“Love you, too.”
I go in and find Shayne and a couple of the other girls. Liam’s here and they’re all having a great time. The night flies by, we’re dancing and talking and just really having a good night.
“Hey,” Shayne says as she sips a pink drink with a little umbrella in it. “Why aren’t you wearing your new dress?” she asks as she dances in her seat to the heavy beat of the bass.
“Oh yeah, I forgot, I’m going to give it to you if you want it.”
“What? Why?” she shouts over the music.
“I put it on, and I looked at myself. It didn’t suit me.” I don’t want to tell her I look cheap in it, because I actually think it’ll suit her so much better than me. The dress is just not for me.
“What? You looked super-hot in it. Seriously, smoking hot.”
“Who looks smoking hot?” Liam says as he approaches us, sits and puts his arm around Shayne. “I gotta check her out.” He looks around the club.
Shayne playfully smacks Liam in the arm, and he leans over and kisses her shoulder. “You’re a dork.” I smile at their carefree, easy relationship. “I was saying Lily looked really hot in this dress she got yesterday, but she said she didn’t like it, so she’s giving it to me.”
“Didn’t you try it on before you bought it?” Liam asks.
“Yeah, but when I put it on tonight, I just didn’t like it.”
“So I score a new dress thanks to my best friend, Lily.” Shayne points to me. “But, it might be tight around my boobs seeing as mine are bigger than yours.” She points to her breasts than to mine.
“Hot,” Liam says making a stupid face.
“Hey. Let’s go dance,” Penelope, one of the girls says as she bounces over to our table.
I pull my phone out and notice it’s quarter to eleven, so I may as well get another dance in before I leave to meet Trent.
Shayne and Liam follow, and they’re dancing really close together, his hands all over her. I’m dancing in the circle with Penelope, Jasmine and a few of the other girls when I feel someone put their hands on my hips.
I turn to see some guy grinding up against me. “Hey, hot stuff,” he says as he continues to dance.
I sidestep him, breaking his contact on my hips and continue dancing. But he does it again. “Hey, don’t,” I yell over the music.
“We’re just dancing, not screwing,” he shouts back.
“I don’t want your hands on me.” I move to be on the opposite side and keep dancing with the girls. He disappears and I just close my eyes and feel the music. But then I feel his hands on me again. I whip around and see he’s just about to kiss me. But before his lips come anywhere near me, he’s dragged away.
“Keep your hands off her,” Trent yells and punches the guy.
“Trent,” I scream as I try to stop the continuous blows he’s landing. “Trent,” I yell again and grab onto his fist as he rears his hand back.
His head whips around to look at me and he angrily spits, “Don’t, Lily. I saw the whole damn thing.”
The moment he looks back, two huge bouncers have him up and are hauling him out. There’s two more who’ve grabbed the guy who had his hands on me and are dragging him out, too.
I look around and see Shayne. She’s looking shocked as she watches both the guys being dragged out of the club. “Bye,” I mouth to her as I go to leave.
As I walk away, she runs after me, throws her arms around me and whispers, “Be careful.” Just as am I about to ask her who I should be careful of, she’s gone.
When I reach outside, Trent is already pacing and completely irrational. “What the hell was that, Lily? I saw everything.”
“Then you saw how I told him to take his hands off me? And did you see how I moved away?”
“I saw you look at him like you wanted him to kiss you.”
“No I didn’t. I was going to tell him to leave me alone, again. But you grabbed him and…you know the rest.”
Trent turns and walks toward his dad’s car. “Are you coming?” he shouts over his shoulder to me.
I run to catch up to him, and link my arm in his. “I wasn’t to blame, really. I didn’t do anything.”
He takes a few breaths and calms down, “Yeah I know. I just saw his hands on you and I lost it. Isn’t it lucky you changed? Because if you had worn that dress, God only knows how many others would’ve had their hands all over you.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” I lean in and kiss him. “Thank you for coming to get me.”
“It’s alright, babe.”
When we reach the car, he opens my door and waits until I’m in. Then he comes around and gets in the driver’s side. “Will you teach me to drive?” I ask as I watch him pull out onto the street.
“Not this again, Lily. You don’t need to learn how to drive. I’ll take you anywhere you need to go. You know that.” In a comforting gesture, he squeezes my thigh.
“I know, but I’d like to be independent, too. I mean, what if something happens and we can’t be together.”
I can see his mouth turn down in a frown. “That’s just ridiculous. We’ll always be together. In life and in death.”
In life and in death? What exactly does that mean?
As it turns out, I don’t have to wait too long to discover what he means.
November 13th 2009
Dear Diary,
It’s been just over a year since we got married. Trent wanted to marry me right away, but we managed to wait until just before my nineteenth birthday. This last year has been, for the lack of a better word, difficult. We celebrated our first year anniversary the way we spend every night.
I go to class during the day, as does Trent, then after class I go to work and Trent comes home. Some nights I manage to get more than four hours sleep, but since Trent’s taken over our finances, he says I need to work more because we need the money. He’s got a job too, but he only works two days a week. He says school is stressing him out, so he can’t work more.
Seeing as this is my very first diary entry, I may as well tell you, Shayne and I don’t speak much anymore. She said Trent was trying to control me and he was coming between us. She also said when I leave him, I should come find her. She was bridesmaid at our wedding, and after that night she barely talked to me again. Trent says it’s because she’s jealous Liam hasn’t married her yet. I don’t know, maybe it is. It hurt at first, but now I’ve been so busy with school, work and being a wife, I don’t really have too much time to notice she’s gone. Does that make me a bad friend? There are times, like when I got the top marks in my last three papers for English Lit I wanted to tell her, but she wasn’t around.
Trent says he wants a baby, but I’m nowhere near ready for a child. And really, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do with one.
Trent’s dad came over last week, but Mrs. Hackly wasn’t feeling well, so she stayed behind. I found a recipe on line and made it. Mr. Hackly told me it tasted like cat food, and Trent laughed and told him I was still learning. I liked it. But maybe I liked it because I know what it’s like to have nothing.
It was my twentieth birthday yesterday, and Trent bought me a box of chocolates, saying we don’t have extra money to go out.
The apartment is small, but it’ll do for now. I really can’t work anymore to try and get us anything nicer, because school takes up so much of my time.
Trent says he wants to change what he’s doing. He doesn’t want to be an accountant anymore. He wants to be a doctor. I support him, of course. He should follow his dreams.
Anyway, I have to go. I’ve picked up an extra shift at the supermarket and I need to get ready. I think having a diary is good idea, it’ll let me keep track of everything in my life.
Bye diary.
PS. How funny that I’m talking to you like you’re a real life person.
October 8th 2010
Dear Diary,
It’s been so crazy lately. I can’t believe I haven’t been able to write in you f
or a while. My twenty-first birthday is next month and life couldn’t get any busier, even if I wanted it to.
Okay, so over the last month. I don’t know even where to start. Trent went out one night, came home completely drunk from one of those frat parties and tried having sex with me. When I told him he stunk like beer and vomit, he backhanded me and told me it’s my job as his wife to give him sex whenever he wants. I managed to get free of him and lock myself in our bathroom. I was so shocked by what he did, all I could do was cry. He tried beating the door down, but he passed out and fell asleep across the threshold of the door. I was too scared to leave the bathroom, so I slept in there. The next day I heard him leave and when he finally returned, he had bought me the most beautiful bracelet he could find. He told me it was from a pawn shop because we don’t have a lot of money, and he told me a thousand times how sorry he was for hitting me. I felt bad I was scared of him, and he’s right, I do have to give him sex whenever he wants. “Men have needs,” he said. Of course they do, and it was stupid of me not to realize.
They’ve given me a promotion at the supermarket. I’m now a shift supervisor, which means I get more money. I’m not sure how much is in our account, because Trent looks after all the bills, but he says we scrape by from paycheck to paycheck.
I’m also doing really well at school. One of my lecturers is impressed with me and says I really should try and become a professor in English. He thinks I’m smart enough to teach at the university level, but of course, I think he’s just being nice.
Trent changed his major and is now in his first year of becoming a doctor. He’s got so many years left. He quit his job, saying he just couldn’t handle all the stress of both med school and work. He said me learning how to be an English teacher is so much easier, it only made sense I’d keep working and he’d concentrate on his studies. I fly through my studies. His career is so much more important than anything I’ll ever do.
I heard from Shayne, too. She and Liam are still together, and they got engaged. But they’re saving so they can go to Italy and Greece. She said they want to travel before they settle down. I miss her, but if I want a career as an English teacher, some things need to be sacrificed. That’s what Trent says, and I can totally understand. I don’t even have time to make friends from any of my classes. If I’m not at work, I’m at school. If I’m not at work or school, I’m here studying.
See ya next time diary.
Bye.
October 7th 2011
Dear Diary
Oh my god. What has happened to my life? I’m twenty-two next month and I’m pregnant. SQUEEEEEE. Can you believe it, diary? I’m pregnant!
I’ve had to stop school, because Trent said I can’t put too much pressure on the baby by working, and going to school. So we decided I’ll stop school but keep working until I have the baby, and Trent will continue medical school.
He got one of his exam results back and he didn’t do too well. He passed, but only just. He told me it’s because I was too busy working and couldn’t help him study. That night he was so angry, he lost control of his temper and he hit me. Actually, he punched me. I was so embarrassed because I got this big bruise around my eye. I had to tell everyone I sleep-walked into the door. But it’s okay now, because I’ve put school on hold until after the baby.
Trent says I need to work extra hours because once the baby is here, I’ll need to have some time off. He also thinks it’ll be a good idea if his mom looks after the baby so I can go back to work. I’m not sure I like that idea. Last time Mr. and Mrs. Hackly were here, she looked like she’d lost so much weight. She was also wearing long sleeves and it was so hot here. I’m not sure what’s going on, I just hope she’s okay.
Well, the baby will be here in seven short months. I just hope once the baby is born Trent calms down some. He’s pushed me a couple of times, but only when he’s stressed. I really should know when not to say anything and just do what he asks. I’m getting better at reading his moods. It did hurt my feelings when he said I was ugly and no one would want me. But then he apologized and said he didn’t mean it, but I shouldn’t wear sweats around the house.
Anyway, today’s entry is short, even though I still have more to say. I have to go get ready for work. Midnight shift. Yuck. But the money is really good. And if Trent says we need the money, then we must need it. He’s going to a party while I work. He says he doesn’t like spending time on his own, and his friends keep him company.
Bye Diary.
PS.: Isn’t it still funny, that after three years, and only a few entries, I feel like I’m talking to you like you’re a real person.
Bye.
December 24th 2012
Hi,
Just hi. I hate this. I’ve spent the day crying. Trent tells me to get up and stop acting like a twenty-three year old child. I lost another baby yesterday. This is my third miscarriage, and every time it just gets harder and harder.
I think the last time was from the punch in the stomach Trent gave me. He said he didn’t mean it, and if I just listened to him, he wouldn’t act so crazy. I was home late from work yesterday. It wasn’t my fault, the bus was running late, and I didn’t get home until fifteen minutes after Trent was expecting me. I walked in the door, and he was standing there with his belt in his hand and steam coming out of his ears. Not literally steam, but boy was he mad.
Whenever he has the belt out, I know I haven’t tried hard enough for him, and I’ve made him mad. He’s been really good, but last night I was late from work and he was angry. So I had to take it like a big girl. This morning I woke and the bed was covered in blood. I knew it was going to happen because when he hit my stomach, I started to hurt straight away. I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just run home? Why didn’t I do everything I could to be home? I just can’t believe how stupid I am.
When Trent woke this morning, he saw the blood and was just so good. He drew me a bath, changed the sheets and took care of me. He loves me so much. He tells me every time. It’s my fault these things happen. I just have to try harder.
Anyway, Trent said I’m allowed to stay home from work today, so I’m just lying in bed. Trent said he had to go out, and he’ll be back later. I don’t think he’s gone to get my Christmas present, because when I was putting his clothes away I found a little black box with the most beautiful diamond necklace. Although I feel terrible and have been crying, I kind of can’t wait until tomorrow morning. We’re going to Trent’s mom and dad’s house; it should be good.
Bye.
May 6th 2013
Diary,
I just read my last entry, which was just before Christmas. I know it’s been months. I’m sorry, but so many things have happened. That beautiful necklace ended up not being for me. I’m not sure who it was for. I opened the present Trent got me, and it was an electric toothbrush. He said my breath stinks, and maybe it’s the toothbrush I’ve been using. I told him I saw it in his drawer and he lost it with me. He told me I was a nosey bitch and he hit me. This was bad, this one. He hit me so hard I ended up falling and knocking myself unconscious. He took me to the hospital, and told them I fell down and that’s how I lost consciousness. When I woke, he told me that’s what happened and I mustn’t remember. At first I believed him, but then I started remembering small things and when I was finally released and got home I asked him. He told me I hit my head hard, and must be misremembering it. But I know what he did.
Anyway, he hasn’t hit me that bad again. A push here and there, and if dinner’s not on the table when he’s home by five-thirty, then I get a slap, too. I definitely deserve those ones, because he’s said what time it has to be on the table, and I try and be a good wife and do what he asks me.
It’s just because I’m stupid that I keep making these silly mistakes – that’s what Trent says.
He’s under so much pressure at school, and he’s not keeping up with the work. Sometimes I do his assignments, and those ones he does really well on.
Work is crazy,
they’ve promoted me again. And they were so good to me when I lost the babies. About the miscarriages, I’m happy to report I haven’t had any more, because I haven’t gotten pregnant again. I don’t think I can go through another miscarriage. It’ll hurt too much. It’s not the physical pain I’m worried about, but I don’t think my heart will be able to cope. I barely made it last year when I lost the last baby.
I got a postcard from Shayne recently. It just said ‘We hope you’re keeping well’ and it had a picture of the Coliseum on it. I cried when I got it. I’m so happy for her and Liam, they’re living their dream and having a great time. I just hope when they get married I’ll be invited. Even if I’m not, I’ll sneak in and stay right at the back so they don’t see me, and I’ll watch them exchange vows on their perfect day. I do hope they want me there though.
I have to go, Trent is due home soon and I need to make dinner. If it’s not on the table at five-thirty, well you and I know whatever he does to me could’ve been avoided if I just do as he asks.
See ya.
September 29th 2014
Diary,
“If you ever leave me, I’ll find you and kill you. Then I’ll kill myself because life without you isn’t worth living.” Trent said that to me, then he told me, “It’s only because I love you so much.”
Damn…
I’ve got to go. He’s back early and I haven’t made the bed yet. He likes it when everything is tidy.
November 24th 2014
I can’t even start this entry by saying ‘dear diary’, really I can’t. Yesterday I got back from the hospital. I did something so stupid, I really only have myself to blame for Trent hitting me.
Why, and I repeat why, would I have asked him if he’s seeing someone else? I was doing the laundry and there was lipstick marks on one of his shirts. He lost his temper at me. He said it was probably me fucking around and that I’m accusing him to distract from the truth. I yelled at him. Why would I do that? I’m so stupid, I just can’t believe how dumb I am.
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