She didn’t matter.
* * *
She couldn’t stay here, on the bed, with her shirt still unbuttoned and her hair a tousled mess. Megan did up her shirt, forcing stiff fingers into action, but didn’t bother touching her hair as she went downstairs.
It was ridiculous to feel like this.
Like what? Betrayed?
His child was sick. Maybe seriously sick. Of course Max had to be the priority.
But she was supposed to be sharing his life. Why had he shut her out? He hadn’t even looked at her before he’d rushed off.
She couldn’t do anything to prevent that old button being pushed. The one that fired the emotions she’d been devastated by so many years ago. She’d felt so...used that first time. Used and cheap and stupid. Incredibly naïve and so very, very hurt.
What had Josh told her that day he’d come to pass on the news that Rebecca was pregnant? That his children had to be the most important thing in his life. The only thing that really mattered.
Apart from his career, of course.
He’d been far too busy to come with her today. Far too focused on the upcoming public acknowledgement of his brilliant bloody career.
Something far too close to panic was clutching at Megan now as she paced back and forth across her kitchen floor, her arms wrapped tightly around her body. There was no comfort to be found in the hug or the movement, however. Megan shivered. Her home felt cold and empty with the absence of Josh.
So did her heart.
This was exactly what she’d been afraid of. That she would put herself back into this space. Every step she had taken had made her feel closer to Josh. More a part of his family. That the future was safe from the kind of emotional trauma she knew, all too well, that he was capable of causing, whether or not it was intentional.
The panic caught and held. Spiralled.
What the hell was she going to do?
With a sob Megan collapsed into a chair beside the table. Her arms flopping onto its surface. Coming into contact with her handbag. Half-blinded by tears, Megan started automatically shoving the spilled contents of the bag back into place.
The last item her fingers closed over was a large white envelope.
With tears still streaming down her face, Megan stared at it blankly. And then she remembered what it contained.
Her fingers trembling, she opened the envelope.
CHAPTER TEN
‘SHE’S GONE.’
Josh O’Hara scowled at his sister. ‘What do you mean, she’s gone?’
After a sleepless night, during which Max had been thoroughly checked and declared to be suffering from no more than an ear infection, Josh had taken the day off work so that he could collect his sister from the airport and look after the rest of his family.
Tasha had been desperately keen to see Megan so she’d taken Josh’s car and gone to Megan’s cottage as soon as she could without offending her family. She’d been gone a couple of hours and had now stormed back into the farmhouse, looking bewildered as she’d made her startling announcement.
Claire came down the stairs, having settled the twins for a nap. ‘That paracetamol has worked a treat,’ she said. ‘Max doesn’t even feel like he’s running a temperature any more and he went out like a light. He’s exhausted, poor lamb, after such a disrupted night. I’m feeling the same myself, so I am. I’m going to make a big pot of coffee.’
She stopped speaking and looked from her son to her daughter and back again.
‘What on earth’s the matter with you two?’
‘Megan’s gone,’ Tasha said. ‘The cottage is all locked up. I went to the most likely car rental agency and was told she handed in the vehicle and her keys very early this morning. She ordered a taxi. To take her to the airport.’
Déjà vu.
Josh could feel the blood draining from his brain, leaving a confused maelstrom of questions.
Why?
How could she do something like this?
Where had she gone?
What the hell has just happened here?
Snatches of answers were trying to compete.
You blanked her again, didn’t you?
When you got the news about Max, she ceased to matter, when only minutes before she’d been the only thing that mattered.
He’d shut her out. Hurt her unbearably and she’d reacted the way she always had. By running away.
Surely by now she felt she could trust him? Running away was... It was verging on cowardly, wasn’t it?
The blood was returning now. Boiling back as something like fury began to nibble its way through all the other devastating emotions swirling around.
Both Claire and Tasha were staring at him.
‘Kitchen,’ Claire commanded. ‘We all need some coffee.’
Moving in a vaguely zombie-like fashion, Josh did as he was told. He needed to sit down, that was for sure. To try and get his head around this. Half of him was furious. The other half was numb. Stunned by a blow he hadn’t expected.
Didn’t deserve?
Maybe he did. For his past stupidity if not for how badly he’d handled this latest crisis.
He barely heard the chatter going on between Claire and Tasha as they made coffee.
‘I’ll do it, Mum. You sit down. You look exhausted and you’ve had a heart attack recently, for heaven’s sake.’
‘I’m fine. Or I will be when I know what on earth is going on around here to make Josh look like the world has ended. Out of the way, Natasha. Or make yourself useful and find some mugs.’
A chuckle from Tasha. ‘You certainly sound like your old self. I’m sorry I couldn’t come over when you were in hospital. I was feeling a bit sick myself for a few days there and we didn’t know what it was.’
‘You didn’t say.’
‘I didn’t want to worry you. And I’m fine now, except for first thing in the morning.’
‘Oh...’ Claire dropped the lid of the biscuit tin. ‘Are you...?’
‘Yes.’ The joy in Tasha’s voice made Josh turn his head and tune in properly. ‘I’m pregnant. Three months along now.’
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
Tasha sat down at the table and sighed. ‘I felt bad, you know? About telling Megan. Knowing that she can never have her own babies. It wasn’t something I could tell her in a phone call or a text and...and I thought I could tell her face-to-face. Today. She texted me this morning but now her phone’s turned off.’
‘What did she text you about?’ Josh demanded.
‘Max.’ Tasha closed her eyes. ‘She wanted to know if he was OK. I told her everything was fine and I’d see her soon.’
‘And?’
‘And nothing. That was it.’ Tasha shook her head. ‘I could have walked past her at the airport without even knowing. Why has she gone? I would have thought the opening of the emergency paediatric unit was just as important for her as it is to you.’ She opened her eyes and glared at Josh. ‘This has got something to do with you, hasn’t it? I know how much Megan loves you. Did you give her a reason to think it was all on again and then do something to show her that nothing had changed?’
It was Josh’s turn to close his eyes. ‘Something like that, I suppose,’ he muttered.
There was a long silence. The groan from Josh broke it. ‘I knew it was like this,’ he said. ‘I was right to want nothing to do with love. It only wrecks your life. Someone always gets badly hurt.’
‘Oh, rot,’ Tasha said. ‘Alessandro and I are as happy as any two people could be, thank you very much.’
Claire had totally forgotten about the coffee she was preparing. She sank into another chair at the table, her fingers at her neck, playing with her silver shamrock. She looked troubled.
‘Do you love Megan, Josh?’
‘Yes. Totally. As much as it’s possible to love anyone.’ He could feel his face settling into grim lines. ‘But what’s the point? She’s gone. Again.’
‘Wasn’t she engaged? To
that man from London?’
‘Charles?’ Tasha sounded astonished. ‘No way...he was just a friend.’
‘Not any more,’ he told his mother.
Claire nodded. ‘It was a second-best thing, then. Like you and Rebecca.’
‘What’s made her run away?’ Tasha asked gently. ‘Do you know?’
Josh didn’t answer. If he did, he’d have to take the blame, wouldn’t he? And he wasn’t the only one at fault here. Megan had run away. Blanked him back in the most blatant way possible. He had every right to be furious with her, didn’t he? Not that he expected his mother or sister to buy into that. He was outnumbered here, he could feel it.
‘If you don’t know, you need to find out,’ Claire said. ‘For a bright boy, Josh, you can be a bit simple sometimes.’
‘I would have thought you’d understand better than anyone,’ Josh told her.
‘What?’
‘You loved Dad, didn’t you?’
‘Yes, of course I did. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.’
‘You loved him enough to take him back, time after time, after his affairs. You believed it could work and he just hurt you again and again. Hurt all of us.’
‘Oh...’ Claire looked devastated. ‘You were just a child. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to keep the family together.’ She looked ready to cry. ‘How could I not see the damage that was happening?’
‘Hey...I turned out just fine,’ Tasha put in.
‘Joshie was the oldest,’ Claire said sadly. ‘I leaned on him. I let him see more than he should have seen about how tough things were.’ She reached out to touch her son’s arm. ‘But you can’t compare my marriage to what you and Megan have. Have always had, from what I’ve heard.’
‘Why not?’ It didn’t bother Josh that his mother knew far more than he’d realised. Nothing mattered right now except that he’d lost Megan.
Again. Maybe for good this time.
‘The love in my marriage was one-sided,’ Claire said sadly. ‘Rory was fond of me, certainly, but he didn’t love me. The balance was too wrong and that was why it never worked.’
Tasha was nodding. ‘If you have real love on both sides, it’s like a see-saw. Sure, it tips up and down a bit but you can always find the balance and when it’s there, it’s like a bridge into another world. Not a perfect world but...’ Her smile was misty. ‘It’s as good as it gets.’
Josh knew that world. It was the space he could be in with Megan and no one else.
‘You know how much you love your children,’ Claire added. ‘What that’s like.’
Josh’s smile felt rusty. ‘It’s the best feeling in the world.’
‘Well, love between parents and children is pretty much a given,’ Claire said sagely. ‘When you get that kind of love between people who choose to be together, it’s different but just as powerful.’
‘Yes,’ Tasha agreed. She had her hand on her belly. ‘And when you combine all the different sorts of love in your life, that’s when the real magic happens.’
‘Like the sun that can shine through the worst of any weather,’ Claire said softly.
‘Or at least dry the puddles afterwards.’ Tasha laughed. Then she sobered and patted Josh’s hand. ‘You and Megan have that. Put the past behind you once and for all and start again.’
The numbness was finally wearing off. The fury was still there but part of it was being directed internally now. Josh knew exactly what he needed to do. What he had to do. But was it too late?
‘I have no idea where she’s gone.’
‘I think you do,’ Tasha suggested.
‘And if you don’t, you can find out, for heaven’s sake.’ Claire sounded impatient. ‘Ring that friend of hers that she isn’t engaged to any more. Find out what plane she got on.’ She clicked her tongue irritably. ‘What on earth are you waiting for?’
* * *
Bleached, bone-thin cattle stirred the parched ground and made the dust swirl. Fortunately, there was no breeze to shift it any closer to where Megan was sitting beneath a skeleton tree that offered only a hint of shade.
Back at the camp for less than twenty-four hours, she was finding it a struggle to cope with the heat and the smell and how appallingly tired she was. The flight had been incredibly long. Plenty of time to catch her breath and reflect on her knee-jerk reaction of escaping Josh.
Why couldn’t she get past the automatic response? Maybe it had been justified way back after their first night together because she’d had nothing to hang any kind of faith on. Now she knew how much Josh loved her.
But she’d known that last time, hadn’t she? And then he’d come to her home and told her it was over—that they could never be together. Because the welfare of his children had to come first.
And it had been the welfare of those children that had sparked this reaction. Did she really think he would have come back from seeing Max at the hospital to tell her that he’d made a mistake and he couldn’t include her in his life?
At that moment, yes... Her panic had been caused by the fear of exactly that happening and the only way Megan had thought she could protect herself had been to somehow make it not happen.
And now here she was, having ensured that the worst-case scenario was firmly in place. The way she had when she’d made the mistake of not believing Josh when he’d tried to explain about sleeping with Rebecca again?
He wasn’t even going to attempt to explain himself this time, though, was he? Megan had turned her phone on first thing that morning only to find her battery was flat. It was charging again now but unless there were texts or calls she’d missed in her travels, she wouldn’t be hearing anything today.
It was opening day. The pinnacle, so far, of Josh’s career. He’d already proved he could push her away for the sake of his children and Megan knew his career came a close second in his life priorities. It would be almost dawn in Cornwall right now. Was he awake already? Had he had a haircut? Would he shave for a second time, maybe, before heading off to face all the cameras and lights?
Megan shifted slightly, to ease the pins and needles in her arms.
‘You’re getting to be big lumps,’ she told the two babies she held. She kissed one grizzled scalp and then the other, earning a toothless grin from Asha and a wave of two chubby fists from Dumi. ‘Big, fat, healthy lumps. How good is that?’
One of the group of Somalian women Megan was surrounded by, Fatuma, was crouched beside her in the shade of the bare tree, holding a child of her own. She looked up and smiled. ‘Fat.’ She nodded. ‘Is good.’
Megan kissed the babies again. ‘It is,’ she said softly. Speaking in Somalian, she continued, ‘Thank you so much for helping to care for them, Fatuma.’
‘It is my honour,’ was the reply. ‘You saved my baby. I help yours.’
Megan nodded gravely. The exchange of gifts was respected.
For a minute both women watched the older children playing in the bare field near the cattle. They all held long sticks and there was a stone that was being scooted across the ground by being hit. Shrieks of laughter could be heard and it was a sound that could, temporarily at least, reduce the grim reality of these surroundings.
Still, Megan sighed.
‘I wish they were really mine,’ she said.
‘They are the babies of your heart. They are yours.’
Megan nodded again. It was true. She had missed them so much. If she wasn’t able to adopt them as a single woman and take them home, she would stay here despite the risk of dengue fever.
‘Lots of insect repellent, I think,’ she murmured.
Fatuma looked puzzled but then shaded her eyes to look towards where the sun was glinting off the corrugated-iron roof of the clinic buildings.
‘Truck coming,’ she sighed. ‘More and more people.’
Idly, Megan followed her gaze. The truck was one of those ancient ones with a big wooden crate on its flat deck. A crowd of people stood in the crate, filling the space t
o uncomfortable levels. Not an unusual sight. What was unusual was a face amongst them that simply didn’t fit.
A white face.
The truck stopped near one of the camp registration tents and the people spilled out over the back.
The heat suddenly seemed unbearable to Megan. She could feel a trickle of sweat gluing the folds of her shawl to her back. Exhaustion and jet lag seemed to be combining to make her feel very odd. Unwell, even.
Or maybe it was just because missing Josh was so painful it was like having part of herself ripped away. The pain came in waves and this one was strong enough to have her hallucinating.
Imagining that the tall, lean figure leaping from the back of that truck was actually Josh. That he had come to the end of the earth to find her. That he was striding towards her, flanked by an entourage of curious children, through the shimmer of heat and clouds of dust like some kind of mirage.
Blinking didn’t make things any clearer. Lack of oxygen wasn’t helping but Megan couldn’t take a new breath because...
Because it was Josh.
Unbelievably, Josh was here. In Africa. Clearly hellbent on finding her. And as he got even closer, she could see the grim lines on his face.
‘Megan Phillips,’ he growled as soon as he got within range of being heard. ‘Don’t you ever run out on me like that again.’
* * *
This was the part of Megan that Josh had never met before.
Having released the pent-up combination of anger at the way she’d run out on him, fear that he might have lost her completely and sheer exhaustion from the hideously long journey, Josh took a deep breath and soaked in the relief of seeing her again.
Crouched on the arid African dirt, with a shawl covering her head and wrapped around her body, Megan was clearly a welcome companion for the other women who were so well shrouded only their faces were visible. Expressionless faces that were regarding him with barely restrained hostility in the silence that had fallen after his heated reprimand by way of a greeting for Megan. Even the children playing nearby were standing still, as frozen as everybody else by this startling turn of events.
‘Y-you...you c-can’t be here,’ Megan stammered.
St. Piran's: The Wedding! Page 15