‘Sorry, what was that?’ She’d completely missed something Wendy had been saying.
‘I read in the paper that other hospitals are joining St Piran’s to donate old equipment and drugs and things. Isn’t that marvellous?’
‘It certainly is.’
‘Dengue fever.’ Miriam was frowning thoughtfully. ‘That’s what you got sick with, wasn’t it?’
‘I’m much better now.’
‘You look it. Must be the lovely sea air around here that’s done the trick.’
‘Mmm...’ But Megan was having trouble focusing on her health or anything else right now. She was still watching Josh and remembering another time when she had read that kind of infinite love on his face. Way before Brenna had been born. Before he’d even known she was a possibility.
That love, seen in the half-light of that on-call room, had been purely for her.
And Josh would have seen the mirror image of it on her own face.
She could feel the glow of it all over again. So much so she needed to take off the cherry-red cardigan she had on over the soft white shirt she had teamed with her jeans. Had Josh sensed something of what she was thinking? Was that why he was suddenly there, his hand extended?
‘Let me take that for you. I can hang it up with the coats.’
‘Yes...’ Wendy was nodding with satisfaction. ‘You’ve got a nice bit of colour in your cheeks now, dear.’
Megan could certainly feel that colour, which must have heightened as Josh’s hand brushed hers in relieving her of the cardigan. Feeling flustered, she avoided meeting his gaze, but that didn’t help because she found herself looking at his hand. Holding an item of her clothing.
Oh, help... She had to excuse herself.
‘I might see if your mum needs some help in the kitchen,’ she muttered.
‘See?’ Josh had raised an eyebrow. His lazy grin was charming every female within range. ‘I told you she was an angel. You could just enjoy yourself, Megan. You don’t have to work, you know.’
Megan shook her head with a smile. It must be time to serve the party food and it was just too disturbing, being this close to Josh and remembering things like that moment in the on-call room. Feeling things like the way that had made her feel.
Something huge had certainly changed but was it only on her side?
She was only half the equation here.
Josh had built his own foundation to anchor the barrier of them ever being together. The concrete had been poured the day he’d come to tell her that Rebecca was pregnant. Megan had probably added some steel reinforcing rods herself when she’d walked out without even having the courtesy of attending Rebecca’s funeral.
He must have been so hurt by that. The subtle edge to that “angel” comment he’d made suggested that it hadn’t been buried far below the surface. And maybe it had just added to the anger simmering in the wake of her accusation that he’d been lying about his marriage being over. That he’d treated her like a bit on the side.
Could he ever forgive her for that?
He’d said he didn’t hate her.
That he could never hate her.
And, when he’d said that, he’d looked...as if he’d wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them and kiss her senseless.
There was still something there between them, that much was obvious.
A big something.
But was it big enough? Could it be trusted? Did she even want to find out? Or would she end up back at square one, the way she already had when it came to Josh O’Hara?
Twice, in fact.
There had to be a limit on how many times you could go through that kind of emotional trauma and still survive.
The sensible thing to do would be to run. As fast and as far away as she possibly could.
* * *
Josh watched Megan making her way into the kitchen. The room instantly felt emptier without her which was ridiculous given the number of people milling about.
Not to mention a very large dog. Crash was being extraordinarily patient with all the small people who wanted to stroke his nose or try to climb onto his back but Luke was hovering nearby.
‘Might be time we took off,’ he said to Josh. ‘I suspect all the Davenports are ready for a blast of fresh air on the beach. If we stay much longer, all these kids are going to start feeding treats to Crash and the consequences won’t be pretty.’
Josh grinned. ‘Fair enough. Thanks for bringing him.’
The noise level was rising steadily around them, with Shannon staging quite a spectacular tantrum, lying on her back and drumming her heels on the floor. Josh and Luke shared a grimace. ‘No wonder you want to escape,’ Josh muttered. ‘It’s enough to put you right off having kids, huh?’
But Luke just smiled. ‘Bit late for that,’ he murmured.
Josh opened his mouth but was too stunned for any word to emerge. And then it was too late. Small hands were tugging on his trouser leg.
‘Daddy...up.’
Claire appeared in the doorway as Josh scooped Brenna into his arms.
‘Who’s hungry?’ she called above the noise. ‘And who needs some juice?’
Shannon stopped shrieking but the noise level didn’t diminish as the tribe of excited, hungry children flowed past Josh towards the kitchen. Luke and Anna used the exodus as a means to slip away with Crash, and Josh watched them go, still somewhat dazed by their apparent news.
It seemed like whichever way he turned, things were changing around him on an almost daily basis. And they had been, ever since the disruption of his mother getting sick.
Ever since Megan’s unexpected return?
That she was here in Penhally at all was surprising but the fact that she was still here at this party was startling enough to signify an even bigger change.
‘Here...’ Claire put a glass of sparkling wine in his hands as soon as he walked into the kitchen. ‘Give that to Megan.’
‘I’m not sure she’ll want to stay long enough for a drink.’
His mother made a sound that Josh recognised from his childhood. He needed to do what he was told. With a wry smile he headed for Megan, fully expecting her to reject the offer. She hadn’t wanted to come to this party at all and he couldn’t blame her for that. Josh had expected her to drop in only long enough to be polite. To have a cup of tea and say happy birthday to the twins and then find an excuse to slip away from the chaos, like Luke and Anna had done.
But Megan looked more than happy to accept. Her smile was instant. Brief, but happy enough to light up her face.
‘What a lovely idea. Thanks, Josh.’
‘You’re welcome.’ The words were polite. They should have come accompanied by a smile to answer hers but Josh’s lips felt oddly stiff. His fingers were tingling, too. Had Megan been as aware as he was of that tiny touch of skin to skin as the glass had been transferred?
There was certainly something very different about the way Megan was looking at him today.
About the way she was smiling at him.
Maybe the biggest change of all had happened a few days ago and was only now filtering through. He’d hardly seen her since that conversation they’d had in the cafeteria. Maybe because he didn’t trust himself around her? If Brianna and her friends hadn’t come in when they had, would he really have kissed Megan?
Did he still want to?
She was smiling again right now. At Claire this time, nodding as she raised her glass to her lips. His mother’s expression was anxious. Did she like the wine? Was she enjoying herself? Megan’s smile said that she did. And she was. The tip of her tongue appeared as if chasing an errant drop of wine from her bottom lip and Josh was aware of a sudden heat, deep down in his belly. He almost groaned aloud.
Yes. The answer was most definitely yes. For a long, long moment he couldn’t take his eyes off Megan’s mouth. God help him, but he’d never wanted to kiss anybody as much as he wanted to kiss Megan Phillips at this moment.
Megan’s
gaze suddenly shifted, jerking up to meet his as if she’d felt the force of that shaft of desire.
It was impossible to look away. To deny what he was feeling.
To one side of him, Brenna was climbing onto a chair, a mangled chicken nugget in her small fist.
‘For you, Daddy,’ she announced imperiously.
‘Mmm...’ But Josh couldn’t move. Couldn’t even look down. Not yet
Not when he could see that Megan knew exactly what he’d been thinking about. How he was feeling.
And she wasn’t looking away...
A faint flush of colour had painted her cheeks again and her lips parted slightly. Never mind that the room was packed with people and there had to be at least a dozen conversations going on, adults helping little ones to eat or pouring juice or drinking their wine and chatting to each other.
Far too many people for such a small space and yet, for that instant, it felt like it had in the cafeteria days ago. As if nothing else mattered and he was alone in the world apart from Megan.
‘Dad-dy...’
Josh lowered his head and obediently opened his mouth. The chicken nugget was posted home accompanied by a squeal of glee from his daughter and the moment was well and truly broken.
That flush of colour seemed to stay on Megan’s cheeks after that. Was it the wine? Maybe it was due to the compliments that Claire kept heaping on Megan to anyone who was listening.
‘She saved my life, you know. If she hadn’t been there on the beach that day, I probably wouldn’t be here, celebrating my grandchildren’s birthday. She’s my angel, so she is. Where’s my camera? I need a photo.’
Rita was only too pleased to arm herself with the camera and take a picture of Claire and Megan side by side and smiling.
And then she wanted one of Megan with the twins.
‘She was the doctor who saved them when they were born, you know.’ Claire had to wipe a tear away. ‘My angel, so she is...’
Josh stood back and watched as Claire engineered the picture she wanted. Brenna was happy enough to sit on Megan’s knee but Max took a bit more persuasion. He was busy flattening chicken nuggets with his plastic Bob the Builder hammer. His grandmother bribed him by saying that he would be able to blow out the candles on his cake as soon as the picture was taken and in short order there was Megan with both his children on her lap.
Josh suddenly found it hard to take his next breath. Brenna was reaching up, unable to resist the urge to play with the tumble of Megan’s hair. She seemed to change her mind at the last moment, however, and touched Megan’s face instead. Unusually gentle for such a small child, Brenna traced the outline of Megan’s smile.
Claire was dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief as Rita snapped some photos.
She was right, wasn’t she? If it wasn’t for Megan, this party might not be happening. She had been the person who had been there to hold them and care for them when they had taken their first breaths.
What a different picture that would have been from the happy, family chaos they were in the midst of here. Josh could paint that different picture in his mind all too easily. The bright lights and tense atmosphere. The hiss of oxygen and the beeping of monitors giving alarming readings.
How hard had that been on Megan?
Harder than it had been for him, banished to pace the end of the corridor and agonise over what might be happening?
Of course it must have been.
He’d begged her to save his babies, knowing that he couldn’t face the agony of losing another child. But the child he had lost had also been Megan’s and, although he’d done his absolute utmost to save the baby she’d named Stephen, he’d failed. And yet he’d expected Megan to do whatever she could to save the twins and he’d had absolute faith that she would. She’d made sure that he’d been left with the gift of life that he’d failed to give her all those years ago.
She must have been devastated at having to be a central player in such an ironic twist of fate. No wonder she hadn’t hung around for Rebecca’s funeral. She’d already done far more than it had been reasonable to expect and it was thanks to her that he had these precious children in his life.
And that he still had his mother.
His chest still felt tight and now Josh had a lump in his throat as well. How selfish had it been to harbour resentment at Megan for taking off the way she had? To have hung onto the anger that she hadn’t believed him when he’d tried to explain the anomaly of sleeping with Rebecca that one last time? How arrogant had it been to assume she would trust him when he’d let her down so badly in the past? Turning his back on her after that first night together.
Failing to save their child.
And she had been afraid to tell him she’d moved on and become engaged to another man because she didn’t want him to hate her?
As if the kind of love he had for Megan could ever, ever flip over to the dark side of that coin.
If anything, in this moment, seeing her here in his house, holding his children, he loved her more than ever. The power of that first night they’d had together was trickling back faster and faster.
Threatening to drown him.
A power that was becoming intense because this scene felt so right. Megan as the mother of his children. It felt as right as it had to create a new life together on the night they had been discovering each other for the first time.
But what could he do about it?
Too much damage had been done. Megan had finally taken definitive steps to move on from it all. What was it he’d overheard someone saying? Oh...yeah...she’d gone to the end of the earth in order to do that. And she’d found someone else there. This Charles that she was now engaged to.
Megan wasn’t available so it didn’t matter a damn how right any of this felt. He had no right to mess up whatever it was Megan had decided she wanted for the rest of her life. He had to let go.
Be happy for her?
But...what about the change he was so aware of today? The way Megan was looking at him?
Her smile...
The utter confusion Josh could feel seemed to be contagious. Max was suddenly overcome by the emotional overload of the exciting birthday party. He hit his sister with his plastic hammer and Brenna shrieked with outrage and then burst into heartbroken sobs.
Claire tried to rescue Megan but Brenna wasn’t having any of it. She wound her arms around Megan’s neck and howled more loudly. A kick from her small legs sent Max tumbling off Megan’s lap and his face crumpled ominously. Josh moved in to collect his son. He picked Max up and held him tightly, making soothing noises to circumvent an additional meltdown. It would be time enough when things had calmed down to have a talk to him about what it was acceptable to use his new hammer on. It was certainly pointless right now.
‘Maybe we’d better postpone the cakes,’ Claire suggested, and there was a murmur of agreement from other adults. The twins weren’t the only toddlers who were reaching the end of their tethers. The guests began to sort themselves out to go home.
Megan was on her feet. She had her arms wrapped around Brenna and she was rocking the small girl and making the same kind of soothing noises Josh had been making to Max. His son had now recovered his good humour.
‘Juice?’ he begged. ‘Thirsty, Daddy.’
‘I’ll fix that,’ Claire said. ‘Can you give out the goody bags for everybody before they go?’
‘Sure.’ A glance over his shoulder before he moved to the front door to give out the farewell gifts showed him that Brenna was now almost asleep in Megan’s arms. Her eyes were shut and a thumb was in her mouth. Her other arm was still wound around Megan’s neck, though. There was even a small fistful of that tumble of brown curls, anchoring Megan’s head in place.
When he got back to the kitchen, there were only a couple of guests remaining and Max was sitting at the table, eating pizza and staring hopefully at his cake.
‘Later,’ his grandmother was saying. ‘It’ll be our teatime treat.’
‘She’s gone upstairs to put Brenna to bed,’ Claire told him. ‘Maybe you could check on them?’
‘Sure.’ But Josh didn’t return his mother’s smile. Poor Megan. She’d not only attended a party she hadn’t wanted to go to, she’d been firmly cast in the role of stand-in mother.
How on earth was she coping with that?
* * *
It had been a huge relief when Brenna’s sobs had receded and the stiff little body she’d been holding had begun to relax. That boneless sensation of a child falling asleep in her arms had been so sweet Megan hadn’t dared risk waking her by accepting Claire’s offer to take her. Instead, she’d said she would put Brenna down for a nap herself.
To find Brenna’s tiny fingers still clutching a handful of her hair when she eased her onto her small bed was enough to bring tears to Megan’s eyes. She really hadn’t wanted anyone else to comfort her, had she?
Kneeling beside the bed and leaning in close enough not to have her hair pulled painfully or disturb the toddler’s slumber, she gently disentangled the connection, although she needn’t have worried about waking Brenna who was deeply asleep now, her head sinking into her pillow. Dark eyelashes made fans above plump, flushed cheeks and a cupid’s bow of her mouth made tiny movements as if sucking on something, even though the favoured thumb had been discarded.
For a long moment Megan stayed where she was, kneeling beside the bed. She smoothed some errant curls back from Brenna’s face and then simply watched her sleep, marvelling at such perfect skin and the expression of such innocence that made sleeping children look like angels.
So precious.
So vulnerable.
The vice that squeezed her heart was all too easy to recognise and Megan had to close her eyes for a moment and try to take in a deep, steadying breath.
How had this happened?
How, in God’s name, hadn’t she seen it coming and put a better protective barrier in place?
It was too late now. She’d fallen in love with Brenna.
With Josh’s daughter.
Megan heard the soft sound of movement behind her. Or maybe she sensed Josh easing himself silently into the room. Still on her knees, Megan turned her head, knowing that her eyes were bright with tears. That her distress must be written all over her face. She loved a child who could never be hers. And now she was facing the man she loved and he could never be hers either.
St. Piran's: The Wedding! Page 11