She crossed her arms. “What does that mean? You’re not answering my question.”
He yanked her kayak onshore, turning from her in the maneuver. “Holly, it’s not about feelings to me. Sure, I get lonely. Sure, I dream that I’m a kid again and we’re doing flips off the dock and getting called up for lunch by your grandma’s dinner bell, and then I wake up to realize that not only is your grandma gone, but I’m gone. I punch my pillow a few times, then go for a jog until my body hurts more than my heart so I can get on with the day.”
No response.
He adjusted his shirt. Ran a hand over his head. Finally peeked over his shoulder.
She covered her mouth with a hand. Her eyebrows knit together in concern.
He rubbed at the building pressure in his temples. He didn’t want sympathy. “I guess that’s how I do it. But that’s not what matters. What matters is protecting my family.”
All right, it wasn’t only his family he was protecting. If it was, he’d never have taken those pictures of Caleb and Denise together. He never would have pulled out the binoculars when he saw a car drive up to Holly’s cabin.
“And protecting you.”
Her hand lowered from her mouth. “Maybe you should leave that job to God,” she said.
As if God was enough for her. Did she really trust God’s direction, or did she just pray for protection as she went off and did her own thing? He bit his tongue. He’d try talking her language instead of making accusations. “Maybe God is using me to keep you safe.”
She pressed her lips together as she studied him. “So if God would use you to keep me safe, then why wouldn’t He use me to help you find out the truth about sabotage? That’s kind of a double standard you’ve got going there.”
Really? Theology at midnight? After the day they’d had, she should just be thankful to be alive. She should be thanking him. And if she was going to be mad at anybody, it should be her ex.
“You’re telling me I have double standards? You’re upset I care about keeping you safe, while at the same time, you have not only let Caleb off the hook for this whole mess, but you’ve asked me to help save his life.”
Hand on her hip. “This has nothing to do with Caleb.”
“It has everything to do with Caleb.” She may be the lawyer, but he had plenty of evidence in his favor. He ticked off the list on his fingers. “Caleb was the one who took Lee Galloway as a client in the first place, despite your better judgment. And Caleb was the one who cheated, causing you to break up with him. And Caleb was the one who dumped the crazy client to try to win you back even though—and I don’t know why we are so surprised by this—he’s still dating someone else. Do you want me to keep going?”
She held up her hand. “No.”
“Why couldn’t you have said that when he proposed?”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Holly’s fingernails dug into her palms as she balled her fists. How dare Preston disappear for four years, then come back and get mad at her for moving on without him? “You have no right.”
Preston held up his hands in a shrug. “I had to come out of hiding to save you, so I think I have every right.”
The nerve. “You left, Preston. You let me think you were dead. So if this is anyone’s fault, it’s yours.”
He planted his fists on his hips. “You’re right. It’s too bad I’m not really dead. Because then you would be getting married to a player tomorrow and Lee never would have had to come after you.”
She stepped back. What had Preston just said? Her mind whirled. Why would she be getting married to Caleb if Preston were dead? She’d broken off the relationship because of pictures Denise had sent her. Unless…
“What?” He shifted his weight to the other leg. His eyes flicked away warily.
She could barely breathe as she formed the words to the overwhelming idea. “Did you send me the pictures of Caleb with Denise?” Oh no. Oh no, no, no.
Preston opened his mouth. No words came out.
“You did!”
He reached for her. “Holly.”
She stepped back and held a hand to her heart. “Were you upset because I wasn’t still moping around and mourning your—” air quotes “—‘death’?”
Preston’s gaze bored into hers. He was as motionless as she was animated. “Of course not.”
He looked so innocent that she wanted to believe ruining her relationship hadn’t been his intent. But she’d also believed he was dead at one time.
“Why would you do this to me?”
“I was trying to save you.”
She dropped her head back and groaned. How could the stars twinkle and shine above with such splendor and beauty when her whole world was falling apart? Because even if Preston was able to keep her alive, she was going to have to spend that life all by herself. “My hero. Able to keep me from both a relationship with you and a relationship with anyone else at the same time.”
He exhaled loudly enough to draw her attention back to him. Mistake. Because he really did look like a hero in the moonlight. Damp T-shirt clinging to his muscles. No sweatshirt because he’d given it to her to wear. Determination in his eyes.
He shook his head. “Look, doll—”
Now that was too much, no matter how dashing he looked. She was not his doll. She was not his anything. Including his responsibility. She stepped forward and poked him in the chest before she could stop herself. “You don’t get to call me that anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Holly.” He caught her hand.
She yanked it away. Because the warmth of his touch might melt her heart.
“You can think what you want, but the truth is that when I went to sneak a peek at my nephew after he was born, I overheard my sister mention your engagement.”
Aww… Her fists unclenched thinking about her new nephew. Also Preston’s new nephew. Named after him, actually. Though Preston would never get to hold Pres.
“I wasn’t happy at first. I mean, you were my first love. My only love.”
She melted a little more. Though grudgingly. Because loving her didn’t make it right for him to stalk her and snap photos of her fiancé.
“But I really did want you to be happy. So I decided to take a present over to Caleb’s house and drop it off anonymously.”
Really? He’d done that for her? Like the mother who gave away her baby to keep it alive back in King Solomon’s day.
“And that’s when I saw him with Denise.”
Stupid Denise. Maybe it was all the other woman’s fault. Holly needed someone to blame. Especially if she was going to let Preston off the hook. That was how her lawyer’s mind worked, anyway.
“What would you have done in my shoes, Holly?”
She looked away rather than admit the real reason she was mad. She was mad he’d left her four years ago. She was mad that she’d even had to consider dating Caleb in the first place. She was mad that she liked being with Preston so much that other men didn’t compare. And she was mad that he was leaving her again.
She swallowed down the squeaky voice that alerted people when she was about to cry. “Caleb was a mistake.”
“You deserve better than Caleb.”
She twisted her lips pensively at the thought. She didn’t want to be with Caleb, but she didn’t want to be single, either. “I don’t do loneliness as well as you do, Preston.”
He crossed his arms and stared down at the ground. Maybe he felt the same way she did. Maybe his tough-guy act was all a front. But she’d never know if he wouldn’t open up and talk to her. For example, he could have told her that he was the one who sent the pictures to her when she told him about Caleb earlier that day. But no. He kept everything inside.
He wasn’t the same person she used to know. He was a lone ranger.
What was worse than being alone? Feeling alone when with someone else.
Holly turned to pull her sandals out of the kayak for her hike up the hill. “I’m just going to head up to the cave. Thank you fo
r the sweatshirt. It’ll keep me warm.”
Would Preston join her, or should she start getting used to his absence again? She used to imagine finding him alive. But never like this. There was usually a slow-motion run through a flowery meadow involved. Not this coldness or distance. She slipped her feet back into the leather straps and stood. Turned.
Preston’s chest blocked her path. Her breath caught. Her hand flew to her heart. Was he going to open up now?
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
He’d closed the space between them to tell her he didn’t want to hurt her? If he didn’t want to hurt her, then he shouldn’t be reeling her in like a fish to discard her again. Her collarbones prickled at the chance that maybe he wasn’t going to catch and release this time. She turned her hand around from her chest to his—to hold him back. She couldn’t be caught this easily.
“It hurts to be near you and not know you anymore,” she whispered.
His hand covered hers. “I’m sorry.”
Was there any promise in his eyes? Any plans to make it up to her? Any willingness to be vulnerable and get reacquainted? Was the moonlight playing tricks on her, or was the only glimmer in Preston’s eye that of regret?
“I want you to know that when I left for my final tour overseas, I did love you very much.”
Did? What good could “did” do them? “Did” was a deflated inner tube.
She dropped her hand. “Well. I guess that’s that.”
She stepped onto a rock to climb away from her childhood sweetheart. Once in the cave, she could hide her tears. Though she wouldn’t blame them on Preston. She’d tell herself she was crying over the attempt on her life, and about being under suspicion by the police department, and sleeping by herself in a cave the night before she was supposed to be getting married. She’d refuse to admit that if Preston still loved her, all of those things would have been nothing compared to the reward of finding out he was still alive.
Was there a chance Preston still loved her? What if he’d been trying to open up a moment ago and only stunk it up because he was out of practice with relationships?
She stopped. Turned back. “Unless you want to take me up on my offer to help you investigate the sabotage.”
He shook his head slowly. “I can’t.”
Figured. Though even the Lone Ranger had Tonto.
“There are some things we just can’t do on our own, Preston.”
He rubbed his jaw. “I’m not alone. I’ve got God.”
So he said. But he wouldn’t accept the possibility God brought him back into her life so she could help him. “Remember that scripture about how two are better than one.”
“‘Woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.’” Preston quoted from the very passage she’d been talking about, but his tone sounded darker for some reason. “I know that one well. The thing is, I was part of a team. We were supposed to be there for each other, and I let them down. Now they are all fallen. I can’t let that happen to anyone else.”
“I see.” He’d rather suffer than feel responsible for the suffering of others. He probably told himself it was the right thing to do. He didn’t realize that living in fear was as far from love as you could get. “You’re afraid to love.”
* * *
Though Preston watched Holly climb to the cave, her words remained. You’re afraid to love. No. She didn’t see at all. He was doing her a favor. He was putting her life above his own. He was stepping out of the picture so she could move on and be happy. Just like he’d tried to do with her and Caleb.
Yeah. That had worked out well.
He climbed up after her to sit outside the cave and keep watch. The cold stone seeped through his soggy jeans. The jagged rock dug into his spine. Hopefully, Holly was more comfortable inside, curled up with his sweatshirt. She had to be exhausted.
He might not be able to sleep, but he was used to that. Running from the enemy. Finding places to hide. Staring at the stars alone. It was no life for Holly. Why couldn’t she accept the fact?
Sure, she was lonely. He got that. But that didn’t mean she should help him come out of hiding. She thought she could prove him innocent. But what if she couldn’t? What if she spent all her time with him and didn’t get a chance to live her own life? And he could forget the idea that she might be able to keep his existence a secret. If she didn’t leak it to the police, her mom would be sure to figure it out. Then he’d have to bide his time, waiting for a court date. And what if the judge ruled him guilty and he ended up in prison? How would her relationship with a convict affect her reputation? He was afraid—
Afraid. But not in the way Holly meant it. He wasn’t afraid to love. He just chose not to love. It was the smart choice. The one that would keep Holly safe.
He sighed and leaned back to look at the stars. A satellite glowed as it inched across the horizon. There were more satellites now than when he used to stargaze from the dock with Holly. Meteor showers with her had been the best.
A dull ache radiated from his sternum. He shifted to shake it loose. It didn’t budge. He crossed his arms to smother it. The throbbing intensified.
Why did being with Holly have to make him long for more? He’d been praying for more for years, begging God to grant him justice. But no matter what direction he took, it was always a dead end. His enemies continued to get away with murder.
And now he’d be without a place to stay. Much like David when he’d run from Saul in Bible times. They were both innocent, and both had had to take refuge in the wilderness. But God had brought David out of it.
Preston had given up hoping for a second chance when Holly got engaged. He’d finally accepted the life he would have to live. Which made this situation even crueler. Just when he’d made peace with reality, she had to reappear and tempt him to dream again.
And that dream was so enticing He’d almost given in. He’d even stepped forward with intent to dip his head to whisper a kiss across her soft lips. But if he’d have done that, he’d never have been able to let her go. The lock on the door of his heart would be busted, and the whole door would likely get knocked off its hinges as his feelings poured out. He had to be strong. He had to refuse to let her sacrifice her future for the chance at a life with him. Because that chance had passed. Hadn’t it?
What if David had given up?
The question came from out of nowhere, making Preston’s palms itch. He didn’t want to think about how David’s life had been restored. How the man had been crowned king. How God had granted him justice.
David had been anointed. God had made him promises. Preston didn’t have any such divine destiny on his own life. His story was just one of the many tragedies that took place every day in the world. Who was he to ask for more?
He was no David, but what if he compared himself to the persistent widow? Jesus had told the story of a woman who continued to go to an ungodly judge for help. The judge didn’t help her because it was “the right thing” to do, but so she would leave him alone. Jesus had told the parable as an example of how to pray. Preston used to pray like that. Nothing had come of it, so he’d stopped. He’d given up. He’d been afraid of getting let down again.
Afraid. There was that word again. His heart tapped against his chest as if trying to send him a message in Morse code. His lungs expanded. He blew out the deep breath.
What had the persistent widow asked of the judge? Avenge me of mine adversary.
Dare he make the same request? Could anything come from it or was he just setting himself up for failure again? Were those words he could whisper under his breath, and then, if it didn’t work out, he could blame God? Or were they a prayer he would have to commit to with every fiber of his being? Was he willing to fall down on his face before the Lord and plead the way David had? Could he be that helpless? That relentless?
Such openness would require Preston to unlock his feelings. David certainly hadn’t kept any of his emotions bottled u
p inside. Was Preston ready for that?
Preston shook his head. He’d take baby steps. He’d ask for God’s help, but he wouldn’t accept Holly was the answer to prayer. He still had to keep Holly out of his mess for her own good. If God somehow did bring his enemies to justice and restore Preston’s life, then he could open up to Holly.
“Avenge me of mine adversaries.”
A little hope bubbled within. Not enough for him to sneak back into his parents’ cabin to pick up the engagement ring he’d bought for Holly before he left for the Middle East, but enough for him to be able to relax back into the rock wall and breathe easier. And apparently enough for him to fall asleep.
He opened his eyes to the sun peeking over the mountains and the pink sky reflecting on the still lake. He rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder to loosen up his stiff neck, then reached both hands overhead to stretch his tight back. It would have been a gorgeous, peaceful morning if not for the murderer who might still be on the loose.
After peering into the cave to find Holly with her hands tucked under her face like a pillow, Preston headed down to the water to catch a couple fish with a stick whittled into a spear. He then struck his pocketknife against a rock and caught the sparks on a piece of tinder fungus. By the time Holly joined him, he had two trout roasting over the flames.
“Good morning.” Was she still mad at him or had she gotten over whatever had caused her to explode the night before? Probably just the trauma from the day. If yelling at him had helped her cope, he would let her yell at him anytime.
She walked stiffly toward the log where he sat and gingerly lowered herself next to him. She rubbed her hands, then held her palms to the flames. “You didn’t have time to make any acorn coffee, did you?”
Safe topic. Silly question. He’d consider it a truce.
Presumed Dead (Love Inspired Suspense) Page 8