by ML Roberts
I slump back against the wall, take a second to let what’s happened sink in before I go back inside. Relock the door. Before I call Liam. I need him now. I need him, to help make this better …
*
‘How did he find out?’
I’m sitting by the edge of the pool, looking down into the water, watching as the moonlight hits the surface, casting strange patterns up at the ceiling. I’m remembering that night. Remembering how it changed everything. I’m remembering what happened, in this room.
‘I don’t think that matters now, Ellie. Do you?’
‘He was so angry.’
‘He’d just found out his wife’s been spying on him, how else did you think he’d react?’
I turn my head to face Liam. He’s sitting with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up, drinking from a bottle of beer, his shirtsleeves rolled up to his elbows.
‘I can’t lose him, Liam.’
He throws back his head, closes his eyes and he sighs, a heavy, frustrated sigh. ‘It might already be too late, Ellie. You’ve killed any trust he might have had left in you. You were listening in to his calls, for Christ’s sake. Tracking his every fucking move, to him you’re this crazy person he doesn’t understand anymore.’
‘I’m not crazy.’
I turn away from him, look back into the water. I reach down and I trail my fingers through it, disturbing the patterns the moonlight’s still casting.
Another sigh from behind me, but I ignore it. I’m not crazy. I know something’s going on, I know my husband has a secret he isn’t willing to share. I know she’s still around, I just can’t prove it now. And that lack of control is unsettling me. I don’t like it.
Pulling my hand out of the water I realize I haven’t swam in this pool since that night. Before, we used to swim all the time. Me and Michael. It was a way of relaxing, for us. We loved having our own pool. Loved having sex in our own pool. But she destroyed all that. Our dream. Our fucking lives. She destroyed everything. That night destroyed everything.
I start to undress. I’m going to swim in my pool again. I’m going to do something I haven’t done since before that night, I think getting back in the water is something I need to do.
‘Ellie …?’
I turn to look at Liam, and I smile. ‘Are you going to join me?’
He hauls himself to his feet and comes over to me, pulling my naked body against his still-clothed one. ‘I might.’ He smiles back, and I laugh quietly. I let go of him and I back off towards the steps of the pool, lowering myself slowly down into the water. It’s a little colder than I first anticipated, and I shiver slightly as my skin breaks out in goosebumps, but the second I start swimming the only feeling I have is one of freedom. As I glide through the water it feels like everything I don’t want to think about is drifting away. I’m leaving it all behind, even if it’s only a temporary feeling.
I stop at the far end of the pool and I watch as Liam swims towards me, his strong, toned body cutting through the water far faster than mine. Dr Liam Kennedy. My drug of choice. A bad addiction I should never have gone back to.
You made me do it, Michael. You made me run to him. You, my father, and all men like you. You all did this …
‘I need to know, Liam.’
He stops in front of me, pushes his wet hair back off his face, his grey eyes staring deep into mine. ‘Don’t you know enough, Ellie?’
I shake my head and he drops a hand beneath the water, parting my legs, his thumb running gently over my inner thigh.
‘Then do what I told you to do in the first place. Hire a private detective.’
I frown slightly. ‘Won’t he be more aware than ever now? Of being watched?’
He leans in closer to me, and I gasp as his fingers start playing with me, his mouth dropping warm, damp kisses all over my shoulder. ‘So, hire a good one.’
‘Because I have so many in my address book.’
He pushes his fingers inside me, and I bite down on my lip as his eyes lock on mine. ‘I’ll help you. Find a good one.’
I think this may be my only choice now. Hiring someone else to watch my husband. Someone who can get me evidence. Proof. Photographs. Someone who’ll be able to follow him everywhere. Yes. I think I need to do this, Liam’s right.
‘Okay …’
His face breaks into a grin, and he thrusts his fingers deeper into me before he yanks them out, swings me around. He pulls me back against him before entering me from behind, his hands on my hips keeping me where he needs me to be.
With him.
For now.
But everything has to come to an end, sometime …
Chapter 38
‘Here.’ Liam slides a slip of paper towards me and I pick it up. I read the name and the number he’s written down. ‘Give him a call. Go talk to him.’
‘How did you find one so quickly?’
‘I’m good at seeking out the best. Of everything.’ I let a small shiver run down my spine as I remember last night. Sex in the pool. Once. Twice. Wrong but incredible sex. ‘If you’re going to do this, you need to hire someone with a good track record. This guy has one of the best.’
‘And you know that, how?’
‘I told you to trust me, Ellie. So, just do that. Okay?’
I look down at the piece of paper in my hand. ‘Do you think I should do this?’ I look back up at him, and he shrugs.
‘I’m not going to make that decision for you.’ He stands at the side of the table I’m sitting at outside on the spa’s Garden Room terrace, his hands in his pockets, his hair pushed back off his face. ‘But, if you’re hell bent on finding out the truth …’
‘All right. Maybe I will get in touch with him. See what he can do.’
It feels odd, that’s all. Handing the control over to someone else. But I have no other option now.
‘But, you know, if it was up to me …’
I look at him. ‘It’s not up to you, though. Is it?’
‘Just do whatever you have to do, Ellie. I need to get back to work.’
He starts to walk away. I’m not going after him. Instead, I look back down at the piece of paper in my hand. And then I feel him behind me, leaning over me; he hasn’t gone anywhere.
‘I forgot to say,’ he murmurs, his hands on my shoulders, his mouth so close to my ear I can feel his breath on my neck. ‘You look beautiful today.’
His fingers lightly brush the back of my neck as he pulls away from me and I turn my head to watch him walk away. He’s leaving now. My escape. And I look down at the piece of paper again. I pull out my phone and I tap in the number Liam wrote down for me.
This is what it’s come to, Michael.
I need to know, once and for all.
I can’t do this alone now.
Not anymore.
*
It’s hard, losing the control I once had. I want to call him – Michael. I want to speak to him, but Liam thinks that’s a bad idea. He thinks I should leave him alone, for a while. He thinks that’s best. But I’m struggling. I feel like I’m stumbling through every day, wondering what my husband’s doing. Who he’s with. That’s why I had to get in touch with Karl. The private investigator. I met with him this afternoon, gave him all the information he needed to keep track of Michael. And I’m not proud, that I’m stooping to levels I never thought I was capable of, but I’ve been pushed too far. I need to finish this now.
Liam sits down on the chair by the fire. He’s making himself at home, and I haven’t stopped him. I don’t want to be here alone, and Liam, he makes me feel safe.
‘What if I’m wrong?’
Liam looks up and he frowns. ‘Wrong? About what?’
‘About Michael.’
He drops his gaze. ‘You’re not wrong.’
It’s my turn to frown. ‘How do you know? Liam? How do you know?’
He doesn’t know. I can tell, the way he nervously drags his hand along the back of his neck, the way he doesn’t look a
t me. He knows as much as I do.
‘Don’t do that.’
This time he does look up, his eyes hard. Cold. ‘Do what?’
‘Lie to me. I’m surrounded by enough lies, I don’t need any more. Not from you.’
‘You’re not wrong, Ellie. About Michael.’
I shake my head, get up from the couch; I walk over to the window, folding my arms as I look outside, although there isn’t a lot to see. It’s dark. The only light out there is coming from the solar lights we have lining the driveway, and even they’re a little dimmer tonight.
I feel him come up behind me, feel his arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back against him but I keep my eyes fixed on the darkness outside.
‘It all adds up. What you’ve seen. The way he’s been acting …’
‘Don’t, Liam.’
He kisses the side of my neck and I shiver. I’m not in the mood for this, yet I don’t push him away.
‘He never deserved you, Ellie.’
I swing around, my eyes locking on his. ‘And you do?’
‘I won’t hurt you.’
‘Yeah, well, he made that promise too.’
I lower my eyes, but he tucks a finger under my chin, tilting my head back up. ‘I won’t break it.’
I shake my head again, knocking his hand away from my face. ‘Promises always get broken, Liam. Vows always get broken.’
‘Remember what I said, Ellie. We could leave all this behind. What I said before, I meant it. I can make this all go away, we can start again. You and me …’
‘Please, don’t do this. Don’t make this something it’s not.’
‘What happened, that almost killed you. Remember? She almost killed you, and Michael, he brought her to your door …’
‘It wasn’t his fault …’
‘She came to you because of him, Ellie. And he must’ve encouraged her, somehow, he must have given her some kind of sign …’
I push past him, walk away from him. I don’t want to listen to this.
‘How can you be so sure he wasn’t sleeping with her? That something hadn’t been going on?’
He wasn’t saying these things before, why is he saying them now?
I stop. I turn around and face him. ‘Michael told me nothing had gone on. He gave her no signs, he didn’t encourage her.’
‘And you believed him?’
I pause. Because I don’t know if I believe what Michael told me. I don’t know …
‘Do you believe him now?’
I back up against the wall, I’m too tired for this fight. ‘This is different.’
‘Is it? How? How is this different, Ellie? You have no idea what went on with this student and Michael before she showed up in your house acting all crazy. You know nothing, except what he told you.’
‘She wasn’t well, Liam.’
‘What if he’d just driven her to that point, huh? Do you ever think about that?’
‘He – he wouldn’t do that …’
‘Because you know him so well, right?’
‘Why are you doing this?’
‘Because I care about you. I love you, Ellie. Does he?’
‘He loves me.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
‘I’m not doing this …’
I start to walk away but he grabs my arm, pushes me back against the wall. ‘You know what he’s like, what he’s always been like. The way he piles on the charm, isn’t afraid to be tactile, the flirting …’
‘It’s all harmless, Liam. That’s just who he is.’
‘When that crazy bitch was kicking your baby out of you, was that harmless?’
‘That wasn’t his fault …’
‘She wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for him. She wouldn’t have been here, in your home.’
I feel tears start to stream down my face. He’s supposed to be the one keeping me safe, making me feel better, why is he doing this? Why is he hurting me?
‘Don’t, Liam, please …’
‘Let’s go, Ellie. Let’s get out of here, leave all this shit behind, what’s left for you here now, huh?’
I feel something shift inside me, a kind of reset, kicking me into action and I push him away. I walk out of the room and into the hall, I don’t need this crap.
‘My businesses are here, Liam. My life is here, I’m not walking away. I’m not doing what Michael chose to do, I’m not turning my back on everything …’
‘Michael isn’t here, Ellie. I am.’
I swing around to face him. I’m angry now, he isn’t being fair. ‘I don’t love you, Liam.’
‘Don’t you?’
I narrow my eyes, I stare at him as he comes closer. ‘No. I don’t.’
He leans in to me and kisses my open mouth before stepping back. ‘You need to face up to things, Ellie. You need to face up to the truth.’
I watch as he picks up his jacket from the rack by the door and strides out without looking back.
I need to face up to the truth.
If I knew what that was …
Chapter 39
‘You’ve seen him, haven’t you?’
I wait for Liam to answer me. I wait for him to lie to me, but I hope he won’t.
‘No, Ellie, I haven’t. But I have spoken to him.’
I turn away from him and look out of the window. It’s a grey day outside, weather to match my mood. ‘What did he say?’
‘We talked about football, a squash match we’ve got coming up …’
‘So, you will be seeing him, then?’ I turn around, my eyes locking on his. ‘At some point?’
‘Ellie, I don’t know. Okay? All of this, it feels like I’m losing him, too …’
I laugh, I can’t help it. ‘This was never about you, Liam. What the hell do you care if you never see him again, huh? You told me you resented him, that you’ve resented him for years, because he had me … You’re not his friend. You never were, not really, or you wouldn’t feel those things. You wouldn’t say those things. You wouldn’t want to take me from him …’
‘He doesn’t deserve you, Ellie.’
‘Did you tell him that? Did you tell him he didn’t deserve me? Did you tell him how you really feel, about me?’
‘Of course I fucking didn’t. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you?’
I laugh again. He really has to ask that? ‘Did he say anything, about me?’
Liam looks away. I don’t often come here, to his laboratories, but I was travelling through Newcastle, and I guess I needed to see him, even if all I’ve done since I got here is be defensive. Angry. I need someone to take my frustration out on, and Liam’s my go-to person for that.
‘He asked how you were. Asked me to make sure you’re all right.’
I turn my head to look back out of the window. Out at the rain starting to fall from that gunmetal-grey sky. I don’t know what to say. I’m not sleeping all that well, I’d rather lie awake and imagine what my husband’s doing. Where he is. Who he’s with. I’d rather torture myself than get the rest I need.
‘Why don’t I move in, Ellie. You shouldn’t be on your own …’
‘I’m not ill, Liam.’
I don’t like being alone in that house for too long, but I’m not sure I want Liam there permanently. It doesn’t feel right, it feels like I’m giving up. Like I’m accepting that Michael’s never coming back, and I can’t do that. I’ll never accept that. I can’t give up.
‘I don’t want you to move in. I’m fine.’
‘You hate being alone in that house.’
‘I’m not there that often.’
That’s true. I’ve started working later, avoiding going home until I have to. I even went out with Carmen and some of the girls from the spa a couple of nights ago, anything to keep me from going home too early.
‘Ellie? Look at me.’
He’s right beside me now. He’s almost touching me, and I hate that I feel a weakness hit me whenever he’s this near; the power he has ove
r me – how did I let that happen? How did I let him be this person, the one thing I need to keep me from completely falling apart?
‘Ellie?’
I slowly turn my head towards him, and I’m fighting it now. That power, that hold he has over me. I’m fighting it.
‘I should go. I’ve got a meeting in Durham in an hour.’
He grabs hold of my wrist, forcing me to stay where I am. ‘I used to watch him all the time, the way he’d act around other women, not caring that you were in the same room. That you could see what he was doing.’
‘He wasn’t doing anything, Liam. That’s just who Michael is, you know that …’
He bends down, lowers his mouth so it almost touches mine. ‘Open your eyes, Ellie. See what’s right in front of you.’
I shake my head. I try to tug my wrist free of his grip, but do I really want to leave?
My phone ringing suddenly distracts me, and I reach into my pocket, pull out my phone, and I look at the screen.
‘It’s Karl. I’m taking this.’
Liam lets go of me and I step away, holding my phone to my ear as I listen to what Karl has to tell me. And as he speaks I feel my heart start to race, my gut twist up into a knot.
I end the call and look over at Liam. He’s leaning back against his desk, his arms folded, his expression impassive.
‘He’s got something. He wants to meet me …’
Liam comes over, takes my hand, makes me look at him. ‘What does he have?’
‘He didn’t say. Just that – that it might be important.’
‘Are you meeting him now?’
I nod. And then I realize I need to call Carmen, tell her to take over the meeting we had planned for this afternoon. I won’t be able to make it. I need to meet Karl, I need to know what he’s got. What he’s found out.
‘Do you want me to come with you?’
Liam’s right there in front of me but it sounds like he’s miles away.
‘Ellie?’
My mind snaps back into focus, and I look at him. ‘Yes, I – I want you to come with me.’ I need him there. I don’t know what Karl’s going to show me, I just know that I want Liam there.
‘Okay. Come on, let’s go.’
This time it’s me who stops him from leaving. I grab his hand, make him stay where he is. ‘Liam, I … thank you. For being here. For listening to me.’