‘I feel like this is something you can only do if you want to,’ John says. ‘We can say it’s a great opportunity and sounds amazing for you, but if you don’t feel it then that doesn’t matter.’
Robert squeezes my hand and I jump a little at his touch. ‘You need to go at your pace. It might be too soon or it might be just the right time. Only you can know. I won’t push you again.’
I’m not sure if he’s talking about painting or us, though. I look at Emma, my usual voice of reason. ‘It’s up to you, hon.’
I nod and let the subject move on because I don’t know what else to say about it. They are right, of course. This is my decision and mine alone. I find myself wondering what Lucas would have said if he’d been here. I don’t think I could have gone away for so long without him. I would have been too scared. He would have encouraged me, though, he always did. I never felt any burning ambition for my art when I was with him as it felt like I had everything I could want or need. But now I wonder if I was limiting myself.
At the end of the night, Robert walks me back to the cottage. I do up my jacket and wrap my scarf tightly around my neck to block out the breeze. My hair billows out behind me. Robert takes my hand in his as we walk, his hands warming mine.
‘You’re quiet,’ I observe as we reach my road, having walked in silence almost all of the way so far.
Robert turns and smiles across at me. ‘Just enjoying the night. It’s so peaceful here, I can see why you love it so much.’
‘What’s it like living in Plymouth?’
‘Far busier. Obviously nothing compared to somewhere like London, but I’d never walk home looking up at the stars. This place really makes you think.’
‘Think about what?’ I realise how much I want to know him more. I’m used to people I know so well; it’s refreshing but also a little bit frustrating how little I know about him yet. I’ve never understood why someone might be called mysterious before meeting Robert. He is mysterious. It both intrigues me and makes me feel anxious at the same time.
He shrugs but I can tell from his serious expression there isn’t anything casual about his thoughts.
‘What I want, I suppose. It’s amazing how you can navigate the everyday, working long hours and just doing everything you have to do, without stopping for a moment to consider if what you’re doing is actually what you want to be doing.’
We reach my gate then and pause to look at one another. A fluttering sensation in my stomach accompanies the meeting of our eyes. I swallow hard to try to extinguish it.
‘Do you . . . do you want to come in?’ I blurt out the words, unsure what I want his answer to be but liking the fact it’s his decision to make and not mine. This time it wouldn’t be an accident.
‘I think I should let you sleep.’ He leans in and brushes his lips against my cheek. ‘I’m so glad I’m spending this summer with you,’ he whispers into my ear. He pulls back and his eyes search mine for a moment before he leans in and meets my lips with his. It’s over too soon and he steps back from me quickly as if another kiss would shake his resolve to go home. It would definitely shake mine. Even a small, gentle kiss like that has sent waves of heat rolling through my body. I’m not sure either of us could maintain any control if we gave in to a deeper kiss right now.
I watch him walk down the road and turn to go into my house, hating the empty feeling that his leaving has produced. Because I know that even if I don’t go to this retreat, he will go back home at the end of the summer. There’s no preventing our separation. This, whatever this is between us, was always destined to be fleeting.
Taylor rushes to greet me at the front door and he pushes away my sad thoughts. He follows me to the stairs, purring, and I call him up with me. When I climb into bed, he jumps on it and leans against my legs on top of the covers. His presence is both comforting and warming and I’m so pleased Robert helped me to find him.
This feels like the start of a new chapter for me and I know that the only way I can keep turning the pages and moving forward is to see if I could go on this art retreat. I need to know if I still want to paint. If I can still do it. It’s time. I can’t run or hide from it any longer.
Chapter Seventeen
The beach is deserted when I arrive, thanks to the already grey, cloudy sky. I’m clutching my sketch pad, my heart lodged inside my throat. I lay out a blanket on the sand as close to the sea as I can get without being touched by a lapping wave and sit down, propping the sketch pad on my knees. I hold the pencil in my hand and look out at the seemingly endless dark blue water. I start to shade the sea on the page as I’ve done so many times before, but I feel blocked again. I sigh and tap the pencil against the pad as the sky starts to move, patches of light blue appearing in the grey.
‘I thought it was you.’ A voice pierces through my frustration and I smile at Emma and John, hand in hand beside me. ‘We just had breakfast at Mrs Morris’s. Are you . . . are you drawing?’
‘Trying. Sit with me for a bit?’
They join me on the blanket. Emma looks really radiant today in her maxi dress and John is wearing an open shirt and light trousers. They look like the perfect couple, but instead of that making me feel lonely, it inspires me. Apart from occasionally sketching people I know, I’ve mostly stuck with landscapes, and each type of art has been so . . . well, literal. I have always painted exactly what I could see. Not how what I was looking at made me feel.
John is telling Emma about an annoying client at work and as she looks at him speaking, I catch the look of love in her eyes and I suddenly get that spark again. I don’t want to just draw things anymore. I need to say something with what I draw. The pencil hits the paper again and I start to sketch them facing each other on the blanket, hands entwined, and then I shade in Emma’s eyes and the spark that I see in them. I start to shade a link between her eyes and John’s as they watch one another. The drawing begins to take on an almost abstract element as I draw how connected I can see they are. I look beyond them as shapes and draw them as the people I know. I start to draw Emma’s heart beneath her dress, even though I can’t see it; I imagine what it looks like when she talks with her husband.
I feel a thrill I haven’t felt in so long and I’m lost to everything but what I’m creating. God, it feels amazing. My pulse is rapid, I can feel adrenaline pumping through my body and I know I’m smiling even as my eyes screw up with concentration.
‘Rose,’ Emma’s loud voice breaks through my focus.
I look up. ‘Huh?’
‘We need to get going. We didn’t want to disturb you but we’ve been here for two hours,’ she says with a happy grin. I can tell she’s pleased I’m drawing again. ‘Can we see it?’
‘Not yet,’ I tell her. ‘I’m fine, I can remember it all.’ I’m already looking at the drawing again. ‘Talk to you later.’
I feel something on my shoulders: John has left me his jacket. I look up to say thank you but they’ve already gone. I look at the half-finished drawing and know it’s better than anything I’ve done before. It could really be something. It’s different. Maybe I’ve finally let feelings into my art. I bite my lip. It wasn’t as scary as I thought. In fact, it feels like some of the weight I’ve been carrying inside my chest has deflated a little.
A drop of water lands on the page. I flick it away impatiently as I start shading. Then another drop smudges the corner of my drawing and I’m forced to look up. A drop lands in my eye and I realise it’s raining. The sky above me has turned black and the beach is completely empty save for me. Crap. I hastily close the sketch pad and grab my bag and blanket off the sand as the rain starts to fall in earnest, pelting me with heavy droplets. I turn, thinking I need to make a run for it, when I look over at the terrace to the Inn, and see Robert standing on it watching me.
I wait for a moment, watching as he waves to me, and then head in his directi
on, breaking into a run as the rain becomes thick sheets, making it hard for me to see and plastering my hair to my face. When I reach him, he holds out a hand for me and we both dart inside the dining room of the Inn. It’s empty in there and we laugh as we shake off the water and ease our fast breaths.
‘I was wondering how long it would take you to notice the rain,’ Robert says.
‘How long were you standing there?’
‘A while.’ He smiles and pushes a wet strand of my hair off my cheek. ‘I’ve never seen anyone that focused before.’ He looks at the sketch pad in my hand. ‘It was amazing to see.’
‘I feel kind of alive right now,’ I admit, the thrill from drawing still with me. I feel his gaze on me and it’s like it’s burning through my wet clothes and under my skin. I didn’t really think people could actually give smouldering looks but Robert can.
‘You look alive,’ he says softly. He pulls me closer and gives me a soft kiss. I’m keyed up and I can’t help but deepen the kiss a little. I run a hand along his chest, his wet shirt clinging to him and giving me a view of his defined abs. I wonder how see-through mine has gone.
Robert pulls back slightly. ‘Rose, there are things you don’t know about me,’ he says seriously, searching my face for a response.
I shake my head. ‘There are things you don’t know about me but we can find them out.’
He hesitates. ‘But . . .’ I shiver and he brings his hands up to my shoulders. ‘You’re freezing. You should get out of those wet clothes. Do you . . . I mean, do you want to come up to my room to change? I can lend you something?’
‘Well, we do wear the same clothes,’ I say with a smile, pleased he seems to be relaxing again. He seems almost more nervous than me.
Robert picks up my things and leads me out of the room. My pulse beats faster as we walk through the hotel. Robert walks briskly and I guess he’s hoping no one sees us. It’s a cosy place decorated with wooden beams and log fireplaces, pictures and antiques dotted around in a hotchpotch way.
Thankfully, we make it through unnoticed, up the winding staircase to the top floor and to the only suite. I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s claimed it, although usually I’d guess only newlyweds would choose it. It’s a reminder that he comes from a very different world, even though when his hand is entwined with mine like now it feels like nothing does or could separate us. Robert pushes the door open and lets me step inside first. I gasp a little, having never been in here before. It really is beautiful. There is a grand four-poster bed in the centre of the vast room and there are windows on each side, giving an impressive view of Talting. The room is decorated in rich red and gold, with heavy drapes framing the windows, a polished wooden floor is beneath our feet and an ornate mirror hangs in one corner reflecting us back.
Robert watches me walk around the room. I can feel him studying me as I look at the picture hanging above the fireplace and my eye is caught by his neat pile of clothes. In fact, the room is shockingly neat, although again I’m not surprised. The room is the Robert I first met all over – polished and together. I’ve had a glimpse that underneath he isn’t nearly as intimidating as this room would have you believe, and I like that I know that, otherwise I’d turn and run right now.
‘It’s a lovely room, huh?’ he says softly.
‘It really is,’ I say, turning round to meet his gaze. I see him glance at my wet top, which no doubt shows off my lacy bra, but then his eyes snap back to mine as if he doesn’t want to look.
He runs a hand through his hair and I step forward and take his hand, holding it in mine. I see him swallow. I’m sure he must be able to feel this heat between us. I don’t want to lose how good I’m feeling. I want to be held. I want to be touched. I want to lose myself in him and not have to think or worry about anything else. The decision emboldens me despite my nerves and I step closer to him.
‘Do you want to get changed?’ he asks.
I lift my arms above my head.
‘Rose?’
I give him an encouraging smile and he reaches out to lift my top off. He throws it gently on the floor. I start to unbutton his shirt. He touches my fingers, holding them in place. ‘We don’t need to . . . we can slow down. Maybe we should . . .’
‘Is that what you really want?’ I ask. He looks conflicted. Moving away from his touch, I carry on unbuttoning his shirt. He closes his eyes briefly then opens them and shakes his head as if he’s given up resisting. I smile. I push the shirt off his shoulders and it slides on to the floor next to mine. I can see his chest rising with shortened breaths, as though his heart is beating as rapidly as mine. I watch as his eyes flick to my mouth and the need for him to kiss me is unbearably strong. I can’t wait for myself to stop this. I don’t want to stop it. I step closer and finally his arms go around me. God, that feels good. You get so used to someone holding you, but when that disappears you forget how it feels. Robert’s arms are strong but gentle and I feel safe as our lips meet. He touches them only briefly before trailing kisses down my neck and on to my shoulder. I shiver when they touch my collarbone and he moves my bra strap down and kisses me where it was.
He pauses one more time. ‘Are you really sure?’
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him to show him how sure I am. I know then his hesitation has faded for good. Our kiss has turned hungry and the excitement I felt earlier ignites again as his tongue flicks against mine. He lifts me up at the waist and carries me to the bed, climbing on there with me. Kneeling, I run my hand through his hair as his hands slide up my back. My body responds quickly, reacting instinctively. It remembers what this feels like.
Like he’s a drug, I pull Robert closer, wanting to feel every part of him, willing him to kiss away any trace of my pain and take me far away from here. He lifts me again so that I’m straddling him and he kisses me down my throat, making me gasp a little. I didn’t think I’d ever want anyone like this again, but something has taken over and I cling to him like he’s the air I need to breathe.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ Robert says, reaching behind me to take off my bra. ‘So incredibly beautiful,’ he says, moving his lips to where his eyes rest.
I’m just a woman again in this moment; nothing else defines me here, undressed in his arms, in his bed. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed.
As he leans over me, my body falling against the soft duvet, the world around us slips away, leaving just him and me.
Chapter Eighteen
I am curled up in bed with my hands on Robert’s bare chest. The rise and fall of it under my skin as his breathing begins to slow down is comforting. We are both silent, lost in our own thoughts. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I carefully brush it away before it lands on him. I’m not sure why my eyes are wet with tears. Maybe it’s because this is the first time I’ve been with anyone other than Lucas and my heart feels heavy. It was lovely in the moment but now I’m unsure how to feel.
Do I feel guilty about being with someone other than Lucas? Robert starts to stroke my hair. Lucas used to do that too. I close my eyes, telling myself off for thinking about him whilst I’m in Robert’s arms. But how can I help it? All those intimate moments spent with one man and now I’m not sure how to handle this intimate moment with another.
‘Are you okay, Rose?’ Robert whispers into my ear, taking hold of my hand gently. He tilts my face up so I’m looking at him. ‘Are you crying?’ He looks stricken and I hate to see the pain in his eyes. He brushes away one of my tears with his thumb and I shiver slightly at his touch. ‘Rose?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, pulling my eyes from his. ‘I just . . . this is . . . overwhelming.’
He’s silent for a moment then he pulls me closer to him. ‘It’s okay to be confused. This is new for both of us. I’ve never felt this way before. And it’s scary. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now but please don
’t shut me out of it. I’m here. I’ll always be here. Whatever happens, okay? I promise.’
I pull myself up so I can lean my elbow on the pillow and look at him. All my conflicting feelings fade when I look into his eyes, and everything seems to make sense somehow. ‘I never thought I could feel like this again.’
He reaches up and touches my cheek with his hand and then leans in to kiss me softly on the lips. ‘That was amazing. You’re amazing. You deserve to be happy. Let me make you happy?’ His eyes search mine as he asks the question and I know that he means it.
I smile and feel my tears begin to melt away. I can’t believe how well we fit together. I never imagined fitting with anyone other than Lucas. ‘You’re special, Rob,’ I tell him, feeling a little shy, which is crazy considering what we just shared. But he is special. This feels special. I feel happiness surge up inside me. I was worried I wouldn’t recognise it if I ever felt it again, but I do. It’s reigniting me. Like I’m a burnt-out flame sparking back to life again.
Robert looks at me, his expression full of surprise and joy as if no one has ever called him that before. Maybe this is a first for him too. Maybe he’s never had love in his life. He breaks into a smile that fills me with joy and he reaches for my lips, kissing me with such passion I fall back against the pillow. And I know in that moment that I could fall in love with him. I want to. I want to open up my broken heart to him. I want him to heal it.
To heal me.
My stomach rumbles mid-kiss and Robert pulls back to grin as I try to hide my face. ‘So embarrassing,’ I moan as he laughs.
The Second Love of My Life Page 13