“And as far as my being too busy to devote enough time to my baby, I plan to…No, damn you, Andrew Malone, I have no intention of justifying to you my decision to adopt that baby. He’s mine. My son. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
Andrew straightened from his bent-over position on the bed, feeling as though he’d been kicked in the gut. A chill coursed through him, and his voice was raspy when he spoke again.
“No, it doesn’t, does it?” he said. “This has nothing at all to do with me. I’m just the guy you sleep with when I happen to be in town. I’m not really involved with you, let alone with your…your son. You’re right. I’m out of line.
“But this ends it between us, Kara. I can’t see you anymore as your lover. As one of the MacAllisters? Yeah, I suppose we’ll bump into each other, play a little touch football—what the heck, huh? I…I’ve got to go. I hope you and your…son will be very happy together. He’s a neat little guy.”
“Andrew?” Kara said, a frantic edge to her voice. “Wait. Can’t we discuss this calmly, rationally? Andrew, please, I—”
“There’s nothing more to say.”
Andrew strode from the room, and Kara covered her mouth with trembling hands to stifle the sob that threatened to escape from her throat. A few minutes later she cringed as she heard the apartment door slam behind an exiting Andrew.
She sank back against the pillow and gave way to her tears, feeling as though her heart was splintering into a million pieces that could never be put back together again.
Chapter 16
Andrew rolled onto his back on the bed in his hotel room, swearing viciously as the sheets wrapped around him. He yanked free of the clinging material, then sighed wearily.
A quick glance at the clock told him it was nearly 3 a.m., and he had not been able to doze, let alone fall into a deep restorative sleep, since he’d gone to bed hours before.
The raging voices in his mind were tormenting him, forcing him to relive the scene with Kara earlier that night over and over.
You’re intentionally creating a situation where that boy will grow up without a father, because you want to be a mother?
That’s selfish, Kara. It’s selfish and wrong. Selfish and wrong. Selfish…selfish…selfish…
I’m going to love him with all my heart, be the best mother I can possibly be.
Selfish…selfish…
He deserves a mother and a father.
My son will have plenty of father figures in his life, who will be there for him when he needs a man’s touch and wisdom and advice.
He’s mine. My son. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Nothing to do with you. Nothing…nothing…nothing…
Andrew groaned, closed his eyes for a long moment, then opened them again to stare into the darkness.
A nightmare, he thought. The horrendous argument with Kara over her adoption of that baby had been a living nightmare. He’d been cruel, had flung harsh words at Kara like punishing blows.
He’d made her cry.
The tears had been shimmering in her beautiful eyes as he’d left the bedroom. He’d made the only woman he’d ever loved cry.
Then he’d walked out of her apartment and her life forever, having told her that he couldn’t, wouldn’t, remain her lover, that it was over between them.
“Because she’s going to adopt that baby?” Andrew said aloud. “Because she intends to provide a home for a child who had no one to love him, no chance of a decent future, of being a happy little boy?”
Selfish…selfish…
Ah, damn it, he was so confused. As that scene in Kara’s bedroom replayed relentlessly in his mind, it was as though he was watching a stranger who had taken possession of his body. Someone he didn’t know, who had stood in judgment of Kara and found her guilty of a terrible wrong. A man who had cut Kara to the quick with his biting and cruel accusations.
Selfish…selfish…
Something wasn’t right here, Andrew thought, franticness edging its dark cold tentacles around him. He’d made it sound as though being raised by a single mother, by Sally Malone, had resulted in him having a miserable childhood.
And that just wasn’t true.
Yeah, sure, there had been times when he was very young that he’d envied his friends who had fathers. But in the big picture he had been happy as a child because he’d had a mother who loved him unconditionally.
Where in hell had his sudden and angry reaction to Kara’s news come from?
He didn’t know. He just didn’t know.
Somewhere within his subconscious, he supposed, had been buried pain that he hadn’t been aware of, a deep-seated festering resentment that he had not had a father.
How could that be possible? Sally had been a wonderful mother. No, they hadn’t had a lot materially, but he’d sure as hell had what counted. Love. The kind of love Kara would give that baby in the nursery.
God, none of this made sense. What had transpired in Kara’s bedroom was confusing and terribly unsettling because he couldn’t get a handle on why it had happened.
All that he was certain of was that what he had shared with Kara, every memory-making moment, was over, done, finished.
He’d destroyed what they’d had together, and heaven help him, he didn’t even know why he’d done it. That baby was going to have a fantastic mother in Kara MacAllister and be welcomed with warm embraces into the huge MacAllister family.
That little guy was truly blessed.
Selfish…selfish…
There they were again, Andrew thought, closing his eyes. The anger. The accusations. The judgment passed, the verdict guilty.
And it all stood between him and Kara like a solid impenetrable wall. He’d lost Kara due to beliefs he hadn’t even known he possessed on an issue of vital importance in their relationship.
Oh, yeah, he was most definitely in a stranger’s body, thinking a stranger’s thoughts, had uttered the words of a bitter and vindictive man he didn’t even know existed within him.
Selfish…selfish…
Andrew pressed the heels of his hands against his throbbing temples, attempting to quiet the haunting voice in his mind. But it refused to be exorcised.
As the dim light of dawn began to creep beneath the draperies, Andrew flung back the rumpled sheets on the bed, having not slept at all. He strode toward the bathroom, the harsh taunting voice following him into the shower.
Late that afternoon Andrew sat in a recliner next to the one where Robert MacAllister was sitting in the living room of Margaret and Robert’s large home.
Andrew had telephoned them after having breakfast in the hotel coffee shop, and it was agreed that he would visit at ten o’clock.
He had been nervous when he’d pressed the doorbell, then was greeted by Margaret. Within minutes of settling in he’d begun to relax.
The conversation with Robert, his father, had flowed easily, going from one topic to the next. They’d touched briefly on the subject of Clara, what she had done that long-ago summer and what had resulted because of it. But they hadn’t lingered there because there was no point in rehashing the past, what could never be changed.
Andrew and Robert had discussed MacAllister Architects and Malone Construction, marveling at the fact that Andrew had built more than one structure following plans drawn up by MacAllisters.
In the early afternoon Margaret had appeared in the room carrying a tray holding lunch. Robert wrinkled his nose at his offering, then smiled at his wife as she narrowed her eyes, daring him to complain.
“It looks delicious, dear,” Robert said.
“No, it doesn’t,” Margaret said. “But those are the breaks, dear. Eat it and like it.”
Robert had shot Andrew a dark glare when he’d chuckled, causing Andrew to lose control and laugh uncontrollably. Robert and Margaret were caught up in the infectious sound, and soon they were all laughing, at ease with each other, glad that they were together.
Now in the late
afternoon Andrew could feel his previous night’s loss of sleep catching up with him. The chair he was sitting in was too comfortable, made to entice a person to sink deep within it and take a nap.
“I really should be going,” he said. “I don’t want to tire you out, Robert. I’m sure they have rules about your recuperation.”
“They have rules about everything,” Robert said dryly. “I have to raise my hand and humbly request that I be allowed to visit the rest room.”
Andrew smiled. “That’s stretching it a bit.”
“True,” Robert said, smiling. “But as long as I’m griping, I might as well throw everything in the stew that I can think of, farfetched and all.”
“Go for it,” Andrew said. “Although I wouldn’t recommend laying it on Margaret.”
“Are you kidding?” Robert said, raising his eyebrows. “My ticker might be under par, but there’s nothing wrong with my brain. I like living.” He paused and became serious. “This whole situation has shown me just how very blessed I am to be surrounded by the family I have, and also how grateful I am to be alive. Oh, yes, Andrew, I do, indeed, like living.”
Margaret came into the room carrying a pad of paper and a pen.
“And there’s the most important reason why,” Robert said quietly, gazing warmly at his wife.
“Why what?” Margaret said, sitting down in an easy chair.
“Man talk, my sweet,” Robert said. “What are you up to over there? You’re obviously making one of your ever-famous lists.”
“My lists, which I endure such kidding about,” Margaret said, lifting her chin, “have kept order in the midst of what might have been chaos for many years, Mr. MacAllister.”
“Indeed they have, Mrs. MacAllister,” Robert said, nodding. “So, what’s this tome pertaining to?”
“Kara,” Margaret said, “and her new baby boy.”
Andrew stiffened, feeling every muscle in his tired body tighten nearly to the point of pain.
“And?” Robert said.
“I just spoke with Kara on the telephone,” Margaret said, “to be certain this plan was all right with her. There was a chance, you know, that she wished to buy all new baby furniture and who knows what else for her son.
“But she was delighted with what I told her, especially since her plans for her medical practice will result in her having less income.”
“So what’s the mystery plan that Kara agreed to?” Robert said.
Margaret consulted the list. “Well, let’s see. Jillian and Forrest have a crib and changing table that Kara can have. Jennifer and Michael are sure there are a playpen and a high chair somewhere in their garage, and they’ll find them and scrub them. Ryan and Deedee still have a baby swing that isn’t being used…and on it goes.”
“Sounds like our new mother is in business.” Robert slid a glance at Andrew. “You do know about Kara’s son, don’t you, Andrew?”
Andrew nodded, but didn’t comment. “Margaret, back up here,” Robert said. “Why is Kara going to have less income? I think I missed something that’s in the works.”
“Well,” Margaret said, settling more comfortably in her chair, “for the adoption proceedings Kara had a home study done by a social worker and…Anyway, she was giving serious thought to how she could be a doctor and a single mother, without either role compromising the other.”
“It can’t be done.” Andrew frowned, immediately furious at drawing attention to himself on the subject of Kara and her baby.
Margaret looked at him. “You don’t believe that a woman can have a child and a career, Andrew?”
“There are just so many hours in the day,” he said. “You also left out a couple of adjectives. Kara is a single woman, who has a very demanding career.” He paused. “This is none of my business, really.”
“Isn’t it?” Margaret said, looking at him intently. “I got the impression that Kara’s adopting this baby would be very much your…business, as you say.”
“No,” he said quietly. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. “It has…it has nothing to do with me.”
“I see,” Margaret said slowly.
“So?” Robert said. “Finish your story, Margaret. Kara will have less income in the future because…?”
“Oh. She has a doctor friend who is divorced and raising two children alone. Kara knew that the woman was becoming very frustrated by her lack of time to accomplish everything that needed doing, both professionally and personally.
“Kara approached her with the idea of joining her medical practice. They would both have more free time, albeit less money, but it would make it possible to fulfill both their roles.
“It was understood that if Kara’s petition to adopt was denied, then that was that. But if she was approved to adopt the baby, the other woman assured her that she would jump at a chance to do what Kara proposed. Isn’t that splendid? Our Kara is so brilliant.”
Yes, she is, Andrew thought. It was a dynamite idea. The baby was going to get equal billing with Kara’s medical practice. Granted, Kara’s income would diminish, but the way the MacAllisters were rallying around, she would reap the benefits of good old-fashioned hand-me-downs, including everything from equipment for the nursery and probably to clothes and toys.
“Don’t you agree, Andrew?” Margaret said. “This is a solid, well-thought-out plan that Kara has, and it should proceed very well.”
“What?” Andrew said, as he was pulled from his thoughts. “Oh, yes, it sounds great. Very good. Fine. I guess the only thing that baby will be lacking is a father.”
“Whoa there on that one,” Robert said, smiling. “That munchkin is now a MacAllister, remember? Our boys are probably already squabbling about who gets to teach Kara’s son how to throw a baseball.
“I might put my money on Forrest for that. He’ll claim he’s the most eligible because he has three daughters, none of whom are the least bit interested at this point in their lives in learning the finer points of tossing a ball into a mitt.”
“No, I’d have to put my money on Richard,” Margaret said. “He doesn’t have any children at all. He’d plead his case based on that.”
“You’ve got a point there,” Robert said, nodding.
“This is silly,” Margaret said, laughing. “We’ve got Kara’s son playing baseball, and the sweetie pie is only a few weeks old. Kara said the baby has to get up to five pounds before they’ll release him from the hospital. He’s almost there.
“The boys will help Kara set up the nursery within the next few days so that she’s all set when the baby can come home. I’ll be talking to our girls about a baby-sitting schedule until the woman joining Kara’s practice can give her notice where she’s on staff at a San Francisco hospital and move down here.
“After that, Kara can decide whether she wants to trade with the others for baby-sitting time when she is working or bring in someone from the outside. All in all, things are very organized and should go very smoothly.”
“Yep,” Robert said. “Does this newest MacAllister have a name yet?”
“Well, Kara said that his middle name will be Ralph, after her father,” Margaret said. “But she hasn’t settled on a first name yet.” She laughed. “It’s certainly a good thing that too much love isn’t hazardous to health. That baby is going to be so loved by so many people.”
“Of course,” Robert said. “He’s a MacAllister.”
Selfish…selfish…wrong…wrong…selfish…selfish…
The haunting words echoed once again in Andrew’s mind, and he shifted uncomfortably in the chair, realizing that he had nowhere to put them, nowhere to make them stick. Kara’s son would, just as she had said, have more than enough male influence in his life.
But yet…
There was a dark shadow hovering over him, Andrew thought. A sense of confusion and doubt, of not having a firm grip on what was still disturbing him regarding Kara’s plans to adopt the baby. The stranger who had emerged from within him remained powerful
and forbidding.
Ah, damn, he was driving himself nuts again, plagued by a whole new set of questions with no answers.
He was tired. Just too tired to tackle this maze. Something definitely wasn’t right, wasn’t clicking, but he was far too weary to figure out what it was.
Andrew pushed himself to his feet.
“This has been a terrific day,” he said, “and I thank you for the warm reception and the delicious lunch, but I’d better shove off.”
“You’re more than welcome to stay for dinner, Andrew,” Margaret said.
“No. No, thank you,” he said. “I brought a briefcase full of paperwork with me that I have to tend to tonight.” Liar. “I’ll speak with you tomorrow, regarding my coming by again, if that’s all right.”
“It’s more than all right,” Margaret said, getting to her feet. “We’ll be counting on it. I’ll see you to the door, Andrew.”
“No,” Robert said. “You don’t always escort any of our other sons to the door when they leave, Margaret. It depends on what you’re doing at the time. Andrew isn’t a guest here. He’s a member of the family, who knows where the front door is.” He shifted his attention to Andrew. “Thank you for today…son.”
Andrew met his father’s gaze for a long warming moment, then finally nodded. He turned and left the room, closing the front door behind him with a quiet click.
Late that night Kara sat in the rocking chair in the hospital nursery holding her baby, who was sleeping peacefully in her arms.
“Dream of rainbows, my precious,” she said softly, “and ice-cream cones, fluffy kittens and bright red bouncing balls. Oh, I love you so much. You’re mine now. My son. And I’m your mommy. We’re going to have a wonderful life together.”
Selfish…selfish…wrong…wrong…wrong…
Kara leaned her head against the high back of the chair, closing her eyes with a weary sigh as she continued to rock back and forth.
How strange, she thought. It was actually possible for a person to be filled with immeasurable joy in one arena of her life, while being shattered, empty and incredibly sad in another.
A chill swept through her as she once again replayed in her mind the final scene in her bedroom with Andrew.
The Baby Bet: His Secret Son (The Baby Bet #5) Page 20