by Marilyn S
They have gone to bed now but of course I am wide awake. Alyssa is doing way better than last night. She is still wheezing but she seems to be sleeping pretty well.
I’m not allowed to go to the basement in case Alyssa wakes up so I guess I will write about something.
When I stop to think about it it seems so strange how different I am now then I was when they moved in. Oh my G_d, I just looked back and it has only been since February. I know my life is totally bizarre and nobody I know would understand how I could live this way. Or why I would want to. I don’t really understand it myself. But I know that I am...
I guess a lot happier like this. I don’t seem to worry about things so much. I think I was lonely before. It was like there was two parts of me, the Perfect Marilyn that everybody knew who had all those friends but it was like it was always so much work to be that person. And then there was the sick pervy Marilyn that had all those horrible fantasies that I was so ashamed of. It was like maybe that was the real me but I could never show her to anyone so she was really lonely and the other me felt like an annoying act.
Or maybe that’s just how I feel about it now. I just feel like I used to keep that sick part of me in a dark little hole and it was all twisted up. I am still kind of disgusted by all this, but it just feels so good to have someone else know – lots of other people, actually – and so far only Gwen seems to really think I am a bad person. Mrs Barnabas, Mr Barnabas, Kevin, Shona. They all seem to be okay with it. I mean, I have no idea what they really think, but it just feels like they may think I am kind of stupid for wanting this, but they are willing to accept me and not hate me.
It’s kind of sad that I have only met Shona like three times and I feel like she understands me better than Deanna ever did, in a way.
I really should get together with Deanna some time. We used to be so close and now I have just dropped her. I feel guilty about that. We still email when I am at work, but I just can’t get together like I used to. I told her I was seeing Glen so I guess she understands a little, but she has given up asking to meet him. I know she must be really hurt. But how can I explain that I am not “permitted” to go out at night. Well, that is not really true. I might be permitted if I asked. I just feel so happy to be here that I would rather be here than hearing about Deanna’s stupid problems. G_d, I am so selfish.
It's really weird how Shona talks to Mrs Barnabas about me. Like she is the big expert and she is teaching Mrs Barnabas. I think she must have known someone like me before.
I wonder what Kevin thinks of me. I mean, the way I let them treat me that night. Like a thing. Like I wasn’t a real person, just a slut to be passed back and forth like they might share a bottle of booze. G_d, I can’t believe that really happened to me. Haha. I feel so lucky, like every girl fantasizes about that but it actually happened to plain, boring, ugly little me. I feel so proud of that and yet I know that most girls would think I was a total slut and would never want that to happen to them. I guess I AM a total slut.
I don’t understand why two young good looking guys like them would want me, but I guess she was away and Kevin is single so I was better than nothing.
I know the next day I felt so disgusted with myself and how they treated me that I cried, but I want you to know that I have been thinking of it all the time ever since and I would love to have it happen again sometime. I know I probably would not like myself much the next day again, but I get so turned on thinking about it now that I don’t care. I guess what I like is how totally dirty I felt. I know at the time I hated that feeling of being so dirty that I couldn’t wash it off, but now I want to feel like that again. I want to feel even worse.
Maybe I just need to get a luffa sponge to scrub myself with after, haha. Actually, I meant that as a joke but that is what would have felt really good in the shower when I was feeling so dirty. The washcloth just wasn’t scrubby enough get the dirtiness off. I think I would have used steel wool if I had had any.
I wonder what she was talking about when she made me promise to let her embarrass me worse than with Gwen. She hasn’t mentioned it since so maybe she has forgotten. I guess I just reminded her. Not that I want that. I think I would be just as happy if she did forget, but I don’t really think she did. I know I will probably wish I had not made that deal, but I know that at the time it was Soo worth it. I guess I will see when it is time to pay up.
Saturday, July 08, 2000
Alyssa woke up in the middle of the night and was fussing for a few hours but when they got up in the morning she told me I could go use the bed to sleep in. Things like that make me feel very grateful.
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She had me “waiting” for Mr Barnabas when he got home. I like it better when she is there. Not sure why. I guess I feel more like a gift than a casserole, like I am a treat that she is giving to him when he gets home instead of some kind of consolation prize because she is away.
Sunday, July 09, 2000
Kevin called. He must have said he wanted to come over for another bj from me because she said no, she does not need to see her brother getting his cock sucked. I had not thought until then that maybe that was part of why she was mad at Mr Barnabas about that night.
She was obviously a little mad that he was asking and ended up just saying “No, now goodbye” and hung up.
I feel...
I guess I feel flattered that he would ask and also maybe a bit relieved, too. I know I want to be treated like a slut like that, but I really don’t think it is good for me and my self-esteem. I guess I am happy with being flattered that he asked and that she is making the decision for me so I don’t have to. If I had to decide myself I know I would feel like I was doing the wrong thing whatever I do but like this I am just doing whatever I am told and I can just...
I guess I can just “be”. I still have to fight with myself not to worry about everything, but it has been getting easier and easier, and quicker and quicker, for me to remember that I don’t have to worry because it is not my problem. I wonder if she can possibly ever know what a huge thing it is she does for me by taking all that off of me.
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They talked about Kevin at dinner. He actually offered to pay her! Mr Barnabas thought it was funny, but I didn’t. That would be a HUGE thing. My pussy says it likes the idea but I can’t imagine actually doing that for money! I don’t know why that would be so much huger than with both of them for free, but it would. I would be a whore. A REAL whore! Boy I would sure be disgusted with myself then! I think it would be really hot, too, but I know I would hate myself afterward.
But of course if she tells me to I will.
I guess doing it for her makes it, well, I don’t know if it makes it better, but it would make it easier. I guess like I was saying this morning about not having to make the decision myself. I would hate myself if I sold myself, but maybe it would not be so bad if she made me do it. Or maybe it would be just as bad.
Anyway, Mr Barnabas thought she should do it. She thinks it would be too weird supplying her brother with sex and doesn’t want to have to see it, but he said we could go down to my chair. She said she would think about it.
I can’t stop thinking about it. My brain is totally spinning. But like always she will make the decision and there is nothing I can do either way.
I did really like the way they discussed it while they were eating dinner without ever asking me what I thought even though I was standing right there. Somehow that made me feel like they would make the right decision. It really made me feel like a child or maybe a retard who can’t make big decisions for myself. I liked that. I felt very small and defenseless.
Monday, July 10, 2000
She did it! Or she made me do it, really.
I could feel that something was up when I got home. As soon as I answered the doorbell and saw it was him I knew and I got so nervous I could barely breathe.
I don’t think she was very comfortable about it. When he took his wallet out she kind of snapped a
t him to pay me before we start.
It's hard. I would like to just say everything was totally great for me so she would not feel bad about it, but I know I have to be as honest as I can and I felt a lot of different things.
I felt very nervous and dirty following down him into the basement. I think I was shaking.
He was talking to me really friendly but I didn’t know if I was supposed to talk to him or not. I was shocked when he gave me $50. I don’t know how much I thought it would be but at first that seemed like a lot.
When he asked me why my chair is covered in plastic, G_d, I wanted to die. When I didn’t answer I hoped he would change the subject but he didn’t. Finally I felt like I had to say something so I told him it was so I didn’t make a mess on the furniture and he laughed so hard. I must have blushed so red. It made me feel like a total idiot. He sat on the desk chair. Then I just got down on the floor and did it. He made me undo his pants and take it out. It was…
I don’t know if she wants to read all about this. I think she probably doesn’t so I will just say how I felt.
I liked being able to see. And to use my hands. It felt really dirty to be on my knees looking up at him. Like I was begging for it. I did not feel as much like “just a mouth” with my hands and eyes but I felt SO much like a prostitute that I wanted to cry. It felt so degrading that I would do that for money. I kept telling myself that I should feel good that he thought I was worth $50 but while I was doing it it just felt so dirty that $50 didn’t seem like enough. It seems like so much money for someone to pay for just like 10 or 20 minutes but it just made me feel really cheap selling my body for that.
Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Marilyn. Okay, well I didn’t exactly “sell my body” but I feel like I sold a piece of my soul or maybe a piece of my dignity. I think I would have really been bothered by it if she had not made me give it all to her after. That made it so that it was her that sold me, that I did it for her. Though I guess that means that is all she thinks I am worth.
It is weird how that seems to be both a little and a lot at the same time. I guess I feel like I want to be worth more than that but am actually surprised that he thinks I am worth even that much. Maybe I just do not like actually putting a price on...
my self-esteem, I guess. When I think about it like that, I am surprised my self-esteem is worth anything at all, haha.
Mr Barnabas was home when we went back up stairs and it was very embarrassing facing both of them knowing they knew what I had done. I don’t know why it was worse that when I just do things with them, but it was. I feel like I have a big sign over me that says “Whore!”
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She said I could have an orgasm after I had finished writing but now I should tell you that when I was doing it I was thinking about what you made me do and what a whore I am now and how you sold me for $50 and it all turned me on soo much. Now that I have come I feel sick to my stomach with disgust at it all. I am going to ask if I can have a shower.
Tuesday, July 11, 2000
She told me that I am permitted to answer her guests’ questions in short “Yes, sir”, “No, sir”, “Thank you, sir”, “So I don’t make a mess, sir” sort of answers. When Kevin has paid for me I can talk to him, but when he is a guest at their table I am just a maid. That all makes sense and I appreciate having it set out like that so I don’t have to guess.
But when she says “when Kevin has paid for me” it makes me think that there may be other times. Today I feel like I might really start to hate myself if that happened all the time. I feel very cheap. I was feeling angry at her today, too, but I don’t know why since I am glad that she made me do that, even though it is bothering me. I feel like she does not care enough. Oh, I don’t know what I feel. It's all too crazy. I still have that dirty feeling and I feel like it is her fault but she is not taking responsibility for it. I wish I knew what I wanted. I feel like I want to scream. Or maybe cry. I want to scrub myself some more but I know that won’t work. It seems like it should, but it doesn’t.
My knees are still sore from yesterday. They really started hurting after a few minutes on the cement floor and they are still really sore. I tried squatting but that didn’t work very well.
_____
During tea she read my journal from yesterday and from lunch. Then she told me to go buy some milk which I thought was strange because I know we have some. When I got back she was on the phone and I had the feeling they were talking about me. After that she said that maybe my problem was that I had not been punished for being such a dirty slut last night. That confused me because I had only done what she told me too so I didn’t think I should be punished. I thought standing in the corner would just make me more upset.
Instead she told me to lay across her knee! Oh my G-d, that was so exciting. I knew right away what she was going to do and everything just thought “yes!, and she laughed at me and told me not to look so happy about my punishment.
As soon as she started spanking me it felt like...
it felt like love. It felt like suddenly everything was right and made sense and I knew that she cared. I don’t know who she was talking to – I have a feeling it was Shona – but whoever it was they sure know me because it felt like exactly what I needed but that I didn’t know. I found myself saying “thank you” every time she hit my bottom, hoping it would make her do it harder. I wanted her to really hurt me. To really punish me for being such a dirty whore. It felt like when I was scrubbing but way, way better, like she could spank the dirtiness away if she just hit me hard enough. It felt so good to cry and let it all out and have her not stop but just keep going. I was afraid when she heard me crying that she would stop but she didn't.
Once she stopped and asked me “more?”, and when I said yes she said “harder?” and I said yes. After that it was perfect. It hurt so much. It felt like if it hurt enough I could pay for being such a bad person. I felt like I could make her happy by taking it no matter how hard she hit me.
It hurt but it felt so good, like it was both a punishment for being such a slut and also a reward, giving me what I need because I did what she wanted.
Afterward I was crying and couldn’t stop so she moved to the couch and let me lay in her lap and let me nurse like a baby. It feels so perverted to drink milk from her boobs but it feels SOO good to do it. I feel like a little baby and it feels like...
like “mommy loves me”. Like everything is alright.
Mrs Barnabas, I feel so very, very lucky to be with you. I can’t believe how well you understand me. And if that was Shona on the phone and she is helping you understand me then I feel very lucky that you know her, too.
I didn’t even care when Mr Barnabas came home and found us like that.
Wednesday, July 12, 2000
My butt is still really sore and there are even some bruises. I smile every time I look at them. I feel proud of them which seems funny. Like I have earned them.
I feel very happy today. Like REALLY happy. It's like all that bad stuff I was feeling yesterday is just gone. I know I may start feeling bad about Kevin again tomorrow but for now it seems fine. I am a dirty whore that sells blowjobs for fifty dollars because I am Mrs Barnabas’ slave and I will do whatever she tells me. I feel grateful that she made me into a prostitute. That I could earn $50 for her by degrading myself.
I guess that spanking really worked, haha.
Thursday, July 13, 2000
Sunita was in my office telling me about their trip to PEI and then Greg came in and then right then Mrs Barnabas called. She almost never calls me at work so I felt like I should answer right away but I was afraid. She told me that Kevin would be coming at 6:00 so I should make sure I was home in time to be ready for him.
It felt like “has been told to be home to suck cock for $50” was written right across my face. I know they saw something because they both had funny looks on their faces and Sunita asked if something was wrong. I just said “nothing” but it sure felt like they somehow kn
ew everything. Greg asked me to lunch and it didn’t seem like he was thinking about it so it was probably way bigger to me than them.
Kevin brought me some kneepads which are so comfortable. They are huge and ugly, but I was on my knees the whole time and they didn’t hurt at all so I don’t really care what they look like.
He started looking at the magazines while I was doing it. I love that. I feel so used. Like I am not the girl he wants so he looks at her while I suck him. And it was great that I could see the magazine over my head, like I was forgotten.
I do really like sucking cocks. It feels kind of weird that he is paying me to do it when I would love to do it for free, but I guess he isn’t really paying me. He is paying her.
Mmmm, he is renting me from her.
After, I think he thought he was going to stay for dinner again but she told him he had to leave and then she spanked me. I didn’t feel like I needed it like I did last time but it still felt good to be punished. Like I don’t have to worry now about what I did because I have already been spanked for it. I got the same “cleaning me” feel even though I did not feel too dirty. It felt good to have her take care of me like that.
It's Mr Barnabas's birthday in a few weeks and he is going to have a poker party and I am supposed to serve drinks. I think that will be fun.
Friday, July 14, 2000
I was thinking again today that I wish she would make it so I could never leave. I don’t know how, but I just wish I was a prisoner. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this. I mean, it is okay for now and I have no idea if she even wants to keep doing this, but part of me would like to live like this forever and part of me thinks that would make me totally crazy. But if she wanted to keep me, I think I would like it if I had no choice.