The Second Love of My Life

by Victoria Walters

  We stay in the hospital most of the day and I buy us coffee and sandwiches that we barely touch. The doctor and nurses are in and out and pronounce him to be stable, but still he lies in that bed unconscious. When there is no sign he’ll wake up as night draws in, I persuade Robert to come to a hotel nearby with me to get some rest.

  Here Robert paces the room, unsure if he should be calling his parents now. Because what if the worst does happen?

  ‘If they lose out on the chance to say goodbye . . .’ I say finally, unable to watch his agitation silently any longer. I lie on the bed as he paces in front of me. I don’t want his parents involved any more than he does, but I think about Gloria and Graham and how they would have done anything to have been with Lucas during his last moments.

  He stops and nods. ‘I can’t believe he did this. I never thought for one moment . . . I’m sorry, you’re right, they should know,’ he says, taking his phone out of his pocket and looking at it as if it might explode in his hands. Then he looks at me. ‘Are you sure you’re okay with this?’

  I think about it for a moment. How will we get through this and any other emergency that may affect his family? ‘He’s your brother. He’s important, I get that. Look, if we are going to be together . . .’

  He sits on the bed by me and smiles a little. ‘If? I thought this was a done deal. It is for me.’

  I smile too. ‘And for me. Okay, so we are going to be together, well then . . . What do we do about your family in our lives?’

  His phone rings in his hands, making us both jump. He answers it quickly and lets out a long breath. He looks at me and smiles.

  ‘He’s awake,’ he mouths. ‘Thank you, we will.’ He hangs up. ‘They want him to rest tonight but we can see him in the morning. I better call my parents now. He’s going to be okay.’ He climbs off the bed then looks back at me. ‘Thank you, Rose. You amaze me.’

  I shake my head. ‘I just love you.’ I realise that it’s enough for me. We can get through anything because we have each other now.

  He looks at me as if he feels exactly the same. ‘I love you too.’

  He calls his parents and I lean back against the pillow thinking about the strange turn of events. How could I have imagined that I would end up being so closely linked to the man who drove into Lucas that night? And yet here I am supporting Robert, his brother, and feeling relief that he’ll be okay for Robert’s sake. And I suppose part of my anger was always about Jeremy being able to carry on with his life when Lucas’s ended, but it’s clear now that he has been struggling enough to ingest a bottle of sleeping pills. I can’t feel any sense of satisfaction, though. Instead I just feel more heartbreak that another person has had their life ruined by that night, and that someone Robert loves was so close to being gone too.

  For Robert’s sake, I need to find some kind of closure. I can’t spend my life confused as to whether I want Jeremy to be miserable or happy, and terrified before any family event in case he’s there. I want Robert and I to build a life together – so does that mean accepting his family like he would accept mine?

  I think about how great he’s been about me being so close with Lucas’s parents. He’s never stopped me remembering or talking about Lucas; every day we’re surrounded by memories of my life with him; and yet he wants to be with me, wants to be in Talting and has always been respectful of my marriage and the life I shared with Lucas.

  Can I do the same for him? I close my eyes, wishing for a sign to show me what to do. I wish I knew what Lucas would want me to do. I feel the familiar ache of missing him that I think I always will.

  Robert hangs up the phone and comes to lie beside me. He wraps his arm around me and I lean into him, taking my usual comfort from his proximity. He kisses me gently on top of my head and I feel myself slide into sleep, exhausted by the day and nervous about what awaits us tomorrow.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Robert admits to not sleeping much when we get up the next morning and picks at the room service breakfast we order. He is obviously anxious to see his brother and offers to order a taxi for me back to Talting but I tell him I’m coming with him. I know that if I don’t see Jeremy now then it will weigh on my mind, possibly even for years, and if Robert and I stand a chance of making it as a couple, I need to face this sooner rather than later.

  The hospital is eerily quiet when we arrive, dawn having just broken. We go back to the ICU and through the glass I can see Jeremy looking up at the ceiling. He looks so small. His hair is scruffy and fair. I can see why no one from Talting linked the two of them. They couldn’t look more different.

  I watch Robert staring at his brother as if he’s looking at a ghost. He hasn’t seen him for two years, so the description isn’t far off. He looks at me. ‘Will you . . .’ I take hold of his hand and we step inside the room, drawing slowly closer to the bed.

  ‘Robert?’ Jeremy says, his voice just a croak. Robert walks up to him and sinks into the chair by the bed, taking his brother’s hand in his. Jeremy’s eyes drift to me. I hover behind Robert, looking into the eyes of the man who took Lucas from me, and almost extinguished himself too.

  ‘This is Rose,’ Robert says softly. Jeremy looks confused and Robert nods. ‘Rose Walker.’

  ‘Rose?’ Jeremy looks at me, frowning as he tries to place me. I wonder if he recognises me from the newspaper reports at the time.

  ‘She was Lucas’s wife,’ Robert confirms, his voice soft. ‘We are . . . together.’

  ‘Together?’

  I sink down into the chair at the edge of the room, no idea what to do with my hands. I shift uncomfortably under Jeremy’s piercing gaze.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Robert asks then, drawing Jeremy’s attention from me.

  ‘I’ve been better,’ Jeremy answers with a wry smile. Then he coughs, wincing at the pain that follows. He shifts himself in the bed.

  ‘Why did you do it?’ Robert asks with urgency. ‘Why didn’t you call me? All this time I haven’t heard from you, I didn’t know where you were, or anything . . .’

  Jeremy sighs. ‘I had to get away from . . .’ His eyes find mine again. ‘Him,’ he finishes, his voice cracking.

  I stand up. I feel as if the room is closing in. ‘Coffee,’ I blurt out. ‘I’ll get . . .’ I hurry out of the room and around the corner where I lean against the wall and suck in two deep breaths. I am filled with pity for him and that is a hard feeling to bear. I walk off in search of coffee and sit alone outside to drink it, giving them time to be alone. I saw the questions in Jeremy’s eyes – how could Robert be with me? I don’t know how Robert will answer that. It makes no logical sense and yet here we are.

  After I’ve sat with an empty plastic cup in hand for half an hour I know I should go back in. I have things I need to say to him. When I walk back into his room, the brothers are talking quietly and both look at me when I enter. Robert smiles, his eyes lighting up, as I know mine do when I see him. Jeremy looks cautious, nervous, scared . . . small.

  Jeremy looks at me and then his brother and then me again. Then he picks up their conversation. ‘I just thought it would be easier for everyone if I . . .’ He trails off and an uneasy silence follows his sentence.

  Finally, Robert clears his throat. ‘You made a mistake.’

  ‘It was more than that,’ Jeremy snaps.

  ‘I know that,’ I say before Robert can respond. ‘Your mistake cost me my husband.’

  He flinches as if I’ve slapped him. ‘You don’t know how sorry I am, how I wish I could go back in time. I thought I was okay to drive . . .’ He coughs and his eyes drift to the ceiling again. ‘Mark should have just left me . . . let me . . .’ He trails off and I walk right up to the bed so he has to look at me.

  ‘Do you know how selfish that sounds?’ I say, my anger rising. ‘Lucas didn’t have a choice that night. Do you think if he h
ad he would have chosen to die? You got a second chance and this is what you choose to do with it? You could have died too that night.’

  ‘I should have done,’ he says quietly.

  ‘I’m not going to lie to you, if I had the option, then yes, I would want Lucas to have lived over you. Of course I would. But I’ve fallen in love with your brother and for his sake I hope that you’ll be okay. He doesn’t deserve to be put through any more pain because of you. You owe it to him, to me, to yourself, but most of all you owe it to Lucas to do something with your life. To make something of your life.’ I am breathless by the end of my rapid speech. My hands are shaking afterwards and Robert stands up and wraps an arm around my waist to hold me steady.

  Jeremy’s eyes glisten with tears. ‘How do I do that?’ he whispers.

  Robert looks down at him. ‘You turn things around. You find something positive to do. You rebuild yourself and your life. You don’t let the past ruin your future.’

  Jeremy coughs and wipes his eyes. ‘It’s that easy?’

  ‘Of course it’s not easy,’ Roberts says. ‘You think these past years have been easy on any of us? No. It’s been hard as hell and it will keep being hard. But what’s the alternative? We all just give up? No. We can’t. We all owe it to Lucas to live our lives to the full.’

  Jeremy chokes back a sob and I look away, my own eyes filled with tears. There’s a long silence. I sink into a chair again and Robert returns to his brother’s side. Jeremy quietly cries. I see someone broken on the bed. I think we all broke that night. Now we need to put the pieces of ourselves back together again. Finally, Jeremy looks at me. ‘I am so sorry about what happened,’ he whispers, his voice so fragile, I have to lean forward to hear him. ‘I know that can’t mean much to you.’

  I wipe my own eyes. ‘It does mean something, I can see you are sincere. And I wouldn’t want anyone to feel so desperate they do what you tried to do.’ I lean my head against the wall behind me, feeling exhausted. ‘I know that you didn’t set out that night planning to get into an accident, but the fact is, it happened and you shouldn’t have been driving. And then you avoided any consequences for it. We didn’t get any justice for Lucas and I’m never going to be okay with that. You should have gone to prison and if I could make it happen even now, I probably would still want you sent there.’ I pause to take in a long, shaky breath. ‘But I can’t change the past; all I can do is try to move on and think about the future. I don’t know what twisted bit of fate thought I should fall in love with your brother, but it’s happened, and I’ve had to come to terms with the guilt I felt about that and hope that Lucas would understand and want me to be happy.

  ‘Being with Robert means you’ll always be in my life, however dimly, and I know he wants to see you happy as well. I can’t ever forgive you for what happened. I lost my husband and he was the best man, better than you’ll ever be however hard you try, and I’ll never forget him or how he was taken from me. What I’d like, though, is not to see you waste your life. I know that Lucas wouldn’t want that either. He loved life and he’d want to still be here if he could, so you need to respect your life, and make something positive happen out of all this devastation.’ I lift my head up. ‘You need to promise us you will,’ I add, meaning us in this room and Lucas wherever he is. I can feel him somehow giving me the strength I need for this. I hope he’ll always be there to bring me strength. I think he will.

  Robert’s phone beeps with a text – his parents are on their way.

  ‘I don’t think I can . . .’ I start to say, trying to stop the tears from flowing. I can’t deal with meeting them too today. I need more time for that.

  ‘I’m taking you home,’ he says firmly, understanding instantly. ‘Jeremy?’

  Jeremy holds out a hand to me. ‘Rose?’

  Hesitantly, I get up, walking slowly towards the bed. I touch his hand, which feels cold against mine, and he curls his fingers around mine. Jeremy’s eyes meet mine. ‘I promise,’ he says.

  I nod, having to trust his word for now. I can see someone who’s fallen so far and I hope that he will lift himself back up. I let go of Jeremy’s hand and have to admit I feel a sense of peace in letting go of some of my anger towards him. I needed to do this. I hope he lives up to his promise. Robert takes my empty hand and leads me out of the room, enveloping me in a tight hug once we’re outside. I sob in his arms, releasing everything I’ve been holding on to.

  It’s time to let it all go.

  It’s time for us to be free.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Snow arrives on Christmas Eve, an event I haven’t ever seen in Talting before. The white flakes flow in thick sideways sheets, covering the roofs and pavements like a cake being dusted with icing sugar. The town looks like a Christmas card picture.

  I fiddle with my outfit, hoping this evening goes well. I chose a red velvet dress for tonight and have covered it with my thick black wool coat to ward off the weather as I wait for Robert to pick me up, listening to Christmas music.

  It’s been a couple of weeks since Robert and I visited the hospital and Jeremy has been allowed home. He has chosen to stay with their aunt, and his mother is going to stay there too. I think Robert is pleased they will all be taking some time away from his father. He’s going to see them on Boxing Day. I think he’s determined to help Jeremy now to make sure the past doesn’t repeat itself. And I’ll give him the support that he needs.

  There’s a soft knock at the door and I open it up, smiling immediately when I see Robert. He looks good in a white shirt, skinny tie and dark trousers topped off with a dark wool coat. I prefer him in his casual Talting look, but he looks sexy tonight. He kisses me on the cheek, handing me a single red rose.

  ‘You look stunning,’ he says, giving me an appreciative look up and down.

  ‘So do you.’ I lay the rose down on the table and pick up my bag. ‘Ready for our dinner?’

  He winks. ‘Definitely.’ He takes my hand and we step outside, hurrying to the car but instantly getting covered by a layer of white.

  ‘It hasn’t snowed at this time of year before,’ I say, shutting the car door quickly.

  ‘Emma is pretty stressed about it, worrying about the caterers—’

  ‘Caterers? How big is this thing?’

  Robert grins as he switches on the engine and a welcome blast of warm air hits us.

  ‘I don’t think Emma does anything by halves, right?’

  I lean back in the seat. ‘Oh, God.’

  Robert pulls away and drives towards the Inn.

  ‘I thought my time of being the centre of attention was over after my exhibition.’

  ‘No way. There will be plenty more of those, for starters,’ he replies. ‘I think it’s sweet she wants everyone to celebrate you.’ He reaches over and squeezes my hand. ‘I haven’t forgotten your present, by the way, it just needs tweaking.’

  ‘Tweaking?’

  ‘All will be revealed later.’

  ‘Intriguing.’

  He pulls into the Inn car park, which is suspiciously empty of cars. I laugh. ‘Where the hell did they put them all?’

  ‘There’s a blocked up road over there,’ he says, jerking his finger. ‘I said they should leave some as there would be people staying at the Inn, but I was outvoted. The caterers were pretty annoyed, I can tell you.’

  ‘I bet. Shifting stuff in this weather would not be fun. Okay, let’s do this.’

  ‘Have you practised your surprised face?’

  I nod and put my hands up to my face, dropping my mouth open dramatically. ‘Is this okay?’ I joke, knowing I look ridiculous.

  ‘Maybe open your eyes wider, like this,’ he says, pulling a face that makes him look like a fish.

  I burst out laughing.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Come on, loser.’ I
climb out and shiver immediately. We hurry into the lobby and make our way to the restaurant, hand in hand. The open fire and Christmas decorations are a welcome sight after being outside, even for only a couple of minutes, and I feel warmer already.

  We walk through the door into the dark dining room, which suddenly lights up. The faces of friends are before me, all shouting ‘surprise!’ and waving their drinks. I try to do a good job of looking surprised and gasp – probably a bit too melodramatically – as I hear Robert chuckle under his breath, but actually it’s not that easy to pretend to be surprised when you’re not an actress. I think everyone is too pleased with themselves to notice, though.

  Emma jumps on me, pulling me into a big hug.

  ‘Happy birthday, lovely,’ she cries, thrusting a glass of champagne into my hand and somehow pulling my coat off at the same time. She gives it to Robert and pulls me further into the room. The usual tables and chairs have been taken away and there’s just a table at the end with food and drink piled on it with a big banner with gold letters saying ‘Happy Birthday Rose’ draped above it. There are gold balloons touching the ceiling and lights draped across the doors that lead on to the terrace. The town is all dressed up and the room looks both elegant and festive. Christmas music plays softly from the speakers by the doors and the room smells of warm spices from scented candles in each corner.

  ‘This place looks amazing,’ I say to Emma.

  ‘I’m glad you like it. Look,’ she says, pointing to the corner where a pile of presents waits for me.

  ‘I said no presents,’ I hiss, but she just shrugs and leads me over to her parents standing with Gloria and Graham.

  I lose sight of Robert as I greet everyone and try not to get too emotional at being surrounded by everyone I love. The champagne is not helping with this. My last birthday was a quiet one as I struggled to enjoy it without Lucas – he always made a big deal out of my birthdays – but I’m glad Emma did this for me this year; it really feels like a new beginning. For all of us.