by Love Belvin
“I’m happy for you, Jimmy.” I smiled his way.
“I’m going to get going,” Joan announced, collecting her things around the room. “My nephew has a recital early this evening, and I promised him I’d be in the front row.” She rolled her eyes. “Why did I promise that?” I chuckled, watching her move about the room. She stopped at one point, just gazing around. “I think that’s everything. Jimmy, I’ll see you in a few days. Okay?” Nurse Joan started for the front door. “I’ll lock it behind me,” she shouted over her shoulder.
When I heard the door slam closed, I took a deep breath. My shoulders were heavy and heart weary as I ambled over to his bed and pulled up a chair. I sat down and faced him as I’d do from time to time when I wasn’t working on him. Jimmy’s body may have been cachectic, but his eyes were very much alive and he actually appeared well-rested. I stroked his hand that was as soft and paper thin as an ultra-elderly person. His frail legs were hiked over pillows and cushioned in warmers. The tube lodged in his throat seemed no more than an ornament like a gold chain at this point to me.
James “The Boulder” Wright was in this shell of an invalid. There was a heart, soul, and a human being in there.
My emotions came slamming to the surface by way of a cry unexpected.
I stood to stretch my arms around him. “Jimmeeeeeeeeee!” I blurted a sob so hard it scared me.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, but the moment I recalled his feeding tube, I let up. But the sobs didn’t stop. I sat in the chair, facing him as I tried to calm myself.
“I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard.” I attempted a deep breath. “This has been such a hardship on me. And I just realized about a month ago how lonely I’ve been. My mother’s words are coming back with truth in spades. I’ve been in over my head but I swore I could do it. No matter how hard it’s been, I’d keep my word.”
My eyes closed and I shook my head. “But I can’t do this and fight your kids. I can’t keep floundering in loneliness, having my life on pause, and battle with James Junior, Jerry, and Sherry every other month. I can’t keep having my housing threatened. I can’t keep trying to walk a fine line with your friend, Eli, to keep a job: a job I have no potential of growth at.”
I let a few tears fall without a fight.
“Jimmy, you’re not the only one wasting away before your time. I am, too.” I cupped my mouth.
That revelation I’d been refusing to dwell on, refusing to speak, was painful to finally put into the atmosphere. When I thought to face him, I found Jimmy’s eyes glossed, about to spill tears.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed mutedly, feeling even worse. “I really am. But Jimmy, the next time they tell me to go, I won’t fight. I’ve got a pride about me. You know this. You’ve seen it in me. I can’t stay where I’m being harmed.”
Indisputable tears tipped from his eyes, rendering me weak. I lay my arm across his bony legs and begin to pray. I prayed for Jimmy: his body, heart, and soul. I prayed for me: my mind, will, and strength. I lay there, adrift in petition so long I lost track of time and possibly slipped into sleep. I didn’t come to until I heard and intrusive knock on the door.
My head shot into the air. The first thing I thought of was beneath me. Jimmy’s eyes were closed, lost into sleep. Slowly and disoriented, I stood. Another aggressive knock had me headed out of his room. I rubbed my eyes on the way, trying to wake myself up.
I pulled the door back, but hid behind it. My heavy, and I was sure, swollen eyes cowardly speaking for me. Stupidly. He’d shown later than usual. I honestly wasn’t expecting him at this point.
Rut stood there in basketball shorts, a Kings T-shirt, black ankle socks, and shower shoes holding a paper shopping bag. His thick brows pushed together, head angled slightly in questioning. I knew he could pick up on my unease.
“What’s in the bag?” I didn’t move to invite him in.
At first, he didn’t respond. He spent countless seconds inspecting me from head to toe. I knew I looked a sight. God, did a feel like a wreck on the inside.
He lifted it in his arm. “Trout and bass. Couldn’t decide which one, so I got both because I knew ya punk ass wouldn’t.”
I wanted to talk tough and say I had gotten it and more to prove I wasn’t a punk. But instead, I grabbed the B-Way Burger milkshake cup from where I left it on the table when I got in this afternoon and raised to in the air.
“I decided to eat out. Had a mean craving.”
He snorted, eyes rolled adorably angry. “Listen, Parker—”
“She’s right, Rut. This is Jimmy’s house. It’s not right for me to have male company here. No matter how unsettled things were between us before he deteriorated, we were engaged—at some point,” I had to amend.
Our engagement was so brief it was a joke.
“This morning I was your boyfriend. Tonight I’m male company?”
I scoffed. “You know I didn’t mean it that way—”
“Yeah. I do. And you know what, Ms. Parker? I know either I’m coming inside for dinner and to sleep or you’re packing a big ass bag and coming to my place.” He turned toward the street. “Which house do my girl, Mandee, live in over there? 6071?” I sucked in a heap of air as he turned back to me. “Me personally… I prefer that latter.” He readjusted his stance, widening his long thick legs B-boy style and cocked his head to the side. His brows shot up with full on Rut-arrogance. “But I’mma let you pick.”
I wanted to cry. All afternoon, I struggled with what to do since hanging up with him. Then my run in with James Junior magnified my circumstances to the point I knew I had to prepare Jimmy. My thoughts were so vacuumed into this decision of letting this thing with Rut go I forgotten to eat lunch. Then the coward in me bought fast food to create an excuse as to why I wouldn’t cook dinner tonight. I hated it, the indecision in my heart. Rut was my friend—even if he didn’t admit it, he was. He’d been a rock and a beautiful distraction all in one.
“Don’t fuckin’ play with me, Par—”
On a quick jolt backward, I moved to widen the door. Rut’s monstrous frame promenaded inside like he was at home. That was exactly how I’d come to feel around him.
Domesticated.
Familiar.
I crawled into bed after tucking Jimmy in and taking a much needed shower. It was pitch dark and peacefully noiseless in the room. The minute my back hit the mattress, a sinewy arm hooked me at the waist and pulled me into a hot plank of muscle.
His mouth was to my ear. “You ready to tell me why you were crying before I got here or am I gone have to tickle it out of you?”
That annoyingly pushed my lips into a half a grin. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“I don’t want to be that girl.”
“What girl?”
“The type looking for a savior. As you were made aware of—to my dismay—this morning, I have issues I need to work through. Just like I need to figure out how to legitimize my company, I have to figure out how to reconcile my living arrangement with my commitment to Jimmy. And by the grace of God, I’m going to do it.”
I had to believe this. I’d been praying about it and saving for it. It was the implementation and fear I hadn’t settled.
“Don’t be that girl,” his vocals were hoarse yet snippy.
“What girl?”
“The tough one, who thinks getting help from a man is weak.”
“My mom is actually that woman,” I corrected. “But that doesn’t sound like the worst type of independence to me. Plus,” I took another painful breath, over it all.
“Plus, what?”
“Plus, Rut,” I whined. “I don’t know how long this thing’s going to last between us. I’m fully aware of our age difference, your lifestyle, your wealth, and attention span. I get the reality before me. What I don’t know is what’s that next step. What’s going to happen next and if I’m going to be prepared for it.” I wasn’t rambling, but I wasn’t articulating well either.
Rut turned onto hi
s back and breathed, “I feel you.”
My brows and eyes narrowed. “You do?” my voice down an octave with disbelief.
“Yeah,” his went up. “I do.”
“Pray tell.” I turned on my side to face him, though I couldn’t make much out in the darkness.
“All this shit. The season, Coach Brooks, the money, you…my pops coming home…training camp. All that shit been—I hate to say this word, but—stressing me the hell out.”
I bit my lip, uneasy. “I’ve been wondering about your father’s release.”
“You, too?” Rut exhaled, clearly exasperated.
“You were upset with how he responded to your endorsement with Ase Garb—”
“I wasn’t mad. It was just…”
“You don’t have to lie to me, remember? There’s no judgement here, Rut. You’re going tough guy now.” I moved closer, laying my hand on his chest and inched closer to his face. “You’d never seem weak in my eyes for admitting your fears.”
He chuckled, sarcasm excluded for once. “Funny… That’s what he thinks.”
“Who? Your father?”
He didn’t answer right away. “It seems like everything I do, it’s always something imperfect in it. Even with the draft. He blamed me for not being the first pick. Yeah, I know I fucked up a lil’ in school, but because of that I couldn’t control what happened that night. Then the lowball contract they gave me. He had shit to say about that. You know I had a nice bank nest before the endorsements started a few weeks ago?” It was an unrhetorical question.
“No,” I whispered anyway.
“I’ve been sitting on something since I was like eighteen/nineteen years old. I never told my moms, pops, niggas from home. I only told B-Rocka and deflated how much. My moms live on an allowance from the General and I give her money every month on top of that. I’ve been independent since high school. I ain’t have no daddy to run and ask for money for kicks or to take a girl out to the movies. Shit. Some of my football expenses came from my pocket. When it was something I could handle, I just took care of it. But when he comes at me with complaints, it just…”
“It hurts,” I murmured.
It wasn’t a question in my mind. Rut confirmed it with his silence.
“Rut, as much as I thought you were an asshole when I met you, I’ve come to learn one of the smartest, business savvy, and generous souls on the planet. I was able to gather this only three weeks of knowing you. If your father isn’t aware of those qualities after twenty-four years, you, my friend, clearly aren’t the problem.” I swallowed hard. “Don’t let his title in your life shrink you. You’re proven already. You’re already a success, bud.” I kissed his cheek, feeling how tense his body had turned.
That’s when I decided to change the subject.
“Training camp? That’s a part of your commitment. You’ve been to camps before—loads of times, I’m sure. This one should be the best.”
“They’re going out further this year. Last year they had it at a university, not too far from here. This year, it’s way out in no-fuckin’-where land. Some school in the forest. A whole three weeks with these niggas I ‘on’t even know if I like.”
“You don’t know, though. You have to give it a chance, Rut.”
“How? Sitting with a bunch of nasty ass niggas all day every day for three fuckin’ weeks? I can’t even…”
“What?” I laughed. “Get some booty?”
“No!” his tone turned nasty. “I was gonna say make sure you’re good with Wright’s kids.”
My face folded and heart dropped from my chest. In no time, I was overcome with guilt. I straddled him, shifting my weight to get comfortable on top of his taut body.
“Rutledge Kadar Amare, I will be fine.”
“How do I know that?”
“We’ll be in touch. You can still call, text. FaceTime.” I giggled naughtily. “We can make it fun.”
Rut didn’t bite. “But what if some shit goes down? What if they try to do some crazy shit to make you leave?”
“Then I’ll leave.”
“How? With what?”
“With my resources. You’re not the only one who knows how to stow money. I’ve been able to save a few bucks myself.”
“How you save? Buying budget meals?”
“By doing exactly that. I may have opposing views from inga grayson, but I’ve learned a few tricks from her along the way.”
That reminded me to call my mother. I had to make the next move.
“You can go to my crib.”
“I don’t think I like the idea of rooming with Sharkie,” I joked.
“It would just be until we can figure out your next move.”
I pushed my hand behind me, finding his crotch, and whispered, “Oh, I already know my next move, Rut.”
~Eighteen
“Oh, you look cute!” Mandee complemented before chomping down on the tip of her pizza when I entered the kitchen.
Nurse Jackie turned from pulling her own slice from the pie and her eyes lit up. “Oh, wow, Parker! You make me want to find a stallion to take me out.”
It was a bit unusual to have them both here at the same time. Jimmy was one of Nurse Jackie’s assigned patients by her employer. Mandee, a nursing student, used Jimmy’s care as hands on experience—and now extra cash since Rut had been paying her to keep him while we go out. They both got something out of the deal. Like tonight, Mandee agreed to sit with Jimmy while we went to see a movie. She agreed exuberantly, as she had been for close to a month now.
I smiled, shaking my head at the joke. Then I sashayed in my Saint Laurent sandals with cropped boyfriend jeans and a “I’ll Never Love Another” tank I was handed when Rut and I went to see Young Lord perform last month. I thought it would be a nice ode to Rut, seeing it was his “joint.”
“Thanks, ladies.” I moved closer to the table. “That smells friggin’ amazing.” I groaned. “Makes me wanna ask Rut to stop at a B-Way Burger on our way to the theater and sneak in food.”
“Have a slice,” Nurse Jackie urged. “When I was in the dating game, I’d eat a little something before so the guy wouldn’t know how well I could pack it in.”
“I would, but don’t want any parts of those sausages or pepperoni.”
“Yeah,” Mandee spoke with a mouthful. “Parker’s pescatarian.”
“Pescatarian?” Nurse Jackie shrilled. Her head bounced, sending her orange bangs into the air. “Then what’re you eating at B-Way Burger?”
I closed my eyes and licked my lips as I smiled. “Their fish with cheese, and oh my god, those loaded fries, minus the bacon! Whew!” I rubbed my belly. “I’ve been running to the one by the office for the past two weeks, shamefully.” I recoiled.
“Uhn-huhn…” Mandee’s eyes widened.
“My niece used to work at that one. You know…” She nodded toward me. “the one who had the bypass surgery when she reached six hundred pounds a couple of years ago. She used to tell me stories of closing down the place late night for some of the players. She and her coworkers would dance for hours with that Trent Bailey. This was before he went to prison.” Nurse Jackie fell into a gut-filled laughter, turning her face scarlet. “She used to crush so hard on ‘The Flash!’” she guffawed.
“Jordan Johnson?” Mandee asked.
“Yes.” Nurse Jackie leaned over barely breathing, she was laughing so hard. “She said she would dance so hard with Bailey to get Johnson’s attention, one night she had to go to the emergency room! Could you imagine this white girl, who can’t dance to feed birds, dancing to seduce one of the most popular wide receivers in the world?”
Her hard laughing made us all cackle. I found myself cracking up.
“But let’s get back to the B-Way Burger runs,” Mandee bit into her pizza.
I cringed. “Yeah, that. I think it’s this summer cold I’ve caught. My nose has been stuffy and I’ve been sniffling on and off for a couple of weeks.”
“On and off?” Nurse Jack
ie echoed. “That’s pretty unusual, kiddo.”
“Unusual?” I shook my head. “You wanna hear unusual? Waking up in the middle of the night from cold sweats.”
“Cold sweats?” Mandee shrieked with balls of food in her cheeks. “That’s crazy shit.”
“You’ve been stressed, Parker.” Nurse Jackie’s solemn tone concerned me. She shrugged, regard to her folded pizza. “You’re not fooling anyone around here.”
“Yeah,” Mandee agreed. “Why do you think we’ve been sticking around her so much lately?”
My mouth dropped as I fought back a smile. “You’ve been around for extra cash!”
“This is true,” she mumbled, rolling her eyes. “But for real. You ever think about taking a pregnancy test?”
I sputtered a laughter, “Whatever for?”
“For what their meant for. To see if you’re pregnant. Duh!”
Nurse Jackie laughed.
“What if that’s not possible?” I challenged.
“Pregnancy’s always possible when you getting that Vitamin D!” she projected loudly across the kitchen.
“Mandee!” I cried.
“Sorry. Since I heard Beyoncé say that in that song with Jay Z, it’s been stuck in my head.”
That set off another round of laughter for Nurse Jackie. “She’s a crack up, this one!” She bit into her pizza.
I took off for Jimmy’s room, leaving them to their dinner. Rut would be here any minute to pick me up. We were going to the movie theater on the Kings Courts property. I’d come to learn all the amenities available there. The movie theater, like the restaurants, was open to the public. It was just the housing that was closed off to non-residents. Rut likely chose that one instead of the one closest to here because he wanted a romp before coming back here and going to bed.
I didn’t want him to walk in on a conversation as insane as pregnancy. The guy would die on the spot. Not to mention, other than on my birthday, Rut and I had been having safe sex. He was pretty militant about condoms. We’d been quite a pair, him and me. I’d still been sleeping on his chest every night and peeling back layers of his being. He’d been sweet, determined to make me act my age by doing things like we were doing tonight: going out on a date. It all started with the glamping movie theater he had set up in the backyard for a whole week before the rental company picked up everything. And apparently, it was going to continue into next week when he was taking me to the Brielle concert.