by L A Cotton
Frustrated with myself… Blake… our whole predicament, I glanced back at the fire needing a few seconds to center myself. The others were goofing around, making the most of our downtime before the last group arrived tomorrow. Marissa cozied up in front of the fire next to Liam who, despite her best efforts, still looked more interested in the fire than in her. She sat so her body angled toward us, making me smile. Marissa had become a really good friend. I was going to miss her.
“I’m sorry.” Blake sighed. “I just feel like we’re losing time, and there’s still so much I want to know. There’s not enough time.”
You don’t want to know, I whispered silently to myself.
“I don’t want to walk away from here in two weeks and regret things. More things.”
He was making up lost time or, at least, trying to. I got that. I did. But opening up didn’t come easy for me. I was used to bottling things up until I was like a pop bottle ready to explode, and even then, I could only give so much. Only things that felt safe to reveal.
“After you left, things were okay for a while. Derek and Marie even managed to be nice to us occasionally. I hate to say it, Blake, but it was almost like they were glad to see you go.”
Blake tried to look offended but ending up laughing. “Doesn’t surprise me. Derek hated me.”
Those three words changed the energy around us. The silence no longer felt comfortable but strained.
It was like no matter what we talked about, however hard we tried to avoid it, everything always led back to the one thing too painful to talk about.
This was our legacy.
“Not as much as he hated Chris. Those two really went at it.”
“Someone finally stood up to him?” Blake sounded surprised, but I also heard a tinge of regret in his voice.
My eyes dropped from his face and swept down his frame. Blake had clenched his fists at his sides, and his whole body had tensed. He played a good game of seeming as if he was in control, but I saw the truth. Blake was standing on the precipice about to fall over at any second.
Some things never change.
“You could say that.” Wanting to bring Blake back to me, I added, “Remember when Bennett aged out? I’ll never forget the look on Marie’s face as he strolled up the path yelling at the top of his lungs ‘so long, fuckers.’”
Blake’s jaw relaxed a little, and he tilted his head at me. “Yeah, I remember. It wasn’t all bad in there. I earned your first kiss, if I remember correctly?”
The playfulness I had become accustomed to watching whenever Blake interacted with the boys and other counselors was back, and just like that, some of the tension evaporated. And made my cheeks flush. I didn’t doubt it would return. It was always with us—just under the surface.
But for now, we could bury our heads until the next time.
I helped Marissa drag the last of the canoes up the embankment to the storage shed. The girls had gone on ahead to clean up.
“Did you know Blake has someone back in Columbus?” The words almost lodged in my throat, but since our conversation two days ago, it was all I’d thought about. Who was she? What did she look like? Did he love her?
Marissa’s smile faltered as she said, “He does? Is it serious?”
“I don’t know. He said it’s complicated.”
We hoisted the last canoe onto its hanger. Marissa dusted herself off and turned to me. “I bet. The love of his life turned up.”
“Marissa, can you be serious for once, please?”
She held her hands up laughing. “Sorry. I just can’t resist.” We started the short walk to the shower block, the girl’s laughter traveling in the air. “Besides, it true.”
“It sounded serious,” I said quietly.
“No way. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, the way he watches you across the fire. He never takes his eyes off you. Besides, as far as I’m aware, he hasn’t mentioned a girlfriend to anyone here. It’s probably just a clingy hook-up who needs a reality check.”
It hadn’t sounded that way, and the fact Blake didn’t give me any details suggested there was more to it. But you didn’t willingly argue with Marissa.
As if she could hear my thoughts, Marissa halted and turned to me. “Anyway, would it matter if there was? It’s not like you’ve been jumping for joy at being reunited with him.”
“Marissa!”
“Oh, come on, Penny. I know you two have a rough history, but it’s just that, history. In the past. You can’t let your past dictate your future. Mold you, sure, but define you? Nuh-uh! The Penny I’ve watched grow over the last couple of months is stronger than that.”
Was I?
Most days, I didn’t feel it.
I’d made progress, sure, but the truth was that I was still tethered to the ghosts of my past in ways I hadn’t even realized until I saw Blake again.
So much pain tainted our story, I didn’t know if we could rewrite ourselves a new ending… or beginning.
“You’re overthinking this.” Marissa took my hand in hers. “I’ve watched the two of you together. Everything you felt for Blake all of those years ago is still there. It’s written all over your face every time you look at him. And I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the same for him.”
Warmth spread into my cheeks, and I dropped my eyes. Why couldn’t I just be normal instead of damaged and confused and terrified to step out of the shadows?
Why couldn’t I let myself live in the moment for once.
“I know you’re scared,” Marissa went on. “And that’s okay. But tell me one thing, Penny. Can you live with yourself if you leave here without giving him a chance? A real chance?”
I looked over at the lake where Blake’s group was attempting to cross the water on homemade rafts. His polo shirt clung to his chest as he helped a boy onto the floatation device.
“Well, can you?”
Could I?
Blake had healed me once, and then he had broken me in a way from which I never truly recovered. But somewhere over the last two months, he had started to put me back together. Piece by piece. My head had warned me, tried to keep me away, but my heart recognized him. They called to each other, sought each other out.
Blake already owned my heart.
He always had.
But could I give him my damaged soul as well?
Age 14
“What in the hell have you done to your hair?” Amy scowled at me as she entered the den and snickered into her hand.
Bitch.
I ran a careful hand over my head and shrugged. “Nothing.”
“Oh, you soooo have, you styled it. Is it for your girlfriend?” Her voice grated on me like nails on a blackboard, and when Amy folded her pudgy arms over her chest and huffed looking far too pleased with herself, I wished for a moment I was Bennett. He always knew exactly the right thing to say in these situations. But I was never going to be as cool as Bennett was. Instead, I said the next best thing, “Piss off, Amy.”
“Blake and Penny sitting in the tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes-”
“Cut it out, Amy. Go bother someone who cares.” Mason swatted at her, and she shrieked, spinning on her heels and storming out of the room.
“So what is up with your hair, dude?”
“Nothing.” I ducked my head.
Did it really look that stupid? All I’d done was sneak a little bit of product from Peter’s secret stash underneath his bed. I just wanted to make tonight special.
“She’ll notice,” my foster brother said with a grin.
“Who’ll notice?”
He helped himself to a handful of my chips and slouched down next to me. “Penny, dickwad. Who else?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mase.”
His eyes sparkled with amusement. “Sure, you don’t. Just be careful. If Derek and Marie catch on to the two of you always sneaking out, the shit will hit the fan. For all of us.”
I mumbled something under my
breath trying my hardest to act cool. He was right though, I knew that. But I didn’t care. Not today.
Penny was my best friend, and she deserved a birthday to remember.
Dinner was the longest thirty minutes of my life. One thing Derek and Marie insisted on was that we all ate together. Every evening, we had to sit around and pretend to play happy foster family. Except tonight, Penny’s seat was empty. She had joined the debate team at school and they had an away meet. Although I was pleased for Penny since it was the first thing she had showed interest in since arriving here, I now officially hated Tuesdays.
“What time is Penny due back, Marie?” Amy said in her sickly sweet voice, the one she saved just for the foster momster, as Ben, the new kid, called her.
I shot Amy a warning glare and laughed into my glass when she yelped. Mason winked at me, and I knew he had probably stomped on her foot under the table.
“She’ll be back before lights out. Now, eat your vegetables.”
Since Bennett aged out, I had moved into his seat at the table, which meant I sat farthest away from Derek and Marie. Looking at them across the table was gross enough without sitting within spraying distance like poor Ben. He looked ready to puke as Derek sprayed another mouthful of Marie’s disgusting pot roast at him.
“Blake, is your homework all done?”
“Yes, sir,” I said biting down on my tongue. He wasn’t asking because he was interested, so I braced myself for his next words.
“Good. You’re on cleanup duties.”
“What? It’s not my night. It’s Amy’s.”
“Amy helped me with something earlier. Don’t argue with me, boy, or you’ll be washing pots all week.”
Mason caught my eye and shook his head discreetly. It’s not worth it. I understood his silent message, but I didn’t want to hear it. Not tonight of all nights.
“Fine, but the new kid helps.”
Ben’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it when I shot him a look.
“I’ll help.”
“Fine. Just get it done and take out the trash while you’re at it.”
“Is it always like this?”
Ben handed me the last of the pots, and I dipped it into the water and rinsed off the suds.
“We get Sundays off.”
Actually, Derek and Marie left us to fend for ourselves while they gorged themselves at the Golden Corral, but he didn’t need to know that yet. Besides, it was the one day of the week we could be kids.
“My last placement was this real nice family. They took me to ballgames on the weekend. I liked them. I don’t like Marie. She smells. They both do, but it’s her eyes. They scare me.”
“They’re just skin and bone, kid. Keep your head down and stay out of trouble. Who knows, maybe you’ll be out of here quicker than you think.”
Ben was a sweet kid. Only eleven with a face full of freckles and blond curly hair. He looked like the type of kid a family might want, and although adoption was rare for kids our age, it could happen.
For kids like Ben, not for me.
I’d given up on that dream a long time ago.
Just as we cleaned away the last of the cutlery, the front door opened and footsteps sounded in the hallway.
“That you, Penny?” Derek’s gruff voice called out from the living room.
“Yes, sir.”
Just hearing her voice improved my mood, and I hurried to wipe the counters.
“Straight upstairs, young lady. It’s almost time for lights out.”
I hovered near the door. Penny would have to walk right past us. I had my hand buried deep in the pocket of my jeans gripping the folded paper. Her footsteps grew louder, and I turned to Ben and said, “Go take out the trash. I’ll wait here.”
I felt bad for getting rid of him, but I wanted to see Penny alone. The kitchen door clicked shut behind Ben just as Penny reached me.
Hi, she mouthed, her lips hooked up in a smile.
Hi. Happy birthday, I mouthed back, sliding out the handmade card and handing it to her.
My heart pounded so hard against my ribcage I thought I might pass out. I knew most girls would think a scrappy hand decorated card was lame, but I hoped Penny would like it. Derek and the foster momster hadn’t even bothered to buy her a card.
Her eyes ran over my handiwork, but her face gave nothing away.
Later? Usual place? I looked down sheepishly, but she nudged me refusing to let me look away. I nodded as if there was anywhere else I’d rather be. As she walked off, her hand brushed mine leaving a million jolts of electricity buzzing through me.
“I thought you weren’t going to make it.” I stood up brushing off my jeans as Penny appeared in the clearing.
Our place.
She rushed over to me and launched herself into my arms. I caught her midair, and she pressed her lips firmly to mine.
Penny was kissing me.
Me.
It wasn’t my first kiss; I’d fooled around with girls at school before behind the bleachers playing dares, but this was different. My hands held her close not wanting to let her go.
Ever.
But as quickly as her lips connected with mine, she was pulling away leaving a hollow pit in my stomach.
“Sorry,” she said breathlessly, dropping her eyes away from me.
I brought a hand from behind her back and tipped her chin up forcing her to look at me. “Never be sorry. Happy birthday, my lucky Penny.” I leaned in to kiss her again.
It was just a quick peck, but it was everything.
Before things got awkward, I grabbed Penny’s hand and yanked her over to the blanket I’d laid out. For the last couple of weeks, I had been stealing everything I needed to make tonight perfect. A blanket from a box in Derek’s garage and cartons of juice and cookies from the cafeteria at school. I’d even managed to swipe a candle and a lighter from one of Marie’s drawers. She must have confiscated it from them one of the other kids because birthdays didn’t happen in the Freeman house. It wasn’t much, but Penny’s wide grin told me it was more than enough.
“I can’t believe you did all of this.”
“You’re only fourteen once.” I offered her a choice of juice. “Birthday girl chooses.”
We sat like that, in No Man’s Land in the middle of the night, until there was nothing left but wrappers and empty cartons.
Over the last year, our adventures had gotten later and later. With no Bennett to cover for us, it was too risky that someone would see us sneaking out, so we had started waiting for everyone to fall to sleep.
“I feel sick,” Penny groaned causing me to snicker.
“You shouldn’t have eaten that last cookie.” We were lying back on the blanket holding hands looking up at the stars. “I’m sorry I couldn’t afford a proper gift.”
Penny gasped and rolled onto her side, pushing up on her elbow. “Blake, don’t even… this, the card, tonight, it’s more than I ever dreamed of. Thank you for making this the best birthday ever.”
It was after two when we started to make our way back to the house. Darkness cloaked our two-story prison, and my eyes strained hard to make out the small bathroom window on the ground floor. My senses immediately went on high alert—something wasn’t right. I always made sure to leave the light on to guide our way back.
“Shit,” I grumbled to myself squeezing Penny’s hand.
“What’s wrong?”
“The light’s out. Either it blew or someone switched it off.”
“Crap, what should we do?”
“There’s a chance whoever it was has gone back to bed.” I pulled Penny close and whispered into her hair. “Come on, as quietly as you can.”
I felt her smile against my neck. Stealth wasn’t her strong point, and although she could jimmy open the window with ease and climb out the gap undetected, she’d had more than a couple of close calls over the last year.
As we crept closer to the house, my gut was yelling someth
ing wasn’t right. I’d come to trust my instincts since living in foster care. Forced into this life from a young age, all I had was myself to rely on. I had to grow up and get wise, and right now, the adrenaline pumping through my veins was telling me something was very wrong. But we had no choice but to go back inside. If we stayed out all night, someone would discover us gone anyway.
We ducked out of the cover of the tree line and crossed the yard to the side of the house. The window was on this wall somewhere, and I was pretty certain I could retrace our escape route in the black hole surrounding us. My clammy hand traced the wall looking for the frame. Just as my fingers hooked onto the sill, the kitchen light came on and the door creaked open. I froze, my heart in my mouth.
“So it is true?” a faceless voice said gruffly. “You two have been sneaking out right under our noses. Tut tut, you should know better. Especially you, boy.” Derek’s voice was eerily calm causing shivers to jolt up my spine.
Penny gasped and pressed herself into my side letting go of my hand. I wanted to reach back and take her hand in mine—it belonged there, but I knew it would only make our situation worse. So I squared my shoulders and took a step toward the half open door. Derek sneered at me. He looked like he’d just won the lotto, an evil smirk on his scruffy half-awake face.
“Inside.” He stepped back to let us past.
Penny moved with me, still pressed into my back as we entered the kitchen.
“Go to your rooms. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
We didn’t argue.
We didn’t say anything.
We walked the short distance upstairs to our rooms in silence. Derek didn’t follow, but I couldn’t shake the feeling something was still off.
Penny’s room was the second door along the hallway. I stopped and turned to her. “Barricade yourself in. Find something, anything to wedge the door shut, okay?”
I don’t know why I said the words, but I couldn’t shake Derek’s reaction to discovering us returning from No Man’s Land. Together. There had been something in his voice. He didn’t sound so much angry as he did pleased to have found us sneaking back in.