Emma’s mum comes over to hug me. ‘You and Robert must come for dinner soon with Emma and John,’ she says, giving me a warm smile.
‘We will, I promise,’ I reply. I’ve always suspected Mum asked her to watch out for me and, even though I’m all grown up now, she still always lives up to her promise.
‘Right, I won’t hold you hostage,’ Sue says, looking over her shoulder as a woman makes her way to us.
‘Happy birthday, Rose.’
‘Heather,’ I cry, kissing her on the cheek. ‘Thanks for coming.’ I spot Robert then, in the corner talking to Mick. He’s out of hospital and is doing okay but Joan hovers close by him, eyeing him anxiously. Robert senses my gaze and smiles across at me. He looks like he’s planning something.
‘I wouldn’t have missed it. Are you working on anything new yet?’
I smile at her mind always being on business. ‘No, but I have a couple of ideas.’
‘Well, I can’t wait to see them.’
‘Well, well, my two favourite ladies,’ Dan says, coming over to stand between us. He’s wearing a leather jacket indoors and looks comical standing next to Heather in her elegant black dress. They would certainly be an unconventional couple, but something tells me they would work.
‘You again?’ I joke, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek.
‘What can I say? This place is growing on me.’
‘Maybe you can hold a retreat here one day.’
‘You know, I might have to come along on one of these retreats myself after hearing so much about them,’ Heather tells him.
‘I would love that,’ he says. She looks a bit stunned that he seems serious and I edge away, hoping the festive season might encourage something to blossom.
Emma pushes her way through a group to find me. ‘Are you having a good time?’
‘It’s great, thank you.’
‘What are best friends for? Okay, I have something to tell you,’ she says, hissing into my ear. ‘I was going to wait but I really can’t.’
‘What is it?’
‘Let’s go outside.’
‘It’s snowing.’
She waves a gold-wrapped box. ‘You’ll get your present out of it.’
‘Okay, fine.’ I grab my coat and follow her out of the door and on to the terrace. The snow has died down but it’s still icy cold and the breeze floating from the water takes my breath away. The noise and the warmth of the party fades as Emma pulls the door shut behind us.
‘Okay, here you go. Happy birthday,’ she says, passing me the box. ‘Oh, and I’m pregnant.’
Chapter Forty-Three
I give Emma a big squeeze. ‘I’m so happy for you.’
She leads us over to a table and we perch on a seat, making sure our coats provide a barrier between us and the cold iron. ‘You know, I was wondering today about when it was exactly that I first thought about having children. I couldn’t remember, because it was something I always wanted. I can’t even really explain why. It was just this feeling inside me, this need to be a mum. I know it doesn’t make sense . . . I just can’t give up something I’ve always wanted. I’m scared, though, after what happened. I just hope that this time . . .’
I give her hand a gentle squeeze. ‘I know.’
‘I just need to believe that everything will work out okay.’
‘You both deserve this. I have everything crossed for you.’
She smiles. ‘I’m going to wait to tell anyone else, though, until I have the three-month scan. I want to be sure this time. But I had to tell you.’
‘I’m glad you did.’
‘Now, open your gift.’
I smile and carefully tear open the silver paper to reveal a photo in a distressed cream frame of Emma, John, Robert and me at Joe’s.
‘Oh Em, it’s lovely. Thank you.’
‘I like him, Rose, and he makes you happy. You used to have all those photos on your mantelpiece, remember? Maybe you can put this one there. Start a collection again.’
I think about all the photos I locked away and the ones hidden on my phone and computer. It would be nice to have photos on show again. The idea of it doesn’t scare me anymore. Memories shouldn’t be something to be scared of; they should be treasured. They made you who you are and what your life is. Good and bad. They are part of you. ‘I think I will.’
‘It feels like a fresh start for all of us, doesn’t it?’ Emma says, reading my mind.
The door behind us opens, flooding the terrace with sudden light. We turn around and see Robert leaning out of the door. ‘I don’t want to interrupt . . .’
‘It’s fine,’ Emma says. ‘I need to get something ready,’ she adds with a wink.
I wonder what cake she has got. It always feels strange eating cake I haven’t made myself. She gets up and gives me a kiss on the cheek, then does the same to Robert.
‘You two are my favourites,’ she says and disappears back into the party, shutting us outside.
Robert comes over and sits down next to me.
‘So, it seems to be present time then?’
‘It’s a tough cross for me to bear,’ I reply.
‘Mine is perhaps an unconventional gift,’ he says, reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out a small silver key. He lays it across my palm. ‘Happy birthday, Rose.’
I narrow my eyes suspiciously. ‘This isn’t for handcuffs, is it? You don’t have some fetish you’re going to tell me about, do you?’
Robert bursts out laughing and gives me a quick kiss. ‘You will never stop surprising me, Ms Walker. And no, it’s not for handcuffs, but if you want to get some, I won’t object. No, I’ll tell you what’s going on.’ He swivels in his seat so he’s facing me and holds my hand. ‘I’ve been thinking ever since I told my dad that I wanted to leave the firm about what to do next. All I knew was that I wanted to be with you, but then I made myself think about what else I wanted and I came up with this place. The summer here was amazing, and not just because of you – I love this town. It’s peaceful but fun, and everyone is kind of crazy, but it’s also a community. It’s a place I can see myself growing old in. And then I thought about the night of the tree lighting. It was so horrible seeing Mick like that and everyone being so happy one minute and panicked the next, but I realised I had done something. I had helped out with the Inn and I had enjoyed it. I liked the problem solving, talking to the guests, helping, managing the staff, organising things.’
I wonder where he is going with this but I nod in complete agreement. ‘You did a great job.’
‘When Mick came back, he was really grateful but he was also worried. The heart attack was a real scare but it had been building for a while. He was finding it hard to run the Inn with Joan. It was getting busier during the summer and at a time when they wanted to slow down, it wasn’t letting them. He admitted he had thought about retiring but he was too worried about who might buy the place. None of their children were interested in taking it on, and he wanted to keep it as a hotel for the town and didn’t want some corporate company to come in and bulldoze the place or something.’
I look down at the key, things clicking into place. ‘That wouldn’t be good for the town.’
‘I agree, so I asked him if someone came forward who promised to keep it as a hotel, who wanted it to remain part of the town, would he sell it? And he said yes.’
‘You bought Talting Inn?’ I say, my voice barely audible.
‘He drove a hard bargain and I had to practically hand over my soul, but yes, he agreed to sell it to me. And selling my flat has meant I had enough to convince the bank to lend me the rest to buy it and renovate it too.’
I let the news sink in for a moment. ‘So, you’ll be staying here? For good?’
‘Yes. That’s what I want.’ He curls his hand ar
ound mine holding the key. ‘I bought this place because I fell in love with it this summer and this is where I want to be. But Rose, I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I also bought it because of you. I want to be here with you. There are cottages out the back they don’t currently use; I thought they might make a great art studio for you.’
My lips curve into a smile. ‘Really? This is so exciting. But will you be able to run it on your own? Mick and Joan were always a team.’ I look down at the key. ‘I’d love to help you, if that’s something you’d want?’
His face lights up. ‘Of course it is. I’d never want your art to be sacrificed, but I can see us working together,’ he says, his hand covering mine and squeezing the key between us.
‘Me too,’ I agree. We’ll make a good team, I know it. I reach for him and we embrace. Robert pulls back to give me a slow, lingering kiss. I don’t feel cold at all anymore.
‘I know that I didn’t do things right when we first met but I’ll spend my life making it up to you, Rose. I love you with all my heart.’ Robert says then, speaking in a low voice close to my ear. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and we look out to sea, watching the dark waves roll over the sand. ‘There’s one more thing . . .’ he whispers.
He leads me through the party into the lounge and over to the crackling log fire that we sat by the night of the tree-lighting. The painting of horses has been removed and in its place hangs my heart painting, Without winter, there would be no spring.
Robert takes my hand in his and I squeeze it, looking up at my painting, which looks as if it was always meant to be here.
I wonder if Lucas is out there somewhere watching us and I wonder what he thinks. He always said that love was a gift and if you’re lucky to have it you should always fight for it. He always fought for us, and now I want to fight for this new love with Robert. I’ll never forget Lucas, though; he will always be in my heart.
Out of a tragedy has sprung something beautiful. I didn’t know that I needed Robert and he didn’t know that he needed me, but we both found what we didn’t know we were looking for.
‘It belongs here,’ Robert murmurs, pulling me closer.
‘Like us. Let’s never leave,’ I say, turning to smile at him.
‘Deal,’ he replies, bringing his lips to mine again. He kisses me deeply, sending warmth through my body and branding himself alongside Lucas forever in my heart.
Epilogue
Eighteen months later
Hand in hand, we enter the church on a warm June day, surrounded by pretty much everyone in town. We take our seats in the front pew and I smile over at Emma standing up at the front with John and the vicar and their baby boy wriggling in her arms.
Today, Lucas Smith is being christened, and Robert and I will be his godparents. I was so touched when Emma and John told me the name they’d chosen for their first baby. I know that Lucas would have been too. I hope he gets to see this, wherever he is. The happiness radiating from them can be felt at the back of the church and beyond. And boy, do they deserve it.
‘Is everything ready?’ I whisper to Robert, fretting about the arrangements for the party afterwards.
‘Don’t worry, they’ll love it,’ he says back, touching my thigh reassuringly.
We both love running the Inn together. We redecorated it and put our own stamp on it, and were relieved to have it fully booked for our first summer as co-managers. Some of my paintings now hang in the rooms, and the income I get from selling my work still amazes me. I work in the cottages Robert had renovated for me at the back of the hotel, whenever I feel inspired, and have actually become a bit of a tourist attraction myself. Dan has even booked to hold his next artists’ retreat with us.
We wanted to keep work and home separate, though, so we are expanding my cottage to make it work for two, well, three, including Taylor.
I glance across at Gloria and Graham, who now come to the hotel for their weekly Sunday lunch and always get the best table with a view of the sea. They’ve welcomed Robert more than I could ever have hoped for and they’ll always be part of my life. It’s been trickier with Robert’s family, but we’re getting there slowly. His mum comes to the Inn for dinner when his dad is away on business. His father has kept his distance, but I know that Robert would like them to be reconciled one day. Jeremy is living in London, training to be a teacher, and is slowly but surely turning his life around. He has been to see us at the Inn a couple of times. Robert is proud of his progress and I’m pleased to see him sticking to the promise he made us, and to himself.
After the service finishes, I slip out of the back of the church. The small graveyard is hidden by trees and I walk towards his grave slowly, letting the peace of the setting sink into my skin.
All I can hear are the birds circling in the light blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. I always feel that nothing can touch you here – it seems so removed from the world, as though it has its own place in the universe, not tainted by anything else.
Lucas actually didn’t want to be buried. He told me that he wanted his ashes scattered at sea but his parents couldn’t bear to do that, and I guess sometimes death is about the people you leave behind, so I didn’t fight them over it. I will always think of him out there in the sea instead of here in the ground, though.
That’s why I have resisted coming here for so long. I look at the gravestone with his name on and hate that it reduces him to something so cold and lifeless, but I refuse to believe this is where he really is. I want him to hear me, though, and maybe this will connect me to him somehow.
I sit down cross-legged in front of him on the slightly damp grass. I clear my throat and speak to him out loud.
‘I was thinking this morning about the time we rowed and didn’t speak for a week. It was before we moved in together and I’d seen you chatting with some girl at school. I can’t even remember who she was; I think she moved to London. But at the time, I was convinced you were flirting with her, that you fancied her. And I didn’t believe you when you said you didn’t. I realised that week how insecure love can make you. I was afraid that we’d break up, but I was too scared to tell you that.
‘Then you turned up at Emma’s parents’ house with that scrapbook. It had taken you ages to cut out pictures of women from magazines – models, actresses, singers. Hundreds of them. And you said it didn’t matter if any of them turned up in Talting, you’d still pick me because you loved me. I still have that book. It was silly but romantic, a bit like you.
‘I’ve never met a celebrity, but I have met a man, and at first, I felt so guilty. Because you never loved anyone but me. You kept that promise you made when we were young enough not to know any better. You never met any woman that you wanted to love more than me. And I didn’t think I’d ever love anyone but you.’ I pause for breath and for a tear to roll down my cheek. ‘The only way I can let my heart move on from us is to love somebody worthy. I want to love someone who deserves it like you deserved it, and someone who loves me back like you loved me. I guess I want you to be happy with the person I choose to love. Because even if I can’t keep the same promise you did, I can keep this one. So, I promise, Lucas, that Robert is someone that I wish you could know. That sounds crazy, but I think you would like him. You would respect him. And that keeps me going.’
I pick up the rings around my neck. ‘I will always wear your rings, Lucas, even though I also wear one that he gave me.’ I glance down at the sapphire engagement ring that Robert gave to me on Valentine’s Day. The proposal was perfect for Robert and me. We went for a walk on the beach at dawn, and we sat on the sand to have the coffee and croissants that Robert had brought and then, as we watched the sunrise together, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. He instinctively knew I wouldn’t want to replace the diamond ring Lucas had given me, so he gave me something unique to match us. We want to have a small wedding on the
beach. That place will always be special to us.
‘Thank you for all those years you loved me, Lucas, I loved you back even more.’ I scoop myself up and look up at the sky as a group of birds fly overhead, out towards the sea. ‘I hope, wherever you are, you are happy,’ I tell him. I look at his grave one last time and blow him a kiss before walking back towards the church where Robert is waiting for me.
I had a love that I grew up with and now I have a love that I will grow old with.
And I will forever be grateful for both.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my agent Hannah Ferguson for believing in this story, and me, and for making my dream of being able to hold this book in my hands come true.
Thank you to my editor Emily Griffin for helping me to make this book the best it could be, and for bringing me to Headline! Much love to the whole team at Headline. Special thanks to my fab publicist Frances Gough, Sara Adams for all your hard work, and Siobhan Hooper for the gorgeous cover.
This novel, like all, went through many drafts before it became the story you’re reading now so thank you to Juliet Mushens, Sarah Bryars and Elizabeth Arroyo for reading early drafts and giving me such helpful notes.
Thanks to Emma Capron and The Hot Bed team for choosing my short story to win their competition and giving me a taste of being a published writer.
Writing has never been lonely thanks to all the support I’ve had from fellow bloggers and writers so thanks to everyone I know online and IRL who have given me feedback on my writing, liked my many pictures of Harry (sorry, not sorry), supported this book and generally boosted me when the self-doubt monster swooped in. That’s everyone on Wordpress, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram – wish I could list you all but think of the trees!
Special thanks to George Lester for always being so supportive and lovely and replying to my endless cries for help. The best cheerleader and friend a writer could ask for.
The Second Love of My Life Page 26