by ML Roberts
The address is in Durham – Chester-le-Street – so it isn’t that far from here. No one we know lives in Chester-le-Street. No one I know lives in Chester-le-Street.
A sudden knock at the door makes me jump, my phone slipping from my grasp, and I quickly glance over at the security monitor by the door. It’s Liam. I’m not in the mood for him tonight. I need to be alone.
I get up, retrieve my phone from the floor and move slowly across the hallway. I remove the chain and pull back the bolts; I open the door, but I don’t stand aside to let him in. I stay firmly rooted in the doorway. I don’t want to let him in. I want him to go away. I want to find out what Michael’s doing at this unfamiliar address, although I’m already certain I know who he’s with. It has to be Ava; it has to be her.
‘Is Michael in?’ Liam asks, taking a step forward; he thinks he’s coming inside. He isn’t.
I narrow my eyes, the look I give him full of suspicion. ‘Why didn’t you call him first? You never just turn up like this.’
‘I do, actually. I quite often just turn up like this. And I was on my way back from a late meeting at the university, so that’s why I’ve just dropped by, on the off chance. So quit with the paranoia Ellie, okay? There’s nothing weird going on. I just wondered if he wanted a quick drink, that’s all. And I could do with having a word with him about Saturday’s squash game. You going to let me in?’
I fold my arms, still clutching my phone in my hand, although I’m trying to discreetly slide it up the sleeve of my jumper. I don’t want him to see it. I don’t want him to think I’m doing anything I shouldn’t.
‘Michael isn’t here; he’s gone out. And I’m really tired, so…’
‘You had another fight?’
‘You say that like it’s all we do.’
‘Isn’t it?’
‘Like I said, Liam, I’m really tired. And Michael isn’t here.’
‘Do you know where he’s gone?’
He’s trying to catch me out, I know he is, but I won’t give him the satisfaction of winning this one. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?’
‘Ellie…?’
I shut the door in his face. I don’t want his company tonight. I don’t want anyone’s company. I want to know where my husband is.
Sitting back down on the stairs, I watch the monitor, waiting until Liam finally gives up and drives away. But I stay where I am. I do nothing for a few minutes. I just sit there, staring at the screen.
I check my phone again. Michael’s still at that unfamiliar address.
I get up and grab my jacket, slide my phone back into my pocket as I quickly set the alarm, pull the front door shut behind me and lock it, checking it twice, three times before I head over to my car. My husband is with her, I know he is.
Tonight’s the night I get the proof I need.
Tonight, I’m putting a stop to this shit. I’m ending it.
I’m ending it all.
Chapter 23
The roads are quiet as I follow the instructions barked at me by my sat nav, the cold, disembodied voice intermittently interrupting the music I’ve got playing quietly in the background.
It’s been almost forty minutes since Michael arrived at that address. And he’s still there. Forty minutes, and he hasn’t moved, hasn’t left, and I feel my stomach twist up, pushing the breath out of me. I don’t know whether I’m angry or scared. I just feel sick.
I turn a corner into a brand new housing estate as my sat nav informs me I’ve reached my destination. I crane my neck as I slow my speed down. I need to find Michael’s car. And then I spot it, parked outside a neat little detached house with hanging baskets and a perfectly manicured front lawn. It can’t be hers, surely; she’s too young to own her own home, isn’t she? And I still don’t know if this is her house yet. I’m just assuming. But who else does Michael know around here? Is he shagging every woman on this street? I close my eyes and grip the steering wheel tight. My thoughts are becoming dangerously irrational now.
So you see, Michael, I’m not crazy! How can I be crazy if I know I’m thinking irrationally?
Taking a succession of deep breaths, I open my eyes and throw back my head, trying to compose myself. Because if he is with her, I’m going to confront them. I’m going to put an end to it. That’s what I said I was going to do, and I’m doing it. I just need to see them, together, in that house…
Getting out of the car I’m thankful it’s quiet. It’s late, almost dark; curtains are being drawn; everyone’s behind closed doors, getting on with their lives. I’m out here, because my life is on hold. I’m just waiting to see if my husband really is cheating on me.
I lean back against the car, which is parked across the street from Michael’s, and I look over at the house, the one I’m assuming he’s inside. The only one on this street with the curtains still left open. I can see a TV on in the corner of the dimly lit living room, but I can’t see anyone inside, despite the fact it’s quite obviously occupied. Someone’s definitely home.
I keep my eyes focused on that house, glancing around me every now and again to make sure I’m not being watched. Maybe I’d look less suspicious if I took a walk up the street. I can do that. As long as I don’t take my eyes off that house.
And I’m just about to pull myself away from the car when I notice something, someone, coming into the living room, and I narrow my eyes, my heart beating so hard I can barely hear anything else. The sound fills my ears, echoing around my head. It’s her. I can see her clearly now as she draws the curtains. It’s Ava. I know it is, despite the fact I’ve only ever seen her a couple of times before, both times from a distance. But I know it’s her.
Her dark hair hangs loose around her shoulders; she’s wearing an oversized t-shirt and shorts. Are they that comfortable with each other now? Have they reached that stage already?
She starts laughing and turns her head slightly, looking behind her, and my fingers grasp the car door handle as I try to make out who she’s talking to. Is it Michael? Is it my husband? It’s his car outside; is she talking to him? Is he the one making her laugh? He used to make me laugh like that…
She draws the other curtain, shutting off my view, and I feel ready to explode. It’s like I have a volcano of emotions bubbling away inside of me, just waiting to erupt. I can’t hold them down any longer. I need to end this.
I step out into the road. This is it; I’m going to get my proof. I didn’t see Michael, but his car is there. What the hell am I waiting for? Of course he’s inside. He’s in there. He’s been in there for almost an hour, with her. Alone. Together. Has he fucked her yet? Is that what they’ve been doing while I’ve been alone? Laughing. Fucking. Talking. Everything we don’t do any more.
I’m almost on the other side of the street, almost there, outside that house, and I’m filled with a strange mix of emotions now. My heart’s thud-thud-thudding wildly, pumping the blood through my veins at a breakneck speed that sees me stop, just for a second, to catch my breath. I need to breathe, need to compose myself before I confront my lying, cheating husband. Before I confront her. Ava. His whore.
Pushing both hands through my hair, I throw back my head and take a long, deep breath, exhaling slowly. I’m ready for this. I’m ready for it, all of it. But then a hand suddenly grabs my arm and I swing around, ready to scream, but he shakes his head, putting a finger to his mouth to silence me as he drags me back across the road.
He slams me back against the car. Am I scared? No. I’m fucking angry.
‘Did you follow me?’ I ask, trying desperately to get my breath back. My throat’s so tight now I can barely breathe.
‘What did I tell you, Ellie? I told you to leave this to me.’
I laugh. He’s kidding me, right? ‘You didn’t answer my question, Liam. Did you follow me?’
‘Of course I fucking followed you. You were about to do some crazy shit. I could tell, because you’re so transparent…’
‘And you can read me so well, huh?’
>
‘Like a fucking book. I’ve known you too long, Ellie. I know the way you work, way better than Michael ever could. And I’m not going to let you go in there, all guns blazing, when you don’t know what the situation is. You don’t even know if he’s in there.’
‘That’s his car, Liam. Look. Over there, parked right outside her house. I saw her inside…’
‘Did you see him?’
‘That’s his car.’
He looks at me, just looks at me, he doesn’t say anything. And I feel that anger steadily rise. He had no right to do this, to stop me. He had no right.
‘I could’ve put an end to this, Liam. I could’ve stopped this, right now, tonight.’
‘By what? Confronting them? You don’t even know what the fuck’s going on!’
‘He’s having an affair.’
His eyes burn into mine, even here, in the darkness, I can see the fire behind them. ‘He’s having an affair…’ He trails off, turns his head away from mine, and he laughs. A small, sharp laugh, and then he looks back at me.
‘Liam, I’m…’
He shakes his head. Opens the car door. ‘Get inside. I’m not doing this out here. We’re going home.’
*
He kicks the front door shut and strides across the hallway into the kitchen, making straight for the bottle of Scotch Michael keeps on the counter. I don’t follow him, not straightaway; I need to make sure the door is secure first. I slide the chain on, pull the lock across; it’s a habit now. As with checking my phone, it’s become an addiction. Even now, as I finally head into the kitchen, I’m pulling it out of my pocket, checking where Michael is. He’s left her house now. He’s on the move. Is he coming back home? Back to me? Or is he still with her? Has she gone with him? Are they heading somewhere together? My head’s so full of questions that it’s spinning, making me dizzy.
‘Put it down, Ellie.’
I raise my gaze, but I don’t do anything. He doesn’t get to order me around; that isn’t his place. ‘He’s on his way home.’ I don’t know that for sure. I don’t know where he’s going, but I’ll find out. I’ll keep track of him, all night if I have to.
‘Just put the phone down. Please.’
‘You should go. It’s late.’
‘I’m not going anywhere. Not when you’re like this.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You’re fine, huh? You think what you were about to do tonight – you think those are the actions of someone who’s fine?’
I finally put my phone down and drop my gaze, staring down at my still-bandaged hand. But I don’t say anything. I’m too tired to argue, and I think he is too.
I hear Liam place his glass down on the counter; feel him come closer, his voice softening. He has way more patience with me than Michael does.
‘Do you want me to stay, Ellie?’
‘It’s late. You need to get some sleep. You have work in the morning.’
‘Do you want me to stay?’ he repeats, and I look up. I feel calmer now. Liam does that to me; he calms me. He gives me a kind of peace I don’t get from Michael. That’s why I need him.
‘Yes. I want you to stay.’
He smiles, and I feel that calm start to flood through me now, easing the tension, sweeping the anxiety away, and I welcome that. Even though I know it’s only a temporary feeling. I just need these snatched moments of calm. A time to forget. Pretend. Be somebody else, someone whose life isn’t falling apart. Liam allows me to be that person. He allows me to live those moments.
‘I’m going to grab a quick shower.’
I start to walk away, but he grabs hold of my hand, stopping me from moving any further away from him, and I swing around to look at him, his eyes burning into mine. It’s time to pretend now. Time to forget. Time to be somebody else for a little while. There’s no Michael. There’s no Ellie. There’s no Ellie and Michael.
‘Do you want me to join you?’ he murmurs, his lips brushing the side of my neck as he leans in to me, a tiny shiver shooting down my spine, and I smile. I let him pull me a little closer. I let his fingertips stroke my cheek, let his hand rest gently on the small of my back. I let him kiss me…
Chapter 24
Ten Months Ago …
I don’t know why we’re here. I don’t want to be here. I didn’t want this party, neither did Michael, not really. He’s just trying to get things back to normal. Trying to get us back to normal. I think he’s wasting his time.
Four months ago, something devastating happened.
I lost our baby.
Four months ago, I was also told I would never have another one.
Four months ago, our lives, our whole fucking world, it changed. Forever. And I can’t deal with it.
‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Ellie?’
I look at my husband. Renowned English Literature lecturer. Handsome. Popular. Everyone loves Professor Michael Travers, including those who have no right to.
I drain my glass of whisky, my eyes never leaving his. ‘I’m not even close.’
‘Jesus Christ …’
‘Denial is your way of dealing with things, Michael. Drink is mine.’
‘I’m not talking to you in this state.’
‘You don’t talk to me in any state, do you? You don’t even touch me … when was the last time we had sex? Hmm? When was the last time you made me feel anything?’
He moves a little closer, his eyes blazing, his voice so low it’s almost a hiss. I’m pushing him. Fine. That’s good. He needs pushing. ‘I’m not doing this here, Ellie. Pull yourself together, for goodness’ sake.’ He leans in even closer, his mouth almost touching my ear as he speaks. ‘Let’s just move on, okay?’
He backs off, turns around and walks away, back to the party. Our anniversary party. Fourteen years we’ve been married. Fourteen wonderful, happy years. Ellie and Michael – the perfect couple. Even tragedy couldn’t tear us apart, at least, that’s what everyone thinks, thanks to Michael’s desperate need to paper over the cracks of a marriage that’s breaking. Cracks that are growing bigger by the day.
I pour myself another drink, swallow the whisky down in one; I can feel it burn my throat, settle in my belly. But it’s going down like water as I’m feeling no effects, I’m not even remotely drunk. I wanted the edge taken off. This hasn’t even clipped it.
‘Hey.’
Liam’s hand lightly brushes the small of my back as he joins me at the counter in the kitchen. I look up at him. ‘Hey.’
He grabs a beer from the fridge and leans back against it, looking out ahead of him. ‘It was nice of Ed and Claire, to organize this party.’
‘Yes. It was.’
I drop my gaze, stare down into my empty glass.
‘Not in the party mood though, huh?’
I throw him a small smile. ‘People just want me and Michael to get back to the way we were.’ I shrug. ‘They want us to be happy.’
‘Are you? Happy?’
I hold his gaze, he knows the answer to that. He doesn’t have to ask that question. ‘Are you?’
He comes over to me. He returns his hand to the small of my back, and leans in so close to me I feel his breath on my neck. ‘I could be happier.’
I watch him walk away. Dr Liam Kennedy. Tall, handsome, my husband’s best friend. My best friend.
Grabbing what’s left of the bottle of whisky, I slip outside into Ed and Claire’s garden. It’s quieter out here, bar one or two smokers over on the terrace. I just need some air, to escape the pretence for a few minutes.
Sitting down on the edge of the decking, I wrap my fingers tight around the neck of the bottle, but I resist taking another drink. Now the fresh air’s hit me my head’s spinning slightly. Maybe Michael’s right. Maybe I have had enough. For now.
I throw back my head and breathe in deeply – once, twice, each time exhaling slowly. I try to do this sometimes, these breathing exercises, to try and control the panic that often builds up inside of me. Because of what happ
ened that night. But those exercises don’t always work. That night affected me too much, damaged me too much. The bruises may have healed, but the emotional pain is still raw. Every time I close my eyes I can still feel the punches and the kicks, I can still see her face …
I pull myself to my feet and head back inside. Michael’s talking to a group of his friends from the squash club, but he glances over – a glance so brief I almost miss it. He’s making sure I’m okay, that’s all. He needs me to be okay.
‘Ellie, come and tell us all about the new spa you’re planning to open.’
Claire’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I look at her, forcing a smile onto my face. Talking about work is always a welcome distraction, so I start to tell my friends about my new business venture, losing myself in talk of facials and massages as I try to pretend everything is normal. It’s only when I glance up and see Liam watching me from across the room, when he smiles at me and I feel something burn up inside of me, that I know nothing’s normal. I don’t think it ever will be again.
I leave my friends chatting happily about the prospect of a free spa day that I have just mentioned, and I go back into the kitchen. A small glass of wine isn’t going to hurt. My head feels clearer now I’ve come back indoors.
Sipping my wine, I stand against the archway that separates the kitchen from the family area of Claire and Ed’s spacious open-plan living space. Perfect for parties. Even those I don’t want to be a part of. I used to love parties. I loved being around people, but now I find their pity and their questions too much. And yet, being alone scares me. I don’t like my own company for too long. I’ve never felt vulnerable before, but I do now. And I hate that feeling.
I look around; I’m searching for Michael but I can’t see him anywhere. Maybe he’s gone outside, I don’t know. I’m not even sure I care. I’m so tense tonight, I’m finding it harder than usual to keep this charade going. So, when Liam’s eyes meet mine once more from across the room, I allow myself a smile – a smile he returns. I know Liam well. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known Michael, but Michael doesn’t know that. We never told him that we knew each other before. That we’d slept together before, a long time ago. Liam didn’t think it was important that Michael knew, he didn’t think it mattered. But now that Liam is suddenly such a big part of my life, in a way I never expected he would be – does it matter?