Jerome Here we go. Those warm vibrant tones …
Jerome presses the door button. They remain out there.
Corinna’s voice Jerome! For heaven’s sake!
Jerome Push the door! Push it!
The doorbell rings again.
Mervyn’s voice (from the speakers) Mr Watkins!
Corinna’s voice Jerome!
Jerome Push the bloody thing –! Oh, for goodness’ sake …
He runs out down the hall. We see, on the video screen, him opening the door to them.
Corinna’s voice (from the speakers, sarcastically) Well, thank you so much.
Jerome’s voice (from the speakers) Come in, then, come in.
Mervyn’s voice (from the speakers) How do you do, Mr Watkins. Mervyn Bickerdyke of Child Wellbeing.
Corinna’s voice (from the speakers) Yes, come on, let’s get out of this hideous hall first …
The screen blanks as they all come inside and the door closes. Corinna enters first, followed closely by Jerome. Mervyn follows behind them. Corinna is, of course, very similar in looks to the original Nan but with little of Nan’s submissive nature and a good deal more personal aura, not to mention neuroses. In her mid-thirties, she is formally dressed as though for a business meeting rather than a social event. Mervyn is about the same age. One of those big, gentle, good-natured, pleasant men, he obviously gets by in his job through kindness and tact and by offending no one – rather than through dynamic personality. At present, he is filled with a nervousness which he can’t altogether conceal.
Jerome (as they enter) … I can’t help it, there’s a fault with the door …
Corinna There was a fault with the door when I left …
Jerome Probably because you slammed it so hard when you went, dear.
Mervyn Hallo, Mr Watkins, my name is –
Corinna If I slammed it, I had very just cause.
Jerome (aware someone is missing) Where’s Geain?
Corinna If anyone had reason to slam a door …
Mervyn Mr Watkins, I think I ought to introduce myself – I’m …
Jerome Where the hell’s Geain? What have you done with Geain?
Corinna Geain is coming.
Jerome What have you done with her?
Corinna She is coming. Geain is coming.
Jerome When? Because I’m not meeting without her. There’s to be no meeting without Geain.
Mervyn Mr Watkins, if I could just nudge my way in a moment to introduce myself –
Corinna Geain went on in the car to buy something. She’ll be here in a minute. Anyway, we need to talk without her first –
Jerome You left that child out there in a car on her own –?
Corinna Jerome, don’t be ridiculous. She is not on her own. It is an armour-plated limousine which cost a fortune to hire – but since that’s the only way we could guarantee to get to this place these days … She has the driver with her and a man riding – whatever it’s called – riding sidegun –
Mervyn Shotgun.
Corinna Shotgun. Thank you, Mr Bickerdyke. Besides which, she is thirteen years old and quite capable of looking after herself.
Mervyn I would endorse that, Mr Watkins.
Jerome (slightly pacified) I’m not agreeing anything without Geain having the chance to say what she feels.
Corinna I’ve no doubt she will. Don’t worry.
A slight pause as Corinna inspects the place. Mervyn seizes his chance.
Mervyn Look, I’m going to nip right in there for a second, just to say hallo, my name is Merv–
Corinna I must say this place is looking remarkably tidy. You must have been scrubbing at it for weeks.
Jerome Well, we wouldn’t want you picking up any nasty germs whilst you were visiting us, would we?
Corinna Us?
Jerome What? (A great show of having forgotten.) Oh, dear. Oh, heavens. Ah. How could I have forgotten? You haven’t met Zoë, have you?
Corinna Zoë?
Jerome Zoë.
Corinna Who or what is Zoë?
Jerome Zoë is my – fiancée.
Corinna Fiancée?
Jerome Yes.
Mervyn Oh. Many congratulations.
Jerome (to Mervyn) Thank you very much.
Corinna Did you say fiancée?
Jerome Yes.
Corinna I don’t believe it. This is a joke – This is an obscene, grotesque joke. A fiancée …?
Jerome Before you meet her, dearest, could I ask you, please – she is very sweet, rather shy – and a little unused to strangers … So, please, don’t try and be clever with her or embarrass her with awkward questions … because she couldn’t cope with that. All right? Would that be remotely possible, do you think?
Corinna I don’t believe any of this. Not one word.
Jerome (calling) Darling!
Nan’s voice (from the kitchen) Hallo, darling?
Corinna My God!
Jerome Darling, what are you doing?
Nan (off) I’m just finishing off in here, darling.
Jerome Darling, come on in, they’ve arrived.
Nan (off) Right you are, darling. Just a tick.
Corinna (rather shaken) Well, this – certainly does alter things. Doesn’t it?
Jerome (smiling) Doesn’t it?
Nan comes in as before.
Nan (brightly, as she enters) Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Sorry. I completely lost track of the time. Typical.
Corinna and Mervyn gape.
Jerome Darling, this is Corinna.
Nan Hallo. Corinna. I’ve heard so much about you.
Corinna (faintly) Have you?
Mervyn has never seen anyone quite like her. Jerome is a little easier, now that he is past the first hurdle.
Jerome Well, now. I’m sure we’d all like some tea, wouldn’t we? Darling, will you fetch the tea, or shall I?
Nan I’ll fetch the tea, darling. Excuse me.
Mervyn (stepping forward to Nan, hand extended) Hallo, may I just say hallo. My name is …
Nan sweeps past him, unaware. He jumps back.
Corinna Are you telling me that she’s living here voluntarily?
Jerome Of course she is. We’re engaged.
Corinna Living with you?
Jerome Why not?
Corinna But she’s – she’s –
Mervyn Very much so. Congratulations again.
Corinna Where did you meet her?
Jerome She’s an actress.
Mervyn (impressed) Really?
Jerome A classical actress.
Corinna Classical?
Nan comes back in unexpectedly. She is empty-handed.
Nan (brightly, as she enters) Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Sorry. I –
Jerome (interrupting swiftly) Darling, the tea!
Nan (unflustered) I’ll fetch the tea, darling. Excuse me.
She goes out. A pause.
Jerome Excuse me.
He hurries out after Nan to the kitchen.
Corinna I think she’s wearing one of my old dresses.
Mervyn Oh, yes?
Corinna She’s certainly made herself at home here.
Jerome (from the kitchen, shouting fiercely) Darling, tea! Darling, tea!
Nan (from the kitchen, equally fiercely) Darling, tea! Darling, tea!
Several loud clangs. The others stare. Jerome hurries back.
Jerome Sorry. Just – lending her a hand. Please, sit down.
They sit. Silence. Jerome listens anxiously. He rises. Then sits again.
Corinna Does she need any help?
Jerome No, no.
Nan returns. She carries the tea pot and a plate of small cakes.
Nan (to the seated assembly) Do sit down, everyone.
Mervyn (rising apologetically) Sorry, I …
Nan Nice pot of tea.
Jerome Oh, super. Clever little cuddles.
Nan And some home-made cakes.
Jerome (rather over-enthusiastically) Home-made cakes! Wonderful! Wonderful! Yummy, yummy, yum-yum.
Mervyn You made these yourself?
Jerome Yes, she did. Didn’t you, darling, you made these yourself?
Nan I made them myself, darling. (She grabs the tea pot rather jerkily.) Tea, everyone?
Jerome (hastily taking the tea pot from her) I’ll pour the tea. (as he pours) You relax. You’ve been at it all day. Precious.
Nan rises at once and kisses him on the cheek.
(rather coyly) Oh, come on. Not in front of everyone …
He laughs. Nan laughs in response. Corinna stares in disbelief.
Corinna I think I’m going to be sick.
Jerome (to the others) She’s been at it all day. Slaving away in that kitchen. Then she was up at dawn, scouring the place from top to bottom. She never stops. All day. Now, do we want milk or lemon? (to Nan) Darling, you won’t have anything, I take it.
Nan I won’t have anything, I take it, darling.
Jerome (to the others) Eats nothing at all. Fierce diet.
Corinna (rather sourly) Doesn’t look as if she needs to bother.
Jerome She doesn’t. Wonderful metabolism. Milk?
Corinna Lemon.
Mervyn I’ll have milk, thank you.
Jerome finishes serving the tea, helping himself as he does so.
Could I stick a foot in the door here just to take this opportunity to say hallo, formally? I’m Mervyn Bickerdyke, Child Wellbeing, of course. I spoke to you on the phone, Mr Watkins. Eventually.
Jerome Yes, so you did. Sandwich?
Mervyn Thank you. (smiling at Nan) Seeing as they were made with your own fair hands.
Nan ignores him. Corinna grabs a sandwich, irritably.
I’m sorry. After you, after you.
All, except Nan, help themselves to sandwiches.
We were just hearing, Zoë, that you were an actress.
Corinna Classical, is that right.
Jerome That’s right, isn’t it, darling? You’re a classical actress, aren’t you, little blossom?
Nan Oh yes. Arkadina in Chekhov and Queen Margaret in See How They Run.
Corinna (puzzled) Really?
Jerome That was the – Royal Shakespeare production, of course –
Mervyn Of course. Now, to the reason we’ve all met –
Something starts to bleep somewhere about his person. Jerome checks Nan nervously.
– we’ve … Oh. Would you excuse me. My bleeper.
He rises.
Jerome (waving towards the console) Do you want to make a –?
Mervyn No, no. I have my portable here. Thank you very much.
Mervyn moves away from them to a far corner of the room. He produces a wafer-thin pocket phone from his jacket and answers his call. He stops bleeping. He murmurs indistinctly while the others continue their tea.
Corinna Well, I have to confess, Jerome, that I am simply amazed. I didn’t think anyone could do it, Zoë. Make a civilized animal out of this man.
She laughs. Nan laughs in response.
Jerome I’m putty in her hands, darling, aren’t I, precious?
Nan Aren’t you, precious?
She gets up and kisses him on the cheek and sits again. Corinna glares at them, disgusted by this blissful scene.
Corinna Don’t think I don’t know why you’re doing this, both of you. Trying to impress that – (indicating Mervyn) – limp lettuce over there … God, he’s wet. Three hours we were in that car with him bleating away. That’s when his bleeper wasn’t going. He was either bleeping or bleating, like a radio-controlled sheep. God, I despair of men these days, I despair. They’re all so lank. And dank.
Jerome (to Nan) My ex-wife airing her views in general.
Corinna Well, ask Zoë. I bet she feels the same. Zoë, outside this very special little love-nest, this haven of domestic fervour, don’t you find most men these days utterly spineless and flaccid? I mean, that’s just talking to them – I’m not even talking about bed. Don’t you agree, Zoë?
Nan looks blank.
Yes, she does. She’s just being loyal, poor thing.
Jerome She knows when to keep quiet, don’t you, Zoë?
Corinna She’d need to. Living with you.
She laughs. Nan, responding to this laughs too. Corinna looks at her rather sharply, sizing up her rival afresh.
Yes, you’re a deep one, aren’t you, Zoë? Quite a lot going on in there, I imagine.
Jerome You bet.
Mervyn finishes the call and rejoins them.
Mervyn Sorry. Never far away from the office when you’ve got one of those.
He waves his phone.
Corinna I thought you said you had two of them?
Mervyn Ah, yes. I have my private home phone as well. In case my wife wants to get hold of me.
Corinna (sweetly) But that one doesn’t ring very often, I imagine?
Mervyn (missing that) Right. Where were we? Yes. Young Geain –
Jerome Look, if we’re going to start talking, I think Zoë would rather – get on with other things.
Corinna Oh, surely not?
Jerome Well, she was saying earlier she felt she’d feel a bit in the way. And she does have some work to get on with. Darling, if you want to go and study now …
Nan (rising at once) I want to go and study now, darling. (She goes out to the bedrooms.)
Corinna No, no, this is ridiculous, she must stay. Zoë! (To Jerome) Jerome, tell her to come back at once, for heaven’s sake, she needs to hear all this.
Jerome No, she really does need to do some work. She has a big audition tomorrow.
Mervyn Really? What’s that for?
Jerome For a musical.
Mervyn (more impressed still) Does she sing as well?
Jerome Like an angel.
Corinna How else? None the less, if she really is intending to live here with you, possibly even marry you – God help her – she ought to be in on the discussions –
Mervyn It would be advisable.
Jerome (reluctantly) Well. For a few minutes. (calling) Darling!
Nan (off) Hallo, darling!
Jerome (calling) Darling, come back.
Nan (off) Right you are, darling, just a tick.
Jerome She’s coming.
Mervyn (indicating the sandwiches) May I –?
Jerome waves for him to go ahead. Mervyn evidently enjoys his food.
Corinna Has she hurt her leg?
Jerome What?
Corinna She appears to be limping.
Jerome Oh, she damaged it – while she was rushing around dancing.
Mervyn She dances as well?
Jerome No one to touch her …
Corinna I’m longing to see her fly.
Nan re-enters.
Nan (brightly, as she enters) Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Welc–
Jerome (cutting her off) Darling, we want you to sit here with us.
Nan (sitting) Yes, darling.
Mervyn Maybe we can persuade you to sing for us before we leave, Zoë.
Jerome I’m afraid not.
Mervyn No?
Jerome No. She’s saving the voice.
Mervyn Oh, I see.
Jerome Professionals. They have to be very careful how often they sing.
Corinna Or even speak, apparently.
She smiles at Nan.
Mervyn Well. I think we ought to – make a start, then. The question we have to decide first, regarding Geain, is whether – (He starts to beep again.) I’m sorry. Please excuse me –
Corinna (exasperated) Oh, dear God.
Mervyn Don’t worry, I’ll put them on to answer. It’s the office again, I’ll put them on to answer.
He fumbles in another pocket as he continues to beep.
Jerome (intrigued) You have an answering machine on you as well?
Corinna If you turn him upside down, he also makes ice-cream.
Mervyn (rather proudly) I’ve got a few wire
s about my person, yes, I have to admit it. (He finds his answering machine and switches it on. The beeping stops. Producing items from various pockets and holding them up to show them) Answering machine. Neat, eh? Home phone. Office phone. Oh, this is an interesting one. Location finder. If you’re ever hopelessly lost. Switch it on and it can pinpoint your on-ground position to within twelve square metres. French. Of course. Then you’ve got this – excuse me. (He takes off his jacket to reveal that the whole of his neck and arms are encased in a criss-cross of wires.) This is a personal alarm system. Latest type. West German. Naturally. Made by Heisser-Hausen Zeiplussen. They’re a subsidiary of Glotz.
Jerome (vaguely) Oh, yes.
Mervyn Any physical attack on my person and this thing screams the place down.
Corinna Do you need a machine to do it for you?
Mervyn (putting on his jacket again) Ah, but what if I was rendered unconscious? I couldn’t scream at all, could I? Whereas this thing. Two kilometre radius – up to an hour, guaranteed. And it automatically phones the police.
Corinna And you certainly couldn’t do that if you were unconscious, could you? Must take you ages getting dressed in the morning.
Mervyn Maybe. But I can get undressed quick enough, if called upon to do so, don’t you worry about that.
He laughs at his own roguish wit. Corinna looks at him coldly. Nan responds, laughing.
(winking at Nan as he sits again) Sorry. Mustn’t get me on to these things. Fatal. My hobby, rather.
Jerome Have some more to eat.
Mervyn Thank you.
He helps himself.
Corinna Lovely home-made cakes, Zoë. Clever you. Very, very like those new deep-frozen ones you bake in the packet. But yours are twice as good.
She smiles at Nan again.
Mervyn Getting back to Geain, then. We mustn’t get sidetracked, must we? We –
The phone rings in the room.
Ignore it. Ignore that. I’m on answer, ignore it.
Jerome That’s my phone.
Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1 Page 28