by L A Cotton
When Blake finally knocked on the door, it was past nine. Nervous anticipation coursed through me as I crossed the room to let him in. I reached for the door handle, and my hands trembled.
Blake and I couldn’t change our past.
But could we finally rewrite our future?
“Hi.” Blake’s eyes lit up as I opened the door and stood face to face with him, but I saw the dark circles underneath his eyes and wondered what had happened in the few hours we’d been apart.
“Hi.” My heart fluttered as my body remembered last night.
“Can I come in?” His lips curved into a smile, and I blushed. “Of course.” I stepped to the side so he could enter.
I’d waited all day to see him, but now all I could think of was what he would think of my place since he didn’t see much of it last night. I closed the door behind us and turned to Blake. He was looking around the small open space. One side was my living area; the couch, a small table, and another housing the ancient television. The smaller side was the kitchen, if you could call it that. Pale units ran around the wall and a matching island split the area from the living room. At least The Oriental Garden was closed, which meant the usual smell of egg rolls wasn’t lingering.
“It’s not much, I know,” I said quietly.
I didn’t know the extent of Blake’s living arrangements, but Anthony Weston was one of the richest men in all of Columbus. I doubted Blake lived in a shitty apartment like this.
When his eyes settled back on me, he looked ready to say something but closed his mouth again. His lips drew into a thin line. He looked torn. “How long have you lived here?”
“Hmm, a couple of years. Maybe longer.”
“And before here?” His eyes started roaming over my modest furnishings again.
“I had a room in University District.”
His eyebrow arched. “A room?”
“Yeah, in a shared house. It was… hmm, crowded.”
That was putting it mildly. It was disgusting. I responded to an ad on Craigslist. The house belonged to two guys who attended Ohio State. It was trashed most of the time from their all-night parties and days spent on the couch eating cold pizza. I had lasted five months before I moved onto the next dive.
“I don’t understand,” Blake whispered to himself more than to me.
What did he mean he didn’t understand? Was it that hard to comprehend that I couldn’t afford to rent somewhere nice?
I wrapped my arms around my waist and felt shame crawl its way up my throat. My life hadn’t been a bed of roses, but I made it work. We weren’t all lucky enough to have a rich relative swoop in and save us.
Guilt hit me like a wave.
I was happy Blake hadn’t endured the same life I had. One of us got away; one of us made something of our life, and I would never take that away from him. If anyone deserved it, Blake did. But I was only human and denying the sliver of envy coursing through me was impossible.
Needing to break the heavy mood, I said, “Can I get you a drink? I don’t have much.”
“No, I’m good. I didn’t think it would be this awkward.”
I didn’t know if his honesty reassured me or made me feel worse, but then Blake was wrapping me in his arms and everything melted away. All my insecurities and worries of what lay ahead drifted into oblivion. In Blake’s arms, I felt safe, warm… I felt loved.
Hands cold from the freezing temperatures outside swept into my hair, and Blake whispered in my ear, “I missed you.” His warm breath tickled my ear, and I ducked my head away from him.
“Not so fast.” Blake’s fingers caught my chin, and he tilted my face up to his. He stared at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. And when his lips brushed against mine gently, it was as if he was kissing me for the first time.
I wound my hands around his neck and cemented us together, deepening the kiss. How could anything we were doing be wrong when it felt so right? Our tongues danced together, and heat pooled low in my stomach. Feelings so unfamiliar to me suddenly felt so innate, so essential to me; it was hard to believe I’d lived without them for so long. I craved to be with Blake again, and my body was already ready to succumb, but we’d left too much unsaid. Too much to discuss.
“Blake, wait.” I tried to catch my breath, pulling away from him.
“Yeah.” He half-smiled sadly. He knew too. We were allowing our emotions, our need for one another, to distract us from what was important right now.
I shrieked as Blake scooped me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom. He laughed but kept me cradled to him until he lowered me onto the bed and said, “Give me five minutes.” His lips pressed to my forehead, and he disappeared out of the room. I lay there confused as I heard him leave the apartment.
A couple of minutes passed and the door to the apartment opened and closed again. “Everything okay in there?” I called out wondering what all the banging and rustling was.
“Yeah, stay put.”
I couldn’t help the smile forming on my lips. Blake had the ability to take an awkward, heavy situation and turn it on its head with his charm and playfulness. The laughter in his voice had me wondering what he was up to this time.
Moments later, he appeared in the doorway holding one of my dinner trays. It was loaded with chips, cookies, pop, and a pumpkin pie. “Happy Thanksgiving, Penny.” Mischief sparkled in his blue eyes, but I didn’t miss the way he gulped. He was choked.
So was I.
He was replicating our thing. When we’d lived at the Freeman group home, Thanksgiving wasn’t any different to any other day. Sure, Marie and Derek hung a wreath on the door and arranged pumpkins on the porch, but it was all for show. Inside, there was no holiday spirit. The first year I was there, I’d been so distraught about my parents that Blake had tried to cheer me up by taking me out to No Man’s Land. He had stolen whatever he could get his hands on to make us a Thanksgiving feast.
“You remember,” I said overwhelmed at the sentiment.
“I never forgot a single moment.” He moved to the bed and placed the tray down before pulling his snow-covered hoodie over his solid frame. His t-shirt stuck to it and rode up over his abs. “See something you like?” Blake smirked before rounding the bed and shuffling next to me.
“Jerk,” I replied ducking my head to hide the blush staining my cheeks.
Blake pulled the tray between us and handed me a paper plate. “You came prepared.”
“I figured a trip down memory lane couldn’t hurt, you know, given the circumstances.”
We ate in comfortable silence. I helped myself to a piece of pie and a can of pop. The snow was still falling outside, the shadow of the flakes reflecting on the wall.
“What happened to you, Penny, after you left the home?” Blake didn’t look at me, but I didn’t need to see his eyes to sense the change in him.
I set my can on the tray and shifted down slightly so I was lying back against the pillows staring up at the ceiling. “I left Lancaster. The social worker said she could help me find somewhere to stay and consider my options, but I couldn’t be in that town for another second. I had some money saved. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to get me to downtown Columbus. I’d already researched my options, and they were bleak. Finding a job was my priority. There was no way I could afford college, and after what happened with Derek, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to apply for scholarships…”
Blake flinched beside me. He was still sitting up against the headboard. I reached out and found his hand. Pushing the tray out of the way, Blake laced our fingers and shuffled down the bed to lie by my side.
“I picked University District as I figured there would always be work and cheap accommodations. The guidance counselor at Lancaster High had given me the name of someone at the University library, but I didn’t know if I was ready for something like that. So I asked around for kitchen work. I-”
“Fuck, Penny, where did you stay?”
“I stayed in a hoste
l for a few nights, found a job, and then found a room.”
Blake’s hand clamped around mine. Something was wrong. I risked turning my head slightly to glance over at him. Eyes set on the ceiling, Blake’s jaw ticked, and I could feel the anger rolling off him.
“Blake?”
“I can’t imagine what that was like. It shouldn’t have been like that. Things could have been different, Penny…” He sighed deeply. “If only you hadn’t sent that card.”
“Card? What card?”
Blake ripped his hand out of mine. He cursed under his breath and leaped up from the bed.
“Blake? What is going on?”
“I knew it. I fucking knew it. He lied, that bastard lied. I didn’t want to believe it, but none of it made sense.”
I pushed up on my elbows and watched Blake pace the length of the small room.
“Who lied? What are you talking about?”
“My uncle.”
His uncle? What did his uncle have to do with any of this?
“Blake.” My voice pleaded, and he stopped running a hand through his hair. He dropped to the edge of the bed and hung his head forward like a man defeated. I shifted up on my knees and slipped my arms around his waist pressing my cheek into his back. “Talk to me.”
Please don’t shut me out now.
“That first year I tried to come and see you. Three times.”
He did?
“My uncle told me not to go. On the third time, he got physical. He didn’t beat me or anything, but he lost it. My mom’s disappearance and death hit him hard. He said he didn’t want me to end up like her, like my father. None of it mattered to me, though. I just wanted to see you. The day I turned eighteen, I had planned to drive out to Lancaster. I knew the chances of you still being there were slim, but I had to try. Not a day went by that year when I didn’t think about you, Penny.” Blake turned his head slightly brushing his nose across the top of my head.
“Anyway, the morning of my birthday, he gave me two cards. One was from him and my aunt, Miranda, and the other was from you.”
Me?
My heart stalled.
“We finally aged out. I hope you’re happy. I am. I’ve waited for this day for so long, and it’s finally here. I want to live. Go live, Blake. Be everything you can and more. I’ll never forget you, Penny.” He recited the words as if they were imprinted in his mind.
I inhaled sharply. I hadn’t sent a card. Just as I had never received Blake’s letter.
“Your uncle sent it.” It wasn’t a question; we both knew the truth. Blake’s uncle had been so desperate to keep his nephew in Upper Arlington that he sabotaged any last hope for us. He had probably never delivered the letter to the Freeman’s either.
“I knew he was desperate, but how could he do that?” Blake’s voice cracked, and my heart ached for him.
“What happened, Blake?”
“The card was so, so final. It sounded a lot like goodbye, like you had moved on and wanted me to do the same. So that’s what I tried to do. That was the day I stopped living.”
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye. All this time, I thought Blake had abandoned me, but he never had. He had thought of me all these years, and he’d kept our memory alive. It was tragic, really. And yet, our time apart had changed things. Blake might have kept our memory alive, but he had also moved on.
“And now you’re engaged.”
The seconds the words left my mouth, Blake’s whole body tensed.
“I don’t love her,” was all he said.
“Does that matter? You still made a commitment to her when you proposed.” I was the one who winced this time.
A bitter laugh came from Blake. “Proposed? I didn’t propose. My uncle arranged the whole thing. Things are more fucked up than you think.”
It was my turn to pace. I climbed off the bed and walked back and forth trying to make sense of what Blake was telling me. He didn’t propose? What in the hell was he getting married to Brittany for then?
“Penny, come sit down.”
I shook my head. “No, no, I need to pace. It’s too much all at once.”
Blake eyed me warily, but I ignored him. I could concentrate on the pacing. Five steps forward, turn, five steps forward, turn, and repeat.
“My aunt and uncle couldn’t have children,” Blake started as I continued to wear a hole in the carpet. “Aunt Miranda told me that when my mom left, it crushed him. He was older by eight years—the typical overbearing, protective brother, especially since their parents were old. Mom was set for Brown. The world was hers until she met my father. It was love at first sight. Everyone was worried because Jason was unstable. No one knew about the drugs until later, but he was heading on a one-way track to prison and didn’t care if he took Mom along for the ride. Uncle Anthony tried to make her see sense, but when you’re eighteen and in love, you can’t see straight.”
I stopped in my tracks, and my eyes found Blake. He smiled sadly and then dropped his eyes jolting me back into action.
“One day, she was just gone. No note, no paper trail, nothing. Everyone knew she’d left with Jason, but they wanted to disappear and all searches came up empty. Uncle Anthony never gave up, though. Fast forward seventeen years and after numerous PIs, he finally got the call he’d been waiting for. Except it wasn’t. Mom was dead, and I was in foster care.”
As Blake said the words, I realized just how much of our story I didn’t know. During the summer, at Camp Chance, we had both been too paralyzed, too scared to talk openly about things. Hearing it now was hard enough.
“Uncle Anthony is used to getting what he wants, Penny, and he wants me to carry on his legacy. He wants me to work my way up in his law firm. Britt-” He hesitated as if the words were difficult to say and I froze. “Brittany’s family and my uncle’s family are old friends, and in my uncle’s world, you marry your kind.”
Pain sliced through my chest, and I gasped. I hadn’t meant to, but it had happened all the same.
And I’m not your kind.
Blake pushed off the bed and walked over to me. His hand cupped my jaw and tilted my face to his. “I don’t love her. I will never love her, and I will find a way to fix this. I meant what I said, Penny. I’m not losing you again.”
Morning light filtered through the blinds. The light was so bright; I figured it was the reflection of the snow that had fallen through the night. My eyes squinted at the clock on the nightstand. It was only just past eight. Blake stirred next to me, and my heart swelled just knowing he was here. With me. In my shitty apartment overlooking a back alley of a bar and a Chinese takeout.
After talking into the late hours, we’d finally fallen asleep. At some point during the night, Blake had rid himself of his jeans and t-shirt and was now sleeping next to me in just his boxer shorts. My eyes traced over his body. The dips and planes of his smooth muscles. The way his lips quivered as he breathed. My mouth dried, and my legs clenched together as I adjusted to the feelings he evoked in me.
I sat up and reached out to touch him. I didn’t want to wake him; I just wanted to feel his skin. His warmth. My fingers grazed his chest. Blake didn’t open his eyes as his hand came up to grab my wrist. He yanked gently pulling me over his chest. “Best morning ever,” he smirked, his eyes still shut.
Nose to nose, our lips were so close they were almost touching. “Good morning,” I whispered, and Blake’s eyes opened slowly. Drinking me in.
“I could get used to this.”
I ducked my head, stretching my legs out underneath me, and nestled into his neck. I was still unused to the way he just said whatever the hell was on his mind. Blake’s fingers hooked underneath my t-shirt and connected with my skin.
“Give me your eyes, Penny.”
I lifted my head to look at him, but Blake had other plans. Capturing my lips, he ran his tongue along the seam of my mouth, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. I moaned softly, melting into a puddle against him. I needed more. Always more. I
let him deepen the kiss, swirling his tongue with mine all while his fingers continued to stroke my bare skin and leave a blaze of sparks in their wake.
“Do you know how much I love you?” Blake said without taking his lips off me. How had the moment gone from light-hearted to heavy and suffocating in a matter of seconds?
“Let me show you.” Blake wrapped his arms around me, and then rolled us until I was underneath him, and he was peering down at me. “Let me love you, Penny.”
I swallowed hard unable to think.
Blake leaned in, and I closed my eyes as I anticipated his kiss; only his mouth didn’t find my lips. Warm air brushed my neck as his lips pressed against my skin. He licked and nibbled and sucked along my collarbone. The cold air of the apartment mixed with the warmth of Blake’s breath had my body shivering in the best kind of way.
Deft hands grabbed the hem of my t-shirt and slid it up and over my body. Blake caught one of my pebbled nipples between his teeth, and I gasped. “Ah, Blake. More, please.”
Always more.
Something about this time was different. Blake took his time with my body, caressing my curves, the rise and fall of my chest, stroking the soft muscles of my stomach. He kissed every inch of me until I was panting. I was so lost in the feelings running through me that I hadn’t realized Blake was kneeling between my parted legs. With his hands hooked underneath my knees, he dipped his head and kissed my inner thigh. My whole body went limp, pressed into the mattress. No one had ever been there. So close. Cal, my last boyfriend, had tried, but in the end, I freaked out and couldn’t go through with it. But now Blake was there, his tongue running along the curve of thigh up to my pelvis. With feather light touches, he alternated between licking and sucking, and each time he captured the burning skin in his mouth, I bucked off the bed. I felt him smile against me. But nothing compared to the way I felt when his fingers slipped between my center chased by his tongue. My whole body shuddered with pleasure as Blake slowly pushed one finger inside me followed by a second while his tongue glided over the sensitive bundle of nerves.