The Second Love of My Life

by Victoria Walters

‘What did you love about him?’

  ‘His zest for life. His easy-going, kind, carefree way. How much he loved people, and this town. How I could talk to him about anything. We were best friends. A team. He was funny. Goofy sometimes. Everyone loved Lucas, it was impossible not to.’

  ‘I really am so sorry,’ he says softly.

  I look across at him. ‘I know you are. I am happy that I knew Lucas and got to love him and be loved by him for ten years. It was special. And I was so lucky. Losing him was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I’ll always miss him. But for the first time I’m looking forward to Christmas and New Year. I’m looking forwards instead of backwards.’

  ‘I want to do that too.’

  ‘You are doing it. You’re changing things. You’re moving forward. When you told me who your brother is, all I could feel was guilt that someone who made me happy was connected to why Lucas was taken from me.’

  ‘I should have told you as soon as we met. It got harder every day. I will never forgive myself for not being honest with you.’

  I shake my head. ‘It’s been hard for me to work through, but I understand why you didn’t tell me at first, and then when things started to happen . . . you were just scared. I have forgiven you, Rob. Life’s too short to hang on to negative feelings, to let the past hold us back. Especially when you’ve brought so much happiness back into my life.’

  Robert wipes away the tear that has rolled down his cheek. He takes my drink from me and sits it down on the table next to his. He takes one of my hands in his. ‘You’ve changed my life and you’ve changed me. Even if that’s all there will ever be, that’s something so special. You know that I love you, Rose. I want us to try again; I want to show you that I’m the man you thought I was, but I understand if you can’t do that. I have never felt this way before and it scares me, but it’s so beautiful. I’m so grateful to know you.’ He reaches towards me and strokes my hair back from my face. ‘Thank you for showing me what love is.’

  I feel my own eyes well up. The love I can see in his eyes does feel life-changing. I have so much more I want to say to him, but I just don’t know how yet. It’s been a long night and I feel exhausted. All I want is to lie in his arms and fall asleep.

  ‘Can we go to bed?’

  ‘Together?’

  ‘I just . . . can you hold me?’

  ‘Of course I can.’ He kisses my forehead and helps me up. I take his hand and we go up to his room.

  We lie down on his bed in our clothes and he pulls the cover over us and holds his arm out to me. I lie against his chest and love the warmth of him holding me. I close my eyes. It feels like home somehow.

  ‘Everything’s going to be okay,’ Robert whispers to me.

  ‘Can you promise me that?’

  ‘I promise.’

  I know then that I’ve moved past his lie. Somehow I fit with him. I want to be with him. I open my mouth to tell him but he speaks first.

  ‘Go to sleep, Rose,’ he whispers, pulling me tightly. ‘I’ll be here all night.’

  My eyelids droop and I think I can tell him in the morning. Right now, this moment is perfect the way it is.

  I lift my head and search for his lips in the dark. He works out what I want and brushes his against mine. A shiver runs down my spine. I lay my head back down and hear his heartbeat speed up, my ear pressed to his chest. He sucks in a breath and holds me tightly. I listen to the sound of us breathing together.

  When it’s right, love should be like breathing – something you don’t need to think about, you just do, and something that you need to live.

  Could I really find a love like that twice? And if I have, do I get to keep it this time?

  I’m asleep before an answer can find me.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Crisp winter sunlight streams in through a gap in the heavy drapes, creating a pool of light on the carpet. I watch it for a minute, my brain catching up to my senses. The soft pillows under my head are the Inn pillows and the strong arms wrapped around me are Robert’s. Last night comes back to me slowly as the fog in my brain clears. It’s as if I’m hung over, but I didn’t even finish that glass of brandy so I can’t be. Perhaps it’s just the stress of all that happened. Delayed shock or something.

  I need to focus on something. I concentrate on the sound of gentle, steady breathing in my ear, slightly tickling my neck. It calms me. Even though last night was a nightmare, I know Robert and I made a good team, and after it all, I just wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to go home alone. I needed his touch. His comfort. It wasn’t just the pull of someone lonely, but of something deeper.

  I lift my head and turn a little so I can watch Robert sleeping. He looks peaceful and annoyingly gorgeous considering we slept in our clothes. His hair is messy and I reach out to touch it. He feels me move and turns his head to face me. Opening his eyes, he meets mine and we look at each other for a moment. Warmth runs through me.

  Without thinking, I follow my instinct and lean towards him. I kiss him softly and feel that familiar spark between us. Robert murmurs and pulls me closer. Our lips move together and I pull him closer still, deepening the kiss. Robert’s breath hitches and he shifts me so I move on top of him, his tongue searching mine, his hand moving down to my back. I find it so easy to lose myself in his kiss. I always have. It’s like his lips were formed to be a perfect fit for mine, as if they were half of a puzzle piece.

  ‘I have something to show you,’ he whispers, his lips touching my cheek as he speaks.

  I look at him questioningly, trying to catch my breath. He gently lifts me off him and I sit on the edge of the bed as he steps over to the wardrobe and pulls out something wrapped in brown paper. He unties the paper and it slips away to reveal a canvas. He props it up against the wardrobe door and I let out a small gasp as my heart painting is revealed.

  ‘How do you have it?’ I ask him.

  ‘I was always the buyer, not Heather. When you sent me the invitation to your exhibition, I looked at the pieces on the gallery website, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, when I saw this one I cried.’

  ‘You cried?’

  ‘To me, it showed perfectly how my life was before and after I met you.’ Robert comes back over and kneels on the floor looking up at me. ‘It was like I was living in winter – it was cold and lonely, but then I met you, and it felt as if everything would be okay. It was like summer again. I felt happy for the first time in too long. When I saw this piece, I knew that no matter what happened between us, I wanted it to remember you, and everything you did for me. I would never have left my job and stood up to my father if it wasn’t for you. Your love made me brave. I feel stronger for knowing you. And if what we had is over, then it’s okay, because I am a better man for knowing you.’

  I shake my head, a lump lodging itself in my throat. ‘I can’t believe you were the one who bought this painting, Rob. So much of the summer in it is down to you. It wouldn’t exist without you.’ I look into his eyes gazing up at me and I know that I want to be with him. I want to take a leap of faith. I want the risk that comes with loving him. Even though it still scares me, I have to. It just feels right between us now.

  It hits me then – the only way I can move on and accept that I won’t spend my life with Lucas is to spend it with someone completely different to him. Someone who makes me feel completely different and whose love is completely different.

  I can’t compare them because they don’t compare.

  Robert isn’t second best. He’s a second chance.

  I think about all the things Robert has done for me since we met. He went to the gallery and made sure my art would be recognised; he gave me the push to be the artist I always wanted, but was too scared, to be; he brought me to Taylor because he knew how much I’d always wanted to have a cat; he didn’t want me to fee
l alone in my cottage and he put lights on my tree so I’d have something to guide me home at night; and he came to talk to Graham and Gloria because he knew I’d never be able to forgive him or move past his lies without them accepting his being here. He knew that I couldn’t accept his love while he was still tied to his father and everything that his father stood for. But mostly he knew I could never be happy with him until he was happy with himself.

  Ever since I met him, he’s done things for me, things I didn’t have to ask him to do because he knew I needed them. He’s shown how much he cares for me instead of just telling me. And he’s waited for me even though he didn’t know if I’d ever be able to move on from the past. He’s loved me even though he couldn’t be sure that I could ever love anyone else after Lucas.

  He has my heart. He has since we met.

  The heart that he holds is now racing like crazy. I climb down from the bed and kneel in front of him so that our eyes are level. ‘Life has felt impossible since Lucas died, but you’ve made me happy again. It hasn’t been easy for us, but I don’t know, I can’t help thinking that we were meant to find each other. And I know you’re unsure about how I feel but . . .’ I stop to take another breath and try to hold back the tears. ‘I love you. And it’s no less than I’ve loved before. And if I hadn’t had that other love, we would never have met. Sometimes I wonder if Lucas brought us together somehow. It feels as if we’re meant to be. That we have his blessing.’ The tears really start flowing then and Robert is crying too.

  ‘You love me?’ he asks so softly, I barely hear him.

  I smile through my tears. ‘Yes, I love you.’

  His eyes light up and he pulls me to him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I lean into him, glad that we had time apart because I think we both needed it to decide who we wanted to be, and to be sure we wanted to be those people together. ‘You have my heart, Rose,’ he says then.

  ‘And you have mine.’

  When he leans back, he wipes away a tear and then smiles at me. ‘You scare me, Rose.’

  ‘Why?’ I ask him nervously.

  ‘I’ve wanted so much for my life that I’ve never thought I could have. I’ve spent so much time wishing I could tell my father to back off, to go after what I want, but I’ve never had the guts to do it – but you make me feel like I can do anything. That’s scary, Rose. Really scary, but also kind of wonderful.’

  ‘It’s the same for me,’ I tell him, reaching out to trace the stubble on his face with my fingertips, causing him to take a sharp intake of breath. I smile up at him. ‘I don’t know how long you’re going to be here.’ Now it’s my turn to look uncertain.

  He leans in to whisper in my ear. ‘You’ve got me for as long as you want me.’

  ‘Well, that’s good, because I think I’m going to want you for a long time.’ Desperate to feel his lips on mine, I clutch his shirt with my fist and pull him towards me. Then I pause before our lips meet and search his eyes. ‘But you don’t know what you’re going to do, do you?’ He’s left his job and home and I don’t want him to decide what he wants to do is far away from me here.

  ‘I will,’ he promises and closes the gap, crushing my lips with his. I wonder if I’ll ever not feel the heat that pulsates through my body as we kiss, pressing our bodies together as we frantically try to be as close as possible.

  We stay on the floor as we shed our clothes. Our time apart has made us so much stronger, and every time he touches me my body lights up like it’s on fire and Robert relishes making me burn.

  Chapter Forty

  Robert and I meet Emma and John for breakfast at Mrs Morris’s café the following morning. We sit at a corner table huddled over steaming cups of tea to fight off the bitter frost of the morning, and then Mrs Morris brings over a plate of bacon and egg sandwiches.

  ‘So, we have a big birthday coming up . . .’ Emma says, grabbing a sandwich and taking an enormous bite, ketchup spilling out of the corner of her mouth. John hands her a napkin.

  I groan. ‘I can’t believe I’m going to be twenty-seven.’

  ‘Wait until you’re almost thirty-one before you complain,’ Robert replies, giving me a nudge to remind me he’s older than the rest of us.

  ‘We have already made plans,’ Emma continues with a mischievous grin playing on her lips.

  ‘What plans?’ I ask, instantly curious.

  ‘We have to tell her,’ John says to Emma. ‘Remember the twenty-two incident?’

  Robert looks at me questioningly, so I explain what happened for my twenty-second birthday. ‘Well, Lucas decided to have a surprise party for me at Joe’s. He didn’t know that I’d asked Joe for the night off weeks before, so he left work early and met everyone on the beach. Then they came to the bar ready for a big surprise, but there was just Joe there looking confused,’ I tell him with a laugh. ‘Lucas had to call to tell me to come to the bar.’

  Robert chuckles. ‘Surprise parties always seem to go wrong.’

  ‘Okay, you didn’t hear it from us then, but there is a surprise party planned,’ Emma says. ‘I want to make sure you turn up to this one.’

  ‘How will I look surprised now?’

  ‘You’ll have to practise. It’s at the Inn – Mick and Joan wanted to thank everyone, I think, so this was the perfect opportunity.’

  Robert’s phone rings. ‘Unknown – probably a cold call,’ he says, looking at the screen. He answers it. ‘Hello? Yes, speaking. Who? What? Oh . . .’ He stands up hurriedly and gives us an apologetic look before walking outside to continue with the call.

  ‘I hate having my birthday at Christmas time,’ I say, glancing through the window to see Robert pacing outside the café as he talks on the phone.

  ‘We promise not to give you a joint present,’ John says. Emma elbows him. ‘What was that for?’

  ‘I’ve already got her present.’

  I lose track of their bickering as I watch Robert put his phone in his pocket and run a hand through his hair before kicking the kerb with his foot.

  ‘Something’s going on,’ I say to Emma and John, standing up and going outside to him, feeling their eyes on me. ‘What is it?’ I ask, going over and putting a hand on his shoulder.

  He turns to me and I see tears in his eyes. ‘It’s Jeremy.’

  I take an involuntary step back.

  ‘What’s happened? I ask, fearing the worst. My pulse starts to speed up and I can feel it throbbing in my neck.

  ‘He’s in hospital. A suspected overdose. The hospital had no one else to contact. He’s unconscious. In intensive care.’

  ‘Oh, Rob, I’m sorry.’

  He looks at me and I see the fear in his eyes. ‘I have to go to him. Now.’

  I don’t miss the implied words ‘before it’s too late’. ‘Of course.’ I watch helplessly as he moves to his car parked a few feet away and then I step forward. ‘I’ll come with you.’

  He looks up as he pulls open the car door.

  ‘No, Rose.’

  ‘You might need me.’

  ‘But it’s . . . Jeremy.’

  I take a deep breath. ‘You might need me,’ I repeat. The man I love needs my help and I’m not going to let the past hold me back from being there for him. ‘Let me help you.’

  He hesitates and I take that as agreement, jumping into the car before he can stop me. He climbs in beside me.

  ‘Are you really sure?’

  ‘Just drive, we’re wasting time.’ Robert starts the car up and I grab my phone to hastily text Emma to explain our sudden departure from the café.

  I watch Talting roll past us silently. I take Robert’s hand in mine and he squeezes it gratefully. I know that if a member of my family were in hospital, I’d want him with me. I try not to think about it being Jeremy, about seeing the man who destroyed everything; I just focu
s on being here for Robert. But in the background my mind buzzes with the word ‘overdose’. Could he have done this because of the accident? Tried to take his own life because of his guilt?

  We drive out to the hospital just a couple of hours away, and find the intensive care unit. We walk hand in hand in nervous silence through the corridors to get there.

  We find Jeremy’s doctor in the unit. ‘Jeremy took an overdose of sleeping pills. The friend he was staying with found him and called an ambulance. He was conscious for a few moments when he arrived but hasn’t woken up since. We are getting the pills out of his system and then it’s a waiting game to see if there will be any . . . lasting damage.’

  ‘He took sleeping pills?’ Robert repeats, looking dazed. His face has no colour.

  The doctor nods gravely. ‘I need to do my rounds now, but you can go in and see him. And do you have a contact for his parents?’

  ‘I’ll call them,’ he says quickly.

  The doctor nods. ‘Any questions, just ask,’ he says before walking away briskly.

  Robert steps forward to look through the glass. I join him and we see Jeremy on the bed full of tubes, the steady beeping of a heart monitor next to him. ‘I can’t believe this. I thought he stayed away because he was okay, you know? But . . .’

  I take hold of his hand again and squeeze it. There are no words to say right now. ‘What about your parents?’

  He shakes his head. ‘My mum would be hysterical and my dad would immediately start worrying what people will think. Jeremy can decide when to tell them.’ He looks at me. ‘He will be okay, won’t he?’

  I pull him to me and wrap my arms around him. It kills me to see Robert in pain. I look at Jeremy again, trying to reconcile this weak and defenceless man with the monster I’ve long believed him to be. Robert loves him in spite of everything; he’s his brother, and for that reason I will him to be okay. And then I feel guilty all over again, even though this is all beyond my control, because he has the opportunity to be okay whereas Lucas doesn’t. I look away and go to sit on one of the plastic chairs in the corridor. If he isn’t okay then two lives will have been wiped out because of one night. Can I ever wish that?