Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Lily. Shayne wants to talk to you. I’m just going to put the phone on speaker, and put it down. I’ll be standing over here.”

  I feel Liam move away from me, and I can hear Shayne. “Hey, girl. What’s going on?”

  “He was touching me.”

  “Tell me about the book you’re working on.” I stop rocking, and turn my head to the phone. I begin to slowly tell her, and as I’m talking I can feel myself calming down. A few moments later, I let go of my legs and pick the phone up turning off the speaker.

  “I’m okay now.”

  “What happened?”

  “I panicked.”

  “Why?”

  “I wanted to ask you if it was okay for Max to come over for dinner. But I started freaking out, thinking what if he’s not as good as I think he is. What if I introduce him to you and he hurts you or Liam? What if he hurts me?” I can hear the whir of the car in the background and know she’s on her way home.

  “I think that’s a brilliant idea. Invite him tonight.”

  “What if…”

  “Then we’ll deal with it. Call him and invite him. And Liam said something about Chinese food?”

  “I was going to order some.” I stand from the floor and go to the door, where Liam is standing. I wrap my arms around him, silently thanking him for being the best brother anyone could ever have. He kisses my forehead, pushes me back slightly and winks. He then walks away.

  “Dumplings for me, and sweet and sour pork. Liam will tell you what he wants. I’ll be home in about twenty minutes. The roads are slippery, so I’m taking it easy.”

  I hang up and go out to find Liam. “Hey, thank you for that.”

  “You’re welcome, chicken butt. We getting Chinese or what?”

  I smile and hug him again. “Yeah, and I’m going to call Max and see if he wants to come over.”

  “Good idea. Here’s the menu of our favorite place, but call Max first.” He walks over to a drawer in the kitchen and gets the take out menu. I leave his phone on the counter and go into my room to get my phone.

  There’s a missed call from Max, and I return his call. “Hi there, Lily. Fancy hearing from you tonight.”

  “I’m wondering if you’d like to come to dinner tonight? Liam and Shayne would like to meet you.”

  “I’d love to.” We chat for a few moments, and I hold it together. He has no idea at all, less than half an hour ago I freaked right out. If Shayne and Liam are willing to give him a go, see if he really is a good guy, then why am I panicking so much?

  I’ve ordered the Chinese, Shayne is home and the moment she comes in, she shoves a small bag in my hand and quietly whispers to hide it in my room. I smiled and hid Liam’s present. Well, I assume it’s for him. I really hope she hasn’t bought me anything.

  The doorbell rings and I know it’s either the Chinese, or Max. I take a breath and steal a small look at Shayne who’s nursing a wine and smiling at me. She gives me an encouraging look, one which screams at me, ‘It’s okay. We’re here to support you.’ I weakly smile, and go to the door. The moment I open it, I’m hit with the freezing cold of the night air, and I’m floored by the tall man standing in front of me.

  “Hello, Lily,” Max’s deep, gruff voice says. He’s holding two things. One is a bouquet of yellow roses, and the other is a bottle of white wine.

  “Max,” I say, as I step to the side to let him in.

  “For you,” he hands me the yellow roses, and leans in to kiss me on the cheek.

  “Thank you, they’re beautiful.” I bring them to my nose to smell. I’m not even sure if roses are available through winter, so where he found these, I have no idea.

  “You’re welcome.” I can tell he’s jittery, and as on edge as am I.

  “This way, please, come meet Shayne and Liam.” I lead him through the family room to where Shayne and Liam are standing in the kitchen. “Shayne, Liam, this is Max.”

  “Pleased to meet you,” he says, as he extends his hand and leans in to kiss Shayne on the cheek, then shakes Liam’s hand.

  By the time introductions are done, there’s another knock on the door and I go to get the Chinese food I ordered. As I reach into my pocket to take the money out, a hand darts out, holding the cash. I turn to see Max standing to the side of me with the cheekiest smile on his face.

  “What are you doing?” I ask as I try to snatch my money back and give the delivery driver my money. “Don’t you dare take his,” I growl toward the delivery driver.

  “It is an injustice to have a beautiful woman pay for my food. Take my money, young man,” he says in that deep, gravelly voice.

  The kid looks at me, and then at Max. Deciding Max is more intimidating, he takes Max’s money and offers me a consolation prize of a weak smile. “Sorry, lady, I can’t break the dude code,” he says, then hands me the food.

  “You’ve never let me pay. And besides, you’re my guest here. You should not pay for the food.” I take the bags, and close the door.

  Max takes the bags out of my hands, and walks off toward the kitchen where Shayne and Liam are.

  “Dinner, ladies and gentleman,” Max says as he places the bags on the counter.

  “Bring them in the dining room, we’ll eat there,” Liam says, carrying bowls and chopsticks, and a fork for me.

  Max pulls my chair out, and waits until I’m seated before he sits beside me.

  Shayne smacks Liam in the chest and says, “See, that’s how a gentleman treats a lady. He pulls her chair out and waits until she’s seated before he even thinks about moving. Pull my chair out.” I’m chuckling at the banter between them, and I can see Max is holding in his laugh, too.

  “Good one, buddy. Next thing I’ll have to open her car door, too. Thanks,” Liam sarcastically says as he rolls his eyes.

  “Damn straight,” Shayne adds.

  Max and Liam open all the different foods I ordered, and Shayne takes the sweet and sour pork and the dumplings and puts them in front of her. “You going to share those?” Max asks as he pointedly looks at the food.

  “Never come between a woman and her dumplings and sweet and sour pork.” She nips the ends of her chopsticks together toward Max.

  Max put his hands up in surrender and says, “My apologies.”

  Liam opens the bottle of wine, pours us all a drink and we casually sit around the table, talking easily.

  Max effortlessly blends into our dynamic. He’s not trying too hard, and he’s openly talking with Shayne and Liam. There are questions being asked, and answered, and the conversation couldn’t be any smoother if I tried.

  I take a moment and look around the table. I’m surrounded by my family and my friend. “I’ll make coffee,” Shayne says at the end of the meal, as she stands and begins to gather all the containers and bowls.

  “I’ll help you clear,” Max offers.

  “Oh no, you stay here with Liam. Liam, take Max out in the family room and talk to him. I have to give Lily my opinion on Max,” Shayne truthfully blurts.

  “Shayne,” I half whisper-yell.

  “He knows we’re going to talk about him. It’s insulting to him if I lie and say I need help in the kitchen. So I may as well tell the truth. Now come help me, so we can girl talk.”

  I duck my head down, and look at Max, who’s smiling. “I’m so sorry,” I say, though my apology really doesn’t have merit. He knows it, and I know it.

  “Go, and tell me what she thinks. I may need to up the ante,” Max says, as loud as Shayne said her words.

  “Oh God, there’s two of them,” I say looking to Liam.

  “Hey, I’m married to one, and if I agree she’ll hold out on me. So I’m not saying anything.” Liam stands. “Come on Max, let me tell you a few secrets about our chicken butt.”

  “Oh crap,” I sigh.

  Shayne takes some things, and I gather up the rest and we go into the kitchen. “Girl, he’s fine,” Shayne says as she scrapes the bowls into the trash.

  “He’s reall
y nice.”

  “That stutter of his is pretty bad. At first I had to concentrate on what he was saying just to try and comprehend him, but the more he talked, the easier it got for me to understand.”

  “Huh, really.” I stop what I’m doing and look at Shayne. “Isn’t that interesting? I don’t hear his stutter anymore. To me, he speaks like us.”

  “Really? Because he is hard to understand. Virtually every word he stutters on. I wonder why he’s never had speech therapy to correct it. I wonder why he stutters.” She’s not asking me, she’s just talking out loud. Of course I know, but it’s not my place to say anything.

  “You like him? You think he’s good people?”

  “I do. And I think you should certainly let him be your friend and if, over time, anything happens, I think he’s a good guy. Tell him not be a stranger around here, let’s see how he is when he gets comfortable with us.”

  I hug Shayne. She means the world to me. “Thank you,” I whisper. “Just, thank you.”

  She makes the coffees and takes them out to the family room, where Liam and Max are laughing at something. “What’s so funny?” Shayne asks, as she hands Liam his coffee and sits on his lap.

  “Nothing that concerns you ladies,” Liam retorts. Shayne lifts her eyebrows and tilts her head. “Okay, Max was telling me a guy went into the ER because he had been bitten by his pet ferret on his…” He points to his penis.

  “What the hell was the ferret doing near… that?” Shayne asks, and scrunches her nose in disgust.

  “The ferret sleeps in the bed with him, and the guy sleeps nude.”

  “I doubt that ferret would be sleeping in the bed anymore,” I mumble. And everyone ‘ewws’ at just the thought.

  After everyone has their coffee, Max stands and tells us he needs to get home because he has an early shift at the hospital. Both Shayne and Liam say goodnight to him, and give him an open invitation to come back whenever he wants. They both leave, allowing Max and myself a few moments together before he goes home.

  “Thank you, Lily. I enjoyed your family’s company.”

  “They’ve seen me at my worst, and they’re really protective of me.”

  “I understand why.” Max moves toward the front door. “But I like them, and I hope it’s okay with you if I come to dinner again.”

  “Only if you let me pay.”

  “Like that’s ever going to happen.” He rolls his eyes. “Before I leave, may I ask what you’re doing on Christmas day?”

  “Um, Shayne and Liam invited me to go to Liam’s mom’s place, but I think I’ll just stay here. I’ve never really been into Christmas.”

  “But the house is so nicely decorated, I’m surprised you’re not into the Christmas cheer.” He looks around at the green and reds, which are everywhere.

  I shake my head, and look down at my knitted hands. “I’ve never really had a reason. And I’m not ready to do a big family thing. I’ll just stay here, and veg out.”

  “I see. Then I insist on joining you in the ‘vegging out’ process. How does ten in the morning sound? I’ll bring some movies, and you can cook?”

  The way he says it, he’s not giving me an option to say no. I like the thought of not being alone, but I also don’t want to drag him away from whatever his plans were. “I can’t ask you to drop your plans.”

  “I was going to ask you to spend the day with me regardless.”

  “You were?”

  “Of course.”

  Smiling, I answer, “Ten is perfect.”

  “Great. I’ll see you on the twenty-fifth at ten in the morning.” He leans down, and gently kisses my cheek. “Goodnight, Lily.”

  “Bye,” I say as I open the door and let him out. I watch as he goes to his car, gets in and leaves.

  As I walk back toward my room, I notice Shayne and Liam have gone to bed. Smiling to myself, I declare tonight’s gone fairly well. I may have had a panic attack, but I managed to pull myself together and have a lovely dinner, with the most important people in my life.

  I take my pajamas into the bathroom, strip, brush my teeth and get changed for bed. When I get in my room, I turn my alarm on extra early so I can have a shower, and turn the light off, crawling into bed.

  There’s a smile tugging at my lips.

  And when I close my eyes, I’m instantly dragged into the world of a young Lily, and a little blond-haired boy named Wade.

  I love having this dream. It reminds me how one day, I’ll be as joyful as I am in my dreams. And right now, I know I’m on my way to a happy life.

  It’s the day before Christmas, and also my very first psychologist appointment with Katherine. I’m not sure what to expect of her, or even what will happen in just the hour and a half I’ve scheduled.

  I’ve finished work for the next two days and I’m on my way to her office. It’s downtown, about a half hour from home. I don’t mind the cab ride, because it gives me time to just think about the last few days.

  We had our Christmas party for work, and when Peter handed out all the envelopes with the employees’ bonuses, he gave me one too. I wasn’t expecting it, so I slid it into my bag with full intentions of returning it to him while we were alone. I didn’t for one minute want to appear ungrateful, so through lunch, while everyone was merrily talking, I was trying to formulate my answer.

  When lunch was finished and we all slowly walked back to work, I went ahead, and put the envelope on Peter’s desk. Moments later he came in, went into his office and called me in.

  “Yes, Peter?” I asked as I stood at his door.

  “What’s this?”

  “That’s my Christmas bonus. You and Dale have done more than enough for me, including financing the car. I can’t accept anything else.”

  “Hmmm,” he said as he sat as his chair.

  I felt a victory, because he wasn’t going to debate it with me, or pull rank and tell me I had to take it. “Is there anything else you need?”

  “Me? No.” He shook his head. “But you can take this envelope and drop it off at the local church.” He pushed my envelope toward me on his desk. My shoulders sunk, and I started to consider what it is he was actually offering. “Someone will appreciate it there, if not, oh well.” He lifted his shoulders as if to say ‘too bad.’

  “Wait.” I felt myself begin to question my decision.

  “Yes?” He looked up at me, with not one ounce of judgement.

  “Can I take it back?”

  “You can do as you please with it.”

  I walked over and picked up the envelope. “I’m sure the local women’s shelter will need it over Christmas.”

  “The choice is yours and yours alone. No one else can make that decision for you, Lily. What’s in this envelope is for you to do with as you choose. If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to donate it, that’s your choice.” He pointed to the envelope and smiled.

  I stood for a moment trying to wrap my head around this gift. “If I take this…”

  “Then you’re declaring yourself worthy,” he said. The words tear at me. And they’ve been playing on my mind since that day.

  I look down at my bag, and slide the envelope out, looking at it and deciding what I’m going to do with it. I haven’t opened it. I don’t need to know what’s inside, because it’s been made abundantly clear to me that Peter and Dale are beyond generous.

  The cab pulls up in front of a store, next to which is a flight of stairs, leading up to some offices. Katherine Scott’s name is on one of the wall plaques, and I buzz the practice.

  “Hello,” answers a lady in a croaky voice.

  “Um, I have an appointment with Katherine…er…I mean Doctor Katherine…er…”

  “Come up, dear.” She buzzes the door and I go up to find her office. When I find it, I push the door open and I’m greeted with an older lady, maybe in her sixties, sitting behind the reception desk. “You must be Lily Anderson. Katherine won’t be long. Could you fill these forms in, so Katherine has a
better understanding of you?”

  She gives me a clipboard with a few sheets of paper. Some questions are generic and some are more personal. Before I get to finish, a lady comes and stands in front of me. “Lily?” she asks.

  I look up to see an older woman with wild, brown hair, dressed in ‘new age’ clothing, smiling down at me. “Um, yes.” I stand and she has me follow her into her office.

  “In here, everything discussed is confidential.” She sits crossed legged on her winged arm chair and offers for me to sit. As I look around the room, I notice a bean bag, a regular chair, and a sofa. I opt to sit on the sofa, and put my bag snug up against my body. “So, tell me Lily. When did it start?”

  I get a frightening jolt. I realize now maybe I should have checked Katherine out a little more thoroughly. But the way she’s looking at me, smiling, and inviting me to pour my heart out breaks me.

  I burst into sobs.

  Uncontrollable tears fall from my eyes. The heaviness that has always weighed on my chest suddenly lifts and every emotion I’ve had, rushes to the surface.

  An ocean of shame, embarrassment, resentment and weakness spills from me. The tears are clearly my way of me dealing with so many years of abuse, repression, and helplessness.

  The next ninety minutes go by in a complete daze, full of the intense agony I’ve felt for so many years.

  Nothing specific is discussed, but I can sense that Katherine knows all about me just by the way I react to her words.

  The hour and a half flies by, and we accomplish nothing. Or so it feels to me. At the end, Katherine says to me, “Have you got someone to take you home?” I shake my head. “You can’t be on your own.”

  “Shayne and Liam are staying at his parent’s place tonight, so it’s only me.”

  “Lily, I want to see you straight after Christmas. I really believe you’re ready to let everything go, and move on with your life. But tonight, a nice hot bath and one glass of wine.” She winks at me, and I barely manage to crack a small smile. “Are you sure there’s no one you can ask to take you home?”