Then there was the fact that he was younger than me. It was a little bit weird, just because I knew him when he was a kid, but he definitely wasn’t a kid anymore.
I sat up and propped the pillows up behind me. Yeah, that electric hospital bed would come in pretty handy right now except for the fact that the mattress was as hard as a rock. As I settled back on the bed I noticed that it was a little cool in the room. Unfortunately, the thermostat was out in the hallway and there was no way in the world I was going out there to adjust it tonight so I got up and pulled the comforter and sheet back and crawled in. I snuggled down and Lucy crawled under and pressed up against my legs like a little hot water bottle. Things felt normal. Well, besides the fact that there was a half-naked man somewhere out there in my house.
I snatched my water and chugged some down. Oh, I had better watch my liquid intake; I didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom any time soon. I screwed the top back on and picked up my book, but I just couldn’t concentrate on it. I read the same paragraph three times before I realized I hadn’t absorbed a single thing. I was too busy listening for sounds from outside the door. I looked around for something else to occupy my time but nothing jumped out at me.
I threw back the covers and stood up; there had to be something in here that would give me some window into my recent past. I opened the closet but there were only clothes. I went over to the other bedside table. Aha! There were some books stacked in the bottom space. I pulled one out and saw that it was a scrapbook of some kind. I don’t do scrap booking, so I had already found foreign to me. The first page was a big picture of Carter. He was obviously laughing and I could see his teeth. He has nice teeth. I noticed that earlier. He must have had braces as a kid.
I started paging through, seeing pictures of me and of Carter in various poses and activities. There was one of us on a roller coaster. I was screaming with my eyes shut but Carter had his hands up, laughing. I felt a little tug in my chest. He and I had gone to an amusement park. I know I’m dorky like that, and I could never find anyone to do that kind of stuff with me, but apparently Carter didn’t mind it so much. He looked happy in the photo. He was smiling in every picture I had come across so far. I realized that he hadn’t been smiling much today and I could only assume it was my fault. Well, clearly it was my fault, but what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t going to fake some grand love. I was floundering enough as it was.
I shut the book, unable to look at the pictures anymore. I wished I had my laptop in here, at least then I could get online. I hadn’t watched any television since I woke up in the hospital yesterday. I couldn’t count the movie earlier since it was on a movie channel and they didn’t show news or anything like that. Things might be really different in today’s world.
Oh my phone! I could get online with it. I looked around before remembering that I had left it in the kitchen. I should go get it. What if I needed to make a call in the middle of the night? What if someone called me? I weighed the pros and cons of going out there. Really, the only con was that I would encounter Carter. That really wasn’t a con so much as me being a chicken and I needed my phone.
I looked at the clock. What? It was only seven fifteen! The time was crawling at a snail’s pace. There was no way I was going to be able to hole up in here for several more hours or until I got sleepy. Inspiration struck! I could go into my office. It was really just the tiny room across the hall, but I had put my desk and laptop in there. I could get online and I wouldn’t even have to venture out to the kitchen.
Lucy was still under the covers so I quietly went to the door and peeked out. The coast was clear; I didn’t even hear the TV, so I figured he must be in the kitchen. I was especially glad I decided against getting my phone as I walked across the hall and opened the office door. Double crap! He was sitting at a drafting table that I had never seen before. He looked up at me. At least he had his shirt on now.
“Everything okay?” His pencil had stopped moving while he fixed his gaze on me. I felt self-conscious in my baggy faded tee shirt but that only lasted for a moment before my eyes were drawn from him to the walls.
Shelves now hugged every visible wall surface, but that’s not what held my attention. The Star Wars dolls looking at me from every direction did that. I blinked to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating but they were still there when I opened my eyes. What the hell? There were probably a hundred or more dolls still in packages gazing down at me. Everywhere I turned there was more Star Wars memorabilia. I’m talking space ships and light sabers.
“What is this?” I gestured around the room.
“Rebel Base.” He smiled and looked over his shoulder.
The only thing that I could recognize was my desk, but even that looked different somehow. Oh my god. My mind went straight to those freaks that congregate at SciFi conventions. I had never been to his apartment so this new side of him took a moment to absorb. I threw him a glance over my shoulder and he was still beaming proudly. Geek!
“I was just going to get on the computer, but since you’re busy I’ll just go get my phone.” I turned to go but he jumped up off of the stool before I could duck out.
“Wait. You can get on the computer, you won’t be bothering me.” He walked over the desk and turned on a computer with a massive screen.
“What happened to my other computer?”
“It’s over there.” He pointed to a shelf above a life sized R2D2 where a laptop was sitting.
“This is mine, but it’s the main one we use.” I walked over to the desk and sat down. I would have preferred to be alone, but now I was trapped inside a Star Wars fanboy’s wet dream.
I decided to ignore the décor and focus on things that I could possibly deal with. “Can you tell me how to get to my website? I’d like to look at it a little closer.” He leaned over and typed in the address and it popped up quickly. It looked even better on this larger screen. “Thanks.”
He sat back down on his stool and rolled it next to me. I was engrossed in no time. It was something that I would have loved reading if I stumbled across it. I clicked on a link to a cooking segment and my kitchen was suddenly filled the screen. This was the coolest thing ever. The camera zoomed in on me as I spoke about fiery béchamel sauce, and the right way to make it. I realized right away why my clips went viral; my on camera persona was a vamp. It was a complete difference from my day to day behavior, but it was entertaining.
I switched to a clip where I was making a watermelon Italian ice and I laughed at my off-color joke about my melons. My chest swelled. I was good, even though it looked like my dress was painted on. I guess it was really true that sex sells. I finished that clip and went to the next. I sounded so knowledgeable about spicy minestrone. Anyone could make it after watching this, and hey, if people wanted to see me talking dirty to food, who was I to deny them? I didn’t realize how absorbed I was until I heard Carter speaking from next to me.
“You’re great, aren’t you? You should read the feedback on that episode. It was phenomenal.” He sounded so proud of me. He was smiling as he watched the video. My stomach flipped over. His smile made him look so beautiful that for a second I couldn’t breathe. I quickly turned my face back to the screen so that I didn’t get caught staring at him again.
“It’s awesome. I can’t believe it’s me.” We fell back into silence but I was acutely aware of him right beside me. He still smelled fresh from the shower. I decided to breathe with my mouth. I couldn’t chance any adverse reactions. That clip finished and I clicked open portabella stroganoff. Mmm. I was getting hungry now. Stroganoff sounded good.
“What’s the matter?”
“Huh?”
“Why are you breathing so loudly?” Oh shoot, I forgot I was breathing through my mouth like some Neanderthal. I quickly took a breath through my nose.
“I guess I was just getting excited about the stroganoff.” I tried to play off my panting but I didn’t think he was buying it. I could feel him looking at me and my face sta
rted flaming. Again.
“Are you hungry? It’s been hours since lunch.” I was starving, but I wasn’t going to admit it.
“I’m okay; I’ll probably make a sandwich in a little while.” My evil, treacherous stomach decided to growl right then.
“You stay here and relax; I’ll make us some sandwiches.” He was up and out the door before I could come up with an excuse for him not to. I felt I finally could relax with him and his aroma no longer next to me.
R2D2 was staring at me like he could read my mind so I clicked back to the blog page and started scanning the feedback from my readers. Well, I guess you could call them fans. Holy moly, I have fans! This was way cooler than someone sending compliments back to the kitchen through the server. But I couldn’t get a big head. I didn’t really know how to do this. My future self had fans. Me, not so much. I was still skimming down the page when Carter came back in with Lucy on his heels. He handed a plate to me. Cheese sandwich, chips and a napkin.
“Thank you.” I didn’t want to start scarfing down the food right away but I was really hungry. I grabbed a chip, and the crunch was thunderous in the small room so I made sure my lips were completely sealed before I continued to chew. Carter didn’t seem to mind. He sat down on the stool with his plate and started in on his food. Great, now I was self-conscious. I picked up my sandwich without looking at Carter and turned back to the computer. We ate in silence uninterrupted by any choking or spilling on my part. I considered that a success.
Lucy was begging at my knee so I pulled off a piece of cheese. She gobbled in down without chewing. I guess she gets it from me. She saw I had no more to give her and went to beg from Carter. Little traitor. Carter gave her the last bit of his sandwich, so I stood up to take the plates back to the kitchen.
“Are you finished with that?” I held out my hand for his plate and he handed it to me.
“Thanks honey.” Did he call me honey on purpose? Was I being too sensitive? I turned my head to him, waiting for him to say “sorry” or something but he didn’t. It was like he was challenging me to call him on it. We had an eyeball duel for a few seconds before I broke off, admitting to myself I wasn’t going to say anything. I fled the Star Wars museum and rinsed off the dishes half expecting Carter to follow me into the kitchen, but he never showed. The dishwasher had finished with the load so I emptied it. Still no Carter. I knew it was twisted to want him to follow me just so I could knock him back. Well, maybe not knock him back, just discourage him.
Maybe I was just perverse. He had been nothing but kind and supportive of me since the accident. It’s true that I didn’t remember being with him like that, but I would be lying to myself if I denied being curious. Sure, it now appeared he was a nerd thereby lessening his coolness, but that nerd could kiss.
There, I said it. The kiss earlier in the day had been awesome and no amount of blocking it out or pretending it never happened was going to change that. I wanted to kiss him again. Was it wrong to want to kiss him as this Justine as opposed to the one he’s involved with? Because this Justine didn’t have any qualms about seeing where this could go. That future Justine however was standing in my way. I wasn’t who Carter wanted to kiss, that was future Justine.
God, it was just too much to handle. Had it only been since yesterday that my whole world had been turned upside down?
My phone started ringing in my purse so I pulled it out and looked at the face staring back at me. I didn’t have a clue who it was. It said Elisa, but that didn’t help me at all. I held it until it stopped ringing and went to voicemail. It hit me again that I didn’t know what all I’ve missed. She might be my new best friend, though I didn’t think so. I thought about going and asking Carter, but for some reason I didn’t want to do that, either. Something about her gave me a funny feeling that I didn’t want to delve in too deeply. I just stuck the phone back in my bag and looked around the kitchen.
I imagined standing at the island and making my cooking videos. I went over to the refrigerator to read my recipes again. A second later I pressed my head to the freezer door and burst into tears. Obviously, the pressure was getting to me. Why couldn’t I remember? It wasn’t fair! I have this supposedly perfect life and I can’t even enjoy it. I don’t know how long I stood there crying before I felt arms coming around me.
“Juss,” he whispered into my ear. He turned me around and pulled me close. I started crying harder. He stroked my hair and all I wanted was to be with him.
I tipped my head up. “Kiss me, Carter.” He hesitated for only a second before he brought his head down to mine. I felt his lips and it was all over as far as I was concerned. I couldn’t get enough of him. His lips, his tongue, and god, his smell. I brought my hands up to pull his head closer to mine while he backed us against the refrigerator. I sucked his bottom lip into mouth and he groaned. I tasted his tongue and felt the heat of his mouth in mine.
I made a noise in the back of my throat and after a second he pulled back.
“Why are you stopping?” I panted out.
“This isn’t right.” He took my hands from the back of his head and placed them at my side.
I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
“Are you kidding me?” I could barely say the words out loud.
“No, I’m so sorry Justine, but you’re not ready for this. I wish to god you were, but…”
“But nothing,” I spat. “I can’t believe you. You’re in my face all day, but the minute I give you some encouragement you push me away.”
I shoved past him and ran back to my room but not before my tears started flowing again.
I had barely slammed the door behind me when it was thrust back open.
“Get out.”
“No. Listen, I would never forgive myself if...”
“Get out!” I felt the need to yell it this time since he hadn’t felt inclined to listen to me the first time.
“No,” he yelled back. “Do you think I wanted to stop? Hell no. I had to. You’re fragile right now. I won’t take advantage of this situation. I fucking love you. If you don’t know anything else right now, I want you to understand that.”
I didn’t want to cut him a break, but looking at his face I didn’t have any choice. He was hurting. I was scared and confused but I didn’t remember loving him, so I wasn’t hurting.
I stood there breathing heavily with tears running down my face. He moved closer and pulled me back into his arms.
“I love you.” He said the words gently this time and in that moment it was the only thing in the world that I knew for sure.
Chapter Nine
We stood there with Carter clutching me for several minutes. I couldn’t move. It wasn’t that he was holding me captive; it was that my legs refused to carry me away from him.
Finally, he loosened his hold and I took a step away from him. Hopefully, tonight my mind would reset and I would wake up tomorrow with everything in my world in its proper place.
“I’m going to go to bed now, Carter.” He looked down at me and I knew he wanted to say something but he remained silent. “Goodnight,” I told him after he made no move to leave.
“Goodnight, love.” He pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear but made no move to kiss me again. Hmph. He walked over to the bed and pulled off a pillow before going to the chest sitting under the window and taking out a blanket. He didn’t say anything else as he walked from the room, he didn’t even look back at me.
Oh man, I have completely lost my mind. I flopped on the bed with Lucy and moaned. I couldn’t believe that I demanded that he kiss me then yelled at him when he stopped. I grabbed my pillow and covered my head with it. I seek out ways to humiliate myself; it was the only explanation. Maybe I do have brain damage. They didn’t say for sure that I didn’t. Maybe the doctor would call tomorrow and insist that I return to the hospital for more testing.
I pulled the pillow off of my face. What a day. I guess I should say wha
t a weekend. It was unreal. “I have amnesia. I have amnesia. I have amnesia.” Nope, saying it a bunch of times in different ways didn’t make it feel any less bizarre.
I vowed that from this point on things were going to be different. The next time Carter saw me, he wouldn’t recognize the composed and together person I know has to be in me somewhere. Plus, I had to be hip for my fans. I was some kind of internet sensation these days. I might have some people who look up to me or something. It’s possible.
I wanted to brush my teeth, but too bad. I absolutely refused to leave this room again tonight. Lucy was already back under the covers. Luckily, she didn’t care if I acted idiotically. I didn’t have to pretend with her. I didn’t have to pretend with Cheryl either. I wanted to call her but since she just left a few hours ago I decided to suck it up and wait until tomorrow. Anyway, I wanted to talk about what had just happened with Carter. Regardless of how accepting she was about it, I couldn’t bring myself to speak with her about him. It was too strange. I could still remember the sixteen year old Carter coming to spend the weekend with us at our house and the two of us making fun of his Goth look. It was okay to laugh at him with her, but talking about kissing him was another matter.
I tried to superimpose the Goth Carter onto Super-Hot Carter but it was almost impossible. Super-Hot Carter was just too powerful, so much so that I could hardly believe they were the same person. That was good I guess. I didn’t feel as dirty if I couldn’t see him as a kid. My mind went back to the new office décor but I quickly shut it down. I couldn’t deal with that tonight.
I should go to sleep. Sitting up thinking about things was only making me more uptight. I would most likely be well by morning, sleeping in my own bed in my own house. I crawled under the covers for the second time tonight, but this time I was going to stay put. I closed my eyes and started counting sheep. After a few seconds of that I became angry. Who came up with that stupid idea? Watching sheep jump doesn’t do anything to help me sleep. I started to count puppies. Aww, they are so cute.
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