by Kade Boehme
“Well, turns out—” Ase kissed Jase again, then sat back, crossing his legs and picking at the quilt that covered Jase. “I could have gotten my head out of my ass and talked to this sexy deputy I know, and he’d have been hiding me out.” Ase looked back up at Jase, a bit shamefaced. Jase leaned up on one elbow and used his other hand to reach and run his fingers through Ase’s hair.
“He would have been glad to do it. But he’s glad you’re here now, either way.”
It begged the questions “how long” and “what are we doing?” but Jase didn’t even know how to start that conversation. He looked over at the digital clock on his bedside and muttered “Shit.”
“What?” Ase asked, startled.
“Oh,” Jase said, shaking his head. “Sorry. I’m just a bit behind on feeding.”
Ase grimaced. “Yeah, I think you’re good. Your brother is here. I saw him walking toward the barn.”
“Oh, good.” Jase fell back on his pillow and stretched. One of Ase’s strong hands landed on Jase’s pec and stroked down his stomach. Jase sighed at the reverent touch, the sheer worship in Ase’s eyes making his heart ache. Didn’t Ase know he could have Jase any time?
“He also saw my bike.” The guilt that poured from Ase’s words made Jase sit up and place a palm on Ase’s cheek.
“Don’t fret. Really. I knew the ultimate outcome of you staying over. There’re some long overdue conversations all around.” Lord, but Jase couldn’t think about that without coffee and food in his system. “Which can be handled after I piss and have caffeine.”
Ase perked up, proudly. “I made coffee. There’ll be a fresh pot.”
Jase put both hands on Ase’s face and put a big smacking kiss on his lips. “You’re amazing, and I want two of you.”
He didn’t even think too much on how he’d settle for just the one of Ase, and bounded from the bed to take care of his unhappy bladder. While he brushed his teeth, he caught himself humming and felt like he’d lost his mind. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’d been a good night, a decent morning. May as well enjoy the good while it lasted.
That gave him an idea.
After finishing up in the bathroom he sought out Ase. “Hey, there’s a thermos in the cabinet above the coffee maker. Fill it up. Grab some granola bars out of the pantry. We’ll go for a walk.”
Ase’s eyebrows shot up.
“I know. It’s just such a nice morning. And being out of the house will be more neutral.” Ase considered Jase and gave a nod, understanding the meaning behind the words. Meaning it’d be easier to have the conversation they needed to have without Ase feeling trapped or Jase feeling like the walls were closing in.
Jase went into his room and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. “You’re welcome to see if anything of mine will fit you. If the jeans are too short, I at least have gym shorts that should do the trick.” He went back out into the living room. “Or just swipe a t-shirt. God knows with these guns, they’ll all just hang right off you, but you should find something that’ll do.”
“You’re such a fucker,” Ase said, not looking up from his phone.
“Anyway. I’m gonna run and check on Mama. I do every morning.” Which Ase knew, so Jase didn’t know why he’d spelled it out. “I’ll be just a few minutes, and we’ll head out.”
“You sure?” Ase’s earnest worry made Jase’s feet move of their own volition. He pulled the man into a fierce hug and held him until he melted into the embrace.
“So touchy-feely,” Ase teased.
“Only with you.” Truer words. After a beat they separated, and Jase went up to the ranch house. He wasn’t sure at what point he’d gotten back in the habit of just walking in, and if ever there was a morning he’d probably have been more comfortable knocking, today would have been that day, but he walked right in like nothing was amiss and followed the chatter. When he pushed through the swinging door to the kitchen, his mama and Will sat drinking coffee.
Their gazes all bounced around, flicking from one to the other. His brother looked awkward, but that was pretty much his permanent disposition around Jase the last few years. Their mama was contemplative, frowning more than she had in a while.
“Mornin’. Just checking in,” he said, to break the ice. Be cool.
“Good mornin’,” Will said. That was good. Will was one of those people who you could tell his mood by whether he said good mornin’, mornin’, or just plain hey. So, uncomfortable, but nothing out of the ordinary.
“Doing alright this mornin’, Mama?” Jase asked.
“Yes.”
Will looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there when her curt affirmative cracked through the room.
“Okay,” Will said, slowly. To Jase he said, “I got the horses fed. Figured you’d slept in on your day off. S’why I came over early.” He then addressed their mama. “And Michelle wanted me to make sure you were comin’ to church Sunday. There’s gonna be a small lunch or something-or-other for you, since it’ll be your first Sunday back.”
She waved a hand. “I’ll be there. Of course I’ll be there. Tell her I’ll make my macaroni salad.” She then pinned Jase with her gaze. “Will you be going?”
“I can’t. I have to work the first shift.” Though he knew she was likely saying he needed to be in church. Oh well. Work was work.
“Well, make sure you come by for lunch. Michelle’ll be upset if you can’t stop by for a plate.” Will grimaced to say it in front of their mother, but went ahead. “You can bring your friend a plate too.”
Their mama glowered at Will then rolled her neck to give Jase another accusatory once over. “I gotta speak my piece, here. You know I thought that might be what was going on. When I saw him last time, and what with you moping about since then.” Her head moved from side to side. “Now, I love you dearly. But I can’t condone that.”
“What exactly?” Jase said, evenly.
She glared. “Do I need to say it out loud?”
“Mama.”
“Maybe you should,” Will said, a pointed look making Jase want to thump the fucker’s ear.
Jase sighed, pulled out a chair from the table, and sat across from his mother. “Mama. That’s Ase. In my house. And I care about him a lot.”
“Is this why you left home?”
“What? No.”
“You know folks won’t take well to that around here.”
“Mama, a lot of people know I’m bi—that I like both men and women. And they don’t disapprove, at least not my friends. Or my boss.”
Her frowned deepened. “Well, shame on them.”
“Mama,” Will said, disapprovingly. That surprised Jase. Though, Will had never really shared his opinion on Jase’s sexuality.
“You want me to lie?” she asked impassively.
“No. I don’t reckon I do,” Jase said, truthfully.
“He isn’t coming for Christmas.”
“Mama, I don’t even know there’ll be an us at Christmas. And please don’t force me to make that choice. Not this morning.”
“I suppose you’ll be off to San Antonio again then,” she said. Statement, not a question, her voice bored, matter-of-fact. But her chin did that annoying mom-guilt wobble that got an eye roll behind her back from Will.
“You’re well. I was always leaving. But today is not the day for this. Okay. We can talk about this later. Please.”
“You bet your ass we will,” she said, picking up her coffee like that ended the matter.
Will shrugged.
Jase would take it. For now. “I gotta get back. Holler if you need anything.” She waved him off.
He shook his head as he walked out and back to his cottage. His shoulders sagged, a bit in relief at finally having said the words “I’m bi” to his mother. And he supposed, even though she didn’t accept it, she hadn’t lost her shit. As least not yet. He always had that to look forward to.
Just when he started to get lost in thought, feeling antsy, he glanced up. And there
was Ase, stepping out onto the porch with a sympathetic smile and that thermos of coffee, his camera hanging from a strap around his neck. He was wearing one of Jase’s plain grey ARMY shirts. And damn it looked good on him, relaxed and with no hype.
“How’d that go?”
“Could have been worse. Not horrible.” He needed to digest it. And he needed some one-on-one time with his mother later. But he’d done the right thing. And he was proud of himself for having done it. He’d always hoped he’d have the balls to tell his mama what was what if the day came that he had someone special who happened to be a man. For his own sake, his mama’s sake, and that man’s sake, he always wanted to believe he had the integrity to do that. And for Ase, he’d do it again.
“Now, us,” Ase said.
Jase nodded. “Let’s walk.”
Chapter 25
THEY walked through the tall grass until they got to the dirt trail that led around the side of the property and just into the woods. Every once in a while Jase heard the camera doing its happy clicking as Ase snapped photos. It really was a beautiful morning for it. Everything was still just this side of green, getting ready to turn soon.
Jase caught the wistful way in which Ase’s wandering eyes gazed over the ranch and caught himself smiling. He felt content to his bones just walking like this with Ase. It was like every time they got together, just the two of them and that fancy camera, the whole world just got a little more colorful just for them.
God, you’ve gone soft. He snorted at the thought. Soft was the last thing he was around Ase. Maybe soft in the fucking head.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.” He groused at having been busted. “Just being a perv.”
Ase suddenly covered Jase from behind, wrapping his arms around Jase’s middle and nipping his neck just above the collar of his t-shirt. Jase groaned, head falling back onto Ase’s shoulder. He wanted to stay like that, to just get lost in it.
But no. He stepped forward. “Oh, no you don’t.”
“Spoilsport.”
“That’s me. Old cock-block Emery.”
Ase chuckled and continued following behind Jase, who was happy to see they’d finally reached their destination. The old pond on their property had been Jase and his brother’s favorite place growing up. They rode ATVs down during the summer with their friends, swam, played with the dogs. It was peaceful. And their parents couldn’t see when they had girls—or boys—for some play time.
“This is great,” Ase said, taking a knee and snapping several photos.
“Yeah, I love this place. It’s always been a good place to think.”
Ase lowered his camera, smile faltering.
“Come on,” Jase said, holding out his hand. Jase needed this over with. And Ase looked like he needed it as well. The nerves, the waiting for shit to hit the fan. It was… tiring. Ase took the proffered hand and stood to follow.
They made their way to where several plastic chairs, covered in leaves, surrounded a wooden table. Jase pulled out a couple chairs, turned them toward the pond, side by side, and took Ase’s hand again. Ase was right. Jase had definitely gotten touchy-feely all of a sudden.
He needed the tether, for now. He needed the grounding. This might be the last time, though it didn’t particularly feel that way.
They took their seats, holding hands, watching leaves blow over the pond and float on the water. Every once a while a brim would pop up and grab a bug to snack on, disturbing the water in little nips here and there. If anyone had asked Jase six months ago if he ever thought he’d be sitting in this place with Ase, he’d have called them an idiot and told them no way.
It was surreal and amazing and so many other things.
“So…,” Jase said. He couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Yeah,” Ase said, on a sigh. “Thank you for bringing me here.” Ase squeezed Jase’s hand “I just wanted to say that before anything else. This is just like what I imagined. Only less cow shit.”
Jase laughed, giving Ase a playful shove. “Asshole.”
After they settled, Ase breathed in deeply. “Okay, for real though. I guess it’s that time.”
“Guess so.”
More silence.
“Oh, this is dumb.” Ase said, then turned his chair, boring his gaze into Jase’s. Jase flinched back at all the emotion churning in the man’s eyes. But this was Ase’s time. He obviously had something to get of his chest.
“I filed for an annulment. While I was in California.”
“That’s… good. Right?”
Ase nodded. “Very. It’s probably cruel; I don’t know what it’ll do to her legal status. And I know what happened wasn’t all her fault, but she was right there with my papi and the Fix Ase Brigade. So if they deport her, I gave her enough money that if she takes it back with her, she’ll be set for a long while.”
Ase looked away for a moment, then back. “Does that make me a horrible person?”
Jase grumbled. “Better than what I’d do to the lot of ‘em.”
That got the ghost of a smile from Ase. “I told my parents. They told me to fuck off. Not in so many words, but it was bad. And I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother shows up any day now. I’m done. I’m done with the guilt and hurting. I’m done.” And the man looked it, bone-weary and sad.
“Oh, Alessandro,” Jase said, placing a hand on Ase’s knee.
Ase closed his eyes dreamily. Jase just gave his knee a squeeze for solidarity.
“In those weeks, I talked to a counselor a few times. Mostly I went for a consult, and for names of people out here. But, we had a few good sessions. She’s good people.”
“That’s good. That’s real good.”
“She thinks I probably have a form of PTSD. The nightmares, the drinking. She said it’s not uncommon in people who suffered…” Ase paused and looked out over the water.
Jase let Ase have the moment because he couldn’t imagine how it must be to have to look for those particular words.
“Someone who went through sexual abuse of some kind.”
Jase winced. “I…” Selfishly, he wanted to know if he’d made it worse. They’d just been intimate, and he hadn’t really even thought of that. The last thing he should be looking for was to have his own guilt assuaged but Ase caught his expression and quailed.
“Oh, God. No, I don’t want you to think anything we do is tainted.” He squeezed the hand Jase had rested on his knee. “It’s definitely caused me problems, but as far as me and you, it’s perfect. Okay?”
Jase nodded, choked up.
“But I still have work to do. I’m gonna get as better as I can. I feel a lot better after confronting my dad and shit. I feel like I’m getting it together. And having you; it’s just something I never thought I’d get.” The way Ase’s voice trembled shook Jase to his core.
“You know I care about you. A lot.” Jase said the words so there was no lingering but in the air. He meant them exactly as they were spoken.
The light in Ase’s eyes was brilliant suddenly, even if his face was still drawn. “That, that means so much.” He cleared his throat. “I still gotta work on feeling good enough to be with you. I still feel so much guilt. Shame. I hate being this fucking vulnerable.” Ase pulled his own hair and Jase grabbed his hands. Jase could only imagine. He himself hated feeling too vulnerable, but Ase, with his pride and his swagger and his fuck the world attitude, that cockiness that just made him Ase. To have that ripped away and have nothing but this raw quick exposed to the world right now must be devastating. But Jase was honored to be here with him.
“Hey, none of that. Just. What do we need to do?”
Ase almost crumpled. “We.”
No, Alessandro. You’re not too damaged for me. Stop thinking it.
“Yes, we. I know a relationship is probably too much.”
“No. That’s what I wanted to talk about.” Ase sat up straight. “If you’ll have me. I’d like to. Okay, let me start from the beginning.” He
took a deep breath. “I ran into a bit of luck about a week or so ago.” Lord, if anyone deserved a little luck. “One of the queens I performed with regularly was at the club when I went to say hello. She hooked me up with her cousin who owns a bar in San Antonio.”
Jase thought he knew where this might be going and raised a brow. Ase laughed. That was fucking nice to hear, even if it was just for a second. “No, no. Well, yes, I’d be around liquor. But it’s really popular as a Mexican restaurant—and don’t even fuck with me about the cliché.” Teasing was good. Jase smiled encouragingly. They were getting somewhere. Where, Jase didn’t know… but somewhere. “He needs a waiter-slash-bartender. It’s not the money I’m used to as a doctor but—”
“Wait. You’re going from doctor to waiter.”
“Just until I know my next move, career-wise. I still got some money. And I sold some shit to some of the girls while I was in San Diego.” Ase’s excitement grew as he shared his plans for looking at apartments and maybe getting back into photography classes. There was so much he could do with his medical degree but he hated medicine, anyway.
“And I chose this. This was me. I’m doing it for me. And I know a couple of the performers there. I’ll have people.” Ase’s eyes were wide and hopeful, his hands gripping Jase, begging for understanding that confused Jase because....
“Ase. If it makes you happy. I wish you all the best. Really.”
“It’d also make me really, really fucking happy, if we could keep seeing where this is going.”
Jase’s fucking heart. Goddamn, his heart. It nearly exploded on the spot with happiness and fullness, and he didn’t have words. He knew this was going to be work, for both of them. He knew Ase had shit to work through, and Jase himself had some residual daddy issues left, and that he probably needed his own counselor for.
“Ase, we’ve been through a lot of shit, you and me. I think it… it’s something I want.”
Ase’s smile.