He hurled the baguette across the room. What was wrong with him? Kara was right. He was selfish. He had no right to speak to her the way he had. The comment about his mother—it was awful. That was all he could say. He had no defense for himself. He knew her well enough to know how deeply she missed her mother and how his comment must have stung. I am a complete and utter jerk.
Brody sank to the floor. He’d always liked and respected Doctor Waller. He was the father of his best friend, but the thought of him with his mother was incomprehensible. It hurt. It made him act like a lunatic. If his dad were here, he could talk this through with him. Ridiculous. If he were here, his mother wouldn’t be entertaining another man.
Why wasn’t he here? How could he have left them so early? After all the years of hard work and their shared dreams, how could his dad have missed the Super Bowl? It wasn’t fair. Brody had done everything right. Kept his nose clean and worked harder than everyone else. He should have gotten to share that moment with his dad.
Brody covered his face with his hands. A sob escaped, but he swallowed it. Sobbing would do no good. His dad was gone. They all had to move on. His mother was right. Why was he the only one who couldn’t seem to?
Dad, can you explain to me why the hell Kara gets under my skin?
But his dad wasn’t here and never would be again. He had to go it alone. He had to figure out how to be an adult instead of a spoiled child.
The first thing he needed to do was apologize to Kara before she left them for good.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Kara
From her years of work in the trauma unit, Kara had learned to leave her emotions behind the minute she walked into the hospital. There was no room for error in that world. She’d needed a clear mind and a steady hand. She’d excelled in that environment.
Why then, was she now crying her eyes out over Brody Mullen?
What was it about Brody that could take her emotions from high to low in ten seconds flat? It shamed her that she’d been so excited to see him after how he’d treated her. Her own heart had betrayed her, broken her resolve to remain aloof and detached.
For weeks, she’d tried to explain away her reaction to him. It was a chemical reaction. She was attracted to him. Completely primal. Nothing to do with reason. She’d been attracted to men before. Not like this, but close. She was a scientist for heaven’s sake. All this could be explained by neurons and pheromones. All the “mones.” Fine. That made sense.
However, the way he could make her feel—this was unprecedented. Kara thought of herself as made of steel. Nothing phased her. She’d sat on the witness stand and testified against her own family without shedding a tear. Sure, later, in the privacy of her hotel room, she’d sobbed in the shower until her skin grew rough and chapped from the hot water. In general, she’d cried more tears over the past year than she thought possible, but never in public. Never at work. She had a steady hand and a calm demeanor, regardless of the chaos around her. It was on all her performance reviews. Kara is unflappable under pressure.
A memory surfaced. One she’d forgotten.
That first month after her mother had died, she’d spent most of her time in the kitchen with their housekeeper. Valerie smelled of apples and cinnamon and had a large bosom and round tummy. Her cheeks made Kara think of a warm dinner roll. One day for lunch, she fixed a peanut butter and honey sandwich with the crusts cut off, like Kara’s mother had made them. She knew they were Kara’s favorite, even though her father said they were too sweet and it was completely inappropriate for a big girl of ten to have the crusts cut off.
“Just a little nibble, yes?” Valerie asked in her thick Russian accent.
Grief had replaced hunger. Every time she tried to eat, nausea gripped her. “Please don’t make me eat it.”
Valerie sat down next to her at the table and pushed aside the plate. “Not today, then. We talk instead?”
Kara nodded, ashamed.
“My mama. She die too. When I was small. Like you.” Valerie motioned with her hand. “This tall.”
Kara studied Valerie’s eyes. They were the color of black walnuts. Was it possible Valerie understood how she felt? “Were you sad?”
“Yes.” Valerie pointed to her chest. “It hurt right here. All the time. I cried and cried. Then, I feel better. Then some of the sadness run out of me. Your mama, she still here.” She tapped her temple. “You will have memories. Later, it will not hurt so much to remember.”
“I have her picture.”
“This is good. You keep it close. My aunt, when I be sad, she hug me. I can hug you, yes?”
“Yes, please.”
Valerie, who spoke little English, but knew the language of love, pulled Kara into her lap. She wrapped her strong arms around Kara’s little frame and rocked her. Kara cried as Valerie smoothed her hair and whispered words of comfort in her native Russian.
“What is this?” Her father strode into the kitchen where they huddled together at the table. He ripped Kara from Valerie’s lap and set her on the counter and slapped her hard across the face. “There’s no crying for your mother in this house. Not after what she did.”
He sent her to her room for the rest of the day. Kara never saw Valerie again.
The memory had disappeared until just now, but not the lesson. Do not cry or you will be punished. A quick study, she developed a public steel plate of armor. Nothing could hurt her. And God help her, no one would ever see her cry.
Now, she must pull herself together and tend to Flora. When she’d brought Flora the tray of food, she’d made an excuse that she needed to make a phone call and would return shortly. Flora needed her. She would make up her face to hide the damage and go do her job.
Two unmistakable hard knocks on the door stopped her before she got to the bathroom. Brody.
There was no time to reapply her makeup or hide her red eyes and blotchy face. He would know that he’d made her cry.
She yanked open the door. Brody stood with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Can I come in for a moment?” he asked.
“I only have a moment. Flora needs me.” She stepped aside to allow him entrance.
This was it. He was going to fire her. It was just as well. Brody Mullen brought out the worst in her.
He shut the door behind him. “You’ve been crying.”
She shrugged. What could she do? Lie?
“Gosh, Kara, I’m sorry. Truly. I don’t know what got into me. You’re already part of this family, and I didn’t mean anything I said.” He looked down at the floor like there was a book of instructions there. “I’m not usually this much of an ass.”
“It’s fine.”
“Please don’t quit. I need you here. I was an idiot just now and I’m sorry.”
Quit? “I thought you were here to fire me,” she said.
“What? My God, no. We need you. My mom’s a new person and I know that’s partly because of you, not only the presence of the good doctor.” He grimaced. “And, Flora’s changed her question from, ‘when is Kara leaving’ to ‘how long can she stay?’ ”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She told me you’re the type of person ‘who can get a thing done.’ I think that’s an exact quote.”
“I did encourage your mom to pursue Doctor Waller. I had no idea you were so against her dating.” She couldn’t keep the hurt from her voice. “Clearly, it’s not my place to act like I’m anything but the temporary hired help.”
“I didn’t mean that. It just came out. I’m sorry. And, I’m sorry for the crack about my mother. I didn’t mean it to hurt you.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t take it that way,” she said.
“Liar.”
She let out a sigh, feeling shaky. “Yes, I’m lying. Maybe you’re right. I’ve grown attached to your mother because she’s filling a role long missing in my life. I admire her, and I’ve grown attached to her. She’s not just some
one I look after.”
“I’m grateful for that. Truly.” He sat in the armchair. “I was down there thinking about my dad. Everything’s changed since we lost him. Flora’s not the only one feeling replaced. My mom and Flora like you better than me.” He smiled, but it didn’t hide the sting from his voice.
“I’ve explained why Flora came to me. It has nothing to do with you.”
“I know,” he said. “But I told my mom I didn’t want her to date Doc.”
“Well, there’s your answer about why she came to me and not you.”
“And why she waited until I was out of the house.” He raked his fingers though his hair. “I feel like such a heel.”
She didn’t say anything. Let him feel like a heel. If the shoe fit the heel, then so be it.
“It’s only been two years since we lost him. Two. I mean, should she be dating this soon?” he asked. “I know. It’s none of my business.”
“I do understand. It hurts to see her with anyone but your dad.”
“So much. For my mom’s sake, I must accept it and move on. But it’s going to take some time to get used to. Jackson’s my best friend. How weird is it if our parents get together?”
“Maybe weird. Maybe wonderful? Think of all the good things that could come from it. All the happy times to come.”
“You think?” he asked.
“I don’t know. But I do know if I had two women in my life who loved me as your mother and Flora love you, I might never ask for another thing in my life.”
He rubbed his eyes. “I got to have my dad into adulthood. You must think I’m awful.”
“I don’t. Not at all. After you lose a parent, you’re never the same.” She sat on the end of her bed. “A few months before she died, my mother moved us back to Philly to live with her parents. She discovered my father was having an affair. When she was killed, I was forced to return to him. He remarried two times in the following eight years. Twice in eight years. Can you imagine?”
“No, I can’t.”
“I hated the women. I hated him for thinking he could replace my mother so easily. So, I get it.”
“But you were just a kid.” The compassion in his voice softened her. His sympathy was salve to her bruised heart.
“I wasn’t allowed to mourn her. I see that now.” She knew why now too. “Tonight I remembered an incident from right after she passed.” She told him what she remembered of Valerie and their conversation. “He taught me in that moment that my feelings of grief were shameful. I never connected it to how I put up a wall, pretending I’m made of steel.”
“Just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you’re not tough as steel. That’s what Flora’s always told me right before she starts to berate me for not sharing my feelings.” That made her laugh.
“I love to hear you laugh,” he said. “And I’m sorry I made you cry. My dad would kick my butt if he knew.” Brody’s handsome features contorted. “Do you know I still pick up the damn phone to call him before I remember?”
“I still talk to my mom. In my head, not on the phone.”
He crossed the room and knelt on the floor in front of her. “Can you forgive me for acting like a horse’s behind? Again.”
Her heart raced. He was too close to her. An electric current seemed to buzz between them. Did he feel it too?
“Brody, I don’t...” Kara bit the inside of her mouth. She shouldn’t have let him close the door.
“What is it?”
“I don’t know if we should be in here alone.”
“Why?” His mouth was set in a hard line as he watched her. A muscle in his cheek flexed. “Tell me why, Kara,” he whispered.
“Because I feel things about you I shouldn’t. You make me feel things I shouldn’t.”
He looked up at her, locking her gaze to him. “I feel it too.”
“It’s just a physical attraction. We hardly know each other.” Not true. She’d shared more with him in the past few weeks than with anyone in her life, even with the almost truths.
He looked down at his hands. When he spoke, his voice sounded raspy and unsure. “Yes, that’s all it is. We’re both people who’ve been alone too long. And we’re living here under the same roof and you’re so—so breathtaking.”
“Breathtaking?” She flushed with heat. “That seems like a stretch.”
“No. Not a stretch. You take my breath away. Every single time I see you.”
“Brody,” she whispered. All she had to do was inch forward on the bed to fall into his arms. She imagined the strength of him and the weight of his muscles in her hands.
“I haven’t been with a woman for a long time, which makes you all the more dangerous,” he said.
“Oh, well, that explains it.” His words crushed her. It wasn’t her, but simply that he hadn’t been with anyone for so long. His attraction to her wasn’t special. She just happened to be in the same house, and he was lonely. Could the same be said for her? No. For her, it was him. It was Brody Mullen who made her senseless. No one else. Not now, not ever.
“It’s not that,” he said. “It’s you. I think about you more than I should.”
“We should just stay away from each other.” She scooted several inches back. Away from him.
He nodded; his eyes glittered with an intensity she hadn’t seen before. Was it lust or fear or anger? Whatever it was, she yearned to be in his arms.
“Is that what you want?” he asked. “To stay away from me?”
No. I want you. “I’ll be leaving soon. Getting involved would be silly. I’d get hurt in the end.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I can’t do casual and that’s all this could ever be.”
“Is it?” He blinked and seemed to hold his breath as he waited for her answer.
“You said yourself that you can’t have a woman in your life because of football. And, I have something as big...something in my past that makes it impossible.”
“You’re right. Of course, you’re right.”
Her voice shook. “You should go.”
He bowed his head. For a moment, she thought he might lean into her calves that still dangled over the bed. But he didn’t. Instead, he shifted the opposite direction as he looked up into her eyes. “Yes, I should.”
When he stood, the heat in the room evaporated. What would she give for him to throw her onto the bed and cover her with his hard body? What lies would she be willing to tell?
But she wouldn’t have to answer that question because Brody Mullen was not available. Not now. Not ever.
And, she’d build a life out of almost truths. He deserved better.
She watched him leave the room. When the door shut behind him, she flopped onto the bed. Getting involved with Brody Mullen was the last thing in the world she wanted or needed. Tonight had proved it. Honor’s assumption about Brody’s feelings for her were incorrect. He wanted to sleep with her, but he didn’t want her in his life. She needed to get out of here before she lost her mind. And her dignity.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Kara
A week later, Kara woke to a message from the private detective. It had taken so long to hear from him, she’d almost given up hope.
I found them. Both still living. Please have Flora call me this morning to discuss.
Kara’s stomach lurched. Flora was about to find the answers she wanted. Please don’t let them break her heart. She glanced at the clock. It was a little before seven. Flora, although doing well, wouldn’t be awake for another hour or so.
She wished she could talk to Brody first—prepare him and ask for his support. But he wasn’t here.
After they’d agreed to stay away from each other, he’d disappeared on a last-minute business trip to the city which he hadn’t bothered to tell her about. She had to learn from Honor that he intended to be away for an entire week.
After showering and dressing, she went downstairs to the kitchen. Flora was there, making a stack of pancakes
.
“Good morning, Kara,” Flora said. “Surprise, I made you breakfast.”
Kara hugged her. “I’m delighted. You’re looking beautiful.” Flora had done her hair, covering any trace of the operation just weeks before, and had made up her face.
“I’m feeling much better. Almost my old self,” Flora said.
Kara took in a deep breath. “The detective sent me a message. He found them. Both. Alive. He wants you to call him.”
“Oh my God,” Flora said. “I’m scared to death. Will you stay with me when I call?”
“Whatever you want,” Kara said.
Flora was too nervous to eat, so they decided to call right then and there. Mike picked up right away. Kara let him know he was on speaker and that Flora was with her.
Mike launched into his findings in his usual clipped and unemotional manner. “I can see why you had trouble finding Dax Rice with a simple Google search. He changed his last name to Hansen after he left Legley Bay in 1973. He and his mother moved to Portland after they were run out of town. Betty Rice found a job in a bar and ended up marrying the owner, Eli Hansen, in 1974. Eli adopted Dax right before his eighteenth birthday. Thus, Dax took his last name and is now Dax Hansen. He went to the University of Oregon and then on to medical school in Boston where he spent much of his career as an oral surgeon. Last year he retired and moved back to Oregon. He lives in Cannon Beach now.”
“He’s a doctor?” Flora asked
“That’s right,” Mike said.
“Is he married?” Flora asked.
“He’s a widower. His wife died five years ago. He has one daughter, Mary. She’s twenty-eight and lives in Portland, having moved there when her father moved to Cannon Beach. From what I can tell from their Facebook pages, they seem close. She’s a librarian. Single.”
“A librarian. He always loved books,” Flora said.
Mike continued. “His marriage appeared to be a good one. Before his wife’s death, there were some posts on social media of places they’d traveled to and photos from their thirtieth wedding anniversary. There were articles in the paper over the years about work they’d both done in the community, mostly for poor kids and aiding single mothers to get an education.”
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