I would ever tell anybody that and I just said it. He said “well you have to touch it some time”. That was the first time he ever said anything to me through the wall. I think he was really shocked. Strange, I don’t even think about it. It feels gross so I don’t do it. Simple.
I think they had stopped having sex by then. I had. It was like I was in a confessional. It was easier saying it to a wall. She asked me how I masturbated without a vibrator and I told her and he said “Oh fuck! That’s so hot”. I have no idea why he would think that was hot, but it made me feel good that he did. Like maybe one little thing about me is not a total freak.
She told me to come over so I put on my robe on went down my stairs and then up theirs wondering what horrible thing she was going to do, but telling myself I would try to do what ever she wanted. They were sitting in bed with the sheet over them but her huge boobs were bare. She just gave me Kendal and said “have fun”. I was confused and as I started down the stairs I realized I was let down that it was just that. But I went home and they had sex and I used Kendal and listened to them and she told me to tell them when I was coming and I did!
I can’t believe it, but I actually yelled out “I’m coming”. And it felt SO good. I don’t know why. I guess just to be sharing it with someone.
Afterward I felt so happy I asked if I could come over and make them pancakes. Then I cleaned their house and did their laundry – and mine too – and I felt just so very happy doing it and being useful. It's like if I can only just forget about how degrading it is I actually like doing it. I even enjoyed washing her underwear. Just the fact that she thinks she is doing something nice by letting me do it makes it special. Well, it's gross having to scrub the marks but I like that she makes me do it.
When I was finished with everything and dinner was on, she was in her chair reading a magazine and I knelt down where I do after tea and asked her if there would be anything else. She didn’t answer for a long time which made me feel bad at first but then I felt very content to just kneel beside her and wait. It was nice.
Eventually she finished her article and started patting my head and said no that was all but she kept stroking my head and it just felt so good that I started crying and said “thank you”. I am not even sure for what. For being nice to me and patting me? For being mean to me? For allowing me to do her house work? Maybe all those things. I don’t know. I just know I felt very happy and very grateful to her for...
yeah, I guess for everything.
She asked me if I would like to go to the bathroom and I nodded, but she told me that I had already had my treat for the day this morning and it would be better if I just went home and used my wrist, so I did. And I felt grateful for that, too. It all felt so weird all day. Like this total peaceful feeling of drifting in warm water. It's like a piece of my brain has shut off and I can just be. Just do whatever she wants and not think.
Sunday, April 02, 2000
They didn’t talk to me this morning but I could hear them. It is frustrating not having Kendal because I know I probably will not be able to come so I sort of don’t even want to start, but listening to them makes me turned on.
I am going to go over to visit Mrs Baker and then to Mom and Dad’s.
___
This isn’t working. I need to get Kendal back. I felt horny
when I got home thinking about yesterday so I thought I would use my wrist. I liked that Ryan Mr Barnabas said he thought it was hot. But then I started fantasizing and that always gets so sick. I don’t like thinking those things. But when I get horny and can’t come I can’t help myself. I mean, that is why I have Kendal. Cause I almost always come and I don’t have to think about those things.
I’m going to go down and tell her I want Kendal back.
_____
Well that was humiliating. I told her I wanted Kendal back and she asked did I mean I wanted to use the washroom and I said No, I want to have my vibrator back and she said no. No, I was too irresponsible with it and obviously could not control my nympho needs and it was much better for me if he stayed with her so she can help me control myself so I did not keep them up at all hours and go around fucking myself on other people’s beds.
I just wanted to die. She said “stay here” and went upstairs and came back with him and then said if I wanted to I could use the bathroom and took me by the arm and led me over to it and held him out. I felt so bad. Like a bad child being punished. I kept thinking “Just take him and leave” but I couldn’t. Finally she said “well?” and I just grabbed him and went in and locked the door and did it. I knew she was standing right there, but I did it anyway, just to show her. I don’t even know what I was trying to show her. Maybe that I was strong enough to take it. It didn’t feel good at first but I started pinching my nipple and the more I made it hurt the more sense everything else made and I came. After I cleaned him I opened the door and she was still standing there, her hands on her hips. She put out her hand and I hesitated, but then I just gave him back and left.