###
I walk back to the car in a daze. The boys are standing in the street, leaning against the car, basked in the yellow light of a street lamp. Both boys stand straight when they see me coming. I don’t cry, although every part of me feels broken and a new sense of numbness fills me. They both say my name, seeing who I will go to. I walk straight into Third’s arms, his face momentarily shocked. Roxie gets out of the back seat, coming over; she wraps her arms over both mine and Thirds. She leans her head in so our foreheads touch.
“What happened?” Roxie is the one to ask.
I take a deep breath because it sucked hearing that Josephine didn’t want anything to do with me. It’s going to suck even more, telling Roe that she doesn’t want anything to do with her, either. I am reminded how small she looked. I am reminded of Everett in her thin, heart shaped face. I plan on stopping back at Jewels, I believe her now. I think I always did, I just didn’t want her words to be true.
“Did you see her? What did she say?” Dylan asks. He reaches for me, putting his hand on my arm.
“She is not what I thought. She doesn’t want anything to do with me or Everett. She made that perfectly clear.”
Roxie shakes her head back and forth. “I can’t believe that.” She hugs me. “Maybe she will change her mind; she just needs a little time to think about it.”
I shake my head at her. “No, I don’t think so.” I feel the pain of guilt for coming to see Josephine. I should have listened to Jewel. I was so desperate to get my answers and full of hope to get my fantasy of having a family, a mother figure in my life that I didn’t care about the casualties along the way.
I look at my friends. They were willing to get in trouble and follow me blindly on a chase that had no end. I have always had what I needed; Everett and the Knights who are willing to love me despite not being theirs. Roxie, who came into my life at a time when I needed a friend the most, though I didn’t even know it then. Third, who is loyal to me, who was my first true friend, who stood up to his best friend for me. Kai, who I am just beginning to know, but is willing to be there for me even if it breaks his heart. Then there is Dylan. Dylan, who I need more than anyone, who has been battling an invisible army for me.
With those thoughts, I want to get out of Savannah. I sigh and turn to them. They are watching me with concerned looks on their faces that I can barely stand.
“Let’s go home,” I say to them. My
“ Alright let’s get you out of here.” Kai comes up behind me, resting his hand on the swell of my back.
“It is okay, really. I am going to be okay.” I let them lead me out of there.
###
The weather mirrors how I feel on the inside when it begins to rain as we pull up to the motel. Everyone exits the car, darting across the puddle soaked pavement to the safety of the overhang. I just stand there, letting the rain soak me. I cannot feel it. My skin feels numb and I want to feel it so badly, but I can’t. Someone shouts something at me; however I can’t make out what they say. I just stare at my hands, cupped in front of me, that fill up with water.
Dylan runs out to me, splashing through the puddles. He shuts the car door that I must have left open. “Come on, Angel.” He grabs my hand and pulls me to the safety under the porch, leading me passed everyone, without a word, to his room. Nobody questions Dylan and I don’t protest.
I stand there like a little kid, my tears dripping onto the green carpeted floor, falling in a steady flow. They continue to flow like a faucet that was turned on and I have no way of shutting it off. Dylan leaves me, broken, standing in the middle of the room, he comes back a moment later with a towel. Tilting my head, he wipes at the corner of my eyes with his thumbs, but there are too many spilling over his fingers. Giving up, he clutches the towel and, picking up pieces of my hair, squeezes out the water before moving to my shoulders.
“I am going to help you get out of these wet clothes, okay?” I nod. My head feels way too heavy for my body to hold up.
He lifts my dress over my head, dropping it to the floor next to us. I close my eyes as he wraps the towel around me, leaving me once again. I hear a zipper and him rummaging through something. He returns, pulling something warm and soft that smells distinctly like him over me. Then, lifting me off my feet, he carries me to the bed, setting me down and pulling the covers up around me. He walks around to the other side and shimmies out of his jeans. The moon spills in through broken blinds, washing him in a glowing light. what am I doing?
I lay down next to him, his arms wrapped over me, and the tears fall. I cannot stop them and don’t try. I let them fall for all those years I tried to help my mother and for every pill she swallowed in hopes to numb the pain. For the mother I never had. For a grandmother that never wanted to be. For a family I did not know existed. I cry for Everett, who has never spoken a day in his life and might not ever. I cry for the pain I am causing Kai by being in Dylan’s bed tonight. I cry for Dylan; for all the pain he ever felt that I afflicted, for not being what he deserves. I cry for myself, the little girl that never got to be. For the hurt that I never let out.
I don’t know when I fell asleep. Sometime during the night I must have cried myself dry. I wake up pressed to Dylan’s chest that is slick from last night’s tears. I sigh, pulling away and wipe away the moisture from the right side of my face before rolling over, looking at the sunlight that spills in from the cracked blinds. “Hi,” Dylan says, his voice heavy with sleep. I avoid his eyes because I know I will crumble and stay in the warmth of his arms.
“Hey.” I sit up and swing my legs over the bed, running my hands over my face.
Dylan places his hand on my back and I can feel the electricity through the thin fabric. “It is going to be okay. We will figure everything out,” he says and I wish it was true.
I stand up. “Look, Dylan,” I say to the wall. “Thank you for last night. For being there for me, but… “ I take a deep breath. The bed creaks with his movement and I know he is out and coming for me. I walk away, scooping up my clothes and clutching them to my chest.
“Barbie, don’t do this,” he says behind me.
My shoulders sag. “Dylan, what did you think was going to happen? That I would forget what happened between us?” I say, realizing I had already forgotten why I was so mad at him. I clutch the damp clothes that smell stale of rain tighter.
“Yes. No. I don’t expect you to forget anything that I did that was wrong, but I thought we could work through it,” he says. I swallow hard and pivot to face him. Damn, could he at least put on a pair of pants? He stands still in his navy blue briefs, his arms holding the same protective stance I have, trying to protect the one thing that could kill me the breaking of the remainder of my heart.
“Dylan, I just can’t.” Hurt flashes in his eyes.
“You cannot or you will not?” he asks.
Really, what is the difference? “Both,” I admit.
I leave him standing there, clutching his heart.
###
I stare at my backpack, the contents spilling out. I came in when Roxie was in the shower. I decided on my way back to my room that I am going to go back to savannah and confront Josephine again. I am going to tell her everything about my mother. How she hurt her so bad. How mother needed her and she was not there for her. It is a gift to my mother to set her free from the clutches Josephine has on her. Something she cannot give her and something to help me move on from the family I never had.
The water shuts off and I hear Roxie’s high pitch giggle and, despite my sadness, I smile. The sound reminds me, once again, that despite everything that happened this year there was some good. I have made real friends. Friends that are willing to truck it across state to help me find an estranged grandmother. To be there for me through the good and bad. Even Dylan has been there through it all.
The bathroom door opens and out spills a very wet, very naked, Third. “Third!” I squeal, covering my eyes.
“Barbie!” He is ju
st as embarrassed as I am. I can tell he is still standing there, naked, too shocked to move.
“Towel. Now.” I point blindly to the table that holds a stack of fresh towels the maid must have brought over. “I think I might have just gone blind,” I tease, smiling because, if there is a happy, naked Third in my room then that means there is a happy, naked Roxie in the bathroom. Maybe I didn’t get what I wanted on this trip, but at least someone I love is getting what they want. “Roxie are you naked in there?” I open one eye, making sure Third is properly covered. He is and he is staring at his feet like a little boy who just got caught doing something he shouldn’t be.
“Yes,” she pipes up. “Can I have a towel please?” she says, shame in her voice. I laugh and pick up a towel, tossing it in the bathroom to her. A moment later, Roxie walks out, towel wrapped around her, looking at her feet, too.
“Well, well.” I say looking at them both, trying to suppress the smile that is creeping up my face. I purse my lips together, holding in a laugh. “I hope you two used protection.” Roxie’s head snaps up, glaring at me, but her face cannot hide her embarrassment; her pale face is bright red.
“We didn’t,” she gasps.
“Hey, sex is fun. I am not judging. I am just saying that if you are going to give away a present, wrap it first.” I wag my eyebrows at them.
“Oh, you would know all about that.” Roxie rolls her eyes. The room suddenly feels cold.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, waiting to hear from her what everyone thinks.
“Never mind.” She crosses her arms and goes back to looking at her feet.
Third, feeling the sudden tension between us, brings in his two cents worth. “Roxie dropped the soap and needed help to retrieve it.” Third smiles, shrugging his shoulders. Now we both gape at him “What?” he asks innocently.
“Go. NOW!” Roxie points towards the door.
“But.”
“Go.” Roxie pushes him towards the door.
“I am not dressed. I might catch a cold.”
“Don’t worry; I will get one of my mom’s to write you a prescription.”
“But… “
“Goodbye.”
“Okay, but if I go out there, it is on you if I get attacked by a mob of women after my sexy body.” He smiles.
“I will live with that somehow.” She shuts the door and leans up against it, sighing.
Now that it is just the two of us, the coldness settles back in between us. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
I sit on the bed. “No, you shouldn’t,” she says coldly. Brrr.
“Look, I am sorry,” I say defensively.
“Whatever; just drop it.” She crosses the room and goes back in the bathroom, shutting the door.
Chapter 35.
Dylan
I lie on my back, counting the rings from the water marks on the ceiling, doing simple math usually helps me think clearly, but all I can see is Barbie. I thought I could show her how I feel for her, but as close as we were, she is still skittering on the edges, just out of reach. She is the one problem I cannot solve.
The room’s door opens and slams shut, so I sit up on my elbows and look at a panting, almost naked, Third. “Did you know that the guy at the front desk has a pit bull named Daisy?” He gasps. I shake my head no, laughing. “Well he does?”
“Third?”
“Yeah?”
“Where are your clothes?”
“I dropped them, hoping they would give Daisy something else to chew on besides my tasty ass.” I laugh. “Hey, it’s not funny, I almost died and it would have been all your fault.”
“Yeah, how’s that?” I ask.
“Because according to my mom, every time I get in trouble it’s your fault.” That is so true.
“So did Daisy offer you a towel?”
“If only. No. Barbie gave it to me when she walked in and saw me in the buff. I am sorry to say this, but when you two, you know-” Third makes a thrusting image “-she is going to be thinking about all of this.” He gestures down his body.
“Well, I will not have to worry about that if Barbie gets her way.” I sigh, dropping back to the bed.
The blanket puffs out as Third drops down on the other side of me. “But I thought you two… when I came back to the room, I saw you guys tangled up. I assumed… “
“Yeah, I assumed, too, but every time I think I am closer to having her back, she takes ten steps away from me. I don’t know if I am ever going to get her back,” I confess.
“Ah, man, that sucks. I thought for sure you two were back together. I couldn’t wait to see the look on douche boy’s face.”
“So, I am taking it you and Roxie?” I ask, changing the subject.
“I am not sure. I mean, I want to. She is all that I think about. I think about her until I’m sure I am crazy and need to be institutionalized. You know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Last night, I was closer to her than I ever thought I would be.” He sighs “She has serious commitment issues. I think it has to do with her ex, but, you know, what if this is all I ever get from her. As fucked up as it is, the pain is better than feeling nothing from her. I will take it.”
It all makes sense to me now. I get it. If pain is all she can give me, I will bleed for her until there is nothing left of me. I know this and if that is all she wants from me, I will give it to her. I jump out of the bed, grabbing my still damp jeans off the floor and pull them on.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Dude, your rambling actually make sense, ya know that? I am going to go tell her that I will take whatever she has to give to me.”
“That’s what I am talking about, man. If you come to me, spouting that shit to me, I would have sex with you.” I roll my eyes and head for the door.
I stop, turning to Third. “Thanks, man. Oh, and bro, will you put on some clothes?”
“I would if I could. If you see Daisy, will you ask for them back?”
I go to the girls’ room and knock on the door, but no one answers. I pound on the door with my fist, calling out to her. “Barbie I need to talk to you.”
The door swings open and Roxie stares back at me. She looks scarier than usual. I wonder if it has anything to do with what happened between Third and her last night. She wears a floor length, black dress with a belt that has metal spikes on it. Her lips are painted black and her hair is gelled back into a sort of Mohawk/ponytail.
“Can I talk to Barbie, please?” She looks me over for a moment.
“She is not here.” What? She must have gone to Kai’s room. I will bust down the door and try to kick his ass if I have to; nothing is going to stop me. “She left just a few moments ago,” she says. “I gave her enough money for a taxi and a bus ticket home.”
“What? Why?” I ask.
“She said she had to do something by herself before she went home.”
“And you just let her go?” I turn to what? Go chase her down on foot?
“Dylan, sometimes people don’t want to be caught. Sometimes it just hurts too bad,” she call after me.
“Yeah, and sometimes people are so afraid of the pain, that they don’t want to feel anything. Third is a good guy he would never hurt you,” I call over my shoulder.
I get back to the room and call for a taxi. She is going back to her grandmother; I know it. She wants answers for her mother. Despite all the shitty things Barbie’s mother did to her, she still loves her, which is how Barbie works, putting those she loves first. Her mother, Everett and even me.
It must have killed her to see me with Katie. I know it killed me to see her with Kai, but that is what she thought I wanted or what I needed.
I grab my back pack and Third comes in right before I leave. “What the hell?” I ask, taking in Third’s attire. He looks like a thrift store just threw up on him. He has on a flowered, silk blouse that is unbuttoned, exposing his chest, and a pair of acid washed jeans that are cut off at t
he knee. Brown leather, orthopedic shoes complete the look.
“So, Daisy ate my clothes, but luckily, they had these behind the front desk.” He pops the collar of the shirt and it flops limply back down. “Can you believe it? People just left all this great stuff behind.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if I would call that lucky.”
“I would. These shoes are kick ass; they are so comfortable. How could anyone leave these babies behind?” He shakes his foot, showing off his new find.
“I would,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“Dude, it is called being a hipster. It is called not caring what you wear. So, I can wear a shirt that looks like it belongs to my grandmother and be confidant that I look good,” he says.
“I think you have to actually be hip to be a hipster.” I snicker.
“I am hip. Not everyone can make this look sexy.” He gestures down the length of his body. We now both crack up laughing.
“Okay, if you say so,” I say.
“So are we leaving?” he asks, pointing to my backpack that I have not finished packing.
“I am leaving. Barbie left this morning. Roxie gave her the money to go back to her grandmother’s.”
I stuff my hands in my pocket. I want to tell him thank you. Thank you for always being there for me even when I am being a complete ball sack. I want to tell him thank you for being Barbie’s friend when she needed one and for being there for her when I wasn’t.
“Third.” I look at him, serious. “Thanks for everything. You know, with Barbie and everything,” I trail off because there really are no words for his friendship.
“I know.” He hugs me, which would normally be really awkward and, if we were in the halls of Central High, would get our asses kicked, but here, in this hotel with Third in his geriatrics attire, it couldn’t be more normal. “So, shit, B went back to her grandmother? I thought that bitch basically told her to go fly a kite in a lightning storm?” Third says.
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