by Abby Cooper
22
A PROJECT
By Monday morning, not getting any cake was the least of my worries.
The first day back after winter break is always the worst thing ever. But on this Monday, not only did I wake up with the super-bummed ugh-I-have-to-wake-up-early-and-go-to-school feeling, I woke up with a funny feeling, too. Something felt off, like it had that day when Liam broke up with me. When I got to school, I noticed Jeg bouncing in, wearing about a dozen jangly beaded bracelets, her dumb one-fourth-of-a-peace-sign necklace, and an enormous smile on her face. She was probably just happy that she’d had a good party.
Really happy.
But then Liam came in with a big smile, too. And then they looked at each other, still grinning all goofy, and then Liam grabbed Jeg’s hand and held it all the way to her seat, where he let it go, then kept grinning stupidly all the way to his seat on the way other side of the room.
I really thought I was going to throw up, but somehow I didn’t. Which was very lucky, because I’d had rainbow sprinkles on my pancakes for breakfast and it would’ve been a very colorful, very embarrassing kind of vomit.
The room started buzzing, but I couldn’t hear or see or think. I couldn’t do anything. I overheard little bits and pieces. “Going out!” “Since the party!” “He’s liked her forever!” “So cool!” “Great couple!”
My face grew hotter and hotter. How could this happen? Liam was supposed to be getting back together with me, not going out with her! And she was supposed to be someone who sort of cared how I felt about things like that! Why had she invited me to her party if she didn’t?
I couldn’t look at either one of them for the rest of the day. I sat in the bathroom at lunch with my book because I couldn’t possibly face the two of them, all happy and stuff, parading around like they were the king and queen of England, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone else, either. I especially didn’t want to talk to Nice Andy and stare into his nice face and watch him eat his nice food and nicely tell me how cool and awesome I am even after I had abandoned him in Amsterdam. How cool and awesome could I possibly be if Liam would rather go out with Jeg than me? Even Mr. Todd’s announcement over the loudspeaker that he’d be making the Explorer Leader decision this week couldn’t cheer me up.
* * *
By nighttime, my face had changed from sort of getting gross to totally puffy and full of nasty I’ve-been-crying-forever eyeball gunk. Disgusting. Like even more disgusting than disgusting. Like, disgusting-looking people would be embarrassed if they saw me. They’d be disgusted, in fact.
DISGUSTING settled on my arm and made itself comfortable (and me miserable). Mom stuck my hands in oven mitts so I wouldn’t scratch and made me look at a zillion old pictures with her as a distraction. All it did was remind me that I’m older than I used to be and I should be having an awesome pre-teenagery life but instead I’m stuck spending my nights with my hands in oven mitts.
Seeing myself looking happy should have made me happy, but it didn’t. We looked at this whole photo album filled with pictures from my cupcake-themed ninth birthday party, which we’d had at a bakery. Everyone was dressed up. I’m in a sleeveless pink-and-purple-striped dress. My arms are draped around Jeg in picture after picture after picture, so you can’t see all the words on me, but you can see AWESOME, FUN, FUNNY, COOL, and the one I loved the most, FANTABULOUS. Jeg used to call me fantabulous all the time. In our world, it was the biggest compliment you could get. No one even cared how many compliments were on me, though. Or how many not-so-great words. They weren’t a big deal to any of us, not even to me. They were just there, like our birthmarks and freckles.
That birthday party was so fun. I mean, it was no Jeg party, but I had all my friends and all the cupcakes we could eat, and I was happy.
I kinda thought it would always be like that. Seeing the pictures just made me remember that that’s another thing I was wrong about.
It’s so weird, how one day you can feel on top of the world, and the next, that same world is crashing down in your face.
After Mom went to bed, I got up and went over to my desk. It seemed like as good a time as any to write my monthly letter to myself.
El,
Please tell me you’re reading this. I need to know that you survived, that you’re done with DISGUSTING, and maybe that the whole thing was a terrible dream because there’s no way Jeg and Liam would ever really go out with each other.
All of this doing stuff has been for nothing, basically. Doing stuff has been a good distraction from thinking, but it hasn’t really made my life better, and it hasn’t made me Explorer Leader yet. And it hasn’t stopped bad things from creeping into my brain and coming out on my body. So. I guess that’s that, then.
Goals:
• None. Why bother?
From,
January Girl
* * *
I put my notebook back on my desk, and that’s when I saw it.
In my house.
Well, technically it was peeking out of the smallest zipper compartment of my backpack. But my backpack was in my house. In my room. Hanging off my desk chair.
Which meant that someone had been in my backpack.
How was this possible? And when and where had it happened?
But, of course, there was a more urgent question on my mind: What the heck was this blue note going to say?
Elyse,
“There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”
(I can’t take credit for that. Shakespeare came up with it. Pretty smart guy, wasn’t he?)
For whatever reason, today was hard for you, but try not to think anything bad about yourself. Just be.
Tomorrow will be better.
Hmm. I folded the paper up and zipped it safely into the compartment it came from.
That was surprisingly nice of my mystery person. No tough jobs today, just some friendly advice. Despite everything, it was good to know that there was one person still in my corner.
* * *
I tugged at my sleeves, pulling them all the way down so my thumbs fit through the holes designed specifically for them. For some reason, there were always more words on my arms during the winter, so many that my arms didn’t have room for them and they’d travel down to my hands. Mittens looked a little awkward indoors, but crazy long-sleeved shirts didn’t. In fact, they were sort of stylish this season, according to Gurly magazine. So that was a relief. I glanced over at the puzzle in the waiting room. Maybe, if I went over there and worked really fast—
“Elyse Everett?”
Darn.
Mom and I dashed into the office and got settled in our usual chairs as Dr. Patel came in.
“How’s it going today?” He smiled.
Mom and I exchanged a look.
“Not great,” I said. “Shocker, right?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Show me.”
I pushed up my pants and my sleeves. There were a couple of good words still there from my quick chat with Jeg’s mom, but they had mostly faded and you had to squint really hard to see them. The bad words were the boss again.
“Hmm.” Dr. Patel scratched his beard. “So last time you were here, you were contemplating whether to participate in that talent show. I take it that didn’t go well?”
“No, it did!” Mom said. “She performed wonderfully.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I did.”
“Great to hear,” he said. “Then what’s going on with all of this?”
I looked down at my shoes. I didn’t really want to explain to my old guy doctor that this was all because of a boy and a bad friend. So embarrassing.
“There’ve been some social struggles,” Mom said like she was an expert on everything that was happening. I did my very best to be nice and not roll my eyes.
“Hmm,” Dr. Patel said again, looking me up and down. “And all of these negative words, have they been from the mouths of others? Or from up here?” He tapped on his forehead with
his pen.
“Um … they might be from that area. Mostly.”
He and Mom both looked at me like they felt sorry for me, and I wished that I could disappear right then and there. Those looks weren’t making anything better, that was for sure.
“Maybe if you focus on something else,” Dr. Patel suggested. “A project of some kind. Something to take your mind off whatever issues you’re having with your friends.”
“You still don’t know for sure about Explorer Leader,” Mom added. “It’s a very special honor at her school,” she told Dr. Patel. “She finds out sometime this week. And if you don’t get it, Elyse, you’ll be on the committee. You’ll still be an important helper. I really think you’ll get the job, though, despite how you doubt yourself so much.”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I don’t think Mr. Todd thinks I’m the best person for it.” It was true. He didn’t think I could grab the horns on the bull or however that saying went. He told me himself.
But, I remembered, there was still the hope that my activity—or the note writer or both—could change Mr. Todd’s mind. Yeah. And then I’d be the most popular person in sixth grade, and I’d feel amazing, too.
I smiled a little. That could really happen. It could all work out dandier than a dandelion.
“I guess I don’t know for sure,” I added. “It could be me. And if it’s not, being on the committee would be cool, too.”
They both nodded and smiled at me like I was such a good little girl for agreeing with them. But I had something else in mind, a slightly different, better kind of project that was slowly becoming an actual plan.
I was finally going to do something to figure out who wrote the notes, and get him or her to hurry the high heels up and talk to Mr. Todd. And I was going to do it soon.
“Great appointment, guys,” I said, pushing my sleeves and pant legs down. “Ready to go, Mom?”
“I guess so. Unless there’s any additional information we need or any new developments you want to tell us about—creams, advances, anything…”
Dr. Patel shook his head. “Not today, I’m afraid.”
I looked him right in the eye. “But maybe another day?”
He patted my leg. “Maybe another day,” he said. “Maybe another day.”
23
CRAZY BOMBS
I walked into school the next day with a mission. Instead of grabbing my books from my locker and heading straight to class like normal, I made sure to keep an eye out for suspicious activity. I scoured the floor for blue papers and peered into every eyeball, looking for ones that seemed guilty. But this was only part one.
When I finally made it to class, I was quick to take my notebooks and pencils out and pull my sleeves down as far as humanly possible so that no one could see WORTHLESS and TOTAL LOSER on my wrists. Then I got down to business. Maybe the note writer was someone in this class—but no one was writing on blue paper. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“Elyse, Mr. Todd wants to see you,” Ms. Sigafiss said.
Everyone went “Oooooh” and turned around to look at me, and I knew my face had turned the color of a strawberry.
I gathered all my stuff, dropping like five hundred things in the process, and I didn’t even have five hundred things with me.
“Oooooh,” everyone went again. Awesome.
KLUTZ bumped onto my right elbow and pinched me like a bug bite. If only there was a special bug spray I could wear to protect me from these words.
I scurried out of the room, down the hall, and into Mr. Todd’s office. I nearly collapsed on the blue couch, tired from being pinched and tired in general.
But also a little excited. Was this the moment I had been waiting for?
“Feeling blue?” he asked in a quiet voice.
“No,” I said.
LIAR. Ugh.
He eyed me suspiciously, like he could see the word through my sleeve and knew how badly I wanted to scratch it. Didn’t he have any important principal-ing things to tend to? There had to be some kid doing something bad somewhere in the building, but here he was, trying to get me to admit I felt blue.
“Well, even if you are feeling blue, or even blue-ish”—he eyed me again—“I think I have some news that’s going to brighten your day.”
Now I was interested. Very interested. I sat up straight, showing him just how non-blue I was. Blue people were usually slouchy people, after all.
“I’ve noticed that lately you’ve been a little more…” He paused, leaning back in his big black chair and scratching his hairy chin. “Proactive than usual. I was really impressed with your performance in the fund-raising show, and it seems that since then, you’ve been extremely engaged socially with your peers and with the greater community.”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s nice that someone noticed!”
“I was also extremely impressed by the activity idea you turned in. It was thorough, well-researched, and relevant to the type of trip we’re trying to plan. With all of this in mind, I can tell that you want to be Explorer Leader, and I think you’d be a very good one.”
I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
“Wait.” I leaned forward, almost falling off the blue couch. Such a klutz. My face felt red, but in a super-duper, crazy-happy-excited kind of way. “Are you serious? You want to make me the Explorer Leader? Me, Elyse Everett. Really?”
He smiled. “Is that a problem?”
“No! No!” Now I had fallen off the couch. KLUTZ got bigger and itchier, but I was more focused on the amazing sensation of WINNER growing on my left knee. “That is so not a problem. I can do that. I can definitely do that.”
“Glad to hear it.” He got up. “I’ll be in touch about your responsibilities, but know that it’s going to be a lot of work. I’m going to depend on you to plan activities and meals, but there’s plenty of time for you and the committee to work together before February. Here are some things you might find helpful—a basic outline of the schedule, some articles on leadership, and useful e-mail addresses and phone numbers.” He handed me a ginormous stack of papers. “Oh—and one more thing before you go. Look, I want you to know that I have a lot more hair than most people.” He motioned to the furry arms that stuck out of his short-sleeved shirt. The Loud Crowd could make thousands of little French braids out of all that hair.
“Uh, that’s nice.”
What is a person supposed to say to that?
He looked at me like he was trying to tell me something really important, but it’s hard to concentrate on important things when you want to squeal your brains out.
“It’s not particularly nice, Elyse. It’s often embarrassing. I could do something to remove it, but that would require a lot of time and energy. So instead, I’m okay with it. This is who I am. I’m a man who has more hair than most. So be it.”
“Um, yes,” I said, my heart racing because I really wanted to get out of there and go tell everyone my news. “So be it.” I tapped my foot and bounced up and down in my seat. Set me free, you hairy, hairy man!
“Well,” he said, staring at me with his teeny eyeballs. “I suppose that’s it. We’ll talk soon. Have a nice rest of your day.”
I skipped out of his office all the way down the hall. I was going to be Explorer Leader! This was happening! It didn’t even seem real, but it was. It really, really was. This was my life. My fabulous, wonderful life.
With each step I took, I felt happier and lighter as my awful words disappeared, then even more amazing as they were replaced with words like COOL and AWESOME and BEST. Only the coolest and most awesome and best person was picked for something like this. And I was that person! It was already having the effect I wanted, and no one else even knew about it yet, which meant it could only get better from here.
I walked slowly down the hall where the Explorer Leader posters had been placed after the show. The one with the giant question mark in the face wasn’t a question anymore. It had an answer, and that answer was me
. Me!
I opened Ms. Sigafiss’s door slowly and tried to sneak back in without distracting people too much. But it was hard. I was about to burst. This was the kind of thing that needed to be shouted from the rooftops, or at least announced to the whole class.
“Do you want to tell us why Mr. Todd wanted to see you, Ms. Everett?”
Ms. Sigafiss’s voice made me jump. I wasn’t sure if it was because she was talking to me or if it was because she was actually using a nice, friendly voice when there weren’t any parents in the room. It was almost too nice of a voice. Was this a trap? And how did she know I’d want to share what Mr. Todd told me?
Maybe he told the teachers before he told me. That must be it. But it didn’t really matter, because here was my chance to shout it from the back of the classroom, and I was certainly not going to waste it.
“Um,” I said, probably blushing as everyone’s eyes turned toward me. “He told me that … that … I’m the Explorer Leader.”
For a second the whole room went silent. I realized after I said it that some people might be mad. Snotty Ami, for one. And maybe even Nice Andy. They had both wanted it bad, too.
I was wrong about Nice Andy, of course. After the silence ended, he and Olivia leaped out of their chairs and gave me great big tackle hugs.
“Explorer Leader Elyse!” Kevin yelled, jumping out of his chair and clapping like crazy. Soon a bunch of other people joined in, too. I laughed a little. People cared a lot more about making a scene than celebrating me, but it was still pretty cool. Really cool.
I glanced over at Jeg and Liam, and they were looking at each other—gross—but they were clapping, too. A big I-love-everybody feeling came over me, and I wanted to give everyone a huge hug, except for those two. Okay, and except for Snotty Ami and Paige and Lindsey and the rest of the Loud Crowd, and except for Ms. Sigafiss. But otherwise, everybody.
“Stop it!” Ms. Sigafiss shouted. The room was getting really loud and rowdy. “Stop it right now. This level of noise is unacceptable.”
“Yeah, stop it,” Snotty Ami echoed as the room quieted down a little. “It’s totes not a big deal.”