by C. J. Skuse
‘I can’t wait to go to a garden centre with you,’ I sighed into his shoulder.
‘What?’ he said.
‘Nothing,’ I said, pulling back and kissing him smack on the lips. He started kissing me back like he was a starving orphan and I was the best burger in the world, but I had to pull away from him. It took some willpower but I knew what we had to do now. ‘Come and watch us electrocute Sexy Dead Boy.’ I took his hand like some little girl who wanted her dad to see some kittens.
Louis held open the door of the Sciences block. ‘Are you coming or what?’ he said to Damian.
‘Else what?’ he said.
‘Else you’ll have to go home. Or stay out here on your own.’
Damian gave a quick look round, threw down his cigarette and scuffed after us, hanging back like a stroppy kid. A stroppy kid who’d been told he had to play nicely with the dead bloke.
Shocks
It was broad daylight but the college was still empty so we had the place to ourselves. We tried shocking Sexy Dead Boy again.
Twice.
Fizzzzzzzzzaaaaaa juddddddddda fizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz crack a judddda.
Fizzzzzzzzzaaaaaa juddddddddda fizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz crack a judddda.
And each time, Zoe had her scopey thing at the ready to hear the heartbeats. But they never came. Louis held my hand. Pee Wee was asleep under the sink. Above him, Damian sat on the draining board and tried not to look. The sight of Sexy Dead Boy writhing and squirming had him totally freaked out but the alternative – being left on his own – was much worse. He was getting used to it though, I could tell. He’d stopped retching and had even looked over twice. The two electrocution attempts didn’t singe Sexy Dead Boy, and the second time we all swore he’d taken a breath. The chest had definitely gone up and then down again. None of us could deny it.
She went for a third time.
Fizzzzzzzzzaaaaaa juddddddddda fizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz crack a judddda.
‘Did you see that?’ Damian shrieked, jumping down from the draining board and running over, still keeping a safe distance. ‘He opened both his eyes, he did! Just for a second, he did!’
Zoe put her scopey thing on Sexy Dead Boy’s chest. We all waited. Nothing.
Without any warning, Zoe went ballistic. She kicked over the tray of knives and empty syringes. Swept pots and beakers from the surfaces. Smashed test tubes and bottles against the walls. Sent everything banging and crashing and sliding across the floor. I felt awful. I put my arms around Louis and he cuddled me in.
‘Well that ain’t gonna help no one, is it?’ said Damian as the contents of the shelving units rolled and clattered about the floor.
Zoe paced up and down the length of Sexy Dead Boy’s body, tapping his knees, checking his chest, shining her tiny torch into his lifeless eyes. She leaned over his face, listening.
Sexy Dead Boy’s eyes batted once.
‘Did you see that?’ she shouted. ‘Did you see THAT?’
‘I saw it, I totally did!’ said Damian. ‘You’re unbelievable! You’re a genius!’ They fist bumped. Zoe and Damian actually fist bumped. I couldn’t believe it.
‘Could have been a muscle spasm?’ said Louis. ‘The ones we get at the funeral parlour do that sometimes. Freaks us out when they open their eyes or fart or something but it’s just a leftover reaction or escaping air. It doesn’t mean anything.’
‘It means there was life present and that there could be life present again,’ said Zoe. ‘What am I doing wrong?’
‘I hate to say it but did you know there’s a cookery course in the Food and Nutrition room at half nine?’ said Louis, still holding my hand.
‘What?’ cried Zoe.
‘Yeah,’ said Damian, still looking away, ‘and middle-aged women’s aerobics in the gym at lunch. We’re going to have to make ourselves scarce for the day.’
‘Now you tell me,’ she said, her head falling back in utter exasperation.
‘We can come back later,’ said Damian, which I thought was actually quite a helpful thing to say. For Damian.
‘Yeah, we’ll cover him up and you can lock the door, Zoe,’ I suggested. He’ll be okay until tonight.’
‘And what about refrigeration?’ she said, hands on hips.
‘I’ll whack up the air con,’ said Louis, and I felt the ache of his hand leaving mine as he went to the wall and flicked down the plastic cover on the room temp box. He pressed a couple of the buttons and in seconds, I felt the room go as cold as a fridge.
Zoe nodded. She seemed happy. Unfulfilled, antsy and tired, but happy.
It was still only half past eight when we made it into town. Nothing was open so we basically walked the streets, sat in bus shelters, sat on the roundabout in the park, kicked pine cones and conkers around. (Zoe didn’t.) Me and Louis kissed a lot. Damian and Zoe argued a lot. And Pee Wee chased wasps and did wees a lot. I had a good time. I really liked being with them. It was like having Lynx and Poppy back, but kind of better.
The seafront cafe Wonkies opened at ten and we were the first ones in.
‘Who fancies a fry-up?’ said Damian, rubbing his hands in glee. ‘I’m having the full monty – double egg, bangers, five rashers, beans, black pudding, fried bread and mushies. Loser?’
‘I’m not that hungry, Dame,’ said Louis, getting out his wallet. ‘I’ll get this though if anyone else wants anything. Camille?’
‘I’m not hungry either,’ I said. Then I had a little think. ‘We could share some toast though?’ I never EVER shared food usually but at that moment, I didn’t actually mind.
‘Yeah, all right.’ Louis smiled, offering Damian a ten pound note. ‘And a hot chocolate. We could share that too.’
‘You two are gonna be at it like rabbits, aren’t you?’ Damian laughed as Louis blushed full on in both cheeks. ‘Put your cash away; this is on me. Blue Eyes, can I tempt you?’ he said to Zoe.
Zoe shook her head and continued to stare out of the window.
‘And a couple of sausages for Pee Wee,’ I called after Damian when he’d gone up to the counter. ‘You should eat something, Zoe,’ I said. ‘You haven’t eaten anything for yonks.’
‘I’m fine,’ she said. She carried on staring out of the window.
Louis held my hand on the table and did this windscreen-wiper thing with his thumb on my hand. I liked it a lot. If Zoe hadn’t been there, I would have just kissed him on the mouth and stayed like that for however long, I wouldn’t even have thought about time. But then I remembered. I remembered how much it had hurt me to see Lynx and Damian kissing all those times. How annoying Poppy and Splodge had been and how ignored I’d felt. That might be how Zoe was feeling, watching us hold hands. There would be tons of time to kiss him later. I dropped his hand. He frowned.
‘Just for a bit,’ I whispered. He nodded but he looked like Pee Wee did when I took his empty bowl away.
Damian came back to the table, order placed, pushing fifty pound notes back in his wallet. ‘So what we doin’ after this then? Fancy going dogging?’
‘What?’ said Louis.
‘I heard about this lay-by on the outskirts of town where they do it at all hours. We could just watch if you want.’
I looked at him with complete disgust, and then he folded over with laughter. ‘Your faces! Pulling your leg, aren’t I? Christ, why’s everyone so miz?’
‘Why do you think, Dame?’ said Louis, his eyes darting towards Zoe.
‘Oh come on, beautiful,’ said Damian, sitting next to Zoe and putting his arm round her. ‘You just need a break from it, that’s all. Tell you what, why don’t we all go back to mine, I’ll kick Dad up to the golf course for a couple of hours and we can chillax till tonight and maybe come up with a new plan to get your corpse working. There’s loads we can do. PSP. Snooker. Dad’s gym’s up and running now too. I bench pressed 200 pounds last week, Lou.’
‘Great,’ said Louis, who’d probably been forced to watch him bench press lots of times before.
�
�Or we could sling some steaks on the BBQ and have a pool party if you like. You two could nip home and get your bikinis on.’ He winked at me. ‘It’s October,’ I said. ’Don’t matter. Pool’s heated. Still can’t use the hot tub though.’
‘He had an accident,’ Louis told me.
‘Had a couple of birds in there in the summer and the patio heater fell in and electrocuted ’em.’ He sniggered and lay back until his chair tilted. ‘They weren’t best pleased,’ he laughed. ‘Even less when they found the vids on the Internet the next day.’
‘You gave them second-degree burns!’ said Louis as our food arrived. He ate a piece of toast, I went to drink the hot chocolate but it was nuclear so I put it down and tried panting to cool my scorched tongue tip. I broke up Pee Wee’s sausages and put them on a napkin on the floor for him. He dived right in.
‘Yeah, well, they were the ones who suggested filming it,’ Damian said. He grabbed the ketchup bottle, flipped it over in the air and caught it at the neck, squirting it all over his food.
‘Ugh. You tape girls when you have . . .’
Damian shrugged and tucked into his fried breakfast. ‘Yeah. Dad still does a bit sometimes too. We got quite a library going.’
‘You’re joking,’ I said, trying the hot chocolate again. Still scorchio.
‘No, he’s not joking,’ said Louis.
Zoe was looking at Damian, equally disgusted. Then out of nowhere, as he was tucking into his beans and sausage, she grabbed hold of his chin and turned his face towards her. ‘You electrocuted two girls in your hot tub?’ she said slowly.
Damian chewed and then gulped. ‘Yeah . . .’
The same thought seemed to dawn on him too. I looked at Louis, but we were still none the wiser.
‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ Damian said to her.
Zoe nodded. ‘Galvanic bath.’
‘Huh?’ I said.
‘Water and electricity,’ said Damian.
‘Like, the worst combination ever,’ said Louis.
Zoe looked like she was in pain. ‘Oh how could I not have thought of this before? Water is a highly-efficient conductor of electricity.’
Louis chewed a corner of his toast. He’d caught on too. ‘Yeah! In one of my favourite films, The Son of Frankenstein’s Daughter, the professor reanimates this dead boy by putting him in this water tank. Then he adds the electrodes.’
‘And SALT!’ cried Zoe, grabbing the salt cellar off Damian who was merrily shaking it all over his mushrooms. ‘We have to put him in a salt bath and then we apply the electrical source. It’s so obvious! Water combined with salt acts as the perfect electrical conductor. We put him in a salt bath, apply a low voltage direct current and the electromagnetic field will greatly improve the circulation of the blood and the serum!’ She looked at Louis and Damian in turn. ‘You are both geniuses!’
Louis smiled and his cheeks went to Volcano Town. Damian laughed and wiped his mouth with a serviette.
Now I had caught on. ‘But where will we get a bath from?’ I asked.
‘DIY place on the roundabout?’ said Damian. ‘They do baths.’
‘Yeah,’ said Louis.
‘Or the hot tub at my place?’ said Damian.
‘Can you lie down in it?’ I said.
‘No,’ said Damian. ‘But you could prop him up with summing.’
‘A hot tub is no good,’ said Zoe. ‘The modern ones tend to have plastic or polymer bases. The charge would be too hot. It would melt. Keep thinking.’
‘Can’t you just chuck him in a swimming pool and sling a toaster in after him?’ suggested Damian, slurping a curl of bacon fat over his bean-smeared lips.
Zoe looked at him. ‘Do you want to be the test subject then? No, the bath has to be sterilised, an insulated tank capable of withstanding a powerful surge of electricity, ideally transparent as well.’
‘Fish tank,’ said Louis.
‘What?’
‘A fish tank. You can get some that are capable of withstanding really powerful electrical surges. For electric eels and barbs.’
‘How the hell we going to get him in a fish tank?’ laughed Damian. ‘You’d have to chop him up again and I ain’t doin’ that! Geezer’s been through enough.’
‘We could get a big one, like the one they’ve got at Fat Pang’s in town.’
‘Perfect!’ said Zoe. ‘Would it be easy to remove?’
‘Oh you can’t remove it,’ said Louis. ‘It’s full of fish. I just meant you need something like the one at Fat Pang’s, not actually that one.’
‘It’s Saturday today,’ said Damian. ‘Most of’ em will be eaten at the All You Can Eat Buffet tonight. It’ll be near empty so if we go in after hours, we just take out what’s left and El Dunno. Sweet as a nut.’
‘But how?’ I said. ‘Even if we do manage to get it out of the restaurant, how are we going to get it back to the college? We can’t use my mum’s nail art van, the tank’s way too big. And also, we’re kinda using the battery out of it too.’
It was like a light bulb had exploded above Damian’s head. ‘We’ll get one of the Stiffmobiles from your place, Lou, yeah? Be long enough, wouldn’t it?’
‘We can’t steal a massive fish tank from a Chinese restaurant!’ Louis cried, lowering his voice in case the waitress heard. ‘Oh, you’re joking.’
Zoe’s face was glowing. Damian was wired, bouncing around on his chair like he was ready for action. ‘Let’s do it,’ she said, and Damian smiled at her, for all the world like a boy who wasn’t a total slut bag but was actually quite liking a girl for once. If it had been any other boy, I’d have thought he had just fallen madly in love. But it was Damian after all.
After we’d finished, we left a tip for the waitress and walked in the sheeting rain to Brite Street and the front window of Fat Pang’s Chinese Fish Restaurant. It was closed until midday but we could all see the large glowing blue fish tank at the back of the room.
‘There it is,’ Damian pointed through the glass. ‘There’s our baby.’
‘It’s gonna be so tricky. I don’t think we can do it,’ said Louis. ‘I don’t want any of the fish to die either.’
‘It’s a bit late to be concerned about them, Lou,’ Damian laughed. ‘Most of’ em will be in a pancake or a curry by closing time anyway.’
‘I don’t care. I can’t kill fish,’ he said.
I touched his arm. ‘We can find some bowls to put them in. They’ll be okay. That’s all right, isn’t it?’ I asked Zoe.
‘Definitely,’ she said, more geared up than ever. I could have sworn that she and Damian exchanged a little smile too, but it could have been my eyes playing tricks on me.
‘But how exactly will we remove it?’ said Zoe. ‘It must weigh a ton. It’ll be too heavy for us to carry, won’t it?’
Louis slapped Damian on the back. ‘Not for someone who can bench press 200 pounds it’s not, eh?’
All four of us took one last look in the window and turned to make our way back to college. We passed the television shop on the way. Sky News. I read the headline. Missing model found safe in Paris. I felt relief. I felt bad for ever doubting Zoe. And I felt Louis’ hand as it took mine and held it tightly.
Four teenagers in a stolen hearse wearing stolen Halloween masks
‘Pee Wee, anyone comes in, you bark at them, okay? Guard Sexy Dead Boy. And don’t eat him,’ I said and put the last of the rotten fingers down before him to keep him busy while I tied the end of his lead to the handle of the teacher’s desk. Then we locked the lab doors and started the walk back into town in the dark.
We waited inside a hearse outside the funeral parlour, watching Fat Pang’s across the street. We were all squished in the front seats, each wearing a Halloween mask that we had stolen from the Art department at college. We did our best not to look like four teenagers in a stolen hearse wearing stolen Halloween masks, but that’s exactly what we were. We were a gang. A really weird gang, but still a gang. When it had been me, Lynx a
nd Poppy I’d always felt like the outsider. But here, I felt important. I was Zoe’s best friend (whether she liked it or not). I was Damian’s ‘one who got away’. And I was Louis’ own proper girlfriend. The gang didn’t work without me and I liked sitting in the dark with them.
‘Are you sure this is necessary?’ Zoe complained, rubbing where the elastic cut into her ear. Her mask was a witch’s face.
‘Yeah,’ said Damian, lifting up his black cat mask. ‘I told you there’s CCTV inside. I checked it out before.’
‘Won’t you get in trouble, Louis?’ I said. ‘People will know it’s your hearse.’ My mask was a pumpkin.
‘No,’ he said. ‘Any passer by will just think the hearse is parked out front for the night. We leave them out for cleaning sometimes.’ He was a pumpkin too.
All our voices were muffled and hollow-sounding behind the masks and my face was getting sweaty. I lifted mine up and saw a group of people coming out of the restaurant. They crossed the road towards us and waited at the bus stop. They lit cigarettes and chatted beneath the orange street light. They didn’t see us. Another group came out just after them, all laughing and happy and full of spare ribs and fried rice, some carrying doggy bags and gift bags. There were two people at the back of the crowd I recognised, but before I could say a word, Louis and Damian both said what I was thinking.
‘It’s Splodge!’
‘And Poppy!’ I said, seeing the red-headed girl with her arm linking his. Her hair looked bouncy and clean and she looked like she’d put on some weight too. He had his arm around her and they looked really happy. It was so good to see her, but even if I could have done I wouldn’t have thought of going over to say hi. I got the feeling I would be the one left feeling stupid if I told her how worried I’d been about her. It looked like she didn’t have a care in the world.
‘Splodge!’ Louis said again, and made to get out of the hearse, before Damian reached across me and Zoe and pulled him back inside.