by ML Roberts
‘I’ve always loved you.’
He knows the score. He knows I can’t love him back, how can I? I love Michael. I love my husband.
‘You shouldn’t.’
‘Marrying Keeley, that was a mistake. I just – seeing you with him. With Michael. It fucking hurt, Ellie, that you chose him over me.’
‘I didn’t choose him over you, Liam. It wasn’t like that. I had no idea you and Michael even knew each other, not until I saw you at our engagement party.’
He drops his gaze, but I keep mine steady, keep it focused on him.
‘I should never have let you go.’
‘You didn’t let me go, I left you. I stopped returning your calls, I ignored your texts, I just walked away. What we had was nothing, it meant nothing.’
‘It means something now.’
‘To you. I’m not leaving Michael, do you understand that?’
‘What if he leaves you?’ He looks back at me, his eyes dark, verging on angry. ‘What if he’s already gone?’
‘He won’t leave me. He loves me.’
‘So much that you think he’s fucking one of his students?’
I slam my beer down on the table beside me, get up and head for the door, but before I reach it he’s seized hold of my hand and swung me into his arms. His mouth crashes down onto mine before I have a chance to protest, his fingers clawing at my clothes and he’s got me, I’m all in. I’m tearing at his shirt, pulling off his belt, I’m desperate to feel him now, even though I should walk away after what he said, but how can I? I walk away and I have nothing, no escape. I’m alone, if I walk away. I don’t want to be alone. I like the way he makes me feel, I need him.
It’s rough, hard, fast sex. The release we both need, we obviously have our own frustrations we need to vent. I scratch at his skin, bite down on his lip. My hips crash against his as he thrusts into me, there’ll be bruises I won’t even have to hide – Michael and me, we have sex so rarely these days. But that’ll change. One day. Soon. And by that time the bruises will have disappeared. The scratches will have healed.
Hot, hard, frantic sex, it’s what keeps me functioning. Keeps me focused. But I don’t love Liam. I love my husband.
He pulls out of me, steps back from me, and I close my eyes, I wait for my breathing to slow down. I wait, before I look at him.
‘You don’t love me, Liam. Things have just been crazy these past few months, everything’s confusing and …’
‘You don’t know how I feel, Ellie.’
I hold his gaze, my eyes burning into his. ‘I don’t know how I feel.’
He sits down on the couch and drops his head into his hands, dragging them both back through his hair.
‘I only married her – I only married Keeley because I thought it would help me get over you.’ He slowly raises his gaze. ‘It was a knee-jerk reaction.’
‘She didn’t deserve that.’
‘No. She didn’t.’
‘Did she know? Keeley? Did she know, that you only married her as a distraction?’
‘Of course she didn’t know. And in the end she left me, so I got what I deserved, right?’
I go over to him, crouch down in front of him, take his hands in mine, running my thumbs lightly over his knuckles. ‘I love Michael, Liam.’
He lets go of my hands, stands up, starts pacing the floor, raking a hand back and forth through his dark-blonde hair. ‘Then why are you here, Ellie?’ He stops pacing and turns to face me. ‘Why are you here, fucking me, if you love your husband?’
‘You know why, Liam.’
He holds my gaze, his eyes boring into mine. ‘You really think he’s having an affair? Or, is this all just something you’re seeing in your own mind because you don’t want to believe that what happened to you both was something that can’t be fixed?’
I shake my head, fold my arms against myself. ‘That’s not fair. We’re broken, but I can fix us.’
‘You really think that?’ He comes over to me, rests his palm against my cheek. ‘Maybe you just need to face up to the fact you and Michael are over.’
I push his hand away, sit down on the arm of the chair. Is he right? Am I really seeing something that isn’t there?
‘Ellie, I’m sorry, okay? I just – I think you need to take a step back, look at the facts …’
‘You have access to drugs, don’t you? At your lab?’
He frowns. My sudden change of subject has thrown him slightly. ‘Yes, but …’
‘Truth serums. They exist, right?’
He sits down on the couch, clasps his hands together. ‘Yes, in theory …’
‘Can you get hold of any?’
He laughs. I don’t think he believes what he’s hearing. Does he think I’m crazy? Does he think I’m losing it? Maybe I am. But I’m desperate now, to know the truth. Because I don’t think I am seeing something that isn’t there. I think it’s all very clear, I just need some proof, that’s all.
‘Ellie, come on, are you serious?’
Deadly.
‘I can’t just walk into the lab and walk out with an armful of drugs, it doesn’t work like that. I mean, what the hell do you think you’re going to do, huh? Even if I could get hold of anything remotely like that, what would you do with it? Slip it into his food, spike his drink? The effects of drugs like that – they’re not even proven to work, not to mention the legal and ethical issues they throw up. What the fuck is going on in your head right now?’
I get up and walk out of the room, into the kitchen, and he follows me, of course he does. He grabs my arm and spins me around. His expression is a mixture of pity, frustration, anger. ‘You’re scaring me now, Ellie, do you hear me? You’re really scaring me.’
‘You won’t help me?’
‘To break the law? No. I won’t. Do you have any idea of the kind of shit I could get myself into by helping you like that? It’s ridiculous.’
‘So, maybe I should just ask him outright? If he’s cheating on me, if he’s fucking one of his students. I should just ask him outright. Is that a better idea?’
‘Better than drugging him, yes.’
I wrench my arm free of his grip and walk over to the counter. I pour myself a large shot of vodka and swallow it down in one mouthful, the clear liquid burning my throat. It’s a feeling I’m used to, one I need.
‘Or you could just try and accept what’s happening.’
I look at him, I tilt my head to one side, and I frown. ‘And what is happening, Liam?’
‘You and Michael are drifting apart, it happens. What you guys went through, it would put a strain on any couple …’
‘Me and Michael aren’t just any couple.’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘You’re supposed to be his best friend.’
‘Best friends don’t sleep with their mates’ wives.’
I turn away from him, pour myself another vodka. The alcohol’s going straight to my head because I’ve had nothing to eat for hours, and it’s the first time I’ve really felt the effects in a while. I like it.
‘He just needed a distraction, Liam, that’s all. He needed something to help him deal with what happened.’
‘What did happen, Ellie?’
I turn around, look right into his eyes. ‘You know what happened.’
‘I wasn’t there.’
‘You know what happened.’ I resist pouring another drink, I think it would push me over the edge. ‘And I don’t want it to happen again.’
‘He didn’t know he had some crazy stalker student, Ellie.’
‘But he knows about this one.’
He narrows his eyes, and scoffs quietly. He really does think this is all in my head.
‘I need to find out, if he’s sleeping with her. I just need to know.’
‘And then what?’
‘I’ll deal with it.’
‘How?’
Whatever it takes. That’s how. But I don’t tell him that. I don’t tell him anything.
&nbs
p; He reaches out and pulls me into his arms, and I willingly fall against him. I’m too tired to talk any more, too exhausted to think straight.
He kisses the top of my head, his fingers sliding into my hair and I hold onto him. My safety net, my rock. Without him I’d have fallen a long time ago. He saved me. He’s saving me. Isn’t he …?
Chapter 31
As soon as I wake up, in a bed that isn’t mine, I panic. I regret staying out all night, what am I going to tell Michael? And then I remember. He’s going to Cardiff next week. Without me. With Ava?
I look at Liam, still asleep beside me, and I slip carefully out of bed, go into the bathroom. I don’t want to wake him yet. I need some time alone to think. Did I really ask him to get hold of a truth drug for me? Have I been watching too many movies? Looked at too many websites that are filling my head with outlandish ideas?
Looking in the mirror I see a woman I barely recognize staring back at me. I’m struggling to know who I am anymore, and there are times when I’m truly scared of what I’m capable of. And times when I know it’s those moments that give me the strength I need to get through this. To fight for my husband. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I’ve done, and I survived, didn’t I? Even if my baby didn’t.
I quickly brush my teeth before going back into the bedroom. I don’t even know what time it is, but it’s daylight outside so it can’t be that early, and then I glance at the clock and I see it’s just gone six. It’s very early. But I wake early a lot these days, that’s what happens when you have a lot on your mind.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed I reach for my phone. I need to check where Michael is. He’s at home. Of course he’s at home, it’s six in the morning. And he’s made a call, to that number, to Ava. Late last night, he spoke to Ava. Because he realized I’d gone? Why didn’t he call me? Didn’t he care where I was? Didn’t he fucking miss me? And then I double check his tracker history. He went out last night, too. Just after he made that call, he went out, to that address in Chester-le-Street. He went to her. He came home an hour later. And he still didn’t care that I wasn’t there?
Everything from anger to a crushing sadness fills my gut, tears streaming down my face, I want this to end, so badly it hurts. It kills me.
‘Put it down, Ellie.’
I quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, put the phone down on the bedside table. ‘He went out. Last night. He called her, and then he went out.’ I turn around, I look at Liam, another wave of sadness washing over me so fast I almost can’t breathe. ‘Why didn’t he call me? I’m his wife …’ I drop my head, let those tears fall again, I can’t stop them.
‘Hey, come on.’
Liam tucks a finger under my chin, tilts my head up so I look at him. His eyes are kind, it’s almost like he’s forgotten how much of a crazy person I was last night. How desperate I’ve become. That’s why I need him, to pull me back. To keep me this side of sane.
‘Listen, Ellie, if Michael is having some kind of affair with this student, are you really going to forgive him?’
‘Would he forgive you, Liam, if he knew you were sleeping with me?’
It’s a mess. It’s a god awful, complicated mess. Secrets and lies, betrayal and paranoia, they’re all part of our everyday lives, now. There’s no trust anymore. We’ve dug ourselves so deep into this pit of deceit we can’t see a way out. There’s so much we can’t come back from.
I need to go home. I need to see Michael. I need to talk to him, and this time I’ll make him listen. We can’t go on like this, we can’t, it’s destroying everything around us. But Liam’s pulling me back, towards that beautiful bubble we’ve created. Is there time? I need to see Michael …
He pushes me down onto my back, gently nudges my legs apart, his hand trailing up the side of my body as he pushes inside me, and I don’t fight it. I don’t want to fight it. It’s like a shot of calm, an injection of peace. When he’s inside me I can think straight. I become the woman I want to be instead of the woman I’ve become, so I’m never going to fight this. Instead I close my eyes, arch my back, let him take my hand and push my arm above my head, my fingers gripping his as we make love slowly. He’s flooding me with that calmness, it’s like everything’s running in slow motion, he’s giving me time to catch my breath. And I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I feel him kiss the tears away, feel his lips damp against my skin. He’s telling me it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay, but it isn’t. It can’t be, not when we’re surrounded by so many lies. So many secrets. So much betrayal. Nothing’s okay. Maybe it never was. The lies started so long ago. That perfect life I thought I’d lived with Michael, it wasn’t perfect at all. Not really. Even then I was lying to him.
The sex is over now, but Liam’s hand still holds onto mine, and as I turn onto my side, as I face him, I remember those peaceful Saturday mornings when Michael and I would lie in bed like this in a post-sex bubble of happiness. I remember when he used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world; his special girl, that’s what he used to call me. Now I feel nothing but an emptiness that only Liam can fill. He makes me feel everything Michael doesn’t. And that breaks my heart, but if I give this man up I risk losing myself completely. I can’t afford to do that.
‘I should go, soon,’ I whisper, running my fingertips lightly over his jaw line, the roughness of his beard sending tiny shivers shooting up my spine.
He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing it gently, his eyes locking on mine. ‘I used to pray that you and Michael wouldn’t last.’
His words don’t shock me as much as they should. Not after what he told me last night. Things he obviously meant. While I was asking him to smuggle me truth serums from his laboratory, he was telling me he loved me. That he’d always loved me. That he’d only married Keeley to distract himself from me.
I’m not that special, Liam. I’m really not that special.
‘I’m not proud of it, but that’s how I felt. I wanted something to come between you, to split you up, tear you apart, but believe me, Ellie, what happened – I wouldn’t have wished that. Not that.’
I smile weakly and lean in to kiss him, let him pull me back into his arms, I feel safe there. But I can’t stay here. I need to go.
I pull away from him and slide out of bed. I start to get dressed and he doesn’t stop me. He knows the score. He can tell me he loves me a hundred times, it won’t change anything. I love Michael, Liam’s just my escape. My respite. My support. That’s all he can be. And he knows that.
‘Are you going to be all right?’ he asks as I reach for my phone and slip it into my pocket.
‘I’ll be fine.’ I try to give him a more convincing smile, let him know I’m really not that crazy. ‘Liam, really, I’ll be fine. I’ll call you.’
‘Ellie?’
I turn around, wait for him to come to me. He looks concerned. Worried. He needn’t be, I’m okay now.
‘You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?’
I frown. ‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know. It’s just, last night you were talking truth drugs and …’
‘And you were telling me you loved me. You changed the game, Liam.’
‘This isn’t a game, Ellie.’
I look at him, up into his grey eyes. ‘I know.’
*
He’s in the kitchen, when I get home, drinking tea and reading his newspaper like it’s just another ordinary day.
He looks up from his paper, his expression almost impassive, although there’s a hint of a slightly puzzled frown there too.
‘You’ve been out early.’
‘I’ve been out all night, Michael.’
He puts down his paper and takes off his reading glasses. ‘What do you mean, you’ve been out all night?’
‘You really didn’t know?’
‘Where the fuck have you been, Ellie?’
No. No, he doesn’t get to sit there and lecture me. That isn
’t happening. But at the same time, he can’t find out that I know he went out too. He’d ask questions, and I can’t have that; I’m not handing him an excuse to become suspicious of me. He can’t ever find out I’m tracking him, I need to know where he is at all times. I don’t have my proof yet.
‘Where were you, Michael? If you slept in our bed, how could you not know …?’
‘I slept in the spare room.’
That throws me slightly, but it also explains how he could easily have missed the fact I wasn’t home last night. The way we are, the lengths he goes to in order to avoid being with me, he wouldn’t have bothered checking to see if I was in bed. He would’ve just assumed that I was.
‘Why?’ I whisper, because I’m scared now, that it’s come to this, that point where he doesn’t even want to share a bed with me. After coming home from seeing her? It’s like another piece of that already fragile world I’m trying desperately to hold onto is crumbling around me.
‘I went out, Ellie. Last night. I just – I needed some air, that’s all. I went out for a drink, a walk, to clear my head. And when I came back I assumed you’d already gone to bed and I didn’t want to disturb you, so, I slept in the spare room.’
I stare down at my feet. He’s lying to me. I know where he went, and he’s lying. Again.
I try not to let the mess of emotions swirling around inside of me take hold, but it’s hard. Almost too hard. And then I raise my head, I need to look at him now. ‘It’s happening again, isn’t it?’
He frowns, but then his expression changes, becomes colder. ‘No. Don’t do this, Ellie. Don’t go there.’
‘Where, Michael? Don’t go where? I mean, if you can’t see the signs …’
He gets up, sending his chair toppling backwards. ‘What fucking signs, Ellie? Jesus, are we really going over this again?’
‘Where did you go, when you went out last night? Where did you go? Did you go to her?’
He’s confused now, but there’s something there in his eyes, something he can’t hide.
‘To who? What the hell are you talking about?’
‘Did you go to her? To Ava …?’