All week leading up to this afternoon, every time Ashley thought about the party, she checked her emotions. “I’m really okay about this,” she’d told Landon a few times. “My dad’s fiancée is having her wedding shower this weekend, and I’m handling it.”
But as Ashley finished her shower and slipped into a pale floral maternity dress, as she found the right shoes and blow-dried her hair, she felt the familiar doubt creeping back. She was halfway to Kari’s house when she realized that what she was feeling wasn’t doubt but sorrow. The deep sorrow that still came with missing her mom. Strange, because after her mother’s death, a well-meaning family friend had told her something at the funeral that had stuck: “The pain will lessen with time.”
The sentiment was something Ashley had heard echoed several times in the years since, but so far it hadn’t held even a slight bit of truth. Not for her, anyway. There was the initial grief and shock after her mother was gone and buried. The realization that she would never walk through the door again, never join them around the table for a family dinner. Never hold her grandchildren again. But then a different type of sadness hit. The knowing that without a determination to hold tight to yesterday, the ever-pressing tide of the present would wash away the vividness of every beautiful memory.
And something more. The understanding about what a long time it had been since she’d felt her mother’s touch or heard her voice and what a long time it would be until they would hear or feel her that way again in heaven. All of that combined made for an aching loss that sometimes felt stronger than ever.
Ashley focused on the road. That’s what she was feeling today, nothing but the usual sadness over missing her mother and the knowing that came with it. Especially on a day like this one, when there would be no need for a wedding shower for her father’s fiancée if only her mother were still alive.
A sigh rattled up from Ashley’s heart. Elaine was wonderful. There was no reason to arrive at the party feeling less than happy about her father’s pending marriage. She focused instead on her baby and all she still had to do to ready the nursery for his arrival. By the time she parked in front of Kari’s house, her sadness was tucked away in its proper place, in the basement of her soul.
Kari met her at the door, and after a hug her eyes lit up. “Did I tell you?”
“Tell me what?” Ashley set her gift down on a table near the entrance.
“About Angela.” Excitement brimmed in Kari’s voice. “She gave her life to the Lord. She’s not the person she was. Seriously.”
Ashley stared at her sister for a moment. How could she and Kari even be related? Kari was so much kinder than she was. “I don’t know how you do it, meeting with the woman your husband had an affair with.” She leaned against the cool wood-paneled wall and caught her breath. “I couldn’t handle it.”
“If God asked you to handle it, you would. I know you, Ash.”
She wasn’t sure, but she smiled at Kari and shrugged. “You’re my hero. Let’s just leave it at that.” She hugged her sister again. “Is everyone here?”
“Brooke’s running a few minutes late. Elaine and Katy are in the living room. Reagan can’t come. Tommy’s sick.” She dropped her voice. “I’m glad we’re doing this. I think it means the world to Elaine.”
Ashley smiled at Kari. “I agree. It was a good idea.”
They were still standing by the front door when Brooke arrived, and the three of them joined the others in the next room. Ashley and Brooke took turns hugging Elaine and Katy. Once the greetings were finished, Kari announced that it was time to eat. She’d made tortilla roll-ups and fruit salad for the occasion, and after they’d filled their plates, they used the next half hour to catch up on the latest news.
“My kids and their families will definitely be here for the wedding.” Elaine looked pleased. “My daughter wanted to be here today also. She sends her love.”
Ashley crossed her legs at the ankles and adjusted her plate on her knees. That was something else she didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about. The fact that after her father married Elaine she’d have stepsiblings. She smiled at Elaine. “Tell them we’re glad they’ll be here for the ceremony.”
Brooke put her fork down and let out a gasp. “I almost forgot. Dad called me on my way here. He has an offer on the house. He asked us to pray that this time it wouldn’t fall through.”
Ashley stared at her half-eaten lunch and felt herself lose her appetite. It was bound to happen, of course. In fact, the sale of the house needed to happen for her dad and Elaine to afford the new house they’d bought. But still the news landed like a couple of bricks in her stomach.
“I understand you and John have found a place.” Katy was still able to cross her legs. She looked much smaller than Ashley. At least it felt that way. The two of them had gotten even closer during their pregnancies, talking often about the physical changes they were going through and allowing themselves to dream about the future, the way Ashley had done with Kari before she learned Sarah’s diagnosis.
Katy’s question sparked a description from Elaine. “It’s a farmhouse, smaller than the one he’s in now and with much less land. Just half an acre, enough so we can plant a vegetable garden.”
Ashley tried to embrace the image. “That’s nice.”
“It’s closer to town and not far from the university. All that and it’s just a short walk to the park.” She smiled, and a warmth filled her eyes. “We plan to do a lot of walking.”
This was the part about Elaine that Ashley loved most. She would keep their father happy and healthy, bringing him the friendship and companionship he deserved in the next few decades of his life. They were both healthy and fit, and they shared the same interests. Truly Elaine was a gift from God, nothing less.
As lunch wound down, Kari explained that rather than play shower games, they would go around the room and talk about their own love stories and what God had taught them through the journey of time. “We thought it would be good to remind ourselves of how important marriage is to each of us and maybe help you get to know us a little better at the same time.”
Elaine’s expression held gratitude for Kari and each of them. “I think it sounds wonderful.”
Brooke went first. She talked about meeting Peter in medical school and how at first they seemed too competitive for each other. “Actually, that problem followed us into our marriage. Before Hayley’s near drowning, some of Peter’s feelings about me came to the surface. He really questioned my ability as a doctor.” Her eyes held some of the pain of that time in her life. “After Hayley’s accident, God worked out all those feelings. Peter finally realized we weren’t in competition, and it was possible for both of us to be good at what we’re gifted to do. Every time I look at Hayley, I’m reminded of the healing God’s done in our lives—not just for our daughter but for our marriage.” She paused and met Ashley’s eyes. “I guess God’s taught me that miracles don’t always look the way we expect them to look. But that doesn’t make them any less miraculous.”
“I knew some of those details but not all of them. Not the deeper pieces about your marriage.” Elaine looked at Brooke with a genuine sincerity. “Thanks for telling me.”
Brooke nodded and took a sip of her iced tea. “Who’s next?”
“I’ll go.” Katy set her plate down on the table next to her side of the sofa. “My story’s sort of obvious. The tabloids captured most of it.”
“And none of it.” Ashley smiled. “They never really knew either of you.”
“They didn’t, I guess.” Katy talked about seeing Dayne for the first time and the adventure that followed. It took several minutes before she reached the part about meeting up at the theater the day before last Christmas. “In the weeks before that I was pretty sure we were finished.” She put her hands on her round belly. “But God had other plans.”
“You could write a book with all He’s taught you over the last few years.” Kari pulled her knees up onto the chair where she was si
tting. “Wouldn’t you say?”
Katy laughed. “Probably. But one thing stands out. Even if the whole world thinks otherwise, you have to expect the best of the people you love. I knew Dayne. I absolutely knew him. But I let myself be tricked into thinking the worst of the man I loved. I’ll never do that again.”
Just for that moment, Ashley was glad Reagan wasn’t here. The fact was, she’d expected the best of Luke and he’d let her down. But even then there was something to what Katy was saying. In the process of forgiveness, people needed to think the best of each other also. Otherwise there could be no progress at all.
“In some ways I feel like you a little,” Kari told Elaine. “Because I had two love stories.” She gave a sad smile to each of her sisters and Katy. “All of you know about Tim and how that ended.” She turned her attention to Elaine again. “But I’m not sure you know about my past with Ryan.”
“Not really.” Elaine was caught up in the stories, gripped by the details that would now make up part of the fabric of her family life as well.
Kari explained how she and Ryan were childhood sweethearts and how after he went to college on a football scholarship, things grew distant between them. He was playing for the pros when he suffered an injury that nearly paralyzed him. What happened next involved a strange and sad set of circumstances. Kari went to the hospital. When she asked a nurse if she could go into Ryan’s room, the nurse said that his girlfriend was with him. “I thought the girl she was talking about was someone other than me. So I left and never looked back.”
After that, since she and Ryan hadn’t been talking much in the year that led up to his accident, they simply moved on with their separate lives. Ryan fought back to health and took a position coaching, and Kari fell in love with and married Tim. “The timing was so interesting, because Ryan came back into my life before Tim’s death. While Tim was still having the affair. But I knew with everything in me that God didn’t want me falling for Ryan while there was still a chance that Tim and I could work things out in our marriage.”
Eventually Ryan made a determination to stay in New York City, where he was coaching for the Giants. Even after Tim’s murder, Ryan came to visit Kari only once, when Jessie was born. After that it was nearly a year before God made it clear that the two of them belonged together.
“God’s taught me so much over this journey. I guess most of all that love is a decision. I didn’t give up on Tim, and he found forgiveness before his death. I’ll always be grateful for that.” Kari’s voice was thick with emotion. “But I also learned that I need to pay attention to God’s prompting, to the quiet, gentle way He speaks to us in our everyday life.”
Ashley was trying to figure out how to condense her story into a few minutes when suddenly it was her turn. “I was afraid to love; that’s what it came down to. Landon always knew it, and he loved me anyway. Something I’ll never understand.”
She drew a deep breath and started at the beginning. “I was rebellious and difficult. I dressed differently, acted differently. I went against everything the Baxter family stood for.” She had nothing to hide now, no reason to soften the reality of the story. “Landon fell for me in high school, but I thought he was too safe, too clean-cut.”
Her sisters knew her story, but Katy had never heard all the details and neither had Elaine, so she included every aspect of what happened next. “I went to Paris with sheer defiance in my heart. I connected with one of the top art galleries, with the goal to have them look at my paintings.”
But that never happened. Instead she’d met up with one of the premier French artists of the day. His interest in her had nothing to do with her artwork, and soon their friendship became an intimate and forbidden affair. “He was married.” Ashley’s voice was heavy with the pain that still came from remembering that time. “But in his circles married men had affairs all the time, so I let him convince me that our relationship was normal.”
When Ashley learned she was pregnant, he turned mean. “He told me he didn’t want to see me again and that the abortion clinic was down the street.” A shudder worked its way down Ashley’s spine, and goose bumps broke out along her arms. “I went there. . . . I almost did it.”
Quiet hung over the room, and Ashley could feel the love and support coming from everyone gathered around her. “Only God could’ve grabbed me out of that place and sent me back home.” Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at her sisters. “I felt like my family could never accept me, especially Luke. But he came around eventually.”
Ashley explained that in the years after Cole was born, she was unable to feel or forgive herself, unable to fully love or find the energy to paint. But all that changed when she began working at Sunset Hills Adult Care Home. Helping the Alzheimer’s patients reminded Ashley of something she’d forgotten. Every day she was making memories that she would fall back on one day when she was relegated to a nursing home. She was especially touched by Irvel, a woman whose love for her husband continued in a very vivid way, despite the fact that he had died many years earlier.
“My heart was healing, and Landon had come back into my life, but I was so confused.” She sighed and laced her fingers over one knee. “Not until 9/11 did I really understand how much I loved him. And then . . . well, then the real struggle began.”
Once Ashley was able to identify her feelings for Landon, she convinced herself that he deserved someone better than her. “On top of everything else, I had a huge health scare, a misdiagnosed positive reading for an HIV test.” She dabbed her eyes. “I could never have put Landon through that.”
Finally, Landon returned from New York, and Ashley learned that her health was fine. “After that, there was no turning back. I’ll love Landon until the day I die. I pray that if God takes him before me, I’ll have the sort of beautiful memories Irvel had of her dear Hank.”
Kari wiped at the corners of her eyes too. “All of us were so grateful when you and Landon got married. I think Mom and Dad prayed about that every day for two years.” As soon as Kari mentioned their mother, she looked at Elaine. “I mean . . . that’s how strongly they felt about Ashley and Landon as a couple.”
“It’s okay, remember? You can include her when I’m around.” Elaine’s voice was calm and full of a sweet sense of peace. “Ashley’s story is beautiful, and it very much involves your mother. I believe God let her live long enough to see that wedding. It meant that much to her.”
Ashley’s throat felt thick, and she was quiet for a few seconds. Her emotions were high anyway, and now with Elaine showing such grace and understanding, it was all Ashley could do to keep herself from breaking down. She studied the woman seated across from her, the one who would soon marry her father. And before she might change her mind, she stood, crossed the room to Elaine, leaned down, and hugged her. When she could find her voice, she whispered the words pressing against her soul. “Thank you for letting us keep our mom . . . even when you’re here.”
Elaine stood. For several seconds she clung to Ashley. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Eventually the moment passed, and Ashley returned to her seat. Around the room came the sound of sniffling.
Finally Brooke faced Ashley. “You didn’t tell us what God taught you along the way.”
It took Ashley a few seconds to realize Brooke was kidding, and by then a chorus of laughter had begun and was building with contagious fervor throughout the room.
Ashley allowed her own joy to mingle with the others’. The lessons God had taught her were so obvious they hardly needed to be restated. In some ways it was the same lesson He had taught all of them, the one Ashley had read about in Psalm 130 two months ago. For by putting their hope in the Lord and His unfailing love, they had all found the redemption they’d so desperately needed.
Ashley maybe most of all.
Brilliant blue filled the sky outside John’s open bedroom window as he woke. It was early, just past six, but already there was the familiar sound of birds in the tre
es adjacent to the house. John squinted at the sunlight streaming into the room, the sort of bright sunshine that marked early summer mornings and new beginnings. Fitting, he thought, and as he did he slowly began to realize that this was Saturday, the day he’d looked forward to and in some ways feared since he proposed to Elaine.
Today was his wedding day.
He made no sudden move to get out of bed. There was too much to think through, too much to consider first. He breathed in deep and took stock of his room. This was the very last time he would wake up here. Tonight he and Elaine would leave for a honeymoon road trip, stopping at bed-and-breakfasts between here and northern Michigan, and when they returned home, they would begin life in their new house. They had closed on it three days ago, and already they’d purchased new bedroom furniture.
He stretched his arm to the empty side of his bed and ran his fingers over the smooth, cool sheets, the place where Elizabeth had slept beside him all those years. After today he wouldn’t wake up alone again, and suddenly he felt like he was standing on the edge of a cliff about to free-fall into a vast and unknown chasm. How could he walk away from the home he’d made with Elizabeth, from the memories the old place held and from the bedroom they’d shared?
Then just as quickly his fears subsided. Last night they’d had a simple rehearsal, and afterward they’d gone to their new house, walking through the rooms deciding which of their existing sofas would look best against which wall, then going over the plans to have his kids help with the move once the honeymoon was over. They ended the night by sitting outside on the new glider they’d bought for the front porch.
Now John could feel his heart rate return to normal as he remembered the conversation from last night.
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