by L A Cotton
“Really?” A smile formed on Marissa’s face, and I found myself smiling back.
“Yes, really. Now, come on, before I change my mind.”
Everyone gathered around the campfire. Troy and a couple of the other guys—Malachi and Liam, I think—grilled burgers and hot dogs on a smaller fire contained within a huge steel drum. Tina seemed more relaxed than she had last night and made sure to go around to all of the new staff to see how we were doing. And, of course, Blake was there. I had felt him before I saw him. One brief look and now, I was forcing myself to look anywhere but in his direction. It was hard; harder than I thought it would be. But apparently, what the head let itself forget, the heart did not, and every time I heard his voice, my heart flipped violently in my chest.
As the night wore on, I became less and less comfortable. Everyone seemed more than at home making new friends and reacquainting with old ones, and I sat on the periphery unsure of how to edge my way in. Marissa tried her best to include me, but people gravitated toward her. She pulled them in without even realizing. Me, not so much, and eventually, I slipped away and wandered down to the lake. It was close enough to still see the campfire, but far away enough that I wouldn’t be disturbed.
The water rippled gently, deflecting the moon’s glow. It was beautiful. Serene. I sat down at the water’s edge, and my hand searched the ground for a flat stone. When I found one suitable, I rolled it in the palm of my hand, over and over, feeling its smooth surface. It was perfect. Drawing my hand up, I tilted it slightly and gripped it with my thumb and forefinger. With a snap of the wrist, I sent the stone flying across the lake. It landed on the water’s surface and skimmed across. One. Two. Three. Before disappearing with a small splash.
“Nice,” a voice called from somewhere behind me, and a deep sigh reverberated in my body.
“Do you mind?” Blake dropped down next to me, his shoulder almost touching mine.
The proximity should have bothered me, but I couldn’t breathe, let alone move. His voice had pinned me to the very spot in which I sat.
“It’s really you. Fuck, Penny, I can’t believe this is real.”
I heard his words, but my eyes remained on the lake glistening before us.
“Say something, anything.”
“It’s beautiful out here.”
Those words were safe. Detached. If I said any of the things I really wanted to say, I risked falling apart into irreparable pieces.
Neither of us spoke again. The silence hung between us, thick and heavy, and I felt sure it was going suffocate me.
After what felt like an eternity, Blake said, “There’s so much I want to say. Things I want to explain, but I… this is, shit, I’m messing all of this up. I didn’t expect this.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Blake swept a hand through his hair and ran it across his head.
“I’ve missed you so damn much. It’s really you, Penny. My lucky Penny.” The pain in his voice was almost tangible. Something I could reach out and touch.
A single tear formed in the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek.
And just like that, Blake Weston pieced together the broken parts of me, all while tearing them back down.
For the second time in my life.
Age 12
“Have you seen her yet?” Bennett asked me as we sat on the wall of the Freeman group home, our legs dangling beneath us.
“Another girl?” My face scrunched with disapproval.
That made five in the last year. They came, stayed for a few months, and left. Girls were always first out of here. A couple looking to adopt preferred girls, or at least that was what Marie liked to tell us repeatedly.
“Yeah, Mase saw her already. Marie has her in the house giving the grand tour,” he smirked and flicked his head back toward the house.
We both knew what the grand tour meant. A quick look around the house and then a rundown of what Derek and Marie expected of us while we stayed. House rules, they liked to call them. They expected each of us to do chores and keep our rooms tidy. But rule number one was to be seen and not heard, which was almost impossible given we were teenagers. Well, not me. Not yet. I’d just turned twelve, but in a year, I would be a teenager, and then I would stand up to the Freeman’s shit.
“Don’t go there, Blake.”
“What?” I shrugged kicking my feet on the sidewalk.
“You have that look again. You have to rein it in, dude. You’ve already been grounded three times this month. Don’t go causing trouble. It’s not worth it. Besides, I kinda like having you around. You might be the youngest here, but you have a good head on your shoulders.”
Pride swelled in me. Bennett was the oldest kid living in the group home. He was strong and protective of the younger kids, like me, and he knew all the ways around the house rules. I got along well with Mase and Peter, the other two boys, but I looked up to Bennett. I wanted to be just like him when I was older.
“Okay, Bennett. Sorry.” I ducked my head not wanting him to see my red cheeks.
“Hey, don’t apologize, okay? Just keep your head down and remember you won’t be in this place forever.” Bennett shoulder checked me and hopped down off the wall. “Come on, let’s go and meet her. You know what Amy can get like when a new girl arrives.”
I followed Bennett up the path to the porch and took a deep breath.
He was right; one day, I would be free.
And I was counting the years.
“Why are your eyes so puffy?” Amy snarled at the new girl, Penny, and folded her arms over her chest like it was a crime to cry.
“Amy, back off,” Bennett said. He was slouched back on the worn couch in the den; the one room in the house we were allowed to hang out in besides our bedrooms.
“You’re not the boss of me, Bennett Foley. I can ask her a question if I want to.”
I looked over at Penny from underneath the bill of my baseball cap. She seemed to shrink further into herself, wrapping her arms around her waist. She looked so broken. I hadn’t been happy about another girl showing up, but I didn’t like how sad she looked. I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat.
“Bennett’s right, Amy. It’s obvious she’s upset, so let’s give her some space,” Jessica, the oldest girl, said.
“Fine. Fine, I have homework anyway. Catch you losers later.” Amy stormed out of the room.
Bennett and Jessica shared a look, and he said, “She’s getting harder to manage. Can’t you do something?”
“Me? She’s not my responsibility, Bennett.” Jessica glared at him.
“No, but she’s making too many waves. Derek and Marie will take this room away. They did it before, and they’ll do it again. And you know what that means. It means lockdown.”
I glanced around at my foster siblings. Mase sat next to Bennett looking as comfortable as I was. Mia was sitting on the stained beanbag in the corner of the room watching the exchange between Bennett and Jessica. Peter hadn’t been allowed to come down since he was late doing his chores yesterday, and Penny was silent looking down at her hands clasped in her lap.
If I were older, like Bennett, I would have stuck up for her or asked her if she was okay. Penny was new to the system; it was written all over her soggy face. Arriving at the Freeman group home was scary enough when you had been in the system for a while but arriving here as your first foster home—I couldn’t imagine how she felt or what was going through her head.
“Fine, I’ll go talk to her.” Jessica glanced over at Penny and smiled sadly. “It’ll get easier, I promise. If you need to talk, I’m here. So is Mia, right?”
Mia nodded like Jessica was her mom, and Penny lifted her head and managed to nod back. We all watched the two girls leave the den.
“Okay.” Bennett smoothed his hands down his jeans and stood. “I’m turning in. Don’t stay in here past eight. They don’t like it.”
Mase followed him but paused at the table. “Coming, Blake?”
I rose and
murmured that I was coming. Penny had dropped her head again, but it didn’t feel right just to leave her all alone. Not on her first night.
“Actually, I’ll be up in a bit, Mase.”
He shrugged and went after Bennett. There wasn’t a door hanging from the frame in the room, that wasn’t allowed, but once I heard Bennett and Mase on the stairs, I knew we were alone.
My heart thumped in my chest, and I gulped back my nerves. I didn’t understand why I was being such a girl. She wasn’t going to bite; she couldn’t even look me in the eye, for Pete’s sake.
“Hmm, hi, I’m Blake. Penny, right?” I asked, approaching her chair.
She slowly lifted her head and sniffled. “Yeah. Hi.”
“Sorry about earlier with Amy. She has a giant stick up her butt.”
A small smile spread over Penny’s face, and I stood a little taller, puffing my chest out. I’d made her smile. Me. No one else had managed to make her smile.
“That’s okay.”
“No, no, it isn’t. She’s always like that. It’s because no one likes her.” I sat on the arm of the couch closest to Penny.
“Okay, it’s not okay. Got it.” Her smile was gone, but she didn’t look so sad anymore.
“It’s your first time, right?” Penny nodded, and her eyes teared again. “My bad, sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Shaking her head from side to side, she choked out, “It’s not you. It’s, it’s been a sucky few days.”
An idea sprang into my mind. It was risky, and Bennett would kick my ass when he found out, but it always made me feel better. And if there was a chance it would make Penny feel better, then it would be worth the consequences.
“Hey, want to get out of here?”
Alarm replaced sadness, and Penny’s mouth fell open like she was ready to tell me no.
“I sneak out sometimes. It’ll be okay, I promise.”
Disappointment started to fill my chest. She was going to say no and then things would be awkward between us. She didn’t look like the type of girl who would break the rules, but I just wanted to take her mind off whatever it was that was making her so sad.
I stood ready to bolt from the room when she told me no, but instead, she surprised me by saying, “Okay.”
When I had first arrived at the Freeman house almost a year ago, I’d been quick to work out all the escape routes. I had been in a couple of foster homes before this one, and although the foster parents weren’t as strict as Derek and Marie, most had rules. Over time, I became a master at climbing, jimmying windows, and crawling out of the smallest of spaces.
Backing onto Cenci Park, the house was the perfect place for an escape. The yard was long and narrow and cloaked by trees along one side that snaked across the bottom. That was the perimeter of the park. If you stayed close, the shadows swallowed you up so someone looking out from the kitchen window couldn’t see you. We didn’t risk it a lot, but when I’d first arrived, Bennett had brought me out here a couple of times after lights out. He said I was a natural at escaping.
Penny… not so much.
She had almost cried when her sweater snagged on the window lock, and then she let out a squeal when I returned from checking to make sure the coast was clear. She was a sucky accomplice, but we finally reached the trees and followed the path down to the bottom of the yard.
“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” she asked for the twentieth time.
“I’ve done this before. We’ll be okay as long as you can keep quiet. You almost gave us away back there.” I glanced over my shoulder and watched Penny chew her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Come on, it’s not much further.” I turned back and continued down the yard, using my arms to shield my face from the branches.
The end of the yard wasn’t fenced off; it was a border of thick trees separating it from the park. On the other side was what we called No Man’s Land. We figured it was the outer perimeter of the park, but no one ever came out this far, and the main paths were a way away. When we couldn’t walk any further, I told Penny to stay put as I used my hands to feel for the hole we had created between the trees.
“Got it. Come on,” I whispered, straining to make out Penny’s face.
I felt her move toward me, and then she was almost face to face with me. My heart did that weird thing again.
“Where does that lead?” she asked, and I blinked remembering where we were and what we were doing.
“Follow me.”
Penny stuck close behind me as we ducked into the trees. Bennett got out to meet his friends this way sometimes, making the path well worn. After a few seconds, the trees opened up around us, and we spilled out into the clearing. I wasted no time and dropped down onto the grass to lie on my back.
“Wha-what are you doing?”
I patted the space next to me, and Penny slowly inched down until she was kneeling next to me.
“You have to lie back or you won’t see them.”
“See what?”
“Just trust me. You’ll want to see them,” I said.
She lay back and a few wisps of her hair brushed my face. We were shoulder to shoulder staring up at the sky.
“Wow.” Her voice was so quiet.
“Yeah, wow,” I replied admiring the stars.
They shone even brighter when it was a clear night, and tonight was perfect.
Neither of us said anything else. Besides, I didn’t bring her out here to talk. I just wanted to share this with her. The first time Bennett had brought me out here, he told me this was ours. Somewhere we could come when things at the house were too much. I didn’t know what he meant back then, but I quickly learned.
My eyes tracked the stars, trying to identify the constellations Bennett had pointed out to me over our nights spent out here. I could still only identify Cassiopeia. I was halfway to making out Ursa Minor when Penny cleared her throat quietly.
“Thank you.”
It was only two simple words, but they changed everything.
Being a camp counselor was hard work. The days were never ending, my time was no longer my own, and I hadn’t felt clean in two weeks, but it was hands down the most rewarding thing I had ever done.
“First group is done. Congratulations, people.” Troy clapped his hands together and grinned at the campfire.
I turned my head and smiled at Marissa. Despite no longer bunking together on a daily basis, we had become close friends. I still hadn’t opened up to her much, but I was starting to trust her. She had joined me with my group of girls for breakfast a handful of times and helped me deal with a couple of teen girl dramas. We made a great team, and for the first time since the accident, I finally felt like I had purpose.
The only thing holding me back was my anxiety at the close physical proximity to the girls and the instructors. I was generally okay when I expected it, like a high-five from one of the girls or when I had to help them climb or hold something, but I still couldn’t handle the unsuspecting moments.
At the end of the first week, Chelsea, one of the youngest girls in my group, had finally managed to complete the Camp Chance obstacle course. She was so proud of herself that she hugged me without thinking. Instead of sharing in her excitement and personal achievement, panic at her slender arms wrapped around my waist suffocated me. Somehow, through my alarm, I’d managed to pat her on the back. She didn’t notice the way I stepped back ever so slightly to put space between us without actually shrugging her off.
“Penny, earth to Penny, are you with us?” Troy was staring right at me, and I blinked rapidly before murmuring something unintelligible while my cheeks exploded with embarrassment and I ducked my head.
“Good job with the girls last week.” He winked and turned his attention to someone else.
I could still feel eyes on me, but I knew it wasn’t Troy as he was busy singing praises of John, one of the other counselors who’d had a particularly difficult group. Even
though I knew who I would find looking in my direction, I couldn’t resist the urge to lift my head.
Blake’s head was resting on his fists, which were propped on his knees as he leaned into the fire. He sat opposite Marissa and me again, just as he did every time we congregated at the campfire.
“He’s watching you again,” Marissa whispered under her breath.
It had become our ritual. We would sit around the fire, I’d look up to find Blake watching me, and Marissa would point out the obvious.
Since the night by the lake, I had tried my hardest to avoid him. Whenever our paths crossed, I smiled and whispered a polite hello, but I couldn’t give him more than that yet. It was too soon. Too raw. Besides, I didn’t know if he even wanted more after the way I’d fled from him when he had laid his feelings out on the line.
Lucky Penny.
That nickname had once made me feel like I could survive anything. It had helped me survive so much. But now it was a distant memory—the kind that felt more like a dream than reality.
Marissa nudged me in the side, snapping me from my memories, and when my eyes refocused, Blake was no longer looking in my direction.
My heart sank.
“The next buses arrive at five in the afternoon tomorrow, so the next twenty-two hours are yours to do as you please.”
“Except each other,” one of the guys called out causing the whole camp to burst into fits of laughter. I smiled, but the joke was lost on me.
“Okay, smart aleck, you know where to find us if you need us. Enjoy your downtime. The lake is warm this time of year if you catch my drift.” Troy waved his hand in the air behind him as he and Tina headed back toward the central cabin. Laughter followed them.
A couple of the guys stood up and yelled, “Last one in cooks.”
They set off in the direction of the lake peeling off their clothes as they went. Without stopping, they both leaped off the dock and bombed into the water. A huge wave rose up and splashed around them.