Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Me too, Lily.” She goes quiet and scrunches her mouth in a way which tells me she’s thinking. “So, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m taking you for lunch. What time is your break?” she persistently asks again.

  “In a few minutes.” I look up at the clock and add, “Actually, in ten minutes.”

  “Great!” she loudly shouts, then claps a hand to her smiling mouth. “Oops,” she cheerfully adds as she looks around her.

  “You’ve not changed, not one little bit.”

  “Why would I change?” She shrugs her shoulders. “Anyway, I’ll put these groceries in my car and I’ll wait for you outside. It’s cold though, so don’t leave me waiting too long.” She pays for her groceries and takes her bags.

  I finish up with the next three customers, close off my register and go grab my coat. I take my phone out of my bag and see the dozen messages from Trent. His usual questions of ‘what time will you be home?’ and ‘I want chicken for dinner’ and even ‘don’t forget you have my assignment to do’. But the last one is something he does frequently. And this one I’m eternally grateful for, because it means I get a chance to breathe and not be on edge worrying about what he might say or do. It says ‘working late, don’t make me dinner, eating out with the boys.’ I answer all the messages he’s sent me and avoid telling him about Shayne, because I know he won’t be happy.

  Putting my coat on, I slip my phone in my pocket and head outside. It’s so cold out. I think we’re in for a snowy winter. Shayne is waiting outside, shifting from foot to foot to try and keep warm. “I’m so cold,” she says as she throws her arms around me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Girl, what the hell’s happened? There’s nothing to you. You’re even skinnier then you were all those years ago.” She grabs onto my shoulders and steps back as her eyes travel the length of my body.

  Suddenly I feel on display and completely self-conscious. “Skinny? I’m not skinny. I’m fat.”

  She scrunches her nose at me and bares her teeth in a ‘what the hell’ look. “Do you own a mirror? Seriously, girl. I’m fattening you up. Come on,” she says as she links our arms and walks down past the grocery store. “Is that café down the road good?”

  “I’ve heard good things about it.”

  Shayne falters in her steps and turns to look at me. “What do you mean you’ve ‘heard good things’? It’s literally less than a hundred and fifty yards from where you work. How can you never have been in there?”

  Embarrassment and shame overtake me. How can I tell her I never have any spare money? Trent controls all the finances and gives me what I need to get to and from work. I have to take my own food to work. And if I forget, I need to go without. But I can’t tell Shayne that, she won’t understand. Trent is just looking out for our finances. He tells me he’s doing it so we can save enough money to buy a home. “Um, I’ve just never…you know.” I shrug my shoulders.

  We reach the door of the café and Shayne opens it, steps through and goes to sit at one of the unoccupied booths. “Lily,” she starts saying as she takes her gloves off and unwraps her scarf. “What is going on with you?”

  “Nothing,” I say immediately defensive. “Why?” I respond a little calmer.

  “How long have you worked next door?”

  “A while. About six years.”

  “And you’ve never eaten here? How’s that possible?”

  “I just haven’t been interested in it.” I look down to avoid her eyes, because she’s always been so perceptive of me and what I’m feeling.

  The quiet between us breaks the minute a young waitress comes to our table and offers us the menus.

  “Everything looks so good,” Shayne says dropping the subject of why I haven’t been in here. “What are you getting? I’m really hungry I think I’ll get a burger, fries and maybe a chocolate shake.”

  “A shake, in this weather?” I look at her.

  “Hmmm.” She scrunches her mouth. “You have a point. Maybe I’ll get a hot chocolate with marshmallows.”

  “That sounds so good. But I think I had better get a soup, or maybe a salad.”

  “Why? If you want a burger, get a burger.” She lays the menu flat and looks up at me. I can feel her eyes boring into me, burning with questions she wants to ask but maybe doesn’t want the answers to.

  “I’ll just get the soup and some water.” I keep pretending I’m looking at the menu.

  Within a few seconds the waitress approaches. “Hi, what can I get you two ladies?” she asks as she flips open a small order pad and grabs the pen behind her ear.

  “Um,” I start, but Shayne cuts in.

  “We’ll have two burgers, medium, with fries, and two hot chocolates. Extra marshmallows in the hot chocolates, please.” Shayne picks up both the menus and quickly gives them to the waitress. She does it in a way that leaves me speechless and before I can say anything the waitress is gone.

  “Why did you do that?” I whisper.

  “Because you want to eat it and I think you may have been embarrassed to admit it, so I just ordered it. Now if you keep complaining, I’ll make sure I order you a slice of cake, too.” She lifts her eyebrows at me, and a devious little smirk appears on her lips.

  “Nope,” I say shaking my head.

  “Nope what?”

  “Nope, you haven’t changed one little bit. Never change, Shayne. I love you just the way you are.”

  “I won’t. Now tell me about everything that’s been happening with you. Did you finish college?”

  “No, I had to leave. It didn’t work out.”

  “What’s that mean? You had to leave and it didn’t work out? You had a full scholarship. You’re the smartest person I’ve even known, there’s no way you flunked out. So…what happened?”

  “You know, Trent and I got married then I got pregnant, and we decided it was best if I left school and Trent concentrated on his career.”

  “Wait up. You’ve got a child?” She half jumps out of her seat over to me.

  “No, I lost the baby,” I say softly.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Lily. Really sorry.”

  Again there’s a tense cocoon of awkward quiet that embraces us until the waitress brings over our hot chocolates. “It just wasn’t meant to be; it’s okay. I couldn’t care for a baby anyway. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

  “You’d have Trent’s mom to help.”

  I look away, avoiding her again. “Yeah,” I answer half-heartedly. “Anyway, Trent’s doing well in medical school. Well, he’s doing his residency now and although there’s a lot of stress for him, he’s enjoying it.”

  “Good,” Shayne says and sits back on the bench seat. “Why didn’t you finish school, Lily?” She picks her hot chocolate up and sips on it.

  “Trent’s career is so much more important than mine. We made the decision that I’d work and he’d go through medical school.”

  “So then when he’s a doctor, you’ll go back to school and finish?”

  “Um. We haven’t talked about that. I’m happy at the grocery store. They’ve promoted me a few times.”

  Shayne squints her eyes at me, and nervously I push my fingers through my hair. “All you’ve ever wanted to do was read and teach, why can’t you do it once he’s a doctor? They earn really good money, maybe not initially, but a couple of years into him being a doctor, you can go back to school.”

  “I don’t know. I’ll have to see what Trent wants to do.”

  Shayne straightens in her seat and her face takes on a questioning look. “What do you mean by that, Lily? I know you’re married and you have to discuss things with your husband, but you’re also fifty percent in your marriage. Your voice on what you want should be considered too.”

  “Oh, it is,” I say too eagerly. “He’s looking after our finances because he says we need to save to buy a house. And he says him being a doctor is much more important than me being a teacher. He’s looking out for both of us.”

  “Do you see how much is in you
r bank account? Do you know what’s happening with the finances?”

  “Trent says I don’t need to know.”

  “For God’s sake, listen to yourself. It’s been seven years, Lily. Seven damn years since I’ve seen you, and I don’t recognize the person you’ve become. Physically or mentally. The Lily I knew was battling demons from her past, but now I think she’s living with the biggest demon of them all.”

  “That’s not true. Trent loves me.”

  “Trent’s not the one I’m talking about. I’m talking about what’s up here.” She leans over and taps her finger to my temple. “You’re battling yourself. You’ve got no sense of self-worth whatsoever. You’re literally just a shadow of the girl I once knew.”

  Shayne’s trying to tell me something I already know. I’ve led a life where I was shown and told consistently how worthless and useless I am. It wasn’t gradually introduced to me once I was married to a beast masquerading as a man. No, my worthlessness was ingrained into me before I reached the age of ten. While my mind was still forming and growing, I was shown and told many times how stupid I am, how ugly I am, how useless I am, how no one will ever love me.

  I’ve got someone in my life who sometimes tells me he loves me, and I’m sure he’s the absolute best I can do. I’m not worth anything. I never have been. If I died tomorrow, there’d be no one to mourn for me, or to lay on my grave because they’re going to miss me. Miss my smile, miss me just being near them. No one will ever grieve me, because I’m worthless.

  “I’m trying,” I say in a small voice.

  “What exactly are you trying? Do you even read The Crucible anymore?” She remembered. I can’t believe Shayne remembered. I look up at her and I can feel I have tears pooling in my eyes. “You thought I forgot, didn’t you? I haven’t. I remember the day you got it from the bookstore, the glazed look in your eyes as if you’d been told you’d won millions of dollars. You breezed through work for a week, on the happiest of highs because you had something important to you.”

  The tears can’t be contained any longer, now they’re falling and I’m desperately trying to wipe them away so I don’t look like such a crybaby.

  “I’m sorry; don’t be mad with me,” I get out through heaving sobs.

  “I’m not mad with you.” Shayne stands and comes to sit beside me. “I love you, Lily. I hate how we haven’t been able to stay in touch. All I want is what’s best for my friend. You see, she’s been through so much shit in her life, she should be able to live a happy adulthood. That’s all I want for her…for you.” She hugs me, and draws me into her warm, loving frame. “I’ve wanted to get in contact with you every single day, but I lost the paper you gave me with your address. Liam kept telling me to look you up on social media, or to call you. And when I did try calling you, your number was no longer connected. Liam even went past Trent’s parents’ place, and his dad swore at him and told him if he ever came back, he’d shoot him. So I tried, and I saw someone near the window, but they wouldn’t answer the door.”

  “You went there looking for me?” Someone cares about me?

  “Yes, and then I found the address you had given me. I sent you a couple of letters, but I never got anything in return, so I thought you’d moved.” I never got any mail, only that one postcard from Italy.

  “We haven’t, we’re still in the same apartment. Trent says we can’t afford to move.”

  Shayne sighs and slightly slumps, and she pulls me in for another tight hug. “Why don’t we just put this behind us, and be happy that we’ve found each other again?” She moves to the opposite side of the booth again and smiles at me.

  The waitress brings over two huge plates and carefully puts them down in front of us. “Can I get you two ladies anything else?” she asks.

  “No, thank you,” I answer her then turn to look at one of the biggest meals I’ve ever seen in my life. “There’s no way I can eat all this and not be sick.”

  Shayne’s already started in on her burger, shoveling in fries between mouthfuls. She’s got mustard all over her mouth and she looks like a kid. I chuckle at her and her sauce-smeared face. “What?” she says with cheeks puffy with burger and fries. “I wuve ood.” I burst into laughter, because I seriously have no idea what she’s attempting to say. She chews and then swallows, picks up her napkin and wipes her face. “What? There’s nothing wrong with me. I love my food.” She’s so savage I can’t help but burst into laughter.

  I’m so glad the mood has shifted and isn’t as somber.

  We sit, eat, and talk. Before I know it, I need to get back to work. “I have to go,” I say. But my voice is sad and sudden gloom overtakes me, a feeling of dread because I don’t ever want to lose contact with Shayne again.

  “Here, take my number,” she says, as she roots around in her bag for a pen. “Aha,” she proudly announces and pulls a pen out. She writes her number on the back on a napkin and gives it to me. “Now, yours.” She looks at me eagerly and waits.

  I rattle off my number as she enters it into her phone and we both stand to leave. As soon as I get home, I’ll write hers in my diary, just to make sure I have it and can never lose it.

  We walk over to the cashier, and I feel completely mortified by the fact Shayne is buying my lunch. “We were that table,” Shayne says as she turns to indicate the booth we were sitting at.

  “Oh, your check was taken care of,” the cheery young girl says.

  Ice chills my blood, the hair on the arms instantly rise and I feel like I’m about to lose what I’ve eaten. Trent knows and he paid the bill, it’s his way of saying I’m in so much trouble. My heart is beating so fast, and I feel a tightness across my chest. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

  “What? Who paid?” Shayne asks, but I already know the answer. I’m in for it tonight. He’s going to be so mad at me. He’s going to accuse me of stealing from his wallet, and he’s going to punish me.

  “He didn’t say his name,” the girl replies. Her answer is even more frightening. Trent wants me to worry, and to anticipate what I’m going to cop when I get home. “But I gotta say, he was kinda cute.” Oh my God, Trent’s going to kill me. Not figuratively speaking, but actually kill me. “I could tell he was nervous, because he stuttered when he was talking to me.”

  Wait.

  Trent doesn’t know?

  “How nice of him to pay for us. I wonder who he is, it would be nice to say thank you,” Shayne says. She pops a twenty in the tip jar, and winks at the girl.

  And I’m left standing beside her, suddenly not nervous anymore. The giant rock tumbling around in my tummy disappears, and the barrage of explosive panic completely settles.

  “He was sitting over there, in that corner, on his own. And he got up, looked over toward you two ladies and smiled. He then handed me a fifty, paid for himself and your check, and told me to keep the change. Really nice-looking guy, too.” She slightly blushes.

  “Wow,” I say, taken aback by someone else’s generosity.

  “Yeah, wow. And cool,” Shayne adds. “Come on, you’ve got to get back to work.” She goes to the door and I retreat the few steps back to the waitress.

  “Did you say he stuttered?”

  “Yeah, he did.”

  I walk out of the café trying to understand why someone would do something so charitable and not want anything in return.

  “How cool, never had someone buy my lunch before. Drinks, yeah, all the time when I go to clubs, but never a whole meal. Not like that.” She throws her thumb over her shoulder to indicate the café.

  “Me either,” I reply honestly.

  “Okay, well, you need to get to work and I have a husband who’s due home in two hours. Call me, Lily. And don’t wait to call me, call me tomorrow.” She hugs me, “I love you.” She kisses my cheek then whispers, “Pretty cool about lunch. Wish I knew who it was though.”

  I hug her back and promise to call her.

  For the rest of the night at work, I’m in a daze. A man, a mostly perfect s
tranger, paid for my meal.

  But he’s not completely unknown.

  He’s Max.

  “Wake up!” Trent yells, then I feel something wet hit on my face. “Wake up!”

  I sit up in bed and my face and some of my hair is drenched from the water Trent just threw on me. “I’m awake.” I wipe my face and get out of bed.

  “We need to leave, the drive is going to be hectic.”

  I look over at my alarm to see the time, and see it’s minutes before four in the morning. “I’m getting up now, Trent.”

  “Get changed, and get my clothes ready while I go make myself a coffee.” He walks out of our bedroom and I hear him rattling around in the kitchen.

  Going into the bathroom, I do my morning routine, and get changed. I get Trent’s clothes ready, and when I finish I go out to our tiny kitchen. Trent’s sitting at the head of the table stirring his coffee.

  “Come here, babe,” he says grabbing me around the waist and sitting me on his lap. He pulls the sleeve of my sweater up and starts drawing circles on my bare skin. “Your skin is pretty.” He leans in to nuzzle my neck. “Really pretty.” He nips at the skin and then sucks it into his mouth. This is the most affection he’s shown me in a long time. I can’t remember the last time he’s been so attentive toward me. Closing my eyes, I relax into his frame and enjoy the small amount of attention he’s lavishing on me.

  Suddenly, there’s a burning sensation on my arm, where Trent had pushed my sleeve up. He starts laughing against my throat and I try to move my arm away. Screaming, I open my eyes and try harder to yank my arm away. But Trent is holding my arm down with one of his big paws, and has the spoon from his coffee cup pressing into my skin.

  “Trent!” I yell, but I’m still mindful we have neighbors in the apartment complex we’re living in. “You’re hurting me, please stop,” I beg.

  Trent’s laugh is so evil, it’s soul-consuming, as if he’s reaching inside me and killing the small amount of life left in me. Like a plant, finally dying as it fades away from a lack of sun or water. He’s killing one of the last parts of me.

  “Trent.” I finally break down and cry. The pain has gone, I can no longer feel the heat of the spoon, all I can feel is nothing.