A light knock on the door pulls my attention from my magazine and I look up just in time to see Bentley step inside. I hold my finger up to my lips, gesturing for him to be quiet. He nods and crosses the space towards me. Looking over Patty's sleeping figure, he fixes her blanket and then turns and joins me on the couch that I pushed up next to her bed so that I could be close to her.
“I brought you something to eat.” He says, handing me a white paper bag folded over at the top.
“Thank you but I'm not hungry.” I say, taking the bag from his hand and sitting it off to the side. Sylvia hasn't been here for the last few days as I didn't feel that her services were necessary given that I am here. So Bentley has made a point to bring me food everyday though I rarely eat more than a couple of bites if any.
“Anna. You need to eat.” He says, hitting me with the same look of concern that he has been wearing for the past week. Truth is, I know I look like hell and that I am not taking care of myself but I can't bear the pain that is slowly overtaking me with each day that passes.
“I'm just not hungry.” I look up, hitting him with tear filled eyes.
“How is she today?” He asks, not pushing the issue further.
“She hasn't woken up at all.” I say, turning when I hear Christine, the evening nurse, crossing the room. She stops next to Patty and checks her vitals on the monitor before inserting pain medicine into her I.V. and then walking away again, throwing a nod in our direction as she does.
“Why don't you try to get some sleep?” He asks, clearly seeing how exhausted I am. Truth is, I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I dose off I have a nightmare that she's screaming for my help and I shoot up to find her still sound asleep. I think it's because deep down I am afraid that I will miss her final moments while I'm asleep.
“I will stay and keep an eye on her. I will wake you the second anything happens.” He promises, seeing the hesitation on my face. “Please.” He pleads.
“Okay.” I say, not able to deny how badly I need sleep. Maybe knowing he is here watching over Patty will give me the piece of mind I need to just shut my brain off for a while.
Standing, I lean down and give him a light kiss before crossing the room and ducking down the hall towards my bedroom. I don't bother with the lights as I make my way inside, collapsing on the bed the moment I reach it.
****
When my eyes open, the room is shrouded in darkness. I have no idea what time it is but if I had to guess, I would say it is sometime in the middle of the night. I shoot up, panicking for a moment until I remember that Bentley is with Patty and given that he didn't wake me, she must still be sleeping.
Deciding to freshen up, I flip on my bedside lamp and peel myself out of the bed. Grabbing my duffel bag that Andrea packed full of clothes for me, I sort through it until I find a clean pair of black yoga pants and a plain white t-shirt. Grabbing some clean panties and my toothbrush, I quickly cross the hallway into the bathroom.
It takes me less than twenty minutes before I re-emerge feeling more human than I have in several days. Quietly making my way down the hall, I freeze just shy of the living room when I hear Patty's voice. It isn't until I hear Bentley respond that I realize they are talking.
Holding my breath, I strain to hear what they are saying without making my presence known. I know that it isn't right for me to eavesdrop but at the same time, I want to know what they are saying when they think I am not here to listen.
I feel like a lot of times they both keep things from me because they don't want to hurt me. And while I love them for trying to protect me, I also wish that they would let me make the decision as to what I can and cannot handle.
“You have to promise me. No matter what. Promise me.” I hear Patty's weak voice through the silence of the house.
“You have my word.” Bentley says. Peering around the corner, I see him sitting on the side of Patty's bed, her fragile hand wrapped in his large one.
“You know she won't make it easy on you.” She coughs out a laugh, clearly having trouble speaking.
“She doesn't make anything easy.” He laughs lightly. “But we both know, that's part of her charm.”
“She's going to shut down. I know it. And it terrifies me. But you need to push her. No matter how angry she gets. Push her. Do not let her fall apart. She has lost so much already. She is going to need you more than ever before. I need to know that you will be there for her.” Patty shifts slightly in the bed. Reaching to the table next to her, she pulls something out of the drawer before handing it to Bentley.
“I've had everything already switched over into her name. She gets everything, as she should. We may not be blood but that girl is my baby. Since the day she walked into my studio at four years old, she's been my baby. Please give this to her after I go.” He nods, sliding the envelope into the front pocket of his suit jacket before turning back to Patty.
“I'm so glad she has you. She may not see how much she means to you but I do. I know that you love her beyond words. I know that you would do anything for her.” She smiles weakly, her face illuminated by the small lamp just to the left of her bed.
“She means everything to me.” He says, rubbing his thumb against the back of her hand. It's such a touching moment. One that I feel horrible witnessing without their knowledge but simply can't turn away from either.
“And you to her.” Patty says. “She fights against love because love has always brought her loss and heartache. Even if she can't admit it, that only makes her love harder when she finally opens up to a person. She's opened up to you, I can see that. But I also see that she's still holding back too, which means she's still hesitant.”
“Well, I certainly haven't made it easy on her.” He admits, laughing lightly.
“We all make mistakes and we all have our flaws dear. It's being able to admit them that's the hard part. But if you love someone hard enough, deep enough, no amount of flaws will measure the level that person will love you back, if you earn their love in return.” She pauses, taking a few deep breaths before continuing.
“I want her to have that kind of love. A love that teaches her that loving someone is worth the risk of losing them, whether to this life or another. I want her to get married and have children of her own one day. I want her to realize that even though she can't dance professionally, dance is still part of who she is and she needs to share that gift with the world. I want her to not just believe in happily ever after, I want her to get her happily ever after. At least the best one that this life can offer her. After all, she gave me mine.” I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the sob that works its way into my throat.
I can't bear to hear her say these things. It's one of those moments that fills you with unmeasured happiness accompanied by overwhelming sadness. It breaks me to know how little time I actually got with her in this life.
I should have years with her and not just days. She is going to miss so much. She should be at my college graduation, smiling and telling me how proud she is of me. She should be at my wedding, threatening my future husband within an inch of his life if he hurts me. She should be there to welcome her grandchildren into the world when I finally decide to become a mom, and tell them stories of how crazy I made her when I was growing up.
There are so many things she is never going to experience. So many accomplishments and failures where only her telling me that everything is going to be okay will help. How am I going to face a world without her?
“She's given me mine too. No matter what happens.” Bentley says softly.
Patty falls silent and then her head falls slowly to the side as she dozes back to sleep. I watch him for a moment. The way he holds Patty's hand. The way he looks down at her like he truly cares for her. He has sacrificed so much for me, for her.
Weeks have passed and we have not spent a moment alone since the first week Patty came home. She got too bad too fast. None of us were prepared for it to happen so quickly. I watch him as he lays Patty's hand on he
r stomach and pushes to a stand, turning in my direction as he does.
Stepping backwards into the hallway, I tip toe back into my room and close the door softly, trying to disguise the fact that I was listening in on their conversation. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I take a few deep breaths trying to reign in the amount of emotion boiling to the surface.
I jump slightly when my bedroom door pushes open and Bentley steps inside. “You're up.” He says, closing the door behind him before crossing the room and taking a seat next to me.
“Yeah, I took a quick shower. I feel better. Thank you.” I say, meeting his eyes for the first time. “For everything.” I tack on, feeling the tears well behind my eyes.
“Hey. You okay?” He asks, wiping away a stray tear that manages to escape down my cheek before gripping my chin and forcing me to look at him.
“I love you.” I say, my chin quivering as the words leave my mouth. “I can't thank you enough for everything you have done for her.” Another tear falls followed by another and then another until a steady stream is falling down my cheeks.
“Anna. Baby, look at me.” Bentley says, holding tight to my chin when I try to look away. “I know this is hard.” He says, sliding his hand over to cup my cheek. “But we are going to get through this together. Whatever you need. I am here for you. I will always be here for you.” He promises, pulling me into his arms.
I snuggle into his embrace. It is the one place I feel safe. The one place I feel even an ounce of happiness. It's strange that the one person I pushed away for so long has turned out to be the only person that can keep me afloat in my lowest moments.
He has surprised me in so many ways and he continues to surprise me everyday. Pulling back, I look into his eyes for a long moment, neither of us speaking. There are so many things I want to say, things I want to tell him. But in this moment, I can't seem to form one single word.
“I should get back out to Patty.” I say, taking a deep breath and reeling in my emotions. “I don't want her out there by herself. Will you stay with me?” I ask, feeling horrible for even asking but not wanting to feel the emptiness and pain that weigh so heavily on me in his absence.
“Of course I will.” He says, standing from the bed and holding his hands out to help me up. Pulling me to my feet, he wraps me in tight hug and drops his lips to the top of my head before leading me from the room.
Quietly crossing the space, I do a quick check on Patty before settling down on the couch next to her bed, Bentley sliding in at my side. Snuggling into him, I watch Patty's chest rise and fall with each breath she takes, wondering each time which one will be her last.
I know it's only a matter of time. I can feel her slipping away more and more with each day that passes. Every hour is worse than the last. Her pain becomes harder to bear. She has a harder time staying awake. But even as her body deteriorates, her mind is still her own. Even though the doctors warned me that it wouldn't be, I still see her in there. It's in smaller doses now but she's still Patty. And for that, I am so very grateful.
Chapter
Thirteen
My dearest Anna,
If you are reading this letter then it means that I am no longer with you. Time was not on our side and for that I am truly sorry. But while I may not be with you physically, I will always be watching over you.
I will be watching you when you walk down the aisle on your wedding day. I will be holding your hand when you give birth to your children. I will be next to the tree each Christmas watching as you open gifts and share in the joys of having a family of your own.
I want all of that for you Anna. I want you to experience every happiness this life has to offer because at the end of the day, we only get one chance to get it right. Life is short. Too short. And while we like to believe that we will live forever, the truth is, we won't.
Embrace the life you have been given. Live each day without any regrets. You are bound to mess up from time to time but learn from those mistakes and use that knowledge to your advantage. It's better to live knowing you did everything that you could, than to live a life only half fulfilled because you were hindered by fear.
Be brave Anna. You have greatness inside of you. A strength that I have never seen in another person. Embrace that strength. Go for what you want and always remember that the most important thing you can do in this life is to touch another human soul. Hold onto that.
Never be afraid of what could happen and chase happiness with all you have. Live for you dear. Live the life you want. Live the life that allows you to look back on it someday with happiness and contentment and not longing or regret.
I lived that life. A good happy life. I am so very grateful for everything I was given but the best thing that ever happened to me was the day you walked into my dance studio. You became such a driving force in my life and I have loved you like you were my own daughter from that day on. Because you are my daughter Anna, in all the ways that matter.
I have watched you fall and pick yourself back up more times than I can count. And I know you will get through this as well. Because you are strong and fearless and you will always tackle anything life throws at you.
Dance Anna. Dance in the rain, in the studio, on the street. It doesn't matter where as long as you never give up your love for what makes you, you. You were born to mold the world of dance. Get out there and show them why. Never let what's been taken from you hinder your dreams. We all need dreams. My dream was to have a child. And even though I couldn't physically have children, God gave me one anyways. He gave me you.
Hold onto those you love with all your heart. You never know when they won't be around anymore. And love Anna. Love hard and fierce. Love with everything that you have. And remember those who love you back. Let them help you heal. Let them hold you up when you can't find the will to do it for yourself. Embrace what God has given you my dear.
I love you with all my heart Anna. My daughter. I will be with you always. Watching over you. Guiding you. Never forget that.
All my love,
Patty
Tears trickle down my cheeks as I re-read Patty's words over and over again. Reaching up, I wipe them away trying to clear my vision as I stare down at the letter that Bentley gave me earlier today. He waited to give it to me until just moments ago. I didn't understand why at first but now I do.
It's been over a week since the funeral. I think he knew that I needed a little time to make peace with this on my own before giving me the closure Patty knew I would need. Scanning my eyes over the paper again, my stomach twists painfully at the thought of this being the last communication I will ever receive from her.
Folding the letter, I slide it back into its original envelope and then stand from my spot on the living room floor to shove it into my purse. I have been at this house everyday since the funeral. Going through all of Patty's things, clearing out the house.
Bentley stopped by and picked up the last boxes a few minutes ago. What was once a house filled with life and happiness is now just a hollow shell. An empty space sheltered by bare walls and faded paint.
Andrea tried to convince me to give it some time before taking on the task of selling Patty's house but the truth is, there was no way I was going to be able to move on with this hanging over my head. Better to get all the pain out of the way at once, like ripping off a band-aid.
So instead of fighting me on it, her and Lo have been here everyday helping me. We donated most of Patty's things. With the exception of the few things I decided to keep of course. All of which are small trinkets that I know meant a great deal to Patty. Her grandmother's pearl necklace, her mother's wedding bands and of course, her photographs. I may not have her here anymore but I have years worth of pictures to look through when the urge to see her face becomes too much to bear.
I packed it all away in a small box that now sits next to the front door. It seems so weird, walking away from an entire life with only a small box to remind me of that person. Glancing around, I take
a deep breath, thankful that this is all over but saddened by it as well. This house holds so much of Patty within the walls, it seems wrong to sell it. But at the end of the day, I know she wanted me to. She knew this place would hold too many memories, too much pain.
Bentley hired someone to take care of everything; the house, the car, all of it. When I walk away today, I walk away free. Well, with the exception of the studio which I have decided to keep. I don't know how it's going to work yet but for the time being Shira is keeping the business side going while Jenny, one of the dance instructors and one of Patty's closest friends, is managing the dance side of things. I don't know when I will be ready to step in and take over but I know for sure that I am not ready yet.
Bentley assured me that Shira is loving the change of pace and that I am in no rush to jump back into things. He has been so wonderful. I honestly do not know how I could have possibly gotten through all this without him. I guess it just goes to show, sometimes you just never know what people are capable of until you give them a chance.
“Hey.” His voice washes over me from behind and I spin around to see him standing in the doorway, his body leaning slightly into the frame. “You okay?” He asks, stepping inside and crossing the space to where I am standing.
“I am.” I say, smiling up at him. “Thank you for waiting to give me the letter. You were right to wait. I needed some time.” I admit.
“Patty told me not to give it to you right away. She knew that it would be too much for you all at once. I had specific instructions.” He reaches out and trails his hand against my cheek.
“Well, I'm finished.” I say, gesturing around the space as he steps back and looks around the empty room.
“What now?” He asks, pulling me into his side and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
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