Logically he knew there were a lot of very happy people raising very happy children here. But he couldn’t picture himself here. Or his kids. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t see what that looked like.
“You look so serious,” Olivia said, setting a plate down in front of him.
He smiled up at her, shaking off the unwelcome but very persistent doubts. “Just spaced out. This looks amazing. Thank you.”
She leaned down and kissed him before going and getting her own plate, which had more fruit and less bacon to go with the eggs and toast. “It’s fun to cook once in a while. I’m not very good with dinner foods, but I’ve always enjoyed making breakfast and I don’t have a reason to do it very often.”
“There has to be a reason to make breakfast?”
She laughed as she sat down and picked up her fork. “I make eggs and toast a lot, but I usually skip the bacon.”
“That’s the best part.”
“But cleaning up after making bacon is not the best part.”
“I’ll help you clean up, but then we should go back to bed for a while and recover from all that work.”
She gave him a look so hot, he was surprised it didn’t make the bacon sizzle in his hand. “I like a man with a plan.”
Chapter Nine
Derek sat on the hot street, leaning against the hot metal side of Ladder 37, wishing it wasn’t so damn hot and drinking the ice-cold water one of the volunteers who manned the canteen truck had handed him.
The hottest days of summer were a shitty time to fight fires in full gear, but those were the days people were most tempted to move their barbecue grills into the shade of a covered deck. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it set a triple-decker on fire and three families were displaced.
And made tired firefighters cranky as hell.
“You look beat, Gilman.”
He looked up, squinting against the ball of fucking hellfire that was the sun today, as Gullotti lowered himself to the street next to him. “Hey, LT. We clear?”
“Yeah, but we’re blocked in. As soon as the other trucks get packed up and move, we can return to quarters.”
“That house across the street over there has central AC.” Derek pointed to the condensing unit on the side of a nearby house. “I’m thinking about introducing myself and asking if I can crash on their couch for twenty minutes. Or four hours.”
“Been spending too much off time going back and forth across the city?”
Derek took another swig of water and then chuckled. “A couple of nights this week. Last night, since I’ll pick up the kids for the weekend when the tour ends.”
After leaving Olivia’s place Sunday, he’d made it maybe twelve hours before seeing if she had plans for the evening. She didn’t, so he’d gone back to her apartment and they’d managed to eat dinner before falling into her bed. He’d made it home late, but he got enough sleep to get by. Last night, though, he’d nodded off and gotten home in time to only grab a few hours. And, of course, today hadn’t been a slow day that allowed for naps between calls. It had been a hellish day in hellish heat and humidity. And there was still a late thunderstorm in the forecast, so he didn’t see falling into his bunk anytime soon.
“Speaking of the kids,” Rick said. “Has she met them yet?”
“No. I haven’t even told them I’m dating anybody yet, actually.”
“Do you think they’ll hate her?”
He frowned. “Why would they hate Olivia? There’s nothing to hate about her.”
When Rick held up his hands, he realized he’d asked that in a sharper tone than he’d intended to. “Let me rephrase that. Do you think they’ll hate that you’re dating, no matter who it is?”
“I don’t know.” He wasn’t going to share Amber’s news with anybody yet, since it wasn’t his to share and they had a lot of mutual friends. Even though he knew he should be able to talk to these guys about anything, it was a small community and it would get back to her. “They’ve had a lot of change already, and since they get less time with me, they might be less inclined to want to share.”
“How does she feel about kids?”
He took his time trying to come up with an answer to that one. “I think she has a plan for her life and having kids is still a few years down the road.”
“Have you asked her how she feels about you having kids?”
“No. It’s probably too soon for going that deep.”
Rick turned his head to give him a look that might have been almost fatherly if there were more years between them. “I saw you two together at Kincaid’s. And you get this look when you talk about her. Maybe you should have that talk before you get in any deeper than you already are.”
He knew the LT was right, but it really did seem too soon to ask her straight out if she could see herself settling down with a guy who had two kids. And if he asked the question, he was giving her the opportunity to admit she really didn’t. And logically he knew it was better to know that sooner rather than later, but emotionally he didn’t want to open that door.
“She knows about Julia and Isaac,” he said. “It’s not like I’m keeping any secrets.”
“But knowing there are kids is one thing. Spending time with them and sharing your time with them is another, especially to a woman who doesn’t have kids of her own.”
“I didn’t want to bring her into their lives until I knew it was serious.”
“Past tense?”
Derek chuckled. “Busted. Yeah, I think it has the potential to be serious. But don’t forget I just met her a month ago. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together and...I guess I’m being selfish. When I’m with her, I want it to be about us. For now.”
“You’re going to wear yourself out.”
“Yeah.” After taking another swig of water, he looked over at Rick again. “You mind if I ask you something weird?”
“If it involves a rash or anything parental controls would block in an internet search, I mind. Otherwise, go for it.”
“You and Jess...she was raised with money, right? Like maybe not super rich, but she always looks like a million bucks and she was used to nice things.”
“Like Olivia?” When he nodded, Rick shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you could say that. And no, she’s not buying those shoes on my salary, but she still has all the nice things she wants because she works her ass off. She didn’t give up her career for me and I hope you’re not thinking Olivia would for you. Especially since Jess built her success at her father’s side before branching out but Olivia built hers from scratch.”
“Of course I wouldn’t expect her to give it up.”
“I get that it would be tough, though,” Rick continued. “When Jess and I got together, she left San Diego behind because I was here, and her grandparents. But Olivia already has her own life here and blending them together wouldn’t be easy.”
“I’ve seen her life and I know mine and...let’s just say they wouldn’t blend well.”
“I guess if you haven’t talked about kids, you haven’t talked about that, either.”
“Not yet.” It was going to have to be soon, though. He knew it, even if he was trying not to think about it.
Gavin turned the corner and offered a small stripe of shade as he stared down at them. “I was wondering where you went. Danny said we should be able to get out of here in a few minutes.”
Derek pushed himself to his feet, groaning a little, and then offered a hand to pull his LT up. “I’ve never wanted a shower so bad in my life.”
“No shit.” Gavin pulled up the hem of his T-shirt and mopped his forehead with it. “It’s so hot, I’m not even hungry.”
“Great.” Rick shook his head. “It’s the end times and I’m spending it with you idiots.”
* * *
Olivia did something she rarely did. She de
viated from her schedule to sneak in a visit to Derek. But her appointment had been closer to his side of the city than hers, and she’d make it a quick visit. The accounting review could wait. As much as she protected her evening leisure hours, it wouldn’t hurt to look over the documents tonight.
After she found a place to park near the address for the fire station he was in—having taken her own car just in case this kind of opportunity popped up—she sent him a quick message. It was brutally hot and she wasn’t going to walk all the way there if he wasn’t around.
I’m nearby. Are you around? I thought I’d pop in and say hi. And see your fire truck.
We’re here now. I can never guarantee more than two or three minutes, but I’d like to see you.
I’ll be there in a minute. So we should get at least two. :)
After grabbing the paper bag off the passenger seat, she locked the car and walked down the sidewalk to the three-story brick building with old-fashioned, side-by-side arched openings for the trucks. The doors were open, so she stepped inside.
Derek was waiting for her, and there was nobody else around. He kissed her hello, and then kissed her again. “Did you write make Derek’s day by surprising him at work in your planner?”
She laughed. “No, so let’s not even talk about my planner right now. I brought a couple of chocolate chip muffins. It’s a weird time, I guess. After lunch and before dinner.”
“I’d love a muffin. There’s a card table and some chairs back there. We can sit for a few minutes.”
“Is that your truck?” She’d always thought fire engines were big, but she had no idea how huge they were until she was standing right next to one.
“No, that’s Engine 59. Danny, Aidan, Scott and Grant belong to her. Ladder 37’s this one. She’s mine, though I have to share her with Rick, Gavin, and Chris. And technically Rick’s in charge.”
“They’re always so shiny.”
“Polishing the apparatus is pretty much the go-to chore around here.”
Once they were sitting, he pulled the muffins out of the bag, along with the water bottle she’d bought. At this point in their relationship, they could probably share if she got thirsty.
The thought startled her, because that somehow made everything seem crystal clear. She’d found the man she’d share a water bottle with.
He was also a man she was willing to sacrifice her schedule for and who complicated things with his job and his location and his children, which made trying to keep perspective difficult. Why couldn’t she have met him in a few years, when she had a couple more books out and had built her client base to the point she could turn people away rather than having to go out and court their business?
“So you just hang around and wait for a fire?” she asked when the silence stretched on. He was focused on his muffin and didn’t seem to notice it, but she did.
He shrugged. “Some days it feels like that. But we have a lot of stuff that keeps us busy, and we’re constantly inspecting equipment. And then other days, we’re lucky when we have time for a sandwich on the run. Today’s been a bitch, actually. And the heat’s kicking our asses. Half the guys are sleeping upstairs right now.”
“You could have told me you were busy if you need to sleep or do something else.”
“I’d rather see you than sleep.” That made her smile, but then his expression turned unusually serious and her stomach tightened. “And I actually wanted to talk to you about something. And I know I call you at night, but it’s more of an in-person thing.”
“Okay.” She tried to brace herself, but without even an idea of what was coming, she couldn’t help the dread that settled in her stomach.
“The kids told me Amber’s pregnant.”
Olivia took a sip of the water, buying herself a few seconds to think. His tone and expression weren’t giving her much to go on right at this moment, but it was obviously important to him if he felt the need to talk to her about it.
If he didn’t still have feelings for his ex-wife, then why would her having another baby affect him?
“Are they excited about it?” she asked.
He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m not sure they’ve figured out how they feel yet. Isaac’s probably more excited than Julia, but he’s younger and more self-centered, so she probably has a better grasp of how much things will change.”
“And how do you feel about it?” When he didn’t answer right away, her heart tightened in her chest.
“I don’t know.” He leaned back, looking her in the eye. “I’m happy for Amber and Jason, but the family dynamic... I don’t know how to explain it, I guess.”
“I guess it’s a pretty solid sign she’s definitely moved on.”
He chuckled, surprising her. “I think that point was made when she married Jason.”
“True.”
He rested his hand on top of hers. “I’m not hung up on my ex, Olivia. I promise. I’m always going to care about her. We were together for a long time and she’s the mother of my children. But even if there was no Jason and no baby on the way, Amber and I would never get back together.”
“Okay.” She couldn’t hold back a burst of nervous, relieved laughter. “I know I shouldn’t have gone there in my head, but I don’t... You said your divorce was amicable and I know you’re still both with Village Hearts. And you never complain about her, which is something I can’t even wrap my head around, so I guess it’s hard for me to get a grasp on your relationship with her.”
“We’re actually friends again, but we weren’t for a while. We were unhappy and we didn’t like each other anymore, but we called it quits before either of us did something that would escalate it to the kind of hate and hurt it’s hard to come back from. We worked at it and over time, we rebuilt the friendship. We just didn’t do well as husband and wife, other than having Julia and Isaac.”
She nodded, because there was a lump in her throat that made her uncertain of her ability to speak.
This man had been in her life for a month. They’d been dating seriously for a couple of weeks. It wasn’t very long, but it wasn’t really about the timeframe. It didn’t feel like a fling. There wasn’t anything casual about their determination to spend as much time together as they could. It felt as if they had a commitment to each other and the relationship they were building.
But he had essentially divided his life into two boxes. In one box was Olivia. In the other was a life she was totally separated from. She’d seen glimpses of it—working with Village Hearts and meeting the guys he worked with—but he hadn’t shared the most important things in his life with her.
As long as he kept her separated from them, he was keeping her separated from some of the most important parts of himself and eventually they’d just be spinning their wheels going nowhere.
“I told you about the baby for a reason,” he said, his thumb making circles on the back of her hand. “It’s a lot for the kids. They’ve had a lot of change and this is a big one, and I’m kind of the one thing in their lives that hasn’t changed.”
“You haven’t told them you’re dating me.”
He winced. “I hadn’t yet, but I was going to because I want to keep seeing you as long as you’ll put up with me. And then, when they told me Amber was having a baby, Julia told me she was glad I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Ouch.”
“I just couldn’t... I will.” He squeezed her hand, making eye contact with her. “I’m not putting my life—our lives—on hold because Amber’s pregnant. When Julia told me she was glad I don’t have a girlfriend, I couldn’t bring myself to correct her when I could see they were already off-kilter. Isaac was asking me how I’ll be related to the new baby. It was just a lot.”
Olivia had caught the way he said our lives and it was enough for now. Derek was as aware of the separation in his life as she was, and he cared that it was a
problem in their relationship. He was trying.
“I get it,” she said. “They’re already confused, so I understand.”
“I’ll tell them very soon. I want to. Amber and I will help them wrap their head around the baby thing and then it’ll be okay. They’re good kids.”
“I’m sure they are. They have a great dad.”
He grinned, and then lifted the back of her hand to his mouth. “Thank you.”
She smiled back, but butterflies danced in her stomach. They did every time Derek talked about the two people he loved more than anything else in the world. What if they didn’t like her?
What if she didn’t like them?
Maybe that wasn’t the right question. There was no reason at all she would dislike his children. But what if Derek put them all in the same box and there wasn’t enough room? What if they didn’t all fit?
“On a lighter note, the guys and I are going to a ball game Wednesday,” he said, relaxing in his chair.
Fighting back the panic that had been rising, Olivia forced herself to put her doubts out of her mind. “What kind of ball?”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “The best kind of ball. Baseball. The Yankees are coming to Fenway.”
“Oh, I know this one. They’re your big rivals.”
“Our big rivals. You live in Boston now.” He winked, which made her laugh and a lot of the tension melted away.
“So baseball’s your favorite sport to watch?” she asked.
His eyes lit up and he started talking about his dad and watching the games together. Olivia loved the way his face softened when he talked about people and things he loved, and she was content to sit back and listen until an alarm sounded and he stood abruptly.
“I have to run,” he said, but he took the time to kiss her goodbye. “I’ll call you when I can.”
Under Control Page 11