Scott clapped his hand on Derek’s shoulder. “You’ll work it out. In the meantime, some of us want to go in together on a bid for that deep-sea fishing package. You in?”
“That’d be a fun way to ring in the summer.”
“It’s for six but we’re thinking a four-way split. Me, Aidan, Chris and you, and then we all pitch in for Isaac and Chris’s boy.”
Maybe it was because his emotional walls were beaten and battered as hell right now, but that actually choked him up a bit. Losing Jeff to retirement had been a big blow for these guys, but when Derek replaced him, they’d made it clear right from his first day of permanent duty with them that he was family. “Let’s do it.”
They wandered around the tables, checking out the different auction listings and bidding on a few things. He was pretty sure the deep-sea fishing trip was going to end up out of their price range, but they wrote down a bid anyway.
Then he sucked it up, plastered a smile on his face and went to work the room. He lost himself in small talk and schmoozing. George and Ella were in their element, sweet-talking the wealthier people in the room, while he circulated among the rest of the supporters and their families. It got him out of his own head for a while, until George took the microphone and asked everybody to find their names on the place cards and be seated for dinner.
There was a seating chart. And, after much moving around to get a good mix of Village Hearts supporters and potentially generous donors at each table, it had been nailed down before he and Olivia broke up.
This was going to hurt.
After the marathon strategic seating plan session, he didn’t have to look for his name on the place cards. He was sitting at a round table for six, with Olivia seated on his right and a wealthy surgeon whose grandson was a firefighter on his left.
He was almost there when the crowd parted and Olivia was there. The careful, almost unconscious avoidance dance they’d been doing all evening had come to an end, and it seemed as if he had to make a deliberate effort to keep breathing.
“Olivia.”
“Hello, Derek.”
People moved around them in a blur of movement and sound, but for Derek, time had stopped and all he could do was look into Olivia’s gorgeous eyes and see his own hurt reflected back at him. He wanted to make that pain go away. Pull her into his arms. Kiss her. Tell her he was sorry and that he loved her and whatever else he had to say to make her smile at him again.
“Jess made some last-minute changes to the seating arrangement,” she said in a voice he had to strain to hear. “Amber’s going to sit with you because you’re not only a firefighter, but together you’re a family who was helped by the organization and that’s very powerful.”
He didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk about the charity and trying to poke at a man’s emotions until he opened his wallet. He wanted to talk about them.
“Did you ask her to do it?” He wasn’t sure why he asked, except wanting to gauge how much effort she was putting into avoiding him.
“No.”
He nodded slowly. It had been obvious since he walked through the door that word had discreetly gone around. Not a single person, other than Scott, had mentioned Olivia to him, but nobody seemed surprised by the distance between them.
“You look amazing tonight,” he said.
“Thank you.” When her eyes started to shimmer, she sniffed and lifted her chin. “I’m going to find my seat. Enjoy your dinner.”
There was not a snowball’s chance in hell of that. “You, too.”
Letting her walk away was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but this wasn’t the time or place. He wasn’t sure there was a time or place, since nothing had changed in either of their lives since the last, awful time they spoke.
Nothing except not having her in it.
He sat in the chair next to his ex-wife, thankful the others hadn’t found the table yet, and took a long drink from the fancy glass of ice water sitting next to his place setting. His mouth was dry and his throat felt so tight, it took everything he had not to loosen his tie and pop his top button.
“Derek, what did you do?” she leaned over to whisper. It hurt so much to even think about it, he wasn’t sure he could say the words out loud. Fortunately, Amber knew him well enough to read his face, so he didn’t have to. “Is it true that you guys aren’t together anymore?”
He nodded slowly, staring at the condensation on his glass. “Yeah, it’s true.”
“Maybe you should go home. I’ll tell them you had a headache. Or that you got called out or something. It’s not like we haven’t used that one before.”
“It might be hard to explain why the other guys from the station who came don’t leave with me.” They would, if he asked them to back up his lie. But this night was too important to his family and to all the families Village Hearts helped. “I’m good.”
“Okay, because I think that guy coming over here is who we’re supposed to charm over dinner.”
He inhaled slowly and held the breath for a few seconds before blowing it out. Then he drank some more water. “I’ve got this.”
And he’d get through dinner because he’d made up his mind that he and Olivia were going to talk. Probably not tonight because it wasn’t the place, but they were going to sit down and talk about their relationship when their emotions weren’t heated and they could be calm.
He wasn’t letting them end like this.
* * *
After dinner, the lights dimmed and the music started. They’d be interrupting over the course of the evening to auction off big-ticket items, but for the most part Olivia could linger in the shadows until she’d had enough and make her escape.
She should have left already. Seeing Derek was probably one of the most painful things she’d ever endured, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to leave. It hurt like hell to see him across the room, but at least she was seeing him.
Jess found her and handed her a glass of wine. “You okay?”
“I will be.” She always was. “Thank you for switching the seating chart. I don’t know if I could have done it.”
“It was no problem. What happened between you two, anyway? When I heard it was over, I couldn’t believe it and I’m heartbroken for you.”
She could hear the genuine concern in Jess’s voice and she appreciated it, but Olivia didn’t want to relive her breakup right now, so she just shook her head. “The dragons won this one. That’s all.”
“No.” Jess gripped her arm. “No, that’s not all. Slaying the dragons to get your happily-ever-after isn’t one battle. You don’t put down your sword the first time you get singed.”
There was no amusement in her short bark of laughter. “I didn’t get singed, Jess. I went down in flames.”
“You’re here. He’s here. And I’ve seen the way you two keep looking at each other when the other’s not looking, so dust yourself off and pick up your sword. It’s not one-and-done, Olivia. There are always more dragons. Big dragons. Little dragons. Some breathe fire and some just hiccup little smoke rings at you, but you have to keep swinging that sword.”
As improbable as it seemed, considering her current emotional state, Olivia smiled. “You’re surprisingly romantic, in a fairy-tale kind of way.”
“For a math brain, you mean?” Jess smiled and nodded her head in the direction of Rick. “I’m married to that guy. My life is a romantic fairy tale.”
Then her eyes widened and she mumbled something about needing something before she practically fled in the opposite direction. And when she turned back to the crowd, she saw why.
Derek was coming toward her. Deliberately, his eyes locked on her. He was too close for her to pretend she hadn’t seen him and she had too much pride to run.
“Please dance with me,” he said and she knew she should say no. Being in his arms again might kil
l her. But the agony on his face seemed to tug at her soul and she held out her hand.
He didn’t lead her out onto the makeshift dance floor. He pulled her into his arms and they swayed slowly to the music. Olivia didn’t even know what the song was, the music drowned out by the pounding of her broken heart.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly against her ear, and she shivered. “This hurts so much and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too. I panicked.” She was afraid she was only going to get this one chance to explain, but it wasn’t easy to find the words. “When I hit middle school and started finding out there were a lot of things more fun than academics, my grades started slipping. I started getting in trouble and I was spiraling emotionally. My mother decided I needed to focus. She taught me how to set goals, break them down and make a plan. And from that time forward, I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do.”
“It’s obviously worked out well for you.”
“It has, and that’s why I panicked. Making a plan and sticking to it keeps me from failing to meet the goals I set for myself. For school. For my business. For my life.” She took a deep breath before getting to the hard part. “I know it seems like I pushed you away because you were getting in the way of my plan, but I figured out that my plan is flawed. My goals changed—what I want in my life changed—and I got scared. I got rigid about needing to stick to my plan because it’s saved me in the past.”
“No, you were right about me not being willing to give anything up. I was afraid for so long that it would be too hard for us to compromise that I made it into some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I gave up. And I...I don’t want to do this here, tonight. But please let me try again. We can talk somewhere. Your place. Anywhere.”
“But what’s changed, Derek?”
“Everything.” She watched his Adam’s apple work as he swallowed hard. “Now I know what life without you feels like and...I want to try.”
She tried so hard not to let the hope in. There was a lot between them and he’d refused to give on anything. And she was afraid she might let him in again just because she hated his pain, but she couldn’t give in.
It hurt and she still wanted him, but she wouldn’t give up everything to make herself fit in his life. They both needed to compromise and make a new life together. She wouldn’t settle for anything less.
“Please.”
The hoarse whisper broke her and she looked up at him through a shimmer of tears. “Okay. But if you’re not really willing to try, it’s just going to make it harder and more painful.”
“I fucked up, Olivia. Bad. And I know I hurt you. I hurt us both. I promise you I’m willing to try like hell. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
She nodded, blinking back tears. “A couple more days, maybe. Tonight was a lot. Wednesday? After work at my place?”
“I’ll be there.”
Then silence hung between them for a second. Olivia thought he might kiss her. And she wanted that. She loved kissing him. But she wouldn’t let it happen.
Then he smiled—a small smile that didn’t reach his sad eyes—and squeezed her hand before letting her go. “Goodnight, Olivia.”
“Goodnight.”
She watched him go and it hurt almost as much as walking out of his apartment had, but now there was hope, whether she wanted to let it in or not. She had until Wednesday to look at her life and what she really wanted. What she was willing to do to get it. She’d been doing it for most of her life. Identify the goal. Identify the steps necessary to achieve the goal. Make a plan for accomplishing those steps.
For the first time in her life, she was afraid it wouldn’t be enough because this time, her heart was involved and love wasn’t always reasonable.
Chapter Nineteen
“Get your fucking head in the game, Gilman.”
Derek snapped out an acknowledgment of the order and did as he was told. An active four-alarm fire wasn’t the time to mentally relive the Village Hearts benefit.
But hours later, when the fire was finally knocked down and they were repacking the trucks, the memories crept back into his mind. The way that little flare of hope had lit up her sad eyes had haunted him every night since he said goodnight.
He had one shot. If he blew it, he’d never get another chance.
And that’s how, when his shift ended, he wound up on his ex-wife’s doorstep about twenty minutes after the kids left for school.
“Are you okay?” Amber asked when she opened the door to find him standing there. Then she took in the uniform he hadn’t bothered to change out of after an early morning false alarm, and her eyes widened. “Are the kids okay?”
“They’re fine. I’m okay. I just...can we talk for a minute?”
She looked into his face for a long moment and then nodded, stepping back to let him in. “There’s a pot of coffee.”
She poured him one and then stood across the kitchen island from him. He took a few sips, letting the liquid warm him. He’d felt permanently chilled since leaving the benefit and he couldn’t shake it.
“What’s going on, Derek? Is this about you and Olivia?”
He nodded slowly, staring at the mug because it was easier than looking at her. “Was it easy for you guys?”
“For me and Jason?” She blew out a breath. “I don’t think we had to overcome some of the obstacles you guys have. He didn’t really have roots set down and I had this house. I don’t really have a career to worry about, unless you call a part-time job at the market a career.”
“So Jason was just all in on the family? There weren’t really issues?”
“I didn’t say that. Do you think Jason fell head over heels for Julia and Isaac when he first met them?” She gave him a yeah, right look. “He accepted them in his life because he fell in love with me. Then he got to know them and built a relationship with them, but it took time. Olivia will do the same, but it will also take time.”
“He’s a good stepfather.”
“He is. He loves those kids, but he didn’t magically appear in our lives that way. It took time and compromise, and trust on my part.”
“Trust?” He nodded. “I get that. It wasn’t easy to just trust some guy with my children.”
“I know it wasn’t. But in this case, I mean that I had to trust my gut. Or my heart, I guess. I had to trust that I wouldn’t fall in love with a guy who wouldn’t accept my kids. And you’re not afraid of Olivia hurting the kids or you wouldn’t be with her. You’re afraid of feeling like you might have to choose.”
“I would never choose anybody over my kids.”
“Why do you feel like you have to? What is going on in your head right now, Derek?”
He shook his head, his throat feeling as if it was closed up. His eyes burned and he cleared his throat, trying to stop the emotion from bubbling to the surface, but he couldn’t hold the words back. “If I move to Olivia’s, will Isaac and Julia think I left them for her?”
“No.” She covered his hand with hers and squeezed. “Jesus, Derek. No. They wouldn’t think you left them because you would never leave them and they know that. That’s not about how many minutes the car ride is. You are an amazing dad and that’s not going to change if you live on the other side of the city. Hell, that wouldn’t change if you lived on the other side of the country.”
“It’ll be harder for everybody.”
“It’ll be an adjustment. They’ll adjust.” She sighed. “I know I speak for everybody who cares about you when I say we’d all rather have you be happy over there than miserable and lonely up the street.”
“And she makes a lot of money. Her apartment is... I can’t even describe it.”
She laughed. “Confession? Her building has a website and I looked at it.”
“Can you picture the kids there?”
“Sure. The kids are g
oing to be sprawled across the couch no matter what kind of couch it is. Isaac will be on his stomach on the floor, reading a book. Julia will sit in a chair to read and then slowly twist herself around so she’s half hanging off of it. They’ll spill things and leave fingerprints on the fridge.”
“It’s so...neat. She’s not big on clutter.”
“Enough,” she snapped. “Stop using my kids as a shield against the risk of having your heart broken.”
He opened his mouth to say something, then snapped it closed again because he wasn’t sure what to say.
“You’re hiding behind them,” she continued. “You’re using them as an excuse not to figure out some hard, maybe even scary changes in your life and that’s bullshit. They’re great kids who love you. They’ll love you here. They’ll love you there. They’ll love you any...shit. I’ve got to stop reading Dr. Seuss to this baby bump.”
He laughed, maybe for the first time in days, and she laughed with him. Then she topped off their coffees and leaned on the island again.
“I’m going to ask you one question, Derek, and you know I’ll know if you lie to me. Do you love her? Yes or—”
“Yes.” He didn’t even have to think about it. He knew it without question.
“Then stop twisting yourself up. Remember when we sat down together and admitted to ourselves and to each other that the best way to take care of our kids was to take care of ourselves first? It’s still true. Take care of you, be happy and the kids will be happy.”
“Thank you, Amber.”
“Hey, you know I’m always happy to give you a kick in the ass.”
* * *
During the time between being notified Derek was on his way up and when he knocked on her door, Olivia stood in front of her windows and centered herself. She felt a little stronger than she had at the benefit, but with strength came hope.
The hope still scared her. But she wasn’t ready to give up on them. And she believed the man she’d fallen in love with wouldn’t put them through the wringer again for no reason. They’d already dumped all the issues in a tangled mess on the table. Now they were hopefully going to sift through them and find a solution.
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